SAY IT BEFORE YOU SPRAY IT : Let's Play Death Road to Canada

Put your Let's Plays in here.
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Death Road to Canada is a roguelike/Oregon Trail sort of game life simulation RPG about a car full of weirdos escaping to Canada in the face of a ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE. Run around, smash stuff, get loot, and run into all sorts of things as the world devolves into a comedy pastiche of itself. As you can tell, it's a very serious game.

Released in 2016 but still being updated, I never completely finished all of this game's difficulty options. So this is an LP probably spanning from me doing a new file at 0% to unlocking and trying to beat the hardest game mode. It's also just something I can do short updates of and I've really not got much else going on for me right now.


Thread participation?
Lots of it. Plenty of characters to be made, and tons of choices to make. I've played this game enough to know the best responses to a majority of the events, so to mix it up for myself I'll be giving control of the early runs to the whims of the thread.

Hey! What about the event where-
Even though I know this game very well, don't be a dink and spoil anything we haven't seen yet. The best part of this game is when you have no idea what kind of crazy stuff will show up next, so don't spoil that for others.

We'll eventually hit a point where I might just end up lifting this No Spoilers policy, but that'll be a long while from now.

But Halloween was over a week ago!
i didn't come up with this idea in time okay

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UPDATES:

UPDATE 0:The Garbage Room
CHARACTER CREATION: Choose UR Fighter

RUN 1: NORMAL DEATH ROAD:
UPDATE 1: EzSnaps
UPDATE 2: MUSCLE * BOMB
UPDATE 3: SMELL ZONE
UPDATE 4: Furious Road
UPDATE 5: Sweat Band Menace
UPDATE 6: Things Go Badly
UPDATE 7: Things Go More Badly
UPDATE 8: WELL I NEVER!
UPDATE 9: Explosive Elegance
UPDATE 10: Twinge Material
UPDATE 11: Legend of Garland
UPDATE 12: Gone With the Breeze
UPDATE 13: 72 Hours Remain
UPDATE 14: The Actual Last Road
UPDATE 15: A REAL CAN-DO ATTITUDE

BETWEEN RUNS:
Character Creation: Choose UR Fighter, Second Edition by Barry Buybacks
UPDATE 16: LOOKING BACK, ON THE DEATH ROAD: RUN 1

RUN 2: RARE ROAD TO CANADA:
UPDATE 17: The Weird Beginneth
UPDATE 18: The Tale of Swolda: The Jong of Flavorville
UPDATE 19: CHARBROILED
UPDATE 20: DARK WISDOM TEETH
UPDATE 21: DEATH ROAD TO RIGHT HERE
UPDATE 22: MYSTERY OF THE TINY GHOSTS
UPDATE 23: THERE GOES TOKYO
UPDATE 24: TALE OF SWOLDA: MADOKA'S MASK
UPDATE 25: Empty Jars of Protein Powder
UPDATE 26: A TOONIE FOR THE TIMMY

BETWEEN RUNS AGAIN:

Update 27: WHAT A BUNCHA WEIRDOS - RUN 2 RECAP
Last edited by Odd Wilson on Fri Jan 28, 2022 6:06 am, edited 31 times in total.

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Image--------------------*H*A*L*L* *O*F* *F*A*M*E*-------------------Image

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Ebony, Elusive Charmer

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EBONY: Pretty WogChamp, EzSnaps all the way down!


"Reached Canada's border on the first try- remained an average and mildly useful survivor to the end."

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Hermit, Grouchy Grandfather

*(Rare Character)*

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HERMIT: YEEHAW! We got'em real good!

"Carried the first run on his ULTRA BABE shoulders, after the trip got back on rails. Still kind of a grumpus."

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Doc, Not-Mad Scientist

*(Rare Character)*

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DOC: To-do... many things. Very SCIENTIFIC things...


"Got to Canada on the first run. Was mostly present to fix the Hybrid car, but failed the second repair. Still stuck around until the end."

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Eason, Dog Legend

*(Black Schnauzer)*

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EASON: *Licks self*


"Got to Canada on the first run, second longest living teammate. Always useful, and was a good boy."

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Alex, City-Seeking Explorer With Some Amnesia

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ALEX: ...Alright, I'd really fancy some new clothes now.

"An unlikely hero of the second run. Stayed sane, somehow, but never really figured out that amnesia thing."

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Lank, the Hero of Tim's

*(Rare Character)*

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LANK: *pops open bottle* *drinks* Aah. :)

"Was more than willing to convert pottery smashing skills to zombie smashing skills on the second run. Wasn't a very silent protagonist."

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Gal Fieri, Specialist Grillmaster/Pyromaniac

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GAL FIERI: I'll never forget the friends I burned along the way.

"Turned the heat up on the second run, and it's party. It's a good thing half of them were fireproof!"

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Kaitlyn Juniper

*(Rare Character)*

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KAIJU: Life in a monster suit isn't that bad, but it's- SKREEEEEEAAAAAA

"Demolished any tiny paper cities in the way of the second run. Even if someone had checked for a zipper, they'd find it was... BROKEN!"

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Image-----------------HALL--OF--DEAD------------------- Image

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Saph, Angry Fitness Girl

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SAPH: The worst part about the afterlife is all the dinks that are here. It's frickin' Dinksville.

"Outflexed by the Sweatbandits early in the first run after a series of unfortunate events. Remained angry to the end, refusing to become a zombie nerd."

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Esme, Trainee of the Berserker Arts & Seeker of the Forbidden Pump

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ESME: I'M TOO SWOLE TO DIE (T*S*T*D), I'LL BE BACK


"Got axe-handled. Literally! Was still pretty good though."

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Last edited by Odd Wilson on Fri Jan 28, 2022 6:38 am, edited 5 times in total.

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UPDATE ZERO: The Garbage Room

Before we get off to character creation, I'll start by showing off the tutorial. I have to play this first anyways given this is a fresh save, and it gives me a chance to introduce a lot of the basic mechanics you'll be seeing throughout.

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* Tunes: Death Road to Canada Main Theme *
(Luckily for me, someone's uploaded the soundtrack on YT already, so it saves me a lot of work. Credit goes to whoever they are for doing this.)

Meet these two dorks, Diedra and Fran. They'll be our characters for this section, entirely randomly generated.


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DIEDRA: Hey, Fran, what's with the knife?

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FRAN: You, uh, didn't hear?

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DIEDRA: Hear what?

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FRAN: Zombies. Pretty sure they broke in.

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DIEDRA: Oh, neat.

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DIEDRA: Let 'em come, I'll give those deadheads the ol' one-two!

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FRAN: Last time you did that, we almost became a two-piece meal.

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DIEDRA: Fine, I'll grab this. It's more metal anyways.

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FRAN: ...


Every character can normally carry 3 weapons, all of them having various damage, range, durability, and swing speeds.

Fran's kitchen knife is very light on stamina usage and does decent damage, but its durability isn't the highest. Meanwhile, Diedra's re-bar works like a weak spear and is unbreakable, but its stamina usage is on the heavier side.

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DIEDRA: Actually, you take the re-bar. You need to look cooler.

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FRAN: W-what?

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DIEDRA: Baseball bat. Awright! Let's go! Gonna hit a hole in one!

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Bathrooms are good places to search for medicine. Meds are primarily used between missions to heal up wounds, the effectiveness being determined by how good a doctor you have.


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FRAN: Hey, Dee, I don't think canine laxatives are the kind of meds we need.

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DIEDRA: Shush, medicine's medicine. We can't break the bug-out plan or it won't work!

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FRAN: When did we ever have a plan?

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DIEDRA: Came up with it as soon as you told me there were zombies.


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You can also search toilets to get very small amounts of fuel and rarely other things. I'll let you come to your own conclusions there.


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FRAN: Why are you-

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FRAN: You know what, nevermind.

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"Choose UR Fate:"

Diedra sees Cecelia, who is a real dink.

"Zombies have broken into my home! This is probably your fault! It certainly isn't mine!"

When the group found this zombie bunker, Cecelia called dibs on this big bedroom before anyone else.

1. Leave her be for now
2. Tell her to 'Cool It'
3. Convince her to help fight zombies
4. Call her a dink
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FRAN: This really isn't the time, you know. I'm sure-

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CECELIA: Go suck an egg! I just had this place decorated perfectly!

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DIEDRA: Maybe it is my fault. Maybe it isn't. What I do know is that the zeds are coming for a sleepover!

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DIEDRA: Enjoy your bedroom, you dink!

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Diedra calls Cecelia a dink.

Cecelia is shocked! It was fun to finally tell her what a dink she was.

Everyone's morale rises!
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FRAN: :vince:

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DIEDRA: :smuggo:

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DIEDRA: And this is for making us sleep on those crap beds.


Looting this drawer gets us some blue bullets. These are the most common bullet type and are primarily used for pistols and SMGs.

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DIEDRA: Anyways, let's blow this popsicle stand.

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"No Exit"

You can't leave from this location!

This door just leads to the Garbage Room, which is nearly full. Whoever designed this zombie bunker didn't put a lot of thought into how long it would last.

You will have to find another way out.
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FRAN: This bunker kinda sucks.

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DIEDRA: Yep. Guess we're going out the front.

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FRAN: Why was that even labeled as an exit anyways?

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DIEDRA: Ah, furniture. The most versatile weapon in the apocalypse.

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Characters with enough strength can pick up furniture and either slam with it, or huck it. Furniture is very good at killing zombies, or at least clearing a path, but you need high strength to wield the good stuff like dumpsters and cars.

You can't take it with you, unfortunately.

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DIEDRA: Prepare to face your re-death, walkers! :black101:

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FRAN: Ew.

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DIEDRA: Gnarly.


Zombies attack only by reaching out when you approach. They can slow you down in doing so, and if you stay "grabbed" by them long enough, you take a hit. The max HP for most characters is 3, but there's no need to worry about being infected or anything.

Some weapons will knock zombies away and leave them prone on the ground for a bit, as Diedra's baseball bat has done here.

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DIEDRA: Daaaaaang, girl. Making me regret giving you that re-bar now. Can't have you outcooling me.

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FRAN: :black101:


Prone zombies usually die a lot faster.

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As this helpful tip says: ALWAYS BE LOOTING

You'll want to get everything you can out of a location before you bail on it, as this game is all about managing slowly declining resources.

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DIEDRA: Ah, Burger-O's, food of champions. One way path to SWOLE.

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FRAN: How come everything has to be beef flavored these days? I miss chicken sandwiches.


The most important of which is food, represented by this low-res burger. Or maybe it's just a can, I dunno. Food is necessary for all the reasons you'd think it'd be, and more. It's also serves as money in this world, as who needs bottlecaps or old paper money when you could have food?

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These yellow bullets are rounds, pretty much used by rifles. They're kinda rare, but the guns they work with are usually pretty strong.

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FRAN: Remind me again why there's a bunch of zombies locked up down here?

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DIEDRA: Hey, don't look at me. All I know is don't dead open inside.

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FRAN: Hey, Dee, step... back for a... bit! Catch your... breath!

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DIEDRA: Speak for yourself! I... I got this...!


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Actions like carrying furniture, escaping the grasp of zombies, and swinging weapons costs stamina. The only way to track it is by looking at how red in the face your character is. When the sweatdrops appear, you've completely bottomed out.

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Low stamina means little damage and barely any knockback. The one of the main aspects of melee combat in this game is managing your character's stamina. It'll recharge if you get back and don't do anything for a bit, but it doesn't recharge that fast. Get stuck needing to catch your breath in the middle of a horde, and you're pretty much a goner.

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Every character has a lot of stats in this game, but outside of your starting characters, you won't know all of their abilities. Our two tutorial characters are interesting in that they're hiding everything but morale from us.

Stats are represented by smiley faces going all the way from mega-sad to rainbow happy. You'll see what I mean later.

Every character also has a meaningless flavor text.

However, I can tell you that their strength and fitness are both on the low side just from using them. Learning how to figure out their personality through events and their stats through combat is a valuable skill in the long run.

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DIEDRA: Welp, back to trying to find a new place to stay.

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FRAN: We're running out of places to go, to be honest.

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FRAN: ...What about Canada? I heard they're safe up there.

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"The Way Out of the Tutorial"

You've found the ladder out of here!

This will end the story for Diedra, but your story is about to begin!

You will make your way to Canada, looting all the supplies you can on the way. You'll need to build up your skills and your team to survive!

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DIEDRA: Nah. Canada is a myth. That's where all the dinks think they're going, and if it does exist, I'd rather not be in dink-land.

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DIEDRA: Life here isn't so bad anyways. Another year or two of this and we'll become the Queens of the Wasteland.

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FRAN: We have two cans of bad tasting burger ravioli and 1 bottle of canine laxatives. I don't think we're making it another year at this rate.

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DIEDRA: We're gonna be fiiiiine.

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DIEDRA: ... Although, maybe we should make it an empire instead? Empress sounds cooler.

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FRAN: :sigh:

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DEATH ROAD TO CANADA
Last edited by Odd Wilson on Mon Nov 08, 2021 1:13 am, edited 3 times in total.

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Character Creation: Choose UR Fighter

So, with Dee and Fran doing whatever it is they're doing, we're off on our own to make our own characters.

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There's a lot of visual options, too many to reasonably post, so character creation will mostly be Name, Male or Female, Perk, and Trait. If you do have a visual look you want me to go for, throw it in and I'll see what I can do.

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Perk and Trait are the most important here. Perks are basically a character's background and define stats and starting items.

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Traits are more of the character's personality. They can affect stats and gear, but they often have more extra effects.
Stats wrote: Image

Other Stats:
Vitality- Is represented by red heart near our character name. 1 heart has 3 sections for a total of 3 HP. It can also get extra blue sections up to a true max of 6.
Dexterity- Not shown in-game, but affects movement speed. Only a few perks and traits modify this.
Morale- Morale is what it sounds like. When it gets low, bad things happen for us.


Physical:
Strength- Affects melee damage, furniture damage, and how heavy of objects the character can lift.
Fitness- Increases max stamina and lowers the wind-down lag on melee attacks. Crucial for anyone getting in combat.
Shooting- Affects accuracy with guns, as well as the chance to pierce throug zombies and/or ricocheting off walls.

Support Stats:
Medical- Affects the amount of meds used when healing between maps, and the frequency at which they can heal.
Mechanical- Affects vehicle repair ability, as well as barricading.

Neither of these are necessary, but they're appreciated. The character with the highest of these will take over responsibilities for all the related actions.

Personality Stats:
Wits- How clever the character is, and how good they are at improvising.
Attitude- The character's general friendliness.
Composure- How well they keep cool under pressure, preventing meltdowns.
Loyalty- How likely they are to betray us.

Personality is interesting in that the stats form certain combos with each other. For instance, low Loyalty and Composure makes the character have the bandit subtype, in which they don't care about robbing others.
With that, it's time for the list of Perks and Traits we have unlocked from the start.
List of Perks wrote: --------------------------------
Athlete
An athletic past translates well into zombie survival.

+ Start with a random sports weapon
+ Gain 1 point in fitness
+ Gain 1 point in strength

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Car Nut
Being a car enthusiast is practically a superpower now!

+ Start with a nicer car
+ Gain 1 point in mechanical

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Explorer
Some people have a really good sense of direction when driving!

+ One extra location choice during ABL events

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Fighter
This person has always been a real fighter.

+ Start with a hatchet
+ Gain 1 point in strength
+ Gain 1 point in shooting

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Friend of Dog
This person loves dogs, and tends to run into them!

+ Angry dogs may become friendly

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Gun Collector
You knew hoarding all those guns would be useful! Eventually. You just knew it!

+ Start with a pistol and bullets
+ Gain 1 point in shooting

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Gungineer
Good with anything mechanical, and guns are mechanical.

+ Start with a crowbar
+ Gain 1 point in shooting
+ Gain 1 point in mechanical

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Health Care
Jerks get bit by zombies all the time. Better be prepared!

+ Start with 4 medical supplies
+ Gain 1 point in medical

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Martial Artist
No weapons? No problem!

+ Start with a powerful two-hit unarmed attack
- Refuses to use firearms, chainsaws, and some others
+ Gain 1 point in fitness, 1 in strength

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Mechanic
The car is life! Note: Not necessarily a COMPETENT mechanic.

+ Start with a wrench
+ Gain 1 point in mechanical
+ Gain 1 point in fitness

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Megabuff
Possibly too swole to control. Handy for picking up and throwing heavy furniture!

+ Start with a metal pipe
+ Gain 2 points in strength

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Surgeon
Has a good intuition of anatomy and a real steady hand.

+ Start with a scalpel
+ Gain 1 point in medical
+ Gain 1 point in shooting

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Ultrafit
All that yoga really paid off!

+ Start with granola bars
+ Gain 2 points in fitness
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Traits: wrote: Bandit
Being untrustworthy can be an asset in the post-apocalypse.

+ Rip others off
+ Rip the group off
- Ticking time bomb

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BERSERK!
Destroy all zombies! Never retreat! Oh no, I got bit!

+ 4 points to strength, fitness, and shooting!!
+ Can go one over the maximum for the above stats!!!
- Super low personality stats! Dies in one bite!!

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Calm Under Fire
Calm and collected. Useful when firing into a horde!

+ Very calm due to high composure
+ 1 extra point in shooting

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Charming
From perception of others, a good attitude, and pure charisma, there's something about this person that opens doors!

+ Charms way into free stuff or out of bad situations
- Can't charm way out of everything

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Civilized
Retains old values before world went crazy. This is good and bad.

+ Super high loyalty and personality stats!
+ 1 point to medical and mechanical skills!!
- Permanent and significant morale penalty!!

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Fierce Tempered
Someone's got a bad temper! The aggression can come in handy.

+ 1 extra point in strength
- Bad temper due to low composure
+ Temper can sometimes be good

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Frantic Whiner
Kind of a fragile sort. But really good at fleeing!

+ Run speed bonus!
- Takes one less hit than normal
- Bad attitude

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Inventive
Comfortable with machinery, such as cars.

+ 2 points mechanical! Can go one over maximum for mechanical skill!!
+ Great wits checks!
- May need more practice to repair car

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Irritating
This person thinks they're soooooo cool. But they're not! They're just annoying!

+ Tell people to 'Cool it'
- Anger pretty much everybody

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Mysterious Past
This person... has a mysterious past......

+ 3 points given to fight skills at random
+ Randomized and extreme personality!

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Nurturing
Always thinking of others! Somehow not zombie food yet.

+ 2 points medical! Can go one over maximum for medical skill!!
+ Great attitude!
- May be an act

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Oblivious
A great outlook on life combined with not being very perceptive allows for some magical feats of denial!

+ May ignore despair
- Bad rolls for perception and wits

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Paranoid
A combination of high perception and extreme pessimism lets someone brace for the worst!

+ May identify traits in new recruits
+ Always on the lookout for danger
- Can be a real grumpus

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Practical
Has a variety of useful skills, but is kind of boring.

+ 3 points given to fight skills at random
+ 3 points given to support skills at random
- Boring personality

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Resilient Type
Really tough! The muscle! Not a long term planner.

+ Takes one more hit than normal
- Bad wits rolls

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Warrior
Good start on zombie thwacking skills, with a nondescript personality.

+ 2 points more strength!
+ 2 points more fitness!
- Boring personality

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Wow, that's a lot. Keep in mind, there's a good couple more I'll unlock in time, so this list will increase.

I'll only get to pick two characters for our starting party, but if yours don't get picked, don't worry! A number of random survivor events will prioritize using characters from your custom list, so your character might just show up in the run anyways!

So to recap, give me a name, male or female, and a Trait and Perk choice. If you want some kind of look for them, give me a rough idea of it and I'll see what I can do.

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Our first 4 have come in from SA!

We have Ebony, a Fighter with a Mysterious Past, courtesy of insanitylock,

Saph, an Ultrafit gal with a Fierce Temper, as by Space Kablooey,

Dylan, an Ultrafit lad, whose quite a bit Irritating, submitted by BraveLittleToaster,

and The Medic, From Team Fortress 2, (an addition from FoolyCharged,) whose Civilized Surgery is hopefully on our side!

I'll get started on our adventure tomorrow, but don't be afraid to send in a character submission. 96 character slots is a lot, and there's a high chance we'll see these people show up in the run on their own.

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UPDATE 01: EzSnaps

Characters made, and here we go!

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Death Road to Canada
Ebony hears rumors that Canada is a safe place, free of the threat of zombies.

With noting to gain from waiting around Florida, he decides to brave the Death Road and travel north.


HIT THE ROAD
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Tip: Fire and explosives can damage your own characters, so watch out. Fire is especially dangerous.

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This is quite true. Fire and explosives are very effective weapons, but they pay for that in being capable of friendly fire.

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* Tunes: Zombonita Beach *

Ebony is our first character, a lad with a mysterious past, but a decent fighter. He claims he was a famous videogame streamer, and presently all of his stats are hidden from us.


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EBONY: At first, I thought "I want to eat your brains" was an in-joke with the chat.

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EBONY: When I look at it now, I should've seen it sooner, WonkaS.

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His partner in survival is Saph, an ultrafit gal with a hot temper. She fits in well with the post-apocalypse, given she's kind of a jerk. Oddly, she's not about to tell us how fit she is, but she has at least one point of Strength that we know of.

Her composure is bottom of the barrel, but that's what fierce tempered gets you.


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SAPH: Gawd, is that all you talk about?

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EBONY: Hey, my car, my conversation topics.

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SAPH: Don't make me knock you out.

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EBONY: And don't worry, we're gonna make it there. My mom's car is indestructible.

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SAPH: Heh, that explains the lavender paint job.

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EBONY: What's wrong with lavender?

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Embarking on the Death Road

To start the journey, the group decides to grab some supplies from a nearby location.

In order to survive the Death Road, you'll need to heard as many supplies as you can! You will aslo need to find ways to train and grow your team.

1. Quiet Hotel
2. Quiet Factory
3. Yall-Mart


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A run always starts out with these choice, though the options are sometimes slightly different. As it really doesn't make that big of a difference, (these maps all have somewhat similar loot tables,) I've gone with what I consider the most optimal from this selection, the Yall-Mart.

It and the Rest Stop are what I find to usually be the best choices on any run, with the Factory usually being the worst.

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Yall-Mart

The group spots an abandoned Y'all-Mart off in the distance. It looks like it's been looted, but maybe there's some untouched loot inside.

Your zombie forecast is:
SWARM SIZE: Mild
AGGRESSION: Sluggish
CURRENT TIME: Late Morning
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* Tunes: What Could Possibly Go Wrong? *


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EBONY: Here we come, you zombie jerks!


On map entry, your characters will automatically drive the car in, running over any zombies in the way. Ones a bit to the side will just take damage and get launched, while any in front of the car get splattered immediately.

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EBONY: Zombie slaying time!

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SAPH: Ughh...You couldn't park any closer?

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SAPH: Hey, wait for me you dink! Don't hog all the fun!

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EBONY: Taste my limited edition Inhabitant Vile axe!

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SAPH: You're enjoying this way too much for it being this early in the morning.

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EBONY: It's just like 2 Many 2 Dead! The game that shot me to internet fame!

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SAPH: Grab that shopping cart. I'm not carrying whatever we find.

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EBONY: Good plan!

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EBONY: Hyaaah! :black101:

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SAPH: Like, wow, do you even know what a shopping cart is for?

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SAPH: ...But, not gonna lie, throwing it does seem to work well.

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EBONY: Now that's a WogChamp!

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SAPH: Could you not?


Given Ebony's mix of attributes and a good starting weapon in the hatchet, he's doing quite well at clearing out threats.

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Y'all Marts are mostly consistent of a big room with shelves splitting it up. Medicine and bullets can be found laying around the floor, but if anything you'll find food at a Y'all Mart.

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Bathroom loot is subpar as it usually is, but there's a reason for this I assure you.

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EBONY: Ah, nice- a pistol! Pistol rounds were always my specialty when it came to Counter Attack.

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EBONY: ...Can I, uh, have the bullets?

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SAPH: Psh, get your own, nerd. These are mine.


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Usually the only other area of interest in a Y'all Mart is the storage room. A little bit of gas and food is to be found here.

Gas is used to keep our car going, and given this game draws from Oregon Trail, you might be able to see how running out of gas would be a bad thing.


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EBONY: Wow, how'd you know where the keys were to this room?

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SAPH: I worked here. These dinks had to go and get eaten before they gave me my paychek! :argh:

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EBONY: Oof, FeelsBadDude.

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EBONY: Time for an unboxing!

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SAPH: I don't even know what that is, but I'm going to assume it's uncool.

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You also have to start your car back up when you get in it. If it's too damaged, well, you might be sitting there for a while.

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You can also honk the horn to draw the attention of the zombies. It has it's uses, one of them being turning a heavily damaged or gasless car into a distraction and bomb for the zombies.

You can always walk off the side of the map without your car if necessary, but you don't want to be walking in this game if you can help it.


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SAPH: Beep, beep, dingbats!

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EBONY: :black101:

GIVE 'ER (GAS)

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MISSION SUMMARY
Found 5 food, total is now 15.
Found 52 gas, total is now 152.
Found 1 medical.
Found 13 pistol ammo.
Found 8 rifle ammo.

31 zombies destroyed.

OK
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EBONY: I'd say that went pretty well. Calls for an EzSnap.

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SAPH: Would you stop that already, you d*ngus?

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EBONY: Oh, hey, look! That place is still open!

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Bed & Breakfast

The group finds an inn, open for business!
The owner wrings her hands:

Give me 10 food, I'll watch over you while you sleep hhhHHHHHeh.

She is super creepy.

1. Pay the 10 food.
2. Ebony haggles it to 5 food.
3. Drive off with no sleep.

---------------------------------

* Tunes: Lootin' *

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SAPH: Mega creepy.

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EBONY: Huh? I don't see what you mean. That's kinda rude though.

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SAPH: Says the person who just dragged me into the start of a horror film! You've gotta be joking, right?!

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EBONY: I still don't see it. :shrug:


Well, thread? What shall we do?

User avatar
UPDATE 2: MUSCLE * BOMB

Haggling it out it is!

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---------------------------------
RESULT:

Ebony gets a better deal for the night.

You're a sly one hhhhhhhhhHHHHHHeheh.

Lose 5 food!

The inkeeper serves up an amazing breakfast!

Ebony and Saph's morale maxes out!

---------------------------------

This reveals to me that Ebony's Mysterious Past has given him the Charmer subtype, which is quite useful to have for situations like these. It won't always buy us out though.


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SAPH: Holy wow, what did you say to her?

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EBONY: I just asked nicely. Apparently she gets a lot of bandits coming by.

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SAPH: Huh. Well, this breakfast is killer. Gonna have to smash twice the normal amount of zombies today to work off these carbs.

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EBONY: That's the spirit! Woggers~!

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SAPH: In a good mood today, just gonna ignore that.

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EBONY: WeirdStamp?

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SAPH: You're pushing it!

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* Tunes: Zombonita Beach *

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EBONY: Hey, that place looks like it might have some good loot!

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SAPH: We don't need to slow down!

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EBONY: Well, we gotta scavenge sometime. Better do it earlier than later. That's like Zombie 101.

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SAPH: ...Oh, there! We're going there!

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---------------------------------
Fear the Night

The group drives into a city as it starts to get dark. Try not to lose track of time. Things can get bad after the sun sets.

Your zombie forecast is:
SWARM SIZE: Sparse
AGGRESSION: Sluggish
CURRENT TIME: Near Sunset

When driving into the city, the group finds:
1. Gun Shop
2. Strength & Fitness Gym


---------------------------------

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SAPH: Gym! Gym! Gym!

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EBONY: Why not the gun shop?

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SAPH: Who needs those when you can make SWEET GAINS and get guns of your own?

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SAPH: Still taking this pistol though.

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EBONY: Aww. :(


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* Tunes: Lootin' *

LET'S BOOGIE

I opted to take this as it felt the most appropriate, and I'd rather this update have at least a little length to it.

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SAPH: Hey, the gym's that way! We drove past it parking!

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EBONY: Lootable houses up this way. We'll get these first!

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EBONY: There might be some more health food up this way.

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SAPH: ...Whatever.


Some maps are larger than just one building, which is an added bonus if you can spare the time and resources to scout them out.

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A majority will be blocked by trash piles, but not all of them.


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SAPH: Gawd, what a trashy neighborhood. Like, literally.

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EBONY: Must be Downtown.

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SAPH: More like Frowntown. This sucks.

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EBONY: Are we allowed to use that reference?

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SAPH: You're the nerd here, you tell me.

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EBONY: Ah, a bottle of generic pills! The perfect means by which to temporarily restore health!

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SAPH: There's like... three in here-

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SAPH: Oops. Make that two.

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EBONY: Eh, 10 second rule, it'll be fine.

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EBONY: Flying tiny table attack!

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SAPH: Why do you keep opening toilets? It's weird.

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EBONY: It's a secret to everybody.

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SAPH: So you're telling me that you don't even know?

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EBONY: Possibly, no Klappa.

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SAPH: ...Why did it have to be this guy of all people?

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The houses don't give too much, just a bit of food and 1 Med, but this 29 fuel is greatly appreciated. Our car doesn't have the best miles per gallon, being -10 fuel every tick, but it could be worse.

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SAPH: Finally! Gym! Gym! Muscle!! Bomb! GYM!!

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EBONY: One second.

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SAPH: What?! Why?

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EBONY: Grabbin' a flashlight!

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SAPH: See, I was going to think you weren't a dink for a second, but then you had to say it like that.

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EBONY: FeelsSadLad


Given it's getting very late, I stop by the car's trunk and pull out a flashlight. This game can get very dark when it wants to, and this luckily pauses the game for us as well.

The trunk can carry 14 weapons, and it'll get filled up pretty fast on some runs. Between Ebony's hatchet and Saph's re-bar, both of our main weapons are indestructible so I don't need to stock up on weapons as much (even if the re-bar kinda sucks).

I also just really haven't seen any new weapons aside from, like, a wooden cane.

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SAPH: Time to feel the burn!


I will never not love the gyms for being called MUSCLE! BOMB!! GYM!!

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Gyms themselves are filled with a lot of barbells, treadmills, and the like. The dumbbells and barbells can be lifted, but for the most part, the treadmills are just useless breakables.

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The primary feature of these gyms is a massive barbell or a fancy treadmill, which can be used one time to attempt to improve a character's Strength or Fitness respectively.

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SAPH: Time to break this breakfast!


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---------------------------------
I.T.B.A.B.Y.J.P.

There's a fully loaded olympic weight set here. The amount of weight on it can be adjusted down to a less hernia-causing amount.

Saph consideres taking a break to get some strength training in as she is guarded.

---------------------------------

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EBONY: Guarded? When did we agree on that?

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SAPH: Since immediately, dinkus.

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EBONY: I mean, I was planning on it anyways...

---------------------------------

1. Lift Light Weight
2. Lift Heavy Weight
3. Lift Massive Weight

---------------------------------

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SAPH: Lemme take just a few of these off.

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EBONY: You, uh, sure you don't want to take a bit more off?

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SAPH: You calling me weak?!

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EBONY: No, but WonkaS.

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Lift Heavy Weight

---------------------------------
RESULT

Saph takes off some weight from the barbell, but not so much that she can't GET SUPER PUMPED.

That was too much weight! She hears something in her body make a funny snapping sound.

Saph is HURT!

An hour passed during that impromptu workout session.

---------------------------------

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EBONY: EzSnaps...? :smug:

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SAPH: Oww... Be glad I can't kick your butt for that comment! :argh:


I should've picked light weights, but in hindsight, I've always been bad at gauging this one.

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Outside it's starting to get very dark, and the timer is wavering very close to 9:00 PM.


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SAPH: Hey, uh...

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EBONY: Those distant, aggravated moans? I think we gotta move, and fast.

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SAPH: No argument here!

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* Tunes: They Can't Be Stopped *

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SAPH: Gogogogogogo :stare:

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EBONY: Gunning it!


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---------------------------------
MISSION SUMMARY

Found 14 pistol ammo.

17 zombies destroyed.

---------------------------------

And we're out! If the music's any suggestion, you don't want to stick around after 9:00 PM if you can help it.

If the mission summary looks wrong, it's because whenever you check the trunk, you drop off anything you've scavenged. Those 14 bullets happen to be what were in our pistol, as well.

Our total gains were actually: 2 food, 31 gas, 1 med.

Not great, but the gas is good, and the meds add up.

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* Tunes: Zombonita Beach *

Ebony tries to help, but lacks enough medical supplies.

---------------------------------

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EBONY: You sure I can't do anything about whatever happened yesterday?

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SAPH: Psh, it's not like two unknown pills are gonna fix it. I'll be fine.


LATER THAT DAY:

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---------------------------------
Fight or Flip

Saph makes mistakes while scouting a town, and gets cornered by a large group of zombies while unarmed.

She is trapped in an alley. At the end of the alley is heavy garbage and a large fence.

1. Use Parkour Abilities
2. Throw Garbage

---------------------------------

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SAPH: I shoulda took the pills.


Well, thread? How do we try to escape this?

User avatar
UPDATE 3: SMELL ZONE

Parkour it is!

* Tunes: Rigor Mortis Rag *

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---------------------------------
RESULT

Saph manages to climb up the fence in time, avoiding being ripped apart for now. God bless parkouring.

Saph's fitness increases!

Saphs fitness revealed: :geno:

---------------------------------

Good to know, and good to get that boost! This would suggest her fitness wasn't that hot to start with, which means this was probably a trickier roll than it looked like.

She'd have survived it anyways.

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SAPH: Where the heck were you, you dink?!

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EBONY: You said, and I quote, 'wait in the car, dingus, i got this.'

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SAPH: Whatever, at least I looked cool. :argh:

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EBONY: I'm sure it was very Reflection's Edge.


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---------------------------------
Smelly Campsite

The campground that the group sets up smells terrible! The source of the smell is a complete mystery.

1. Endure the smell
2. Drive off with no sleep

---------------------------------

Since we just had an event, and this one is minor, I opt to take control here.


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SAPH: Gawd, it's like a skunk died in a carton of rotten eggs!

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EBONY: Ugh, yeah. Reminds me how good it was that the "Most Realistic VR Experience" didn't have smells.

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SAPH: This is about to be the most realistic "Barfing On Your Shoes Experience."


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---------------------------------
RESULT

The group endures the SMELL ZONE all night, until passing out. They are not happy in the morning, but they were at least able to sleep.

Group morale drops by 1.

The group eats a decent meal. Lose 4 food.

---------------------------------
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SAPH: I wanna go back where the cities are! Backcountry? More like barfcountry!

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SAPH: Seriously, why did I let you drive?

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EBONY: Because you can't drive. That's why you forced yourself into my car to begin with. :colbert:

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SAPH: Oh, right.


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---------------------------------
Trader Trap

The group checks out what appears to be a trader settlement. They are instead ambushed by bandits who have taken it over. One of them looks injured.

They demand the remainder of your food, and a quarter of your ammo and medical supplies.

1. Give into bandit demands.
2. Saph offers to heal injury.
3. Refuse and fight!

---------------------------------

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SAPH: Why did I let you drive me here?!

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EBONY: Because you asked me to. One of my calls to fame is that I'm always responsive to my audience!

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SAPH: You should have talked me out of it! :argh:

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EBONY: No WogChamps today, it seems. FeelsSadLad


For reference, our current supplies are:
Food- 8
Gas- 143
Meds- 2 (they'll still take at least 1)
Pistol Bullets - 14
Rifle Rounds - 13


No gameplay in this short update, (this is a rather important decision,) so I'll probably put another out later today. Before I can do that...

Choose UR Fate!
Last edited by Odd Wilson on Mon Nov 22, 2021 10:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
UPDATE 4: Furious Road

* Tunes: One More Road *

Saph shall attempt the medicinal arts!

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*Cracking noise*

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---------------------------------
RESULT

Saph offers to heal the injured bandit with her medical know-how. She ends up making things worse! The bandits aren't very happy.

Ebony and Saph are HURT!

Saph's Medical revealed: :cry:
Saph's Medical increases: :(

---------------------------------

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SAPH: JEEZ, YOU DINGUSES! IT WAS GOING WELL! :argh:

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EBONY: You broke that bandit's arm.

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SAPH: It was already broke when we started.

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EBONY: I'm pretty sure it wasn't.

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SAPH: Not my fault she's too weak for extreme yoga!

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SAPH: Ughh... this hurts. Stop driving so fast!

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EBONY: You just told me to go faster!

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SAPH: Well, stop hitting the potholes you dink!

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EBONY: It's the Carolinas. These roads sucked before the apocalypse. They're even worse now.

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SAPH: Hmph, whatever...

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EBONY: ...We've definitely gotta find more people. Can't keep getting outnumbered like happened back there. Major WonkaS, no EzSnaps.

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SAPH: You trying to replace me already?! I may be down right now, but these glutes of steel will be back in action before you know it!

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SAPH: And you don't- ugh- know nothin'! gimme a sec just gonna lie down


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---------------------------------
Trading on the Death Road

Outside of Canada, most of society and civilization has been destroyed. You can still find people engaging in trade, with preserved food being the new currency.

You have 8 food left.

The group runs into a trading camp!

1. Visit Trader Camp
2. Ignore Trader Camp

---------------------------------

Our first trader camp! There's absolutely no reason to skip one unless you're speedrunning or something. Given my current setup I can't pause playing the game in the middle of a map to make decisions, but I'm working on that.

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* Tunes: Horsemann Shuffle *

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EBONY: You know, after last time, I'm kinda surprised they're not already charging us down.

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SAPH: I think these are just normal people.

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EBONY: I guess so. WogChamp?

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SAPH: Ughhh...


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---------------------------------
Axe Merchant
The group meets a strange and menacing figure. He or she is wearing a mask and a robe.

I sell axes... Just axes...

1. Leave it be
2. Fire Axe for 6 food
3. Hatchet for 3 food


---------------------------------

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SAPH: No, I was definitely wrong :stonk:

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EBONY: Oh, hey, this one's a limited edition Castlemania throwing axe!

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AXE SELLER: It could be yours... the kind of axe to die for...

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SAPH: nope nope no no no nope


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---------------------------------
The Last Anime Sale
This man is selling anime and anime accessories from a converted food truck.

I AM DOING MY PART TO KEEP CIVILIZATION TOGETHER, ONE ANIME SALE AT A TIME!

1. Buy NO anime
2. 4 Katanas for 5 food
3. 5 Shuriken for 1 food

---------------------------------

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SAPH: oh GOD even more nope nope

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ANIME SALESMAN: Now you listen to me, miss. I work for a livin', and I mean real work, not running in place and pointlessly lifting heavy objects!

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SAPH: get me out

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ANIME SALESMAN: I provide the people of this community with anime and anime accessories. I do my part from a refurbished food truck because what I have is food for the SOUL!

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EBONY: I-

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SAPH: get me OOOOUT!

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CIVILIAN: Is the Death Road really as the name implies?

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SAPH: the nerd energy is biting at my veins

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EBONY: Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only sane person on it.

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EBONY: Oh, hey, who are you, random guy near our car?

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---------------------------------
Familiar Face
Max is hanging around the camp. He has been waiting for you to show up!

TRAIT: Warrior PERK: Car Nut

1. Leave Max for now
2. Recruit Max!

---------------------------------

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MAX: My name is Max. My world is on fire. And bloody.

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EBONY: Neat. I kinda feel I know you from somewhere, though.

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SAPH: Weird. I've been thinking the same about you. Anyways, can we go now and leave crazytown?

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MAX: I am he who runs from both the living and the dead. Hunted by scavengers, haunted by those I could not protect. So I exist-

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SAPH: Dude. Hey, guy, I realized I still don't know the name of- let's just get out of here before more weirdos jump us.

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MAX: Aw, c'mon, I practiced that for ages :(

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EBONY: Hey, you want to join up?

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SAPH: WHAT?!

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MAX: Yeah, that'd be cool.

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---------------------------------
THE PLOT THICKENS

Max is glad to be back!

Max joins the team!

Onward to Canada!

---------------------------------

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SAPH: I can't believe you're just letting this random guy join w-

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---------------------------------
Sweet Ride
Max said that he had his own car stashed nearby, and that it's a 'pretty sweet ride'

Would you like to switch to Max's car?

1. Keep current car
2. Switch to new car

---------------------------------

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SAPH: wwwwwwWelcome to the team! Heck yeah, we're using that one!

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EBONY: What?! Hey, we can't just leave my mom's car here!

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SAPH: Two to one, over-RULED! Man, bringing more people along was a great idea!

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EBONY: FeelsBadLad, big time.

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* Tunes: Rigor Mortis Rag *

Max, being a Car Nut will always bring along a classic car with him. This is the best outcome, a Muscle Car. At the cost of consuming 12 gas per tick instead of 10, it drives at a much higher speed and is very easy to repair.


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EBONY: Actually, this car is pretty CatBAM, not gonna lie.

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SAPH: Told you! Also the car freshener totally explains why you don't smell like garbage.

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MAX: Er, thanks, I guess. So, uh, who are you two?

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EBONY: Name's Ebony. You might know me as EbonyBlade if you frequented Twinge.tv.

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SAPH: So THAT's your name?

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MAX: You... didn't know?

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EBONY: She never asked. Oh, and she's Saph, by the way.

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SAPH: How did you know my name?! I swear, have we met before? I keep thinking we have.

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EBONY: No, pretty sure we haven't. That's pretty WeirdStamp.

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EBONY: I just noticed that it's on your shoes. And your bag... And your sweat bands.

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SAPH: Oh, right.


All in all, that trader camp was kind of a bust, outside of Max, but that's mostly because we don't really have that much food. Merchants will never offer you anything you can't afford.

The axe merchant is always good to see as they're a good supply of good damage, indestructible weapons. The Fire Axe in particular has great damage and a swing range wide enough to hit multiple zombies... if you've got the stats to wield it without wearing yourself out.

The anime salesman has their uses, but their low value items aren't too good. The katanas can be useful in a pinch, but these are obviously mall katanas and lack durability. Unless you direly need to outfit an entire team, you'd be better off buying a hatchet.

There was also a shotgun salesman there I skipped over, but their cheapest offering was a normal shotgun for 7 food. Can't really afford that right now, and we'll hopefully find one of our own later.

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---------------------------------
Dog Recruitment

There is a dog wandering nearby. It's keeping it's distance, but watching the group with guarded interest.

It's become rare to see a dog that trusts people. You have 8 food left.

1. Recruit dog - 2 food
2. Leave the dog

---------------------------------

It seems to be a black Schnauzer, I think. Still, I'm going ahead and saying yes to this. I've got a reason for it.


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MAX: Ah, a wild hound. Seems as if it survives this world of fire and blood as well as we do.

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EBONY: Yeah, but I'd kinda feel bad if we left it here.

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SAPH: ...Wait a sec, I know that dog!

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---------------------------------
Choose UR Fate
The group lures Eason over with food. He knows a good source of meals when he sees it, and decides to stick around.

Lose 2 food!

Eason joins the team!

Onward to Canada!

---------------------------------

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SAPH: Yeah, Eason. Definitely Cecelia's dog.

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MAX: Friend of yours?

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SAPH: You kidding? She was a total dink. I'm just doing this to spite her.

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EBONY: Suddenly I'm feeling more bad that we didn't leave the dog.

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EASON: *Pants*

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---------------------------------
Stuck in a Ditch

The car gets stuck in a ditch near a crappy dirt road. The group is close to getting the car out when a roaming horde draws near. Now they must distract the zombies from getting too close.

SIEGE ALERT! THERE'S NO ESCAPE!

HORDE SIZE: Large
CURRENT TIME: Near Noon
SIEGE LENGTH: 0.7 Hours

Try to Survive
---------------------------------

Our first siege! This is why I picked up Max and the dog. These are events where we're shunted onto maps with a terrible amount of moving space, and hordes of zombies pour in... And we have to survive for an amount of time before we can leave, or get crushed against the borders of the map by the undead hordes while trying.

These also happen at regularly scheduled intervals to both keep you on your toes. If you've played the game a lot, you can kinda guess when you're about to get one.

This one in particular is a killer on higher difficulties, but we should be okay. Let's look at our new teammates.

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Max has a strength and fitness level of 2, A.K.A. :( , from Warrior, so he should make for a decent fighter. He may or may not have starred in a movie a few years back, but the fact that he doesn't smell bad probably won't do anything for us.

His equipment right now is just an umbrella, despite what the screenshot might show.

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Eason is a dog. Instead of even having a trait or perk, he just gets CLUMSY DOG, and only a max health of 2. Still, dogs are very useful. They move fast, they have high fitness, they can bark to draw attention, and there's a number of animal specific events in the game. They also only eat 1 food per tick.

I grabbed him specifically because I knew this siege was coming, and I wanted to make sure we could keep the zombies away from Saph. His extra claws and bites will help thin the hordes out.

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I also set my control to Saph, as she's a hit away from death right now. Better for me to watch over her rather than give her to the whims of the AI.

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* Tunes: Half-A-Brain Boogie *


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SAPH: Remind me what the plan is again?!

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MAX: We draw them away from the car. We can unstick it, but we need more time.

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EBONY: Pulling their aggro over here, got it! Man, was not expecting rhapsody events to be a real thing!

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SAPH: Taste re-bar, zombie nerds!

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EBONY: Whoa, not good!

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MAX: I will fight tooth and nail if need be!

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SAPH: Ah, it's a... car rod thingy! Clear a path to that!

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EBONY: It's called a tire iron, but good plan!

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SAPH: Seriously though, why an umbrella?

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MAX: ...The sun gets hot in the wasteland.

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EBONY: This wave's thinning out, but we've got more coming!

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SAPH: How many people lived in this podunk town?! :argh:

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EASON: GRR!

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EBONY: Hey, fall back for a second! Catch your breath and regen your stamina!

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SAPH: Nah, I'm gonna make them catch bullets instead! :black101:

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---------------------------------
PHEW!

The siege is over!

You can now try to escape!

---------------------------------

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MAX: It's clear! Go, go, go!

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EBONY: Roger!

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EASON: BARK!

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SAPH: Thanks for the workout, neeeerds!

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---------------------------------
MISSION SUMMARY

Pistol Ammo: 18

29 zombies destroyed.

---------------------------------

And that's our first siege! This place would have been a nightmare on higher difficulties, but the zombie count was thin enough to make it not that bad.

Saph switching to the pistol when tired is a good general strategy for anyone. When low on stamina, you can barely swing your weapon, let alone do anything useful with it, but guns are unaffected. Melee until low stamina, then pull out a gun for a bit- that's all there is to it.

It's not always the best option, particularly if you're low on ammo, but it'll serve you decently at least.

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* Tunes: Every Step of the Way *

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EASON: BARK! BARK!

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SAPH: You said it! That was actually pretty cool!

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EBONY: I'm just glad we're alive.

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MAX: Fighting to live, it is what we do.

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---------------------------------
Glimmer of Hope on the Death Road

The group feels inspired after managing to survive that situation!

They feel like they are getting the hang of this...

Choose a reward for the group:

1. Morale and random skill gain
2. Shooting
3. Fitness
4. Max- +1 Max HP

---------------------------------

After surviving a regularly scheduled siege, you also get to level up your characters. If I remember right, this should reveal affected stats as normal.

We don't really need the morale right now, being capped out on it, but the random skills could luck into hitting the right spots.

Shooting is alright. We've only got one gun, but who's to say what we'll find?

Fitness is always good to have.

Max HP: Having a tankier character is always nice too, but it does kinda cheat the others out of potential stat gains.


Well, thread, how shall we improve?

User avatar
Update 5: Sweat Band Menace

* Tunes: Green on Green *

The thread has opted for Fitness Road to Canada!

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---------------------------------
RESULT

Running from zombies all day is a great form of excercise.

Ebony's fitness is revealed and increases to :(
Saph's fitness increases to :)
Max's fitness increases to :geno:
Eason's fitness revealed :cry:

ZOMBO POINT EARNED! Use ZP to unlock traits, perks, and more!
---------------------------------

Being a dog, Eason's stats won't increase through glimmer events. Even though it says he has minimum fitness, the weight of his claw weapon is so low that it's basically not a problem.


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SAPH: All these zombies have really got me feeling the burn!

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EBONY: It does feel like it's getting easier.

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MAX: Indeed.

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EASON: *Blinks*

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---------------------------------
Night Siphon
The group sets up camp late. On the nearby highway is a bunch of abandoned cars. They're broken, but many should have a little bit of gas.

Would you like to send someone to siphon out the gas?

1-3: Pick character
4: Wait until morning

---------------------------------

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SAPH: We need more gas and someone's got to do it.

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EBONY: I'd, er, rather not.

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MAX: Preferably not me either.

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SAPH: You're all a bunch of babies! I'll do it myself! :argh:

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---------------------------------
Gassy Night

Saph siphons the gas, but accidentally swallows a bit and gets really, really sick that night instead of sleeping.

Got 44 gas!
Saph's morale decreases to :)

The group is low on food and eats less.

Ebony's morale decreases to slightly less :keke:
Saph's morale decreases to :geno:
Max's morale decreases to slightly less :keke:
Eason's morale decreases to almost :cry:

---------------------------------

Even though dogs only eat 1 food, rationing days make them sad. Still, I'd rather have to ration than die to a zombie horde. I opted to send Saph because I could just leave her out of the next mission.

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Saph is TIRED :(
------------------------------------

Because of this. The tired debuff is brutal. It absolutely tanks your physical stats until the next time you sleep. Only characters with the highest of stats can get away with being barely passable in combat while tired.


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SAPH: Ughhhh...why does gas taste so bad

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EBONY: You know, this was going better until a few days ago.

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MAX: These roads are swarming with danger, you could say they're furious, even.

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SAPH: UGHHHHHHH

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EASON: *BARK!*

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---------------------------------
They're all wearing sweat bands

Bandits appear, all wearing sweatbands and all super buff, even their dog. They demand protein powder!

They will also accept all your extra gas, and half of your ammo and medical supplies!

1. Give into harsh bandit demands
2. Ebony or Max challenges them to a pose-off
3. Refuse and fight!

---------------------------------

The RNG is not with us. Seriously. Unless we get incredibly lucky soon, it looks like very soon I'll be giving a showing of the game in desperation mode.


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SAPH: Duuude, why these dinguses of all people!? I need my protein powder! AND WE'RE ALREADY OUT! :argh:

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EBONY: Actually, they already know that. They want basically everything else, especially the gas.

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SAPH: That's MY gas! Uggh...and trust me, they don't want it, it tastes like hot garbage...

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MAX: What's the plan? This isn't looking good.

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SAPH: You could challenge them to a pose-off. Rule of Swole and all that, but fat chance of either of you winning it.

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EBONY: You sure? I watched you exercise, like... once?

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SAPH: AhahahHAHAHA- ulp!

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SAPH: ...Haha. don't make me laugh the nausea's not gone yet


Short update again, but well, the game's decided to throw this rather big choice at us here.

To put their mechanical implications in view:
--------------------------------------------------
Option 1 is the safe way out but almost for sure lose our car and probably enter a downwards morale spiral unless we get really lucky fast.

Option 2 is chancing a very risky Strength roll.

Option 3 is getting beat up in service of not losing our gas and thus, our car, probably losing a character in the process.

Well, thread?

User avatar
Votes are in, and we're going out fighting!

RIP in advance, Saph

User avatar
UPDATE 6: Things Go Badly

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---------------------------------
- CONTINUE GAME -
THE HORROR CONTINUES...

1. YIKES
---------------------------------

This load confirmation screen is great.


* Tunes: Zombonita Beach *

The thread has decided that we go out fighting!

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*Snapping noise*

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---------------------------------
RESULT

The group knows that every single one of their supplies are essentiall for their chances of reaching Canada. So they fight.


Ebony is HURT!
Max is HURT!
Eason is HURT!

Saph is KILLED!

---------------------------------

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EBONY: Saph! Saph?! SAAAAAAPH!

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SAPH: S-shut up, you dink...

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SAPH: *cough* Make sure they... remember me as I lived...

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EBONY: With glutes of steel?

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SAPH: Haha... yeah...

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SAPH: I... remember who you are now... sorry for the ultimate wedgie I gave you... in... 7th grade...

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EBONY: It's alright, I forgive you!

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SAPH: Give 'em... heck... :argh:

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SAPH: blegh. :rip:



And thus we've lost our first character! Being on the road with 1 HP is a death sentence half the time, but her sacrifice was necessary for us to not get stranded without our car.

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MAX: ...In this bloody future, we fight on for those we couldn't protect.

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EBONY: For a girl who randomly jumped into my car 4 days ago, I was kinda starting to like her.

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MAX: Even though she gave you an ultimate wedgie?

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EBONY: Huh? Oh, no, she was absolutely mistaking me for someone else. I was homeschooled.

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EBONY: Didn't feel right to tell her that at the moment, though.

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MAX: ...Hm.

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EASON: *Sneezes*

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---------------------------------
Always Be Looting
While driving on the Death Road, the group decides to make a stop for supplies:

1.Gym Apartment
2.Hermit's Cabin
3. Drive Around More - 30 gas

---------------------------------

Now that we've surpassed the first siege, we also get to see our first ABL, or Always Be Looting. These will be the primary source of missions from here on out, and they take the form of offering you a few options and a choice to pay gas to reroll.

The Explorer perk automatically gives another choice here, and it's upgrades make it cheaper to reroll as well as increasing the chance of rare locations.

The prudent choice here would be to pick the Gym Apartment, but if the game's gonna try to kick me with bad RNG, I'm going to kick back.

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---------------------------------
Neighborly Visit
While trying to drive away from a big horde, the group takes a detour through the deep woods. After taking a wrong turn, they spot a cabin. There's smoke coming from the chimney!

SIEGE ALERT! THERE'S NO ESCAPE!
HORDE SIZE: Massive!!
CURRENT TIME: Noon
SIEGE LENGTH: 1 HOUR

1. Check it out
---------------------------------

* Tunes: Half-A-Brain Boogie *

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EBONY: Agh! Major misplay, not a WogChamp moment!

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MAX: That house! We'll hold out there!

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EBONY: Better plan than I've got!

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EBONY: HOLY HECKARONI!

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MAX: We stand and fight!

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EBONY: No, run and fight! Start strafing!

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EASON: BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK!

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The gym might have had food and a chance to improve our stats, and while it may seem crazy to head right back into another siege especially with two of our characters a hit away from death...

uh...

Actually, I can't really explain this other than I just kinda wanted to. :black101:

This siege pits us with zombies approaching from all sides in a somewhat small square map, with a portion of it taken up by a cabin in the upper left. Unfortunately, it intersects with the right wall of the map, meaning we can't use it as a barrier to chokepoint zombies with.

Strafing is all about trying to lure zombies away from the edges of the available movement area. This way, you can slip around them when they're almost about to trap you against the edge of the arena. Without extreme firepower or some godly stats, it's your best chance of surviving.

---------------

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EBONY: This is way more than last time!

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MAX: Hey! Person inside the cabin!

*Shotgun blast*

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HERMIT: *Pokes head out window* YOU BROUGHT ALL THESE ZOMBIES, DIDN'T YOU?

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HERMIT: GET AWAY FROM MY HOUSE! :argh:


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EBONY: God, oh god oh HECK

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EBONY: Into the house!

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MAX: No! Don't box yourself in! Staying moving is all that's keeping us alive!


We could go inside the building, but we absolutely don't want to. This isn't Left 4 Dead 2 Many 2 Dead, backing up to a corner and meleeing wildly won't save us.

Also, being inside buildings is just terrible for another reason: groups of zombies will fall from the roof at random intervals. It's why sieges forced to be indoors are the most lethal in the game. There's usually nowhere to run and absolutely nowhere to hide.

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This here is strafing in action. I let the zombies get really close with my back against the wall of the cabin to focus them all upwards. In doing this, I can herd them a bit more to the upper right, then cut a circle all the way around them with plenty of space to spare on the lower screen.

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I stayed to the upper right a little too long though, and they almost got us against the bottom edge of the screen.

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EBONY: Crap! They're still coming!

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EASON: BARK! BARK BARK! GrrrRRrr!

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EBONY: Eason! No!

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EASON: *Pant pant*

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MAX: That was too close!


Eason's AI started lagging behind a bit, (as it tends to do,) and got caught between that left reinforcement and the main horde. But given the very high base Dexterity and the stamina he had left over, he was able to slip out of there where the large majority of human characters would have become salsa.

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At 1:00 PM, the horde stops coming and we can finally bail.

But I didn't just do this to leave without anything. In order to gain anything from this event, I have to clear out every zombie.

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So, 2 hours 25 in-game minutes later, I finally kill all of them.


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EBONY: Gruesome.

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MAX: I've seen worse.

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EASON: *chews on bone*

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The inside of the cabin is blocked up a bit by some furniture, but there does happen to be a person of interest here.

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---------------------------------
The Angriest Hermit

The hermit is slightly less infuriated now, but not by much.

Well? What is it?

I've got a lot of important hermit stuff to do!

1. Ask for hermit wisdom
2. Ask him to join you
3. Tell Hermit to 'Cool it'

---------------------------------

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HERMIT: Kids these days! This is why I retreated to the woods!

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EBONY: Um, sorry about this whole-

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HERMIT: SORRY?! You ruined mah LAWN! :argh:

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EBONY: But uh... how about 'that walloping we gave them zombies?'

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HERMIT: If yer lookin' fer a reward, stick yer head up your bum! You brought 'em here and I'm all out of food!

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EBONY: Oh, that, uh, sucks. What are you gonna do now?

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HERMIT: What am I gonna do?!

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---------------------------------
RESULT

The hermit is swayed by Ebony's charms!

Well, I'm a hermit, but you know what? You're alright!
---------------------------------

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HERMIT: I'm gonna follow you's around. Hehee, I ain't seen fightin' like that in years!

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EBONY: ...Welcome to the team, I guess?

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MAX: :shrug:

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---------------------------------
Choose UR Fate

The group accepts Hermit to the team!

Onward to Canada!

---------------------------------

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---------------------------------
MISSION SUMMARY
104 zombies destroyed. :black101:

---------------------------------

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* Tunes: Nobody Cooled It *


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HERMIT: Hey, sonny! Yer car's puttin' out fumes!

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MAX: Dang! Oh, that's not good.

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EBONY: You can fix it right?

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MAX: Y-yeah. Probably.

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HERMIT: Probably?! Kids these days! Don't know how to do a dern thing!

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EBONY: Can you fix it?

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HERMIT: Heeeck no! BUT THAT'S BESIDES THE POINT!

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EBONY: From one ball of anger to another...

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---------------------------------
Trading on the Death Road

The group continues making progress along the Death Road. As long as one person remains alive, the dream of Canada lives on.

You have 2 food left.

Unexpectedly, the group finds someone they can trade with:

1. Visit Trader Camp
2. Ignore Trader Camp

---------------------------------

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Hermit was surprised that he even joined the team, being a hermit and all.

No stats revealed but Morale, which is at :)

---------------------------------

Hermit log day 3347

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HERMIT: Joined up with a buncha youngins. Had an old Hevy Stampede 1969 with 'em

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HERMIT: Prob'ly gunna break down soon

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HERMIT: Took a stop at some new age hippie flea market

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HERMIT: One half the folks are talkin' hippie talk, talking about "takin' it a daytime".

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HERMIT: Other's making crazy talk about crawlin' inside gas tanks

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---------------------------------
Firearms Coach
This rifle-wielding woman claims she used to train others in competitive shooting.

She is selling tips for keeping your aim steady and multiple target trick shots. Zombies are slow moving targets. It's real easy!

This isn't enough food to buy training.

1. Leave for now
2. Ebony uses charm
3. Hermit - SAY IT DON'T SPRAY IT

---------------------------------

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HERMIT: Some young gal was teachin' how to shoot guns, good fer her, they don't teach kids that anymore these days

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HERMIT: Told 'er that and she just looked at me strange like

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HERMIT: Kinda reminds me of my granddaughter, ain't seen 'er in years

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---------------------------------
Medical Attention

The group finds a woman surrounded by medical equipment. She claims to be a skilled doctor!

She offers to provide health care in exchange for food. You have 2 food left. There's not enough to afford treatment.

1. Leave for now
2. Ebony uses charm
3. Hermit robs the doctor

---------------------------------

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HERMIT: Some weird gal with a gas mask claimin' she's a doctor

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HERMIT: Was gunna swipe some of those meds I saw, but then the weird kid with a limp said somethin to her.

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---------------------------------
RESULT

Ebony
convinces the doctor to offer her services for free!

He's just that charming.

Ebony gets treatment for his wounds.

---------------------------------

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HERMIT: Kid don't look like much, but he's a smooth talker, ah'kin see it now

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HERMIT: The doc just patched 'im up fer dirt nothin'.


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---------------------------------
Fitness Instructor
This woman is decked out in sweat bands, limb warmers, and garish exercise clothes.

Only the fittest will survive in this zombie filled world! I can help you get fit, fast!

She's been continuously running in place this whole time. You have 2 food left.

Sadly, this isn't enough food for fitness.

1. Leave for now
2. Hermit- SAY IT DON'T SPRAY IT

---------------------------------

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HERMIT: Weird kid said somethin' about a "saff" and the young man said somethin' really uninterestin' as usual

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HERMIT: Thought i'd try sum of that newfangled youngin' speak

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---------------------------------
RESULT

Hermit quips SAY IT DON'T SPRAY IT to the fitness instructor.

Her reaction is mostly disappointment.

Yeah, well, have fun getting eaten by zombies.

She jogs backwards until she's out of sight. The group is so embarassed by this that they are forced to leave the camp.

Hermit's fitness revealed -> :)

---------------------------------

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HERMIT: weird kid just slaps his face at this, says some more made-up stuff

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HERMIT: I tell 'im to grow up an be a man

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---------------------------------
Familiar Face

The Medic is hanging around the camp. He has been waiting for you to show up!

TRAIT: Civilized PERK: Surgeon

1. Leave The Medic for now
2. Recruit The Medic!

---------------------------------

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HERMIT: Sum German weirdo lookin' at my car

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HERMIT: Tell 'im that it ain't a Bolkswagon, but he don't understand

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So, hermit talk aside, that's yet another trader camp we couldn't do much at because we were too broke. Some merchants will give you free stuff if you're completely broke, but those are all trainers/medics so they won't do it.

The Medic (from Group Fortress 2) was there, but I opted to not take him for the specific reason that our morale is about to start taking hits from having pretty much no food. I had given him Civilized, which makes him far more vulnerable to morale loss, and he'd be more likely to tantrum than Hermit or Eason at this point.

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---------------------------------
Grocery Trust Exercise

The group sets up camp outside a grocery store. They notice another group has been following them and will probably attempt to loot the place.

Send one person to loot?

1-3. Send a person to go loot
4. Let them have it, avoid trouble

---------------------------------

In hindsight, this would have been a good stopping point, but oh well. I kinda just jumped on what I thought was the right answer here...


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EBONY: Oh, sure. I'll go look. Alert me if any horde starts coming or something.

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HERMIT: You better come back with sumthin'! Get it before dem other delinquents do!


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---------------------------------
RESULT

The others stand guard outside for the looters as Ebony searches the grocery store.

Ebony says there wasn't any food in there.

Hermit's morale decreases to :geno:
Max's morale decreases to slightly less :keke:
Eason's morale decreases to :(
---------------------------------


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---------------------------------
The group didn't have nearly enough to eat. Doubt festers.

Lose 2 food, now have 0.

Ebony's morale decreases to :)
Hermit's decreases to slightly above :cry:
Max's morale decreases to :geno:
Eason's morale decreases to :cry:

---------------------------------

I can't help but notice someone's morale is higher than the others...

The game threw me a right curveball here.



And on this cliffhanger, I'll have to end this update here!

Next update ends with a choice in a rather peculiar situation, if it makes up for us not having a choice here.

NEXT TIME: The Downwards Morale Spiral continues!

User avatar
UPDATE 7: Things Go More Badly
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---------------------------------
Wasting Away

Eason's body is affected by the stress of this hopeless situation.

Eason's fitness decreases!

---------------------------------

His fitness is already in the negative values for being a dog, so nothing's really changed here. Probably one of the least terrible events we could have hit, as bad as that sounds.


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EASON: *Whimper*

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MAX: We search for food, yet find none.

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HERMIT: Lookie there! Tooth doctor's office!

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EBONY: Huh? Why?

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HERMIT: Toothpaste! It'll work!


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---------------------------------
Dentist Office

The group loots a dentist office, finding some left over medical supplies and many technically edible tubes of toothpaste. Hermit goes to the waiting room and grabs a magazine from their sparse selection.

Pick a magazine:

1. Glurge for the Sensitive Soul
2. CELEBZ news
3. Questionable Science

---------------------------------

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HERMIT: Hehee, found me some new readin'! Dem young fools'll believe anythin'!

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EBONY: We're standing right here.

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HERMIT: Wha- DON'T YOU KNOW NOT TO SNEAK UP ON YER ELDERS!? :argh:


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---------------------------------
Questionable Science

Hermit
feels pessimistic about the magazine's prediction of flying hovercars in a few years, now that civilization is more or less destroyed. It was still a pretty entertaining magazine.

Hermit's attitude revealed: :cry: (0)
Hermit's morale increases to :( (2)

Got 2 food and 3 medical.

---------------------------------

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EBONY: This strawberry flavored one doesn't taste AS bad. Still pretty bad.

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HERMIT: See! I wasn't lying!

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MAX: We never said you were.

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EBONY: Well, regardless, as long as we keep our morale up and our supplies up, we'll make it. WogChamp?

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HERMIT: Y'ain't been doin' a good job on either account, youngin'. Stop with that silly talk too!

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EBONY: ...Whatever.

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---------------------------------
CAR BREAKDOWN

The car has broken down from use and abuse. It won't start up again.

1. Abandon the car
2. Max attempts to fix it
3. Max punches the car

---------------------------------

Aaand, we've been struck by the other dreaded timer- engine damage. All the cars have health bars for both their engines and their chassis, and the engine is simply drained as you drive, so these checks are inevitable.

I took a risk here and opted to let Max try and fix it, which... isn't going to work.

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---------------------------------
RESULT

Max pops the hood of the car.

He completely fails to repair the car after wasting a day on it.

CAR ABANDONED!

Max's mechanical revealed as slightly less than :(

The group didn't have nearly enough food to eat. Doubt festers.

Ebony's morale decreases to :( (2)
Hermit's morale decreases to :cry: (0)
Max's morale decreases to almost :cry: (1)
Eason's morale is already zero.

---------------------------------

* Tunes: Frankenstein Goes to Jamaica *

I think part of me is too used to the fully upgraded Perks, which in this case would have let Max fix this, and I kinda autopiloted. Such is the danger of having too much fun, I guess.

Gotta tell myself to step back and 'Cool It' for the next updates.

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---------------------------------

Only 11 driving days until CANADA...

...IF WE HAD A CAR :cry:

---------------------------------

So here's the killer thing about having no car- you don't make any progress towards Canada in this state. You're effectively running in place, getting slapped with events until you get another car.

And these events are usually terrible!

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---------------------------------
Good Forever

The group spots a bakery van that has broken down on the side of the road. The van is irreparable, the bread is moldy and inedible, but there are some sugary cakes that are still good.

Ebony's morale increases to :geno: (3)
Hermit's morale increases to almost :cry: (1)
Max's morale increases to :( (2)
Eason's morale increases to almost :cry: (1)

Got 4 food!

---------------------------------

Except this one. This one's always fantastic.


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EBONY: Man, never has a Twonkie tasted so good.

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MAX: Is that what they're called?

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HERMIT: *munch munch* less talk, more eat

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---------------------------------
PEACEFUL CAMP

After a long hike the group finds a nice clearing to set up camp. The weather is nice and the group is able to rest peacefully.

The group is low on food, and eats less.

Lose 4 food!

Ebony's morale decreases to :geno: (3)
Hermit's morale decreases to almost :cry: (1)
Max's morale decreases to :( (2)
Eason's morale decreases to almost :cry: (1)
---------------------------------

And sometimes the game just decides to be really nice. There's a morale boost here, but it didn't show it for some reason and only told us about it going down.

We had enough food for rationing at least, as half everyone's normal amount is 3.5. Dogs still eat 1 food even when rationing.


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EBONY: At least it's not the SMELL ZONE.

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HERMIT: Ah been sleepin' in the woods mah whole life! I know how ta pick a spot!

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---------------------------------
Immortal American Pastime

The group spots a car speeding down the road, maybe this stranger can help them! Without slowing down, the driver yells out

NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERDS!

And then the car is gone.

Ebony's morale decreases to :( (2)
Hermit's morale decreases to :cry: (0)
Max's morale decreases to almost :cry: (1)
Eason's morale decreases to :cry: (0)

---------------------------------

Doesn't take long for it to stop doing that though.


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EBONY: I'll have you know, I graduated top of my class in the-

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MAX: They're gone, you can stop now.

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EBONY: Rats!

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HERMIT: KIDS THESE DAYS! :argh:


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---------------------------------
Cabin at the End of the Road
After hours of hiking, the group finds a car alongside a country road. It's in great shape, but the keys are missing. A cabin is visible to the north.

Your zombie forecast is:
SWARM SIZE: Thick
AGGRESSION: Calm
CURRENT TIME: Nightfall
---------------------------------

* Tunes: Lootin' *

Eventually, the game takes mercy on you and gives you a chance at obtaining a new car. This one's not too bad, though that late time of day is the challenge here. We're gonna have to book it.

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If Hermit did bring one thing to the team, it's his Fire Axe and Shotgun with 40 shells already on hand. Aside from his terrible personality stats, he brings with him 1 extra max HP and quite high combat stats.

Should I still have taken the safer option way back when? Yeah, pretty much.

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HERMIT: Follow me, youngin's! I know mah way around a cabin!

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MAX: Normally, I'd hate the idea of driving an ice cream van, but a vehicle's a vehicle.

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EBONY: Anything to stop the hiking! I have gamer hands not gamer legs!

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HERMIT: Boy, how'd you get gamey hands?! You been dressin' a bear when I ain't lookin'?!

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If there is at least one thing I'm happy to show off, it's this log. Hermit grabs it.


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HERMIT: Hehee! Time to do a little remodelin'!

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EBONY: Hey, gramps, we're not planning on living here.

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HERMIT: Don't you think I know that, boy?! :argh:

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HERMIT: Outta my way, rot brains!

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MAX: :stonk:

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EBONY: :stare:

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It's slow to swing, but it also hits and one-shots multiple zombies like a falling tree. Which it kinda is.

Hermit's got the stats to use it without being too handicapped, so if we've gained anything out of these misadventures, it's some good crowd control.

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---------------------------------
Car Keys

This is a set of keys, including some car keys.

Hermit picks it up.

---------------------------------

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HERMIT: Found 'em! Let's skeddadle!

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MAX: But which one is the key we need?

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EBONY: I'm guessing it's the one shaped like an ice cream cone.

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MAX: ...That would make sense. Your sharp eye serves us well in these wastes.

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---------------------------------
Let's Roll!

The keys fit perfectly!

Hermit unlocks the car door.

1. Get in the car
2. Leave it be for now

---------------------------------

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HERMIT: Yeeeehaw!

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EBONY: WogChamp. Finally.

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MAX: Why do you keep saying those things?

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EBONY: :sigh:

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The game doesn't inform you of what all you picked up on a car grab mission, so I'll just list our totals.

1 Food
136 Gas
1 Medicine
21 Pistol Bullets
13 Rifle Rounds
40 Shotgun Shells


The Ice Cream truck only has one advantage- it's chassis is very strong. It eats up 14 gas per tick and also drives slow, and also takes 4 skill to repair.

It's bad, and hopefully we find a replacement soon.

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---------------------------------
Always Be Looting

While driving on the Death Road, the group decides to make a stop for supplies:

1. Hospital Raid
2. Grocery Rescue
3. Drive Around More - 34 gas

---------------------------------

The answer seems obvious, right?

...You're gonna hate this. I...have no excuses for this one.

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---------------------------------
Hospital Raid

The group sees a hospital. Medical supplies can often be found in places like this due to the large amount of undead still wandering around.

Your zombie forecast is:
SWARM SIZE: Moderate
AGGRESSION: Irritated
CURRENT TIME: Late Afternoon

---------------------------------

Hermit log day 3350

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HERMIT: Convinced the kids to scavenge the hospital instead

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HERMIT: Was hopin' for some hospital food

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HERMIT: Had me a hoot of a time throwin' them IVs at the zambies

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HERMIT: O' course, ol' Angeline still does it well

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HERMIT: Best axe I've ever had

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HERMIT: These tight spaces ain't good for fightin'. As much as Angeline likes tearin' up the place, it's too easy to get cornered in here

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HERMIT: Weird kid brought up that German doctor man again, said we shoulda brought him. Starts talkin' about german forts or somethin'

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HERMIT: Kid picks up a bonesaw and knows how to use it

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HERMIT: a little too well


sorry about that, FoolyCharged

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HERMIT: Gol'darned place only had offices and them compooters

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HERMIT: Never trusted 'em before, ain't trustin' them now

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HERMIT: what kind of horsecrap hospital ain't got food

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HERMIT: It's the only good part

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HERMIT: The boring one patched up the mutt with some fancy spray

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HERMIT: We check every dern room

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HERMIT: Dogie finds a bullet in a toilet

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HERMIT: Smart mutt, but it ain't food, so I tell 'im so

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HERMIT: stands there and looks at me funny

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HERMIT: Reminds me of my grandson, ain't seen 'im since that last war

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---------------------------------
MISSION SUMMARY

Found 4 Medical, total 5
Found 1 Pistol Bullet
No shotgun ammo used

109 Zombies destroyed

---------------------------------

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HERMIT: what's the world come to these days, hospitals without food


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* Tunes: Green on Green *

They usually do have a bit of food, I assure. We got really unlucky there. Though, luck is the only thing that's kept us alive so far. We somehow have still avoided having a meltdown despite having insufficient food for days.

...On the bright side we've got a lot of healing?

Eh, I still can't excuse not going to the grocery there.

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---------------------------------
High Society Fashion, Post-Society

The group opens the door to a tea shop and finds a very fancy dressed woman inside, casually comparing two boxes of tea.

She puts the boxes down, turns half to you, and picks up her umbrella.

1. Recruit her
2. Leave her be

---------------------------------

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HERMIT: Looks like them pictures of grandmaw.

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EBONY: How old are you? WonkaS

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HERMIT: Don't you know it's bad manners to ask yer elders that?! :argh:

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MAX: ...Is, um... Is she ever going to say anything?


Well, thread? Now that the great misadventure is over, do we recruit this lady?

And if so, who do we replace?



--------------

!~BONUS CONTENT ~!

I have a test file I started running to better test how the game responds after loading a file after being closed. I can't leave the game on all the time.

I only needed to get to the first trading camp to test something.

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44 food, 171 gas, 7 medical, a hunting rifle and 29 shots for it.

It's DAY 1.


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And also the first trader camp happens to be SWOLE MOUNTAIN, one of the very rare, unique trader camps that I hardly ever see. And I even have the money for it this time.

Seriously game, what is this

why do you do this to me

User avatar
Update 8: WELL I NEVER!

* Tunes: What Could Possibly Go Wrong? *

By a narrow vote, Max is getting the boot!

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---------------------------------
THE PLOT THICKENS

Sammie agrees to join, but then sees how incredibly crowded your vehicle is, with both people and various filth. WELL I NEVER!

Get rid of someone to make room.

---------------------------------

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MAX: She can have my spot.

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EBONY: You sure?

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MAX: Yeah. There's an Evade Combatant 1971 over there, pretty banged up, and this area's pretty light on zombies.

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MAX: Still gotta work on my routine anyhow- learn to carry the persona if I ever want to be the Road Warrior.

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HERMIT: A'ight, see ya kid. Ha, nice knowin' ya.

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DEBUTANTE: Well, we shall hopefully meet again in the Prime Minister's land.

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---------------------------------
RESULT
Max gets booted out of the group to make room for Sammie.

Sammie joins the team!

Onward to Canada!

---------------------------------

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MAX: (oh thank god, those people are a magnet for bad luck)

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---------------------------------
Sammie: No stats revealed.

Morale is :) (4)

Holding: Debutante Umbrella, Purse

Sammie is a remnant from a far more civilized time.

---------------------------------

I know from previous experience that our Debutante's stats are decent enough, and the umbrella is a weak, but serviceable weapon that can't be broken. She should come with very high support stats all around, though I can't remember if she actually counts as Civilized.

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---------------------------------
Non-Useless Junk Shop

The group camps in a sturdy building. It seems to be an old repair shop with busted machinery laying around.

This would be a great time to train with repairing things, but that would make a lot of noise.

The group didn't have nearly enough food to eat. Doubt festers.

Lose 1 food.

Ebony's morale decreases to :cry: (0)
Hermit's morale decreases to :cry: (0)
Sammie's morale decreases to :( (2)
Eason's morale decreases to :cry: (0)

1. Just go to sleep
2. Tinker all night

---------------------------------

Oh, no, I'm not tinkering with anyone here, although the Debutante could benefit from it. With 3 people on zero, a despair siege is inevitable.

It's been fun, folks. Looks like this run is gonna die.


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DEBUTANTE: I do say, is this all there is to eat?

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EBONY: ...Meh.

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HERMIT: *incoherent grumbling*

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EASON: *low growling*

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DEBUTANTE: A right bunch of sourpusses you are! Hmph.

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DEBUTANTE: Dark times will pass. They always do!

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EBONY: ...Can any human truly be too swole?

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DEBUTANTE: *raises an eybrow at Hermit*

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HERMIT: TOO SWOLE TO CONTROLL, BABY. WOO!

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EBONY: ...Ahahaha!

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HERMIT: Heeheehaw!

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DEBUTANTE: :golfclap:

---------------------------------

Ebony's morale increases to almost :cry: (1)
Hermit's morale increases to almost :cry: (1)

---------------------------------

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HERMIT: ('Ey, I knew I'd get it right eventually. :shobon:)

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DEBUTANTE: *Nods sagely*

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EASON: grrrrRRRR

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DEBUTANTE: *Sharp glare*

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---------------------------------
Dog Tantrum

Eason throws a huge tantrum. He snorts and leaps around in one place. After finishing by ripping up some grass and peeing defiantly, he feels a little better.

Eason's morale increases to almost :cry: (1)

These antics were amusing to watch.

Ebony's morale increases to :( (2)
Hermit's morale increases to :( (2)
Sammie's morale increases to :geno: (3)
---------------------------------

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EASON: *Pants*

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DEBUTANTE: :golfclap:


And out of a miraculous turn of events, we're... not dead.

Time to not waste this opportunity and bring this run back around from it's misadventures!

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---------------------------------
Rush Hour

The zombies in this city have stirred. They are already aggressive as the group arrives.

Your zombie forecast is:
SWARM SIZE: Mild
AGGRESSION: Irritated
CURRENT TIME: Late Afternoon

1. APARTMENT WITH 'HELP' BANNER
2. PET SHOP

---------------------------------

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HERMIT: 'Ey, son, lookie over there!

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EBONY: That's... a lot of open houses!

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DEBUTANTE: And a call for aid! I do say, our trail is clear!

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EASON: BARK!


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LET'S BOOGIE

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DEBUTANTE: I ponder...where first?

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EBONY: Anywhere! There HAS to be food in at least one of these buildings!

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HERMIT: Sun's gettin' real low. Git yerself in gear!

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HERMIT: Outta my way! :argh:

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EBONY: Food! Keep looking!

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HERMIT: Rest o' the rooms are duds! Lessa go!

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EASON: BARK! BARK!

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EBONY: Smash through 'em!

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DEBUTANTE: How very gruesome!

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HERMIT: Jumpin' Jehosaphat! They're everywhere!

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EBONY: Here they come!

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+1 ZOMBO POINT

Oh, neat! I didn't even notice this until I picked it up- there was just that much splattering going on. Sometimes Zombo Points will appear in random extra buildings on missions.

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EBONY: Food! Glorious food! Woggers!

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HERMIT: Heheheee! Finally found th' good stuff!

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DEBUTANTE: Ah, this brings much jubilation! I told you the dark days would not last.

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DEBUTANTE: Oh! A restorative tonic! I pray that we will not need it.

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EBONY: Food inside a clock? Unusual place for it, but sure.

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DEBUTANTE: I shan't question a blessing.

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I'm cutting a lot of zombie mashing out here, but it's safe to say, we're finally gonna eat right for once.

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Even swapping to Eason so that we can scan rooms faster, the timer bears down on me fast. It's 8:05 PM now.

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HERMIT: Night's a comin' fast!

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DEBUTANTE: We must provide assistance!

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EBONY: You sure they're still even in there?

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HERMIT: Gaaah! So many of 'em!

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HERMIT: Boy! Get your rear end up here!

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EBONY: No can do! We've got more coming in from behind!

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DEBUTANTE: Oh, anyone here~?

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HERMIT: ...Nope, there ain't nobody here! Bah!

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EBONY: Not seeing anyone over here either!

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HERMIT: Rrraaagh! :argh:

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HERMIT: C'mon! Go, go, go! Move it!

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DEBUTANTE: WELL, I NEVER!

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EBONY: Sorry, miss, we gotta leave!

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EBONY: Yah! Hyah! Ragh! :black101:

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HERMIT: If there's-

*SHOTGUN BLAST*

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HERMIT: - ennyone 'ere, they'll hafta make it out-

*SHOTGUN BLAST*

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HERMIT: - ON THEIR OWN! :argh:

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EBONY: Path's clear to the car!

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*Transmission chugging*

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EBONY: Start, darn you!

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*Engine cuts to life*

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EBONY: Alllright! Wog. CHAMP!

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HERMIT: Give 'er!

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EASON: *Howls*

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DEBUTANTE: ...Oh, I do hope they make it out.

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---------------------------------
MISSION SUMMARY

Found 13 food
Found 11 gas, total now 108
Found 5 medical, total now 10
Found 40 pistol ammo
Found 18 rifle ammo, total now 31
Found 32 shotgun ammo, total now 32

110 zombies destroyed.

---------------------------------

* Tunes: Rigor Mortis Rag *

If I wanted to risk it, I might have been able to find the survivor, but we were right up against the clock at the end there. Turned to 9:00 just as I started cranking the car.

I figured at this point this point, I should take my good fortune and not risk it.

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---------------------------------
Helping with Car Trouble

The group meets a man trying to repair his broken car. He clearly has no idea of what he is doing.


1. Sammie- Help fix car
2. Sammie- Recruit him
3. Hermit- Steal his supplies
4. Hermit- Tell him to COOL IT

---------------------------------

Well, there's a number of ways this could go.

Well, thread? What shall we do for this guy?

User avatar
UPDATE 9: Explosive Elegance

The votes say we shall tell him to Cool It!

* Tunes: One More Road *

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DEBUTANTE: Explosives are great until you blow yourself up.

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EBONY: Huh?

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DEBUTANTE: An apt saying, is it not?

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EBONY: Yeah, but I don't think it has anything to do with this guy and his broken car.

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HERMIT: I got this!

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---------------------------------
THE PLOT THICKENS

Hermit tells the stranded man to COOL IT.

He starts yelling at the group until they leave.

Ebony's morale decreases to almost :cry: (1)
Hermit's 's morale decreases to almost :cry: (1)
Sammie's morale decreases to :( (2)
Eason's morale decreases to :cry: (0)

Hermit's wits revealed as almost :cry: (1)

---------------------------------

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DEBUTANTE: WELL I NEVER!

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HERMIT: Dern kids these days! Don't know val'able advice when they 'ear it! :argh:

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EBONY: :sigh:

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---------------------------------
Cabin with Woodstove

The group finds a cabin in the woods, with no zombies in sight. It has a woodstove in it, but no wood!

The group eats a decent meal.

Lose 7 food!

Ebony's morale increases to :geno: (3)
Ebony's attitude revealed :keke: (6)
Hermit's morale increases to :( (2)
Eason's morale increases to almost :cry: (1)

1. Go out and chop wood
2. Just go to sleep

---------------------------------

When you eat a decent meal, characters below 2 morale will get an increase. Characters with high attitude, like Ebony get +2, while others get +1.

So technically taking that morale hit was the better move here, the possible Eason tantrum that could have happened aside.


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HERMIT: 'Ey boy, where ya goin'?

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EBONY: Well, I thought a cabin like this on a chilly night should have a fire going.

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HERMIT: Ha! Yer alright, son. Well get to it, it'll be good for them arms.

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EBONY: Yes, sir!

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---------------------------------
RESULT

Ebony
chops a bunch of wood and gets the woodstove going before passing out from exhaustion.

He will be very tired tomorrow!

Ebony's strength revealed as :( (2)
Ebony's strength increases to :geno: (3)

The fire feels great!

Ebony's morale increases to :) (4)
Sammie's morale increases to :geno: (3)
Eason's morale increases to :(: (2)

---------------------------------

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DEBUTANTE: How simply wonderful! You have my thanks!

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EBONY: Hah...yeah. Really need to get some sleep...zzzzz...

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DEBUTANTE: Ah, the poor dear worked himself to slumber.

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HERMIT: Good for 'im! Builds character and muscle.

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EASON: *Pants*

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HERMIT: He ain't like the rest of them youngin's these days. Knows how ta use an axe.


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This event's one of the better one to raise stats on as it comes with a morale boost, but like a lot of its kind, it inflicts Tired on the character.

Though Ebony is a decent fighter, Sammie's stats were almost better and I wanted to catch him up.

Although, being an event that inflicts tired, you always have to be wary of it being a trap.

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---------------------------------
Armored Garage

The group finds a professional car garage. The sign says 'CAR PROZ'.

They find some gas and lots of scrap metal. Just need time to tinker.

Got 34 gas!

1. Car repair and tune up
2. Drive away

---------------------------------

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EBONY: You could make a tank of a car with all this!

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HERMIT: Eeeh, we ain't got the time. I'd rather be on the road lookin' fer more food.

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DEBUTANTE: Oh, I would hate to obscure these whimsical illustrations on our carriage. How very droll they are!

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DEBUTANTE: ...Even if they are somewhat worse for wear.

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EBONY: Yeah, on second thought, maybe we should just keep going and hope this van holds out until we find a better car. Leveling this thing up wouldn't do it much good.


This is a good opportunity to pre-emptively patch up the car, but we have neither the mechanical nor the food to do this. The armoring is a very good idea if you have a good vehicle worth keeping like a Muscle Car. Not so much for our Ice Cream truck.

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---------------------------------
Trading on the Death Road

The group continues making progress along the Death Road. As long as one person remains alive, the dream of Canada lives on.

You have 6 food left. Unexpectedly, the group finds someone they can trade with:

1. Visit Trader Camp
2. Ignore Traders but you have no reason to ever do so

---------------------------------

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* Tunes: Horsemann Shuffle *

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EBONY: You know, the last thing I expected to see was another ice cream van. What are the chances?

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---------------------------------
Shotgun Shell Stand

The Group sees a gruff man near an ice cream truck. The words ICE CREAM have been crossed off its sign with SHOTGUN SHELLS written in.

He offers to sell 5 shotgun shells for every food item you give him.

1. No thanks
2. Hermit robs the trader
3. Trade 5 food

---------------------------------

SHOTGUN TRADER: Heh, good luck making it to Canada in that thing. I tried.

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EBONY: Well, it was the first car we found.

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SHOTGUN TRADER: Lemme guess, at an abandoned cabin?

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EBONY: ...Huh.

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SHOTGUN TRADER: Yeah, same here.

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EBONY: WonkaS, man.

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SHOTGUN TRADER: And also tell your grandpa to keep his hands to himself.

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HERMIT: I wussn't doin' nuthin'! :argh:


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---------------------------------
Army Surplus Fortress

The Group finds a dumpster. It's locked tight, with a slot in the side. There are weapon names and prices scrawled near the hole.

Just drop the food in here! says a tiny voice in the dumpster.

1. Leave it alone
2. 1 grenade for 4 food

---------------------------------

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HERMIT: Ye should make yerself a cabin. Roomier.

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EBONY: There's some pretty big stuff in here apparently. Even a minigun! Wish we had the food for it.

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DEBUTANTE: It seems as if today we'll only be window shopping. Alas!

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---------------------------------
Bullet Surplus

The group talks to a friendly scavenger who is selling extra bullets. She claims to not use pistols due to how gunshots rile up zombies.

She offers 8 bullets for every food item she gets.

1. No thanks
2. Hermit robs the trader
3. Trade 5 food

---------------------------------

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HERMIT: If it riles 'em up, then ya keep shootin'!

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HERMIT: *incoherent grumbling*

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DEBUTANTE: Ah, how wasteful! You cannot just leave these lying about!

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HERMIT: Hehee! Well I'll be derned, that's a mighty fine find.

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DEBUTANTE: It is one matter to leave your house abandoned in such disarray, but this is a most shameful matter indeed!

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EBONY: Uh, lady, that's a grenade. You sure you want to stick that in your purse?

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DEBUTANTE: Don't talk down to me, young man! I know what this is!

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DEBUTANTE: Not being present to greet visitors, and leaving high explosive ordinance on the floor. THE NERVE!

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EASON: *Licks self*

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HERMIT: Ehehe... wouldn't do to just leave this food 'ere either!


With that, we've lucked into having just enough food for tonight. Thanks random houses that nobody cares if we loot!

With nothing else to gain here, I leave and...


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---------------------------------
Backs to the Wall

The group runs into a horde too thick to drive past, and gets cornered. They run for a good place to fight a seige, but the nearby buildings all look ruined. They are in a bad spot to fight.

SIEGE ALERT! THERE'S NO ESCAPE!
HORDE SIZE: Massive!!!
CURRENT TIME: Late Afternoon
SIEGE LENGTH: 1 Hour

---------------------------------

Forced siege! This is why you have to be careful about taking events that tire your characters. Some camps have campfires at them that you can use to prompt resting a day at the cost of having to eat, but the last camp wasn't so kind.

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We'll be heading into this with Ebony's Strength and Fitness tanked to values below zero, so he'll be mostly useless here without a gun. He gets the pistol.

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* Tunes: RNG- MEGA CHEESED *

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DEBUTANTE: Stick together, gentlemen!

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HERMIT: Haa... haagh... they keep a' comin!

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EBONY: Looks like we've got more company!

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HERMIT: Where?! I don't see 'em!

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EBONY: Below us!


Sometimes zombies will rise out of the asphalt to fight you, which really makes a mess of things. It's always in a localized area usually right on top of your survivors.


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HERMIT: Eat lead, ya sons 'o witches!

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DEBUTANTE: WELL I NEVER! Watch your mouth while you're in the company of a LADY.

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HERMIT: sorry, ma'am

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EBONY: Back to the left! We're getting surrounded!

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DEBUTANTE: I do say!

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HERMIT: Eh?!

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DEBUTANTE: And there's the pitch~!

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DEBUTANTE: Proceed this way, gentlemen!

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EBONY: Whoa whoa whoa! Oh, heck!

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EASON: YIPE!

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HERMIT: Yahooooo!

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HERMIT: We got a clearin'!

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EBONY: Everyone to the exit! Quickly!

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DEBUTANTE: Let us be off!

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---------------------------------
MISSION SUMMARY

63 zombies destroyed.

---------------------------------

That one was a bit harder given we were effectively down a person and there' wasn't much room to move, but that grenade really helped out.

I did check the two houses, and they were merely garbage rooms.

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Also known as death traps! Very easy to get cornered in these, and with you being indoors, zombies will start falling from the ceiling as well.

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---------------------------------
Glimmer of Hope on the Death Road

The group feels inspired after managing to survive that situation!

They feel like they are getting the hang of this...

Choose a reward for the group:

1.Morale and random skill gain
2.Morale and one health healed
3.Strength
4.Eason- +1 All Skills

---------------------------------

* Tunes: One More Road *


All Skills isn't very powerful on dogs, and we haven't taken any damage; those two options are out easily. Strength would be nice, but I'm going to nab the Morale and skill gain because we need to push that back up after the misadventures.

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---------------------------------
RESULT

Every day is a great teacher, as long as you don't get eaten.

Ebony's morale up to almost :keke: (5)
Hermit's morale up to :geno: (3)
Sammie's morale up to :) (4)
Eason's morale up to :geno: (3)

Ebony's fitness increases!
Hermit's shooting increases!
Sammie's mechanical increases!
Eason's fitness increases!

ZOMBO POINT EARNED! 3/10

---------------------------------

Both the Hermit and our Debutante's skill increases are still hidden, while Ebony is still tired and we can't really see his increases either. Eason is a dog, and therefore he's still in the negatives on physical stats.


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EBONY: FeelsGoodDude! Haven't felt this good in a while.

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DEBUTANTE: All this excitement does bring a certain light to the day!

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EASON: *Wags tail*

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HERMIT: Y'all are alright! Things're looking up!

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---------------------------------
Can Shooting Practice

The group camps out in a big field.

The group eats a decent meal.

Lose 7 food.

They find a row of cans sitting on a wooden fence.

1. Leave the camp
2. Shoot the cans

---------------------------------

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DEBUTANTE: What a peculiar arrangement!

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HERMIT: It'd make sum good shootin' practice for you two.

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HERMIT: Back in my day, we did this all the time growin' up! Hehee!

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EBONY: It's not a bad idea... Hm...



A rather innocuous one to to leave up to choice, but nonetheless what shall we do, thread?

And for those who know the game, we don't have enough Cool It, unfortunately. This'll be simply a Shooting +, Morale - trade.

User avatar
UPDATE 10: Twinge Material

Thread's voted to just leave the cans. Nothing happens when you do this, so it just cuts back to driving gameplay, instead of giving food as some might have thought.

* Tunes: What Could Possibly Go Wrong? *


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HERMIT: I need to save up a lot of ammo if I'm gonna make it.

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EBONY: We running low?

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HERMIT: Eh? Ah, yeh. Last little outin' took a good few shells.

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EBONY: Man, I just wish we had a rifle for all that rifle ammo we've got.

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HERMIT: Everythin' smells a lot differen' than before soap b'came rare.

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DEBUTANTE: And not necessarily for the better! I do say!

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HERMIT: Is everyone listenin' in on mah incoherent grumblings today!? :argh:

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---------------------------------
Always Be Looting

While driving on the Death Road, the group decides to make a stop for supplies.


1. City Row with Car
2. Apartment Row
3. Drive Around More - 34 Gas

---------------------------------

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EBONY: Hey, that car's in good condition! Wog!

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HERMIT: Whuzzat? Eh? Good eye, kid!

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EBONY: The engine in this car's been doing pretty bad, I think it's about time we switch.

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---------------------------------
Free Car!

The group drives through a city. A car is parked on the streets, and it looks almost pristine. It's just waiting to be taken!

Your zombie forecast is:
SWARM SIZE: Thick
AGGRESSION: Irritated
CURRENT TIME: Late Afternoon

---------------------------------

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HERMIT: Lessago find them keys!

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DEBUTANTE: Oh, how I shall miss these glee illustrations upon our carriage.

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DEBUTANTE: Ah, high class and of a jubilant pigmentation! A worthy alternative.

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A Hybrid car is a nice find, now the matter is only finding the keys before it hits 3:00 PM. With three houses to check, it could take some time.

The first house ends up being rather small, so we're fine there.

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HERMIT: A'ight! First wun's a bust, into the next!

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EBONY: Agh! I've been hit!

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HERMIT: Dangin'heck, boy! Get in there, dogie!

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EASON: BARK! GRR!

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EBONY: Phew, thanks. I don't know how they all fit through that door frame so fast.

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HERMIT: Ya gonna be alright?

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EBONY: Yeah, this isn't an infection based zombie menace.

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EBONY: Thanks for that, Eason.

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EASON: *Wags tail*

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DEBUTANTE: There, now that ought to do it! A salve for your wounds!

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EBONY: Woggers, that stuff really works fast! Thanks.


Zombies sort of pop through doorways into inside regions rather than precisely walking through. What happened here is that a clump of three managed to enter all at the same time, surrounding Ebony just after he entered.

This happens to be the first time anyone's actually been hit by a zombie. Only took an in-game week.

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HERMIT: Found tha kitchen!

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EBONY: Fan-tastic!


Opting for the car meant I was having to pass up the amount of food that could be found in an entire row of apartments, but the operative word is always "could". Hospitals can have food and you saw how that went.

The new car was a direly more important grab though. Our the Ice Cream van's engine's about to go out, and that extra gas use is no good.

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EBONY: Keys!

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DEBUTANTE: How boorish, leaving them two houses down the street from the respective carriage!

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HERMIT: Ah, may not like these fancy new cars, but GIVE 'ER!

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EBONY: On it! :black101:

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DEBUTANTE: WELL I NEVER!

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DEBUTANTE: Did you have to hit all of them?

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HERMIT: Unless you felt like bloodyin' that umbrella further!

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DEBUTANTE: Perish the thought!

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---------------------------------
MISSION SUMMARY

Found 7 Food
Found 39 Gas, total now 77
Pistol Ammo Total = 72
Rifle Ammo Total = 60
Shotgun Ammo Total = 13

78 Zombies destroyed.

---------------------------------

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* Tunes: Every Step of the Way *

Doin' good, doin' good! Another day where we've lucked into having just enough food, and we've got the Hybrid car now.

The Hybrid's chassis is kinda weak, and it's engine is very difficult to repair, but it drives at a normal pace and only uses 6 gas per tick! Unless you've got someone highly skilled in Mechanical these are usually use 'em until they break sorts of affairs, but they're useful while they last.

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---------------------------------
TwinkieTwonkie Truckin'

There's a Twonkie truck on the road. It's upside down, and the door to the back is locked tight. The group salivates about the bounty of processed corn syrup that must be inside.

1. Ignore it for health reasons
2. Sammy tries to jimmy it open
3. Hermit smashes it with something heavy
4. Hermit shoots the lock

---------------------------------

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EBONY: Hm, if we only had a lockpick...

*Shotgun blast*

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DEBUTANTE: MY WORD!

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---------------------------------
RESULT

Hermit takes aim at the lock on the back of the truck.
Perfect shot! The latch pops open.

The group collects the twinkies that weren't all smashed up and raided by ants after the truck flipped.

Got 8 food!

---------------------------------

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EBONY: Dude, you weren't even looking at it!

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DEBUTANTE: An excellent shot! What skill! :golfclap:

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EASON: BARK! BARKBARKBARK!

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HERMIT: Hehee! Station'ry targets are too easy to need spottin'!

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HERMIT: If they raised you kids right these days, ye'd be doing this before ya left schoolin'!


This event was a chance to gain stats, but I'm taking the safe way out now that a food surplus is looking us in the eye.

I don't know why this doesn't reveal the stat, but this should tell you how high Hermit's Shooting skill is. It's a real shame we don't have a rifle.

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---------------------------------
Mini Golf!

The group sets up camp at the safest place they could find around: an abandoned mini-golf park.

The group eats a decent meal. Lose 7 food.

In the morning, they find a golf ball and putter while searching the area. The group decides to play a quick game!

Eason runs around in excitement!

Hermit gets tired of the game and then loses the ball on purpose.

Eason's morale stays at :geno: (3)
Ebony's morale decreases to :) (4)
Hermit's morale decreases to :( (2)
Sammie's morale decreases to :geno: (3)

---------------------------------

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EBONY: Hey, it's not a driving range, old man!

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HERMIT: This is how we played back in my day! Now let's get movin'! :argh:

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DEBUTANTE: WELL I NEVER! I was looking forward to a game of croquettes!

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EBONY: ...This isn't croquettes.


This was just kinda unlucky. This is a decent place to get morale and stat ups, but it's one of the occasions where having the Bandit subtype really bites you in the rear end. In my experience, said bandit character will lose the ball almost instantly.

We also don't get to pick anything, this just auto-runs.

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---------------------------------
Last Computer, Last Chance for Internet

In a house with a generator attached, the group stumbles onto a working computer. It's one of the older style ones, when the monitors were built like an enormous brick with glass on the front.

The group salivates. Finally, FINALLY, a chance to watch Youtube Youdube videos!

1. Try to get on the internet
2. Play QBasic games instead
3. Siphon the generator

---------------------------------

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EBONY: WOG. CHAMP! I can finally get back on Twinge!

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DEBUTANTE: And I can check Debutante Daily!

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EASON: *Pants*

*Power shuts off*

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EBONY: WHAT?!


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---------------------------------
RESULT

The group siphons the gas out of the house's generator. There's a good amount left.

The power shuts down, along with the chance to go on the internet.

Get 39 Gas!

Ebony's morale decreases to :geno: (3)
Hermit's 's morale decreases to almost :cry: (1)
Sammie's morale decreases to :( (2)
Eason's morale decreases to :( (2)

---------------------------------

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HERMIT: Figured we needed th' gas.

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EBONY: NOOOoooooooooo..... :negative:

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DEBUTANTE: Hmph!

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EASON: *Whines*

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HERMIT: Why you all lookin' at me like that?! :argh:

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HERMIT: Kids these days...


I'm risking our morale dropping a little low here, as gas has seemed to be pretty rare thus far. This ought to keep us for a long while, and nobody in our party actually has the skills to get onto the internet with this ancient computer.

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Crowded City

The group sees a city in the distance, with zombies crowding the strets. Getting back alive may be difficult.

Your zombie forecast is:
SWARM SIZE: Very Thick
AGGRESSION: Calm
CURRENT TIME: Afternoon

1. OFFICE BUILDING
2. BAR

---------------------------------

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HERMIT: Bar! Over there!

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EBONY: Just looks like some offices over there, so I guess.

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DEBUTANTE: Mm. Perhaps we'll find some tea?


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* Tunes: Lootin' *

Hermit log day 3353 (i think)

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HERMIT: Convinced the kids to stop by a bar

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HERMIT: Kinda just wanted a drink, but it turn'd out alright

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HERMIT: Only a few buldin's to check

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HERMIT: Weird kid was gobbleblasted that I could throw wardrobes

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HERMIT: He could too, if 'e ever put the work inta it

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HERMIT: Little lady just did that dainty clap thing

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HERMIT: All this rifle bullets an' no rifle

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HERMIT: figures

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HERMIT: Them zambies are comin' round in bigger number

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HERMIT: Found tha bar, had me a nice place like this before i went hermit

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HERMIT: No drinks, but there was an old two barel shotgun

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HERMIT: Found another kid in the bar, musta drunk all my soda

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HERMIT: Had ta even out his blood suger

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HERMIT: like how I used ta have to do fer me nephew

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HERMIT: a few stale bar pretzels did tha trick

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HERMIT: found a machine that said something about bein' a "ultra babe"

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HERMIT: The kids thought it was a hoot, and it was kinda nice to see

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HERMIT: Mor houses, mor food

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HERMIT: Lil' dogie is good at sniffin it out

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HERMIT: Dern zambies tried ta corner us on leavin the last house

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HERMIT: Angeline done showed em

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HERMIT: New car makes me nervous, don't trust it

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HERMIT: Downright creepy how little gas it uses

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HERMIT: Made it outta there clean though

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---------------------------------
MISSION SUMMARY

Found 13 food, total now 21
Found 1 gas, total now 93
Found 2 medical, total now 12
107 Pistol ammo total
68 Rifle ammo total
28 Shotgun ammo total

91 zombies destroyed

---------------------------------

* Tunes: One More Road *

Solid haul! We also managed to save the survivor, so we're getting that as well.

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---------------------------------
Rescue Successful!

Christopher catches up with the group at a safe spot.

He offers a reward in thanks for saving him!


1. Recruit to team
2. Stash of 15 food
3. Group Mechanic training

---------------------------------

As nice as it'd be to know our Debutante's mechanical, 15 food is too hard to pass up. We should have a trader camp coming up soon, and we could do a lot more with that than a few spread points of mechanical.

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Quick Stop

After a long drive, the group finds a safe place to camp. The night passes with no incidents. The group eats a decent meal.

Lose 7 food. Total now 29 food.

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EBONY: Well, this is nice. Spots like these make you forget that there's a zombie apocalypse and all that.

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HERMIT: Yah, well don't remind us then!

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EBONY: Haha. Right, right.

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DEBUTANTE: Such a serene grove. My slumber shall come quick tonight!

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EASON: ZZZzzz...


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Always Be Looting

While driving on the Death Road, the group decides to make a stop for supplies.


1. Commercial Row
2. Big Grocery Store
3. Drive Around More - 15 Gas


---------------------------------

Well, thread? We have 81 gas, so it wouldn't be too out of the way to try for something else. The Hybrid makes it pretty cheap all things considered, or we could keep playing it safe and aim for one of the already given options.

Where shall we Be Looting?

(Also, I'll be taking the rest of this weekend off. I think I'll be making the schedule for this updates on just weekdays.)

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UPDATE 11: The Legend of Garland

Looks like we're headed to the Grocery Store!

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We're on Day 10, though we're 6 days from Canada on a normally 15 day trip. The misadventures cost us some time.

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Grocery Shopping

The group spots a big grocery store. Many zombies roam inside, guarding shelves and storage rooms.

Your zombie forecast is:
SWARM SIZE: Thick
AGGRESSION: Calm
CURRENT TIME: Daybreak

---------------------------------

* Tunes: Rigor Mortis Rag *


Calm aggression will make this very easy, and the Daybreak time ensures that I can search for as long as I need.

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Hermit swaps back to his normal shotgun instead of the double barrel. That thing is overkill for a mission like this, and in most situations, really.

Someone with a good shooting skill, like Hermit, can make very good use of it to absolutely blow a horde away.

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EBONY: Man, it's too early for this...

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HERMIT: Up an' at 'em, boy! This is late by a farmer's standards!

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HERMIT: Outta the way! Hungry old man comin' through! :argh:

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Grocery stores are easy in that shopping carts are usually everywhere, being incredibly effective weapons, but difficult in that the shelves can make it hard to escape.

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You also have to keep your eyes out for food on the shelves. It's easy to miss.

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EASON: BARK!

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HERMIT: Naw, there ain't nuthin' in this toilet.

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EASON: *Whine*

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DEBUTANTE: MY WORD! Is that necessary?

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EBONY: Sometimes there's good stuff in there.

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EBONY: It's, er, usually not, but sometimes-

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EBONY: Jeez! Where did all these come from?!

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HERMIT: Just smash 'em until they stop comin'! Cut 'em off at the pass!

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EASON: GrrrRRR!

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A steady stream of zombies found their way to the door, so it became a kill three, four more appear kind of thing.

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HERMIT: Hehee! Look'it all this food in here!

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EBONY: Hey, there's even tea!

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DEBUTANTE: Yet it is only green tea, alas. It will have to suffice in times like these...

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DEBUTANTE: *Dainty pout*

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EBONY: Eason, what's with the, uh, spine in your mouth?

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EASON: *Wags tail*

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EBONY: WonkaS.

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EBONY: Uh, car?

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HERMIT: Git ta movin', dern you!

*Kicks the front of the car*

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DEBUTANTE: Crude, but effective! :golfclap:

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DEBUTANTE: Though our carriage seems to be on it's last legs. If only my butler were here!

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HERMIT: What's a butler know about cars?

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DEBUTANTE: You'd be positively shocked to find out!

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---------------------------------
MISSION SUMMARY

Got 17 food, total now 46!
Total gas = 83
Total pistol ammo = 122
Total shotgun ammo = 34

77 zombies destroyed.

---------------------------------

* Tunes: One More Road *

Pretty good haul! Hopefully we find a trading post soon, or some better ABL locations, because some new gear and stats are in order. Hermit's the only one here equipped with stuff decent for the late game.

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HERMIT: This can opener has seen better days.

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EBONY: THAT'S what that used to be?!

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HERMIT: Still works though!

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---------------------------------
The Perfect Rock

The group finds a perfect throwing rock on the ground. It is next to a low fence guarding a big fall. At the bottom of this drop is a single zombie, standing there, staring at nothing in particular.

It's too good to pass up. Someone MUST throw that rock at this zombie:

1. Ebony
2. Hermit
3. Debutante

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EBONY: Like, it's just waiting to happen.

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HERMIT: I'd just rather shoot it.

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DEBUTANTE: AND SHE GOES FOR THE PITCH~!

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RESULT

Sammie is compelled to throw a rock at the hapless zombie. They put all their might into a mighty downward throw. The rock misses the zombie, but obliterates a small garden gnome.

Sammie's strength revealed as :( (2)
Ebony's morale increases to :) (4)
Hermit's morale increases to :geno: (3)
Sammie's morale increases to :geno: (3)
Eason's morale increases to :geno: (3)

---------------------------------

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DEBUTANTE: Right on the mark!

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HERMIT: Hehee! You got an arm, young miss!

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EBONY: Um, we were aiming at the zombie.

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DEBUTANTE: Mayhaps you were, but not I.

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EBONY: Oh, well, I guess thou hast struck an excellent blow!

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DEBUTANTE: Thank you, thank you. *Gives a stately curtsy*

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---------------------------------
Kinda Pushy

The group finds another traveller by the roadside, named Garland.

They insist on joining the group, immediately. The group isn't even given a choice. Someone will have to be kicked to make room:

1-3: Replace a character
4: Leave Garland behind

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HERMIT: Zzz....

*Loud crash*

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GARLAND: Hey all, it's me, Garry Garland, and I'm here to join your party!

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DEBUTANTE: WELL I NEVER! Get out of my carriage this instant!

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EASON: GrrarRRR! BARK! BARK! BARK!

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HERMIT: ZZZzz...

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GARLAND: Don't worry about it! Just drive!

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EBONY: No no no, last time someone did that, they were suplexed by sweatbandits. Save yourself and get out of here!

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GARLAND: It's fiiiiine, everything'll be-

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DEBUTANTE: OUT OF MY SEAT, YOU CUR! :argh:

*Slams him back the window, gracefully*

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HERMIT: Jumblin' Jeflooza! What in the-

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EBONY: :stonk:

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GARLAND: *Rolling away into the distance* You'll rue this day cringelords .....

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EASON: Grrr... *squeak*

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HERMIT: What did I miss?

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DEBUTANTE: Not a thing! :shobon:

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EBONY: Even I'm not sure, so let's go with that. :stare:

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EASON: *squeak squeak*


This guy's not as bad as he looks, mechanically, though nobody here is worth replacing for him.

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---------------------------------
Boring Stop

The group finds an empty spot along the road that looks as good for camping as any.

The group eats a decent meal. Lose 7 food.

---------------------------------

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HERMIT: Hey, sonny, I've a been wonderin', where'd you learn to use that axe so well?

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EBONY: Oh, this? Ahaha...uh... video games, I guess.

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HERMIT: Hrmph. Figures...

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HERMIT: Still, ya got a talent for it, I'd say. When we git ta Canada, you oughta take up loggin'.

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EBONY: Well... something tells me that most of my audience got eaten, so maybe.

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HERMIT: Audience? You used ta be some kinda perform'r?

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EBONY: Something like that.

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HERMIT: Well, whatever, youngin'. Give it a bit of thought. These tough ol' bones need some sleep now.

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EBONY: Hey! Whoa, whoa! Make sure to keep both hands on the wheel when driving!

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DEBUTANTE: Hmph! Fine, whatever! I'll just let my chausseurs handle this.

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EBONY: Maybe the zombie apocalypse isn't the best time to teach someone how to drive a car that's about to fall apart.

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DEBUTANTE: Hmph. :smith:


Sammie's morale decreases to :( (2)

Just like the "too swole to control" call out earlier in the game, this is a random dialogue with a morale effect. The game just throws these out randomly, and they're just gonna happen.

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Choose UR Fate

Five bandits ambush the group while they are about to sneak into a zombie infested house. The bandits speak in a half-whisper, afraid to attract undead attention. They say to hand them over some supplies, or they'll yell.

1. Give 10 food
2. Hermit tells bandits to 'Cool It'
3. Call bluff

---------------------------------

* Tunes: Nobody Cooled It *

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DEBUTANTE: (My word!)

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EBONY: (This is a bad spot to be in...!)

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EASON: *Low growl*

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DEBUTANTE: *Looks at Hermit*

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HERMIT: 'Ey, you all...!

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---------------------------------
THE PLOT THICKENS

In a faint whisper, Hermit tells the bandits to COOL IT.

The bandits are, for what feels like a long time, taken aback by this.

The bandits were all talk, and don't make a sound when their bluff is called. The group goes back to the car as the bandits creep away.

---------------------------------

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DEBUTANTE: :golfclap:

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EBONY: Duuude, major POG right there.

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HERMIT: Hehee! I could tell they ain't got any guts when I first saw 'em.

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EBONY: Anyways, I think we're gonna have to leave this place anyways. They might come back to spite us unless we do.

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DEBUTANTE: What a dreadful thought! Yet, there is truth in it. Let us be off then!

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Trading on the Death Road

The group continues making progress along the Death Road. As long as one person remains alive, the dream of Canada lives on.

You have 39 food left.

Unexpectedly, the group finds someone they can trade with:


1. I'm never not going to one of these

---------------------------------

* Tunes: Green on Green *

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dog log

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EASON: BARK!

TRANSLATION: ("This is the rare Hidden Laboratory camp.")

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Weapons Barterer

The group sees a woman standing near a stockpile of crates. The crates seem to contain a large amount of food and drink.

I got food! I'm looking for some great weapons!

1. Give nothing right now
2. Hermit robs her
3-4. Sell some gear

---------------------------------

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EASON: *Sniffs air, starts panting*

TRANSLATION: ("You can only sell rarer items to these merchants.")

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EASON: BARK!

TRANSLATION: ("Only thing we could consider selling is the Double Barreled Shotgun for 3 food, but I'd rather not.")


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Gas For Sale

The group finds a man near a rusted truck. The truck is full of gas tanks and oily rags. Both the man and truck reek of gasoline.

He offers to sell 10 units of gas in exchange for every food item he gets. You have 39 food left.

1. No thanks
2. Hermit robs the trader
3. Trade 15 food
4. Trade 10 food

---------------------------------

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EASON: *whimper*

TRANSLATION: ("Not a bad deal, but our car is also about to break down and we've got zero chance of fixing it. We can take the gas now and hope it doesn't get lost in walking events, or just save our food and hope it doesn't get lost in walkign events.")


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The Science of Shopping

All trading you do here will go towards the advancement of science!

1. Leave her for now
2. Buy Teleporter - 5 food
3. Buy Mazer Pistol - 12 food
4. Recruit her to team - 20 food

---------------------------------

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EASON: *sneezes*

TRANSLATION: ("A lot to unpack here.")

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EASON: *cocks head to side*

TRANSLATION: ("The teleporter has 5 charges, and does a damaging warp when used. I've never used these.")

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EASON: BARK!

TRANSLATION: ("The Mazer Pistol is slower than a normal pistol, but hits twice as hard at the cost of being twice as slow. It also has a 50% penetration rate and 200 unrechargeable ammo.")

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EASON: *wags tail* BARK!

TRANSLATION: ("The Mad Scientist is a good ally, coming with a 50 shot version of the Mazer Pistol and a telporter that recharge themselves between missions."

"She could also save our Hybrid car with her max mechanical, but someone would have to be kicked to fit her in. ")


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Helpful Robot

It's a helpful robot!

For its off time, it's programmed with a sales pitch.

1. BEEP 2. HONK
3. I AM SELLING ROBITS
4. UP TO TWO ROBITS


1. No sale!
2. Buy Blue Robot - 3 food

---------------------------------

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Menacing Robot

This robot seems intense. Its claws look menacing. It must be a guard.

1. BEEP 2. HONK
3. I AM SELLING A ROBIT
4. MAXIMUM OVERPOWER


1. Get away from me
2. Buy Red Robot - 6 food

---------------------------------

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EASON: *chases tail in circles*

TRANSLATION: ("The robots are great- they start as thrown weapons, but deploy when they hit the ground. This turns them into temporary teammates that help fight zombies on that map. Blue bots have boxing, and the red bot has kung-fu.")

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EASON: *pants*

TRANSLATION: ("For 9 food, this buys a lot of safety for sieges.")



So thread? Whatcha' buyin'?

User avatar
UPDATE 12: Gone With the Breeze

* Tunes: Horsemann Shuffle *

Votes are in, and after a tiebreaker, we buy 2 robots and Sammie is kicked in favor of The Doc.

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RESULT

Hermit buys a BLUE ROBIT!

Throw it on the ground and it will help you until it runs out of batteries.

Lose 3 food.

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HERMIT: A'ight, son, I'm takin yer word on this.

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EBONY: I think it'll work out fine. At the worst, they'll make for a good distraction.

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---------------------------------
THE PLOT THICKENS

Sure, I can join you. I'm getting bored here, I need to do some research out in the field.

Finish buying anything you want before you recruit me! It's not that I don't trust you, but after I join I'm locking all my weapons to my fingerprint ID. Just in case I die mysteriously.


---------------------------------

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Choose UR Fate

The group is full. Who would you like to replace to make room for Doc?

Lose 20 food!

I'm ready to zap things! I bought my solar recharger!

Doc's mechanical revealed as :keke: (6)
Doc's wits revealed as :keke: (6)
Doc's shooting revealed as :cry: (0)

---------------------------------

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DOC: Gotta ask though, how big a car you got? I don't have the materials to add a sidecar.

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DEBUTANTE: I believe there is room. I do think I'll be staying here.

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EBONY: Wait, really?!

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HERMIT: Eh?!

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DEBUTANTE: I must thank you for bringing me this far unharmed, truly. You two will make it to the Prime Minister's land, I have no doubts of that.

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DEBUTANTE: ...But, I've realized I've got my own things to accomplish.

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EASON: *Whine*

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DEBUTANTE: We shall meet there, in time! Do not despair, for the dark days are long gone! :keke:

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EBONY: Well, it's gonna be a lot different of a trip without you. You were major WogChamp, lady.

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HERMIT: Hmph...

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DEBUTANTE: Farewell! Be along now!

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HERMIT: (Gonna miss ya, little miss.) :smith:

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HERMIT: (...I'll see the boy across the border for ya.)

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DOC: What took you so long?

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HERMIT: Mind yer own business, sawbones! :argh:

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DOC: Eh, whatever. I've been checking out the ride here, and zounds, you three did a number on this.

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EBONY: Can you fix it?

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DOC: I don't just fix, I improve :science:

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HERMIT: Well then, what ya waitin' on?

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DOC: For it to break down. Easier to fix that way.

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Factory Complex

The group gets overwhelmed by a horde, and flees for a nearby factory. There must be another way out inside.

Your zombie forecast is:
SWARM SIZE: Thick
AGGRESSION: Hunting
CURRENT TIME: After Dark

1. DIVE IN

---------------------------------

* Tunes: Horsemann Shuffle *

Here's our first "escape" mission. These are always cramped corridors turned into a gauntlet of zombies, usually with little to find. They count as forced sieges, but depending on your stats and gear they can be easier or harder than a normal siege.

They can easily be a death sentence for an unprepared group, especially on higher difficulties, but we should be fine.

And yes, it is playing Horsemann Shuffle again, these don't usually use siege music, and it just happened to use this one for this. :shrug:

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They also have a bad habit of starting you right inside a giant pile of zombies.

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HERMIT: Bah! This place has just as many as there was outside!

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EBONY: Still, if we trick the rest into following us in here, we can loop back to the car safely.

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EBONY: Just have to find another exit.

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DOC: Excellent plan!

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HERMIT: And whaddabout dead ends?

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DOC: I have calculated that the chance of running into a dead-end is less than 1%.

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HERMIT: *incoherent grumbling*

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DOC: And even if we did hit one, I have a teleporter.

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EBONY: You know, I always thought laser pistols would be real one day.

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DOC: It only took a zombie apocalypse to get the funding!

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EBONY: Wait, who funded you?

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DOC: Well, nobody, really. When the world is in anarchy, materials no longer cost anything! :science:

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DOC: Well, at least when it started. It's hard to get parts nowadays unless it's zombie parts.

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HERMIT: Gerroff me, ya rotbag!

*Smashes with axe*

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DOC: Your abnormal strength is quite intriguing.

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DOC: To-do: Make mechanical arm to arm wrestle old guys.

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HERMIT: Would you git ta fightin'?! :argh:

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DOC: Revision- "to arm wrestle grouchy old guys."

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EBONY: How long have we been in here?

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DOC: I don't wear a watch.

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EBONY: Woggers! There's a ladder out!

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HERMIT: Let's just get outta here.

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---------------------------------
CAR BREAKDOWN

The car has broken down from use and abuse. It won't start up again.

1. Abandon the car
2. Doc attempts to fix it
3. Ebony punches the car

---------------------------------

* Tunes: Nobody Cooled It *

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DOC: Neat, it finally gave out.

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EBONY: Well, at least we got out of range of that factory.

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EBONY: You said you can fix it, right?

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DOC: Psh, this is gonna be easy. My doctoral thesis was on Death Rays.

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EBONY: I... don't see what that has to do with fixing a car.

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DOC: Just stand back and don't watch unless you want to be blinded permanently! :science:

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HERMIT: I dunno what ya did, but it's a runnin'.

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Engine Health: 3/5

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DOC: I estimate we'll run out of gas before it breaks down again.

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Glimmer of Hope on the Death Road

The group feels inspired after managing to survive that situation!

They feel like they are getting the hang of this...

Choose a reward for the group:

1. Morale and random skill
2. Medical
3. Mechanical
3. Hermit + 2 Medical

---------------------------------

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EASON: BARK! *wags tail*

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EBONY: Yeah, that still went pretty well all things considering.

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HERMIT: Hrmph... *grumble grumble*

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DOC: Is he always like that?

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EBONY: No, but I still wouldn't bother him.

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---------------------------------
RESULT

Every day is a great teacher, as long as you don't get eaten.

Ebony's morale increases to almost :keke: (5)
Hermit's 's morale increases to :) (4)
Doc's morale increases to almost :keke: (5)
Eason's morale increases to :) (4)

Ebony's shooting increases!
Hermit's mechanical increases!
Doc's shooting increases to almost :cry: (1)
Eason's mechanical increases!

2 ZOMBO POINTS EARNED! ZOMBO POINTS 5/10

---------------------------------

The two shooting rolls there were good, but the rest was meh. I opted for the morale simply because I want a buffer for the coming days just in case. The final stretch to Canada is brutal.

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Old Campground

The group finds an abandoned campground with a fire pit. Ebony even finds an old, somewhat stale extra-large pack of marshmallows!

1. Eat Marshmallows
2. Tell Stories

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EBONY: I don't know if the ten-second rule applies at this point.

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DOC: It'll probably be fine.

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HERMIT: It's food, ain't it?

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RESULT

The group sets up camp, then eats a huge bag of marshmallows instead of eating dinner. There's even some left over!

Get 2 food!

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Familiar Faces

Whoa, it's Dylan! It's nice to see a familiar face! He is humming a little song, and hasn't noticed the group yet.

TRAIT: Irritating PERK: Ultrafit

1. Recruit Dylan to team
2. Leave Dylan behind

---------------------------------

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EBONY: That guy looks familiar...

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DOC: An old colleague?

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HERMIT: Zzzz....

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DYLAN: ♪ Never gonna let you down! Never gonna- give you up! ♪

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EBONY: Something like that. Just gonna keep driving...

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DOC: Ah, THAT kind of colleague. I had a lot of those.


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Mysterious Radio Signal

The group finds a strange repeating message on the radio. It's a series of short bursts of music, beeps, spoken numbers, and haunting slide whistle noises. There's also a kazoo in there.

What could it all mean?

1. Ignore it
2. Decipher message
3. Drive to signal

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DOC: A code! I recognize this pattern...

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DOC: Look for ... wishes... crypt...

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EBONY: Look for the Well of Wishes in the Crypt of Decay?

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DOC: ...Eureka! That's it!

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DOC: But where's the Crypt of Decay?

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EASON: *Points*

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HERMIT: 'Ey, lookie there! A bunker!

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---------------------------------
Choose UR Fate

The message warns that the base has been abandoned, but they hid a stash of ammo to help other survivors. The stash turns out to be nearby!

Ebony's morale increases to :keke: (6)
Hermit's 's morale increases to almost :keke: (5)
Doc's morale increases to :keke: (6)
Eason's morale increases to almost :keke: (5)

Got 34 pistol ammo!
Got 21 rifle ammo!
Got 14 shotgun ammo!

Ebony's wits revealed as :keke: (6)
Eason's wits revealed as :geno: (3)

---------------------------------

This was a lucky get. We're also finally back up to max morale!

This probably won't last long!

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---------------------------------
Always Be Looting

While driving on the Death Road, the group decides to make a stop for supplies:

1. Prepper Cabin
2. Junkyard
3. Drive Around More - 15 gas

---------------------------------

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EBONY: Oh, WonkaS.

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DOC: What?

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EBONY: Gas is almost out, hardly noticed.

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DOC: Give me 5 days and I'll make a solar panel and convert this car to a pure electric engine.

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HERMIT: We ain't got 5 days!

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EBONY: Hm... Let's head up this dirt road. Probably a cabin or something up here, I'm guessing.

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HERMIT: Good thinkin' boy, they've probably got a generator.

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---------------------------------
Prepper Cabin

Ebony
knew some people that became crazy preppers long before the zombies happened. Their cabin is located nearby and it's still fairly early in the day.

Your zombie forecast is:
SWARM SIZE: Moderate
AGGRESSION: Irritated
CURRENT TIME: Morning

1. Visit the cabin

---------------------------------

* Tunes: Rigor Mortis Rag *

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HERMIT: BOY! :argh:

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EBONY: H-huh?! What?

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HERMIT: What happened to yer axe!?

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EBONY: I, er... might've lost it way back in the factory. I got this hammer though, I'll be good!

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HERMIT: *incoherent grumbling*

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HERMIT: :sigh:

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DOC: (Your grandpa okay?)

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EBONY: (He gets like this. We're also not related.)

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DOC: (Who is he, then? Some random old guy?)

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EBONY: (Actually, yeah.)

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DOC: Taste death ray, zombie nerds!

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HERMIT: *grumbling* dern doctors *grumbling*

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DOC: Hey, what's he doing?

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EBONY: Hey, gramps, we don't have time-

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HERMIT: :black101:

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EBONY: :stare:

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DOC: :magical:

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EASON: *urinates on tree*

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HERMIT: Loot galore! Grab it all!

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EBONY: Heck yeah!

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DOC: I believe that is the last of our acquisitions here.

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HERMIT: Good doggie! Get that gun to the truck!

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EASON: BARK!

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DOC: Fascinating amount of intelligence it has. This warrants studying.

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HERMIT: Let's get a goin'!

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---------------------------------
MISSION SUMMARY

+9 food, total now 27
+4 medical, total now 16

Total pistol ammo: 167
Total shotgun ammo: 40

47 zombies destroyed.

---------------------------------

* Tunes: One More Road *


No gas there, rats. I was hoping for a chainsaw spawn, as those are usually guaranteed to have gas nearby.

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EBONY: Things are going good now, but we got to be prepared for anything.

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EBONY: Well, aside from the gas situation that is. We can go just a little longer, but we're almost out.

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DOC: Praise be to science for gas efficient cars! :science:

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---------------------------------
Passing Out

Exhausted after an extra long drive, the group scouts out a camping spot and falls asleep immediately after.

The group eats a decent meal.

Lose 7 food.

---------------------------------

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EBONY: I'm wary of turning the car off in case it won't start again, but I don't think we'll have another good chance like this to sleep.

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DOC: I estimate we can get one last good day out of it like this.

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DOC: My doctoral thesis was on Death Rays, not cars, but my knowledge of these matters is unmatched.

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---------------------------------
City Before Dusk

The group is travelling close to nightfall and sees a city in the distance. The zombies grow more aggressive as the sun sets.

SIEGE ALERT! THERE'S NO ESCAPE!
HORDE SIZE: Mild
CURRENT TIME: Irritated
SIEGE LENGTH: Nightfall

---------------------------------

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EBONY: Aaaaand... she's out.

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HERMIT: Hardware store! They'll have some kinda gas.

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EBONY: Yeah! There's gotta be one around here somewhere!

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HERMIT: We better haul tail, or we're gonna get trampled.

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DOC: Solar Mazer is charged, and ready for action. :science:

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EASON: GRRrrrr...


Join us next time for:

DESCENT INTO DARKNESS

* Tunes: They Can't Be Stopped *

No decisions this time, had to split this update in two we'll be fine, mostly

User avatar
UPDATE 13: 72 Hours Remain

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* Tunes: Lootin' *

Yeah, we won't be hearing this track for long. 8:00 PM is an incredibly bad time to be out on a ABL, but we have zero choice or otherwise lose the car.


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HERMIT: Ain't no time to scavenge these other houses too much, we gotta find gas!

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EBONY: On it!

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Normally, getting a map that is multiple streets in size with many houses is a time for tons of loot, but on this map it's making it too difficult to find the thing we're even here for.

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EBONY: There we go, an Ernie's!

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DOC: Then let us make haste! The Solar Mazing adapter can only power so many shots.

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HERMIT: Gas!


* Tunes: They Can't Be Stopped *


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EBONY: Just in time, too!

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HERMIT: Bah! I can 'ardly see! Anything else tha's useful?!

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DOC: This place is devoid of much more than wood planks!

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EBONY: Hey, I found a crowbar!

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HERMIT: Grab it an' let's go!

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DOC: We're lucky they're sparse in number, but they don't stop coming!

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The true danger of midnight is that zombie aggression is set to it's highest, making them move and bite a good bit faster than usual, and that they now track you down from far away. On Normal, this isn't that bad, but on Extreme difficulties, it is truly terrifying.

Periodically, small amounts of zombies will move onto the map, but the big danger here is the limited sight range making it easy to underestimate the amount of zombies actually around. It's very easy to walk into a dead end and have a big group filter in behind you.

If you're well equipped and properly cautious, it's not much of an issue on this difficulty though. Flashlights and light producing weapons can help with sight somewhat, as you'll see soon.

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EBONY: The car! Alright, I'll get it filled up fast, just watch my back!

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EBONY: Done!

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DOC: There doesn't seem to be that many left around here, in spite of the restless night. We might have a chance to go grab something else.

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HERMIT: Whatcha sayin'? We go looking for more stuff?

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EBONY: Not a bad idea, houses this close to Canada might have some good stuff leftover in them.

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EASON: *sneezes*

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HERMIT: Well, I ain't afraid of zambies or darkness, so get yer backsides in gear before we run outta time!

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So, I send the group up to the nearest house and nearest door I can see...

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HERMIT: More rifle rounds!

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DOC: Yes, for the rifles we don't have.

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HERMIT: Don'tcha think I know that?! :argh:

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EBONY: Bleh, more trash rooms.

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DOC: Zounds! They're starting to move in now!

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HERMIT: Chew on this!

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DOC: Impressive... :hmmyes:

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DOC: Todo- create furniture that automatically throws itself at zombies...

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EBONY: Is that even possible?

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DOC: Nothing is impossible... with SCIENCE. :science:

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EBONY: And suddenly, a rifle appears!

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HERMIT: Hehee! This is gunna pay off if we make it outta here alive, sawbones!

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DOC: A reminder, I'm not a medical doctor. So don't get a burst appendix or something.

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EBONY: Eason! Hey boy, take my flashlight!

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EASON: BARK!

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DOC: The intelligence of this dog continues to be astounding.

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EASON: *Wags tail*


Dogs are capable of carrying one item in their mouth, and their AI will have them occasionally pick up stick-like objects.

Giving them a flashlight can work out pretty well, as long as they don't decide to drop it for something less useful, like a pipe wrench.

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EBONY: We all in?

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DOC: Affirmative!

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EASON: BARK BARK!

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HERMIT: Now give'er!

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---------------------------------
MISSION SUMMARY

Found 76 gas, total now 81
Found 1 medical, total now 17
Total pistol ammo - 173
Total rifle ammo - 149
Total shotfun ammo - 28

103 zombies destroyed.

---------------------------------

* Tunes: One More Road *

Shotgun's been seeing a lot of use, but with the rifle, we'll now be able to let up on using it.

The base pistol is usually too weak to be much more than a way to contribute while tired- we really need a revolver or SMG.

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The background changes when at certain day intervals, and this is the last change we'll see, being only 3 days from Canada.

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---------------------------------
Deer Crossing

A deer has stopped in the middle of the road. It stares at the car.


1. Leave it alone
2. Run the deer over
3. Hermit tries to shoot it

---------------------------------

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EBONY: Heckaroni! I about hit this thing!

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HERMIT: *leans out window*

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---------------------------------
RESULT

Hermit
takes a shot at the deer from one of the car wndows. He makes the shot, bagging the deer while also going against any sense of hunter ethics.

The group doesn't know much about preserving game, but they clumsily cook some meat to pack into the car.

Get 10 food!
Hermit's shooting revealed as :keke: (6)

---------------------------------

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DOC: Oh dear... this is why I stuck to Death Ray research... :eng99:

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HERMIT: You ain't flinched at none of the zambies we been smashin'. Suck it up.

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DOC: Dissection is another matter... entirely... *retch*

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HERMIT: What kinda sawbones are ya?

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EBONY: ...Well, it's more food at least. Wog?

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HERMIT: If the sun wasn't settin' we could'a got more off it.

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EBONY: Well thanks for the, uh, sudden lesson on field dressing.

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EASON: *Drools*


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---------------------------------
Moose in the Morning

The group camps for the night, off a quiet stretch of the road.

The group eats a decent meal.

Lose 7 food!

---------------------------------

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---------------------------------
The Morning Moose

In the morning, there's a moose outside the camp! It looks injured, and is just glaring at the group.

Even injured, a moose is a really powerful creatre. Probably best not to mess with it.


1. Leave moose alone
2. Doc treats its injury
3. Hermit shoots the moose
4. Hermit wrestles the moose

---------------------------------

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EBONY: Hey, gramps!? What are you-

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HERMIT: *tears shirt off*

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HERMIT: Hahaw! I've been waitin' for a chance ta do this!


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---------------------------------
RESULT

Hermit
wrestles the moose! Arms lock with hooves in a test of strength and willpower!

He wins this pointless contest! It's a triumph over nature. The moose seethes over the loss and saunters away.

Hermit's strength increases!

Hermit's strength revealed as almost :keke: (5)
Hermit's morale inreases to :keke: (6)

---------------------------------

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DOC: :magical:

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EASON: :staredog:

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EBONY: Holy WOG! :stare:

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HERMIT: Hehee! It ain't a bear, but it'll do. Got me feelin' good today, youngin's!

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DOC: Revision- make it not mechanical arm, but mechanical moose.

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EBONY: Dude, you're crazy, gramps.

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HERMIT: That ain't nuthin', mah gramps could wrestle two bears and a buck at the same time!

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EASON: *Rolls on ground*


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---------------------------------
CAR BREAKDOWN

The car has broken down from use and abuse. It won't start up again.

1. Abandon the car
2. Doc attempts to fix it
3. Hermit punches the car

---------------------------------

* Tunes: Frankenstein Goes to Jamaica *


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EBONY: Oh for-

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EBONY: There goes my good mood.

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DOC: Tch, I'll fix it. Just give me a minute.

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---------------------------------
RESULT

Doc pops the hood of the car. She wastes a day trying to repair the car, but it refuses to start.

CAR ABANDONED!

The group eats a decent meal.

Lose 7 food.

---------------------------------

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DOC: B-but... how?! My mastery of the mechanical arts... has failed me?

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EBONY: Let's just... go.

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HERMIT: Rassin'frassin' hunk'a junk! *kicks it*

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EASON: *Urinates on tire furiously*


We have been officially kicked by bad RNG. The car breakdown event isn't guaranteeed if your mechanical is equal to the car's repair level, as in this case, it was.

The Hybrid starts with a repair level of 5, and every car's repair level increases by one every time you have to repair it.

Well, heck. Time to car hop one last time.

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---------------------------------
Merciless Bandits

Without a car, the group is easy prey for bandits. A group ambushes you and demands your supplies.

All food and gas, plus half of your ammo and medical supplies.

1. Give into their demands (we ain't doin' this)
2. Refuse and fight!
3. Hermit says 'Cool It' as last words


---------------------------------

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EBONY: You've got to be kidding me.


There's only two choices here, and one of them is highly inadvisable. Potentially useful, but highly inadvisable.

I think the answer's kind of a given, but what do we do, thread?

Hermit's a rare case in that he wouldn't die from this, but there remains the possibility he'd be killed by a random walking event just after.

User avatar
UPDATE 14: The Actual Last Road

(Given that my power was out half the day and I haven't been sleeping well in general recently, this update is somewhat later that usual. Apologies for that.)

The thread has decided we fight!

It's the most reasonable option we were given.

* Tunes: Frankenstein Goes to Jamaica *

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*crunching noise*

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---------------------------------
RESULT

The group knows that every single one of their supplies are essential for their chances of reaching Canada. So they fight.

Ebony is HURT!
Hermit is HURT!
Doc is HURT!
Eason is HURT!

---------------------------------

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HERMIT: YEAH! RUN WITH YER TAIL BETWEEN YER LEGS, COWARDS! :argh:

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HERMIT: Hehee! We sure showed 'em!

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EASON: BARK!

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DOC: Ngh... they weren't without sufficient retaliation.

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EBONY: This reminds me that we've been terribly lucky regarding bandits, all things considered.

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---------------------------------
Free Boot

The group spots an old boot on the road. It doesn't look like it's anyone's size, but hey, it's free!

This is surely a symbol of good luck.

1. Get that boot
2. Ignore boot

---------------------------------

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EBONY: Free loot, I guess.

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DOC: Give me some time and I'll weaponize it!

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DOC: Behold! The THROWINGBOOT!

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EBONY: ...But you didn't do any-

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DOC: Question not my knowledge!

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EASON: *Chews on boot*

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DOC: See, the small furry creature appreciates my work.

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HERMIT: 'Ey! You youngin's quit yer gabbin' an look!

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---------------------------------
Good Place to Rest

The group finds a rest stop after hours of walking along the road. Right in front of it is a car that looks like it can be driven. The keys must be somewhere near.

Your zombie forecast is:
SWARM SIZE: Thick
AGGRESSION: Calm
CURRENT TIME: Near Nightfall

1. Check out that car!

---------------------------------

* Tunes: Stop and Smell The Flesh *

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DOC: There, this ought to put us in top form.

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HERMIT: Good on ya, sawbones.

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EASON: BARK! *Pants*

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EBONY: I thought you didn't do medical work?

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DOC: Doesn't take a genius like myself to apply healing spray.

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EBONY: Cop car! Woggers!

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DOC: I estimate it will make us reach Canada in a short timeframe.

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HERMIT: There ain't many zambies around- lessa find these keys an' haul tail!

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HERMIT: Balumpin' Balooza! This is where they're all hidin' at!

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HERMIT: :black101:

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EBONY: I see the keys!

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---------------------------------
Car Keys

This is a set of keys, including some car keys.

Eason picks it up.

---------------------------------

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HERMIT: Good dogie! Now let's scram! I'm tired of walkin'!

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DOC: To-do...make mechanical dog?

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EBONY: Whoa! When'd it get so late?

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DOC: Time flies when you're making undead re-dead.

and it's not because i wandered around a bunch looking for the keys because i lost track of them in the gore

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EASON: *growling*

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DOC: Egads!

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EBONY: Holy WonkaS extreme! Where'd this horde come from?!

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HERMIT: Whatcha waitin' on boy?! GIVE 'ER!

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EBONY: ON IT!


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---------------------------------
MISSION SUMMARY

Found 7 food, total now 23
Found 73 gas, total now 136
Pistol ammo now 187
Rifle ammo now 149
Shotgun ammo now 38

68 zombies destroyed.

---------------------------------

The real vision of what midnight will do. Every other zombie on this map in a giant horde closing in on the car rather fast.

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* Tunes: Green on Green *

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---------------------------------
Magazines: Popular after the Apocalypse

The group tries to loot a grocery store, but it has been picked absolutely clean. Doc finds a magazine rack and decides to grab one to read.

Pick a magazine:

1. American G*U*N*S
2. Turnkey & Good2Go
3. -cat videos pictures-
4. GIANT FARTS MONTHLY

---------------------------------

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---------------------------------
American G*U*N*S

The magazine is full of gun pictures, gun info, gun tips, and bizarre hyper-patriotic rants. Doc absorbs all of these things.

Doc's composure decreases!
Doc's shooting increases to :( (2)

---------------------------------

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DOC: I am inspired.

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EBONY: Okay, neat.

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DOC: I will refine my application of Death Ray technology for the Prime Minister.

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EBONY: Um... okay. We're ready to go.

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DOC: FOR CANADA! :canada:

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---------------------------------
Always Be Looting

While driving on the Death Road, the group decides to make a stop for supplies:

1. Dark Mansion
2. Factory Rescue
3. Drive Around More - 34 gas

---------------------------------

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EBONY: Oh, wow... that place is just like Inhabitant Ire!.

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DOC: Science compels me to investigate the shadow that surrounds it!

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HERMIT: ...Looks like m'grandma's house!

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EASON: *Whine*

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---------------------------------
Dark Mansion

The group runs into an enormous mansion. There can be a lot of loot in here, and a lot of zombiefied looters wandering around in the dark.

WARNING: FLASHLIGHT RECOMMENDED!

Your zombie forecast is:
SWARM SIZE: Very Thick
AGGRESSION: Sluggish
CURRENT TIME: TIME TO BUY A NEW WATCH

---------------------------------

I usually dislike factories to begin with, being annoyingly cramped and often having kinda eh loot no matter what, but mansions on the other hand...

* Tunes: Four Under The Floor *

:getin:

As long as your team can fight decently, this place isn't much of an issue. The gimmick with this map is that it's permanently set to full darkness, which means the zombie spawnrate is high and it's very hard to see. However, as the aggression level is pre-set to sluggish the manor on the whole is rather easy to bash your way through.

The music track also just slaps.

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S*A*P*H TEAM LOG
- - - - - - - - -

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EBONY: Wow, what a mansion!

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HERMIT: Darker than a rainy day with a new moon in here!

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DOC: Hey, don't split up!

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EBONY: Wait! Doc!

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DOC: Huh?

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EBONY: Take this.

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DOC: ...What is it?

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EBONY: A flashlight. It's really effective when held, but not against living things.

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EBONY: Wear it in the pocket to have light at all times!

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HERMIT: Boy, has somethin' got into yer head?

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EBONY: It's a large marble statue. It doesn't look like it can be pushed.

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DOC: We'll have to come back later.

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EASON: *Cocks head in confusion*

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EBONY: Gramps! Look out! A monster!

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HERMIT: Whuzzat?!

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EBONY: Oh, I think it's dead.

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HERMIT:

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EBONY: We searched the end table. Zombo Point obtained.

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EBONY: Eaaaason!

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EASON: BARK!

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EBONY: ...Oh, you're right there.

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DOC: Fascinating! Very fascinating...

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EBONY: What IS this place?

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EASON: *Sneezes on haunted dust*

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EBONY: No! They're everywhere!

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HERMIT: Fight through! No mercy!

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EBONY: Will they escape? Find out in Inhabitant Ire, Chapter 2!



Despite this place taking up more recording time than last update, that's about all I can really show about this place. It's very hard to convey where our team is at with screenshots as there's barely any visible screen space, and these places are gigantic mazes.

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It's not a matter of fighting through the zombies, it's a matter of finding your way out. I haven't yet mentioned that rooms in Death Road are non-Euclidean; you will absolutely be able to walk in a spiral and cross into a room that should intersect a previous one. For this reason, I usually check rooms in a clockwise manner to try and not get lost.

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So why would you want to brave these mazes? Dark and Haunted Mansions always have a loot room with a guaranteed decently high-tier item inside. In this case we got... haunted kitchenware.

This is a new item I think, because I've never seen these. In my use with them throughout the mission, they're good, unbreakable throwing weapons that fly back to you, but I don't have the equipment space to really make use of them all.

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Unfortunately the haunted fork I gave to Doc was in the air when we left, and thus didn't get brought with us.

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EBONY: :doh:

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DOC: :negative:

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HERMIT: :shrug:

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---------------------------------
MISSION SUMMARY

Found 24 food, new total is now 47
Found 2 medical, new total is now 16
Pistol ammo total - 142
Rifle ammo total - 170
Shotgun ammo total - 48

:black101: 269 ZOMBIES DESTROYED :black101:

---------------------------------

* Tunes: Zombonita Beach *

Also Ebony picked up a sledgehammer on his own.

So yeah, we at least didn't leave empty-handed.

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---------------------------------
Recruitment of the Fittest

The group finds a new person, Jeanin.

She is alone, and wants to join the team!

Jeanin claims to be physically fit. She reveals that she was a track star in college.

---------------------------------
Some person asks to join here, the only thing that's interesting about this one is that it's a random character claiming to have a certain stat. It's something you'll see a lot of, though they may be lying about that.

A character with the Paranoid subtype of personality stats could tell us if they were, but regardless we're not taking this person.

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---------------------------------
Barricading Before Bed

At the end of the day, the group hides in a drafty old house. Some zombies roam around outside, and the doors of the house are barely on their hinges.

Should someone barricade the house?


1-3: Someone barricades
4. Stay on watch all night

---------------------------------

We don't want to be Tired, and Doc is a master of mechanical, so we've got this covered.

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---------------------------------
RESULT

Doc
barricades the flimsy house.

She quickly reinforces problem spots. They now seem very secure!

The group eats a decent meal. Lose 7 food.

---------------------------------

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HERMIT: Fine work, sawbones!

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DOC: I can make Death Rays and teleporters, fixing up a house is child's play by comparison.

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DOC: ...You know, now that I think about it, I could have just made a teleporter to Canada.

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EBONY: That's an F.

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DOC: Would've taken me too long to get the materials anyways.


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---------------------------------
GameBronus Entertainment System

The group finds an old GameBronus [TM]. It's a handheld videogame system that survived this long because it's built like a brick. There were a few games with it, all known for their extremely frustrating difficulty:

1. Leave GameBronus Behind
2. Dr. Drobnus Deluxe
3. Drobnus Kart
4. Drobnus Squadron


---------------------------------

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EBONY: Wog. Chaaaamp. A video game! Finally!

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DOC: Zounds! I can feel the malice programmed into this from a distance! I will need to study this for my next robit iteration.

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EBONY: Tch, I was well known for my skill at Dim Spirits, this won't be that bad.

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EBONY: Hand it here, I'll show you a real Wog moment.

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HERMIT: You youngin's and your bloopboxes... back in my day *grumble* :argh:

---------------------------------
RESULT

Dr. Drobnus Deluxe is an overly detailed surgery sim, rendered in 8 bit graphics. Most players lose by failing proper sterile surgical gloves procedure.

Ebony's medical increases to almost :cry: (1)

This game is way too difficult! AAAAAAAAAARGH!
Ebony throws the GameBronus hard, destroying it.

Ebony's morale decreases to :) (4)

---------------------------------

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EBONY: :argh:

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HERMIT: Is that the kinda performances you used to do, kid?

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EBONY: Oh, er... no. Usually they were, uh...

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EBONY: Man, I'm glad that wasn't on stream.

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EASON: *Sniffs broken pieces* YIPE!

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DOC: Ooh! The malice is still intact then. These will make a great Giant Death Mech later.

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EBONY: You're kidding, right?

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DOC: Pshaw, I never joke about SCIENCE :science:

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EBONY: I'd quip WonkaS, but somehow this doesn't feel as surprising given the whole Death Ray thing.

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---------------------------------
Last Shop Before Canada

An enormous army of undead shambles around the carnage that surrounds the border to Canada. Many tried to get through. Most only succeed in having their bodies added to the horde.

Maybe your team will be different...

This is the last chance to trade! Good luck! You have 40 food left.

1. Visit Trader Camp
2. Ignore Traders, for some reason


---------------------------------

I'm not gonna write anything special for this, I'm going to show off the options we've got available instead. This'll be the last votes for this run, and it's mostly a pick of our final loadout.

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We've got a Gas to Snacks Conversion and a Weapons Barterer out front.

We've still got a use for our car at this point, but technically, it's no longer necessary, and thus any excess gas really isn't needed. I'll be able to net a little extra food from this.

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There happens to be a Medicine Salesman, but for our run, they're horribly redundant. We've healed with meds twice in this entire run. Ever since Saph died, we've had plenty of meds and healing spray.

This guy is useless for us.

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There's usually two recruits here as well, and we've got a dog and a guy with as much strength as Hermit. These are here in the case that you're direly undermanned.

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The Mobile Gun Show is also here, and Hermit's shooting is high enough to get us access to the good stuff.

Flamethrower - 35 Food
Auto-Shotgun - 25 Food
Assault Rifle - 20 Food
Uzi - 12 Food

Is what we can grab from this guy.

The Uzi will be a much better use of our pistol bullets, and the Assault Rifle is godlike in the damage it can deal. Flamethrowers are brutal, but take time to kill zombies, and we've already got a Double Barrel Shotgun and not much ammo for it, so the Auto is whatever.

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This guy sells pipebombs. Thanks to something special, we're gonna get a load of them for free, so I'm not gonna bother listing the prices.

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We can also train medical, but that's entirely unnecessary for our team.

So, really, the only thing of interest is the heavy ordinance.

Thanks to a mechanic coming up, it could benefit us to save a total of 11 food, but it's not necessary. The options are thus:


1. Buy just an Assault Rifle and move on, leaving us with 15 food
2. Buy Assault Rifle and Uzi, putting us at just 8 food
3. Buy AR and Uzi, but sell stuff to hit 11 food.


What shall we do, thread?

User avatar
UPDATE 15: A REAL CAN-DO ATTITUDE

* Tunes: Green on Green *

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EBONY: Hard to believe we're here, in a way.

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HERMIT: Yeh, but it ain't over yet. We still gotta fight our way to the border.

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DOC: I estimate our provisions are unnecessary beyond this point, we should buy some stuff.

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EASON: BARK!

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DOC: Big guns would be nice.

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EBONY: But where to go...


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---------------------------------
Mobile Gun Show

The group finds a man selling a bunch of firearms. He's holding a minigun that has a scope, a laser sight, and a flashlight attached to it.

However, his selection seems like pretty common stuff. You have 40 Food left.

1. Leave for now
2. Hermit demands to see the good stuff
3. Shotgun for 5 food
4. Cowboy Rifle for 5 food

---------------------------------

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GUN DEALER: Pistols, Rifles, Shotties? You want it? It's yours my friend-

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HERMIT: Eh, boy, you tellin' me with a gun like that, all you've got is small fry stuff?

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GUN DEALER: Maybe I do, maybe I don't. If you can shoot these cans in under-

*Shotgun blasts*

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HERMIT: :smug:

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GUN DEALER: Well alright then. :hmmyes:


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---------------------------------
Choose UR Fate

The trader decides to show the group THE GOOD STUFF. You have 40 food left.

1. Leave
2. Flamethrower for 35 food
3. Auto-Shotgun for 25 food
4. Assault Rifle for 20 food

---------------------------------

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EBONY: Major WOG. This is the top tier stuff here!

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HERMIT: Hehee! Now this'll put holes in them zambies...

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GUN DEALER: So, what'll you have, strangers?

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HERMIT: Gimme the 47 and that SMG.

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GUN DEALER: I hate to see good guns get wasted by those who can't aim, so for a crackshot like yourself...

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GUN DEALER: I'll make it 30 food.

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EBONY: Make it 32 and throw in some ammo for us?

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GUN DEALER: Deal.

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---------------------------------
RESULT

The group buys an assault rifle. Whoever uses this needs a lot of shooting skill to handle it right!

LOSE 20 food.

The trader falls for Ebony's charm and gives extra!

Get 25 rifle ammo!

---------------------------------

The AR deals out bullets very fast, with a high damage, penetration chance, and rate of fire. While it shares a tie for lowest damage per bullet in the rifle class (the other being the minigun), I find the 50% penetration rate gets me a lot more bang per buck.

Or is it bang per burger?

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---------------------------------
RESULT

The group buys an uzi. Great for spraying bullets EVERYWHERE. Even someone with great guns will have problems handling this.

---------------------------------

As the description says, the Uzi sprays bullets uncontrollably at a very high rate of fire. It does slightly more damage than the pistol, but the big thing is simply that it holds a giant clip of 160 ammo. Good for keeping hordes down in size, but not as good as reducing that size personally.


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GUN DEALER: Hey, just so you know, I've got a contact in Canada who'll buy these back once you get there. Ask for Jeremy at the Jim Jorton's in Toronto. :ninja:

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EBONY: Thanks for the tip, we'll think about it.

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---------------------------------
Strength Trainer

It's an old but fit man in matching gray sweatpants and sweatshirt. He screams something about BUILDING MASS AND BULK with an INTENSE STRENGTH ROUTINE!

He flails towards some heavy objects lying around.

1. Leave for now
2. Give 6 food for training
3. Ebony uses charm
4. HERMIT: SAY IT DON'T SPRAY IT!!!

---------------------------------

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BULKMASTER: GET SWOLE, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!

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EBONY: Hey, uh...

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BULKMASTER: YES! YOU SEEK THE ART OF SWOLE?!

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EBONY: Y'see, um, my gramps is really strong, and I'd like to be like him.

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HERMIT: *Lifting ULTIMATE LOG in the background*

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DOC: *Taking notes furiously*

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EBONY: Can you, um... help? :shobon:

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BULKMASTER: ... *sniffle*

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BULKMASTER: YOUR REQUEST BRINGS A MOST MANLY TEAR TO MY EYE...

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BULKMASTER: IT WOULD BE AN HONOR TO TRAIN SUCH A GOOD GRANDSON LIKE YOU.


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---------------------------------
RESULT

Ebony gets FREE strength training! He already clearly feels a 'pump', as the bodybuilders used to say before they were all wiped out.

Ebony's strength increases to :) (4)

---------------------------------

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BULKMASTER: NOW GO, AND MAKE YOUR OLD MAN PROUD!

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EBONY: Yes, sir!

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EBONY: (Phew, now I better catch up with him before he decides to rob someone...)


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---------------------------------
Blade Master

The group meets a man who is carrying many swords. They clank around as he moves.

One day I'll make the finest zombie slicing sword ever seen! I just have to figure out how to make swords first. I'll sell you some I found!

1. Leave him
2. Hermit robs the trader
3. Hermit tells him to COOL IT!!!
4. Cheap Katana for 5 food.

---------------------------------

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BLADES: Katanas! Broadswords! Zweihanders!

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HERMIT: 'Ey, stop dancin' around with those before you hurt someone! :argh:

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BLADES: Combat knives and nodachis!

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HERMIT: BOY! :argh:

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HERMIT: COOOOOOOOL IIIIIIIIT!!!

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Cheevo got: COOLING IT: "I can't believe that worked."

---------------------------------
RESULT

Hermit
tells the Blade Master to COOL IT.

He becomes filled with self-doubt.

My life is a lie! I'm going to give up this sword stuff and start collecting flamethrowers.

The former Blade Master gives Hermit one of his best weapons, a Knight's Sword.

---------------------------------

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HERMIT: I just wanted ya to stop before ya hurt somebody with all that flailin'.

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BLADES: No flails, just flamethrowers! I'm off to my new future!

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DOC: Fascinating... fascinating indeed. I must inspect this rare energy!

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HERMIT: Just don't understand kids these days.... :sigh:

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EBONY: Hey, gramps, mind if I have that sword?

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HERMIT: Eh? Yeh, sure.


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And that's what Cool It and Say It Don't Spray it prompts are for. To put the mechanics briefly, each time you take those options, you build up an invisible COOL IT stat. When it reaches 5, the next "cool it"-type option becomes supercharged and gives you a big bonus.

The original plan was to get 20 free pipebombs from the Pipebomb Merchant, but due to something I'll cover later, he's not here and we only had this guy instead.

One of the two guaranteed changes to gear is that Ebony sells his sledgehammer, and swaps it out for the Knight Sword. It's just kinda better all around in regards to offense, even if it is heavier on stamina.

The other is that Hermit gets the AR. With max shooting, he'll be very good at keeping the hordes of zombies down with it.

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HERMIT: I wonder how bad they have it on the west coast?

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EBONY: No idea. I'd say the Oregon Trail sounds safer than the Death Road, but I know better than that.

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HERMIT: Whatcha mean?

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DOC: It's scientifically proven that any trip to Oregon is deadlier than common sense would make it seem.

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EASON: BARK! BARK! BARK!

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EASON: GRRrrrrRRR!

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EBONY: What's wrong-

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---------------------------------
Close to the Border

Giant armies of undead perpetually lurch around the Canadian border, unable to cross. The group gets caught up in a lesser swarm before they can find a safe camp.

SIEGE ALERT! THERE'S NO ESCAPE!
HORDE SIZE: Overwhelming!
CURRENT TIME: Afternoon
SIEGE LENGTH: 1.5 HOURS

1. Seek shelter in Cabin


---------------------------------

* Tunes: How Unfortunate *


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EBONY: Oh. That's what's wrong.


What, you thought we could just drive up on the border? Ha!

You thought getting a rest before it was going to be free? Double ha!

The finale of the game is a gauntlet of two sieges and a map that might as well be a siege, and attrition is the name of the game here.

Well, that and it's called Death Road to Canada for a reason.

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Ebony gets the normal shotgun for now, I'll save the DB for later. I shouldn't need it too much here, but them's the works.

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Doc gets a bonesaw despite not being that kind of doctor. The Medic (from Group Fortress 2) would be so jealous right now. She needs something to hit zombies with other than her gun once it's out of power.

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THE MEDIC: Sveinhund!


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Hermit takes one of the Blue Robits with him. It'll help us preserve some ammo here.

I'll be honest, I'm not going to touch those two molotovs in my inventory if I don't have to. Something I learned on a separate run on here is that the AI is incredibly bad with fire in singleplayer.

With that, LET'S BOOGIE.

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* Tunes: Rotten Shotgun *

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I immediately throw the robot, killing a zombie with it and spawning our new, but temporary buddy.

He'll last for about 2-3 hours or so, which is much longer than this siege runs for.

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On one hand, getting a cabin siege here is atrocious thanks to how little room you have to move, making this place is pretty lethal on higher difficulties.

It does however promise good loot on the inside. It's just not guaranteed to be much larger inside the cabin, so I'll hold out on the outside as long as I can.

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HERMIT: Keep fightin'!

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DOC: I... *huff*... am not well suited for... fieldwork!

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EBONY: Chew on lead, undead scum! :black101:

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HERMIT: Atta'boy! When'd you learn to shoot so good?

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EBONY: Been watchin' you, gramps!

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HERMIT: Hehee! Yer, learnin'!

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EBONY: Watch yourselves, we got more digging up behind us!


For the majority of the fight, the spawns were from the lower right corner of the screen allowing me to keep them down really well, but these surprise reinforcments from behind weakened that position heavily.

That's the point of them really, to slow down your momentum on mowing down hordes. The only trick there really is to them is that they at least come out of the ground technically prone, so they are re-killed very fast.

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HERMIT: Phew... that's tha last of 'em, youngin's.

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EASON: BARK! *chews on a femur*

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EBONY: Time to check the house?

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DOC: No reason to not!

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EBONY: Chainsaw here!

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HERMIT: Hand it to me, boy. I always liked axes more, but I reckon' it'll cut a zombie just as well as a tree!

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---------------------------------
MISSION SUMMARY

Found 7 food, total now 16.
Found 53 gas, total now 111.
Found 2 medical, total now 18.

Total rifle ammo: 210
Total shotgun ammo: 41

110 zombies destroyed.

---------------------------------

* Tunes: Stop and Smell The Flesh *

Felt like a lot more zombies than that, but that's mostly due to how cramped that place was. Chainsaw's a good find, as even if it's not the best weapon in it's class, it still does it's job.

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---------------------------------
Glimmer of Hope on the Death Road

The group feels inspired after managing to survive that situation!

They feel like they are getting the hang of this...

Choose a reward for the group:

1. Morale and random skill gain
2. Mechanical
3. Fitness
4. Eason- +2 Shooting

---------------------------------

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EBONY: I think we've gotten pretty darned good at this. That went by really smoothly!

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HERMIT: Hahaw, you ain't wrong, boy. Wrestlin' that moose was harder than that!

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EASON: AWOOOOO!

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DOC: Did you have to do that right in my ear?


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---------------------------------
RESULT

Running from zombies all day is a great form of exercise.

Ebony's fitness increases to :geno: (3)
Hermit's fitness increases to almost :keke: (5)
Doc's fitness increases to almost :cry: (1)
Eason's fitness increases, for what it's worth.

3 ZOMBO POINTS EARNED! ZOMBO POINTS: 9/10

---------------------------------

Don't worry about the zombo points, I'll go and spend 'em on something off-screen.

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Last Rest Before Canada

The group prepares for the brutal day ahead of them. Canada is close, but the zombie forecast is bad!

The group eats a decent meal.
Lose 7 food.

There's food left for the group to eat a second meal!
Lose 7 food.

Ebony can't wait!
Ebony's dexterity increases!

Hermit can't wait!
Hermit's dexterity increases!

Doc feels good about the odds!
Doc's dexterity increases!

Eason doesn't think there's THAT many zombies.
Eason's dexterity increases!

---------------------------------

And such, the last use for food! When at this stop, your characters will eat up to a second full meal and gain +2 morale.

Any character with 5 or more morale gets a dexterity increase, boosting your movement speed and ability to pull away from zombies. So in this case, we didn't even need the extra food as everyone was already on max morale.

It's easy to underestimate how useful this bonus is. If you get a run this far and don't get the bonus... trust me, you'll feel it then.


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EBONY: Looks like there's only one way ahead!

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HERMIT: What are we waitin' on?

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EASON: BARK! *wags tail*

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DOC: These zombies will rue the day they crossed me and my Death Ray! :science:

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---------------------------------
City of Crushed Hopes

Nearly at the border to Canada, the group is surrounded by seemingly endless undead. To survive, they must face one last siege. This is the final siege, but not the last battle!

SIEGE ALERT! THERE'S NO ESCAPE!
HORDE SIZE: Overwhelming!
CURRENT TIME: Noon
SIEGE LENGTH: 4 HOURS

ALL OR NOTHING!

---------------------------------

* Tunes: How Unfortunate *

Yeah, you're reading that right: 4 whole in-game hours. The City of Crushed Hopes is the second of our barriers to Canada, and the one responsible for ending many, many, MANY runs. It's a battle of pure attrition unlike any other in the game.

Oh, and rest assured, zombies spawn at effectively nighttime rates and are riled up to nighttime aggression very fast.

On higher difficulties, it's possible to be killed here with almost no escape just because the layout of the map generated against your favor.

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Ebony gets the other robot, Hermit gets the chainsaw, and Eason brings in a grenade. I meant to bring the DB in, but I made a split second decision to leave it.

I meant to bring the SMG as well, but I didn't really have viable space. I make do without it, though, and I'll just save it up for the next map.

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* Tunes: Frankenstein Goes to Jamaica *

Yep, it plays this the entire time, though the song really does pick up later in. This map actually has a special made for it track, but that only plays when you get here on the very high difficulties, and I'm not spoiling it because it hits HARD after all that effort.

* Tunes: They Can't Be Stopped *

But given this place is like being out at night on high difficulty this track works just as well if you want something tense.

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The map always takes roughly the form of of a city section with two roads and a connecting road between them. There's a number of houses, but a number of them will be blocked off by trash.

Also, various weapons and ammo line the streets, courtesy of those who came before us.

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Each house is a tiny single room with a specific set of loot spawns. This room's got propane tanks. Useful, as they start to explode when damaged, but also very dangerous as their movemen once set off is very random.

I opt to not touch these. I'm already having to micromanage the AI to a great degree here.

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HERMIT: Remember, boy, preserve yer ammo!

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EBONY: Planning on it! Just need to thin these crowds out for us first!


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DOC: Got a revolver over here!

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HERMIT: No time to grab it, keep fightin'!

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Luckily for us, the northern half of the map has been very slow about approaching us so far...

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But that's not lasting forever. As they start rounding around the alleyway to our right, I opt to circle north to survey the area up here.

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EBONY: Ammo! Lots of it!

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DOC: Acquiring what I can!


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As we thin the numbers of the horde down by a lot, I head to this building and wait for a second...

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EBONY: I'll check this house!

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HERMIT: Go go go! WE GOT YER BACK!


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Inside is 3 grenades, upping our count to 4. That's a LOT of field clear.

The waiting outside bit was to wait out the next reinforcement from underneath us, as it shares it's timer with the reinforcement of zombies falling down in indoors areas. You do NOT want to be trapped in one of these little rooms when that happens.

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EBONY: AND THERE GOES THE PITCH~!

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HERMIT: :unsmith:

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EASON: *Wags tail*

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The one thing the AI is good about doing is fleeing from grenades. I don't have any issues with them in singleplayer when it comes to these and pipebombs.

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HERMIT: EAT FULL AUTO, YOU ROTTERS!


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EBONY: M-my hatchet!

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DOC: Huh?

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EBONY: That's my hatchet! Where'd you get that?

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DOC: It was on the ground.

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EBONY: Peculiar, but no time to wonder about it!


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HERMIT: TIMBERRRRR! :black101:


The chainsaw works by effectively rapidly attacking anything it touches, guzzling a bit of gas in the process. The higher level chainsaws are better at mowing down hordes, but the main thing about the chainsaw is that it only takes stamina to rev it up and it inflicts hitstun on zombies.

I theorize that if you wiggle it a bit in front of you as you charge forward, it's possible to slip right through a horde with it, though you've gotta be fast as the hitstun doesn't last forever. It's also incredibly dangerous and not of much use to your teammates.

Just a theory though, don't blame me if your run goes under from trying to do it.

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EBONY: They don't stop coming!

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HERMIT: *wheeze* Haaw...

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DOC: Energy reserves at low...!

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EASON: *Panting*


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EBONY: I'll buy us some breathing room-

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EBONY: HERE'S THE PITCH!

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HERMIT: YeeeeeeeHAW!


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And just like that, the horde's already piling up again.

They Can't Be Stopped, truly.

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HERMIT: Hold out in this alley!

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EBONY: Got it!

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DOC: They're splitting up and coming from both sides!

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EBONY: Then they'll just have to eat more grenades!


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These alleyways can be a great place to hold out as only so many zombies can fit inside, and a lot of them will be slowed down trying to reach your through the wall on the other side of the building.

Our map is lucky in that we at least have an alleyway open on both sides. I've had maps where there were none, and it is practically a death sentence.

Ideally, the edges of the map are open and you can loop around those for maximum kiting.

I have Hermit clear out some more with the chainsaw as it gets closer to the escape timer. I've had to do the most amount of control jumping so far on this map.

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I pop into this building for all of 3 frames and bail as soon as I see it's only meds.

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Doc's long been out of Mazer ammo, though I've been doing my best to force her to spare it by locking her to using a melee weapon. I'll explain it in more detail later,

I only bring it up because she ended up picking up the revolver and leaving the hatchet behind, again.

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EBONY: It's over! Let's goooo!

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HERMIT: Ya-HOOOOO!

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DOC: Excelsior!

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EASON: BARK! BARK! BARK!


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Before I leave, I do duck into the building next to where I found the grenades and find some pipebombs in here. They'll be very useful, so I nab them and bail, the remaining horde just on my heels.

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---------------------------------
MISSION SUMMARY

65 gas total
239 pistol ammo total (because I forgot to bring the SMG and there was a lot on the map)
135 rifle ammo total
15 shotgun ammo total

:black101: *359* ZOMBIES DESTROYED :black101:

---------------------------------

But the action's not over yet...!

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---------------------------------
The End of the Death Road

The border to Canada is just north of here! The group must cross the bridge and then reach the fort that serves as a checkpoint right outside of Canada. This is the final challenge!

Good luck!

Your zombie forecast is:
SWARM SIZE: Sardine Packed
AGGRESSION: Mega-Cheesed
CURRENT TIME: Near Noon

YOU CAN MAKE IT!

---------------------------------

* Tunes: How Unfortunate *

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I do my last bit of equipment re-organizing here. You may notice that in the trunk still lies Saph's re-bar, Max's tire iron, and the Debutante's purse...

Ebony's final gear is the Knight Sword, Hermit's normal Shotgun (15 shells), and the SMG (160 shots).

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Hermit's final gear is the Assault Rifle, the Chainsaw (50 gas), and "Angeline" the fire axe.

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Doc's packing her usual Mazer and Teleporter alongside 4 pipebombs.



And Eason's a dog, so he's not really carrying anything.

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HERMIT: Hey, son, what's with the metal bar?

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EBONY: Same reason you've got that purse and tire iron in your bag.

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HERMIT: ...You're alright, kid. :shobon:

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EASON: *Wags tail*

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DOC: Alright, it's done! Was a surprisingly simple addition.

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EBONY: Well, car, there's no way we're taking you across that bridge. Time to take one last drive.

* Tunes: Canada, Schmanada *

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EBONY: 1!

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HERMIT: 2!

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DOC: 3...!

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EASON: BARK!

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ALL: LET'S DO THIS! :black101:

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Cheevo get- RAMMING SPEED: "Crash car in final map"

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DOC: Pipebomb applied!

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EBONY: GO!

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HERMIT: Follow right behind me!

*Loads clip in*

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HERMIT: CANADA OR BUST! :argh:

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EBONY: We're almost on the other side!

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EASON: BARK!

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HERMIT: JIM-JAM-JUMPIN' JEHOOZAPHAT!

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DOC: We can't break through that!

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EBONY: Around the side! Quickly!

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HERMIT: It's a clear shot! C'mon, get yerselves movin'!

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DOC: Mounties!

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EBONY: Beavers!

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HERMIT: Moose!

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EASON: BARK!

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---------------------------------
O Canada

Welcome to almost-Canada!

Oh so like watch out eh, there's a whole buttload of zombies givin' 'er towards the gates here.

Hang tight and we'll give you a hand until the big guy gets here.

---------------------------------

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HERMIT: The big guy?

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MOUNTIE: Yeh. Now let's get at it, eh?

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EBONY: Here they come...!

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HERMIT: YAAAAAAA-HOOOOOO!

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MOUNTIE: Slapshot!

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MOUNTIE: Sorry!

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EBONY: FOR THE FALLEN!

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HERMIT: FER THE LIVIN'!

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DOC: FOR SCIENCE!

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EASON: AWOOOOOO!

TRANSLATION: (FOR THE DOGS!)

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MOUNTIE: FOR CANADA!

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MECHA-MOUNTIE: LET ME TAKE CARE OF IT, EH?

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MECHA-MOUNTIE: O CANADA~!

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MECHA-MOUNTIE: EH-ZER BEAM!

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DOC: :magical:

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HERMIT: *huff* *huff*

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EBONY: ...Is it... over?

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EASON: *confused yip*

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MOUNTIE: De washroom is just over der on de left.

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MOUNTIE: Befere ye go, are you transporting any fruits or vegetables?

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EBONY: Huh? N-no.

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MOUNTIE: Here, wipe that gunk off with this serviette.

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DOC: Oh, uh... thank you... *swoon*

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MOUNTIE: Welcome to Canada, eh!

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---------------------------------
Victory Over The Death Road

YOU'VE GOT A CAN-DO ATTITUDE, EH?

CONGRATS ON MAKING IT TO CANADA!


The Prime Minister himself makes the group honourary citizens of Canada. He welcomes them to the last remaining nation on Earth!

ZOMBO POINTS Maximum increased to 15!

3 ZOMBO POINTS EARNED! ZOMBO POINTS 5/15


Onward to Canada!
---------------------------------

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HERMIT: The head honcho, are ya?

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PRIME MINISTER: Yep! Nice ta meet you.

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EBONY: Phew... I'm more tired than I've ever been in my life, but it's the most alive I've ever felt!

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PRIME MINISTER: You could say it was pretty Woggers, eh?

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EBONY: Ahaha, yeah! Maximum Wog!

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DOC: Alright! I'm here! I was, er, inspecting this Eh-zer technology! Yeah, that!

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EASON: BARK!

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PRIME MINISTER: Well, if that's all of you...

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PRIME MINISTER: GIVE 'ER!

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* Tunes: Nobody Cooled It *

Death Road Normal Mode completed!

ImageCheevo get- GRIZZLED HERMIT: "Beat game with Hermit!"

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Total Zombie Kills: 2247

DEATH ROAD TO CANADA

A game by Rocketcat Games & Madgarden

ImageCheevo get- SCIENTIFIC: "Beat game with scientist!"

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Cheevo get- NO JERK LEFT BEHIND: "Won with a full team!"


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EBONY: Sooooo... this is Canada, eh?

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Cheevo get- FIRST TRIP TO CANADA: "Won Normal Mode!"

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HERMIT: Yup.

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EBONY: It's a bit... brisk.

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HERMIT: Ya think?

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HERMIT: Hey look! Penguins!!

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MOUNTIE: Wait what

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HERMIT: What?

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MOUNTIE: There are no penguins in Canada...

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HERMIT: But... ice, snow... PENGUINS! :keke:

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MOUNTIE: :sigh:

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HERMIT: More penguins!

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MOUNTIE: :sigh:

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HERMIT: Them things sure move funny!

...BUT... WHAT BECAME OF THEM IN CANADA?

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HERMIT: Feh! I can't believe I was convinced to leave my cabin.

Hermit became a hermit in Canada. Instead of being a hermit in America.

...But he would eventually grow restless, now missing something in his life. He would briefly spend some time teaching the youth of Canada on how to properly use axes, before vanishing one day, leaving behind only a purse.

His last words were he had forgotten something and would be back soon.

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DOC: Knowledge triumphs again! I rule.

Doc set up a very nice secret lab in Canada, then made an army of mutant beavers.

Said Mutant beavers could shoot Eh-zer beams from their eyes and called zombies nerds on a regular basis.

She would occasionally return to the Almost-Canada border, presumably to distribute Eh-zer beam technology.

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EASON: WOOF!

Eason spent the rest of his life barking incessantly at the new wildlife.

The stories he told to dog-kind rendered him legend amongst the canine, and he remained an inspiration to puppies everywhere.

Yet, he always remained adventurous, roaming the whole of Canada instead of settling down. Humans would never discover the immense wisdom inside the "dog log".

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Ebony wrote a popular zombie survival guide that was just full of bad advice.

The conceit was that it was a guide on what NOT to do. Sometimes people took it too literally, which lead to incidents. Outside of this, Ebony would disappear from public eye, as mysterious as ever. Who was he, really?

Sometimes historians debate whether or not he truly existed, as well arguing over his similarity to certain other people listed in the records of the Death Road.

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THANK YOU FOR PLAYING!

DEATH ROAD TO CANADA


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* Tunes: Death Road to Canada Main Theme *

Well, that's that run done.

I'll cover some more specifics of what the heck and all just happened over the course of this run in the next update. It definitely won't be out on the usual schedule, I'll definitely need a break for a few days.

I also need to get caught up on my other LP.

But for where we're going from now, I've come up with a more interesting idea on what to do when it comes to our next runs.

So, for the next run we do, pick your card:

1. DEATH
2. WEIRD
3. LONER
4. DOG



And also, I thought I might open up a vote on something else. I'll be showing off ZOMBO TOWN in an update regardless of the choice here, but...

Should I do some M*A*G*I*C to go ahead and unlock all the Traits and Perks for character creation?

It takes 223 ZOMBO POINTS to unlock all of them otherwise, so uh....

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Character Creation: Choose UR Fighter, Second Edition by Barry Buybacks

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Visual options are here as always. Give me a rough idea, the full numbers if you know 'em, or just leave it up to me.

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Perk and Trait are the most important here. Perks are basically a character's background and define stats and starting items.

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Traits are more of the character's personality. They can affect stats and gear, but they often have more extra effects.


And thanks to some high level MAGICKS!!!

we now have all the Traits and Perks unlocked at at least 1st level.

(I spent all our Zombo points on upgrading Car Nut and Friend of Dog, if anyone's wondering.)

Again, there's no guarantee your character will show up, but it can always happen! It's also not as likely for this next run we'll be doing for reasons you'll be seeing, but I will be mashing select random custom for our next starting team of two.
Stats wrote: Image

Other Stats:
Vitality- Is represented by red heart near our character name. 1 heart has 3 sections for a total of 3 HP. It can also get extra blue sections up to a true max of 6.
Dexterity- Not shown in-game, but affects movement speed. Only a few perks and traits modify this.
Morale- Morale is what it sounds like. When it gets low, bad things happen for us.


Physical:
Strength- Affects melee damage, furniture damage, and how heavy of objects the character can lift.
Fitness- Increases max stamina and lowers the wind-down lag on melee attacks. Crucial for anyone getting in combat.
Shooting- Affects accuracy with guns, as well as the chance to pierce throug zombies and/or ricocheting off walls.

Support Stats:
Medical- Affects the amount of meds used when healing between maps, and the frequency at which they can heal.
Mechanical- Affects vehicle repair ability, as well as barricading.

Neither of these are necessary, but they're appreciated. The character with the highest of these will take over responsibilities for all the related actions.

Personality Stats:
Wits- How clever the character is, and how good they are at improvising.
Attitude- The character's general friendliness.
Composure- How well they keep cool under pressure, preventing meltdowns.
Loyalty- How likely they are to betray us.

Personality is interesting in that the stats form certain combos with each other. For instance, low Loyalty and Composure makes the character have the bandit subtype, in which they don't care about robbing others.
Up next is some info on the character subtypes, which while I haven't had the chance to cover in detail, is copy-pasted here from the wiki here for your convenience.
Character Subtypes/Stat Combos wrote: Angry-strong

Low Composure
High Strength


Angry-strong characters may subdue problems using intimidation and violence. The Fierce Tempered trait does not give this combo by default, but can be combined with perks such as Megabuff to get close. Alternatively, BERSERK! combined with 2 strength boost from any Perk will give angry-strong.

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Calm-shot

High Composure
High Shooting

Calm-shot characters are extremely proficient with firearms and will succeed in events where they may use their shooting ability. The Calm Under Fire trait does not give this combo by default, but can be combined with perks such as Gun Collector to get close.

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Charming

High Attitude
High Wits

Charming characters are able to use their charisma to get free items and training in trader camps, but only for themselves. Additionally, in text events, charming can be used in some situations to avoid problems such as compromising with bandits.

The 'Civilized' and 'Charming' Traits both grant this Combo.

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Grating

Low Attitude
Low Wits

Grating characters are able to tell people to 'Cool It.' They also have the option to tell people to "Say it don't, spray it," which often results in negative effects but has a small chance to incur positive effects. Grating characters can also be useful in dealing with other irritating people. 'BERSERK!' and 'Irritating' give this at the start of the game.

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Oblivious

High Attitude
Low Wits

Oblivious character are highly resistant to losing morale; they may even regain morale and a stat boost when low on morale, but at the cost of some Attitude. Characters who are oblivious get options in text events to simply ignore danger and annoyances, as if they don't exist.

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Paranoid

Low Attitude
High Wits

Paranoid characters can effectively subdue bandits and avert disasters by anticipating them. When recruiting a new survivor, Paranoid characters can determine their stats. Paranoid characters will refuse help from strangers, lest they lose morale for receiving aid.

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Sociopath

Low Composure
Low Loyalty

Bandits are given an option in text events and trader camps to steal from survivors they are interacting with. They may also have unique options in certain events.
So yeah, there's that.


With that, it's time for the list of all the Perks and Traits!
List of Perks wrote: --------------------------------
Athlete
An athletic past translates well into zombie survival.

+ Start with a random sports weapon
+ Gain 1 point in fitness
+ Gain 1 point in strength

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Big Bruiser
Moves slow, hits real hard, takes a beating!

+ Start with a better unarmed attack
+ Take one more hit than normal
- Slower walking speed
+ Gain 1 point in strength

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Bow and Arrows
Archery ended up being a useful hobby!

+ Start with a silent bow, 30 arrows, 2 points in strength!
- Cannot drop this bow, even in death.
+ Make arrows for your bow between missions, up to 4

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Car Nut
Being a car enthusiast is practically a superpower now!

+ Start with a nicer car
+ Gain 1 point in mechanical

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Ex-Wrestler
Was top dog before a tragic mishap in the ring!

+ Pick up downed zombies, then throw or slam them
+ Large penalty to maximum shooting skill
+ Gain 1 point in fitness
* Combines with Grappler!

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Explorer
Some people have a really good sense of direction when driving!

+ One extra location choice during ABL events

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Fighter
This person has always been a real fighter.

+ Start with a hatchet
+ Gain 1 point in strength
+ Gain 1 point in shooting

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Friend of Dog
This person loves dogs, and tends to run into them!

+ Angry dogs may become friendly

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Gun Collector
You knew hoarding all those guns would be useful! Eventually. You just knew it!

+ Start with a pistol and bullets
+ Gain 1 point in shooting

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Gungineer
Good with anything mechanical, and guns are mechanical.

+ Start with a crowbar
+ Gain 1 point in shooting
+ Gain 1 point in mechanical

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Health Care
Jerks get bit by zombies all the time. Better be prepared!

+ Start with 4 medical supplies
+ Gain 1 point in medical

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Hidden Potential:
Looks unassuming but can exceed others with training!

+ Gain a point in either strength or fitness at random, it can then go 1 over the maximum

(this trait's a lot better upgraded)

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Martial Artist
No weapons? No problem!

+ Start with a powerful two-hit unarmed attack
- Refuses to use firearms, chainsaws, and some others
+ Gain 1 point in fitness, 1 in strength

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Mechanic
The car is life! Note: Not necessarily a COMPETENT mechanic.

+ Start with a wrench
+ Gain 1 point in mechanical
+ Gain 1 point in fitness

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Megabuff
Possibly too swole to control. Handy for picking up and throwing heavy furniture!

+ Start with a metal pipe
+ Gain 2 points in strength

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Natural Shot
A natural at shooting! Just needs more training and maybe even a gun and ammo!

+ Gain 1 point in shooting
+ Shooting can go 1 point over the usual maximum

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Pathfinder
Hiking experience helps avoid forest terrors!

+ Removes a penalty event from the first walking day, every time you lose the car

(pretty strong when upgraded)

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Pyromaniac

Zombies are extremely flammable!

+ Start with a blowtorch, and protection against fire
- Can't drop this blowtorch, even in death
+ Recharge your blowtorch between missions, up to 4 charges

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Shield of Hope
Keeps going through sheer willpower!

+ Protects against fatal hits if morale is over 2
- Will still die to some instant-kill events
+ You lose 4 morale each time you evade death

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Surgeon
Has a good intuition of anatomy and a real steady hand.

+ Start with a scalpel
+ Gain 1 point in medical
+ Gain 1 point in shooting

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T*S*T*C (TOO SWOLE TO CONTROL)
Definitely too swole! REFUSES to do cardio!

+ Starts at full strength
+ May train strength 6 times over the maximum
- Can't raise fitness

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Top Seller
Good salesmanship still has its own niche!

+ Gets 1-8 extra food when selling to a weapons buyer
+ No morale penalty when paying bandit tolls with food

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Trademark Weapon
Stands out from the crowd, with a signature weapon!

+ Starts with a special weapon, depending on trait!
- Can not drop this weapon, even in death.
+ Default weapon is an Aluminum Bat!
* Modified by trait choice

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Ultrafit
All that yoga really paid off!

+ Start with granola bars
+ Gain 2 points in fitness
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Traits: wrote: Anime Fan
This is just like my zombie animes!

+ Weapon is replaced with an overpowered Strong Katana.
- Katana can't be dropped, even on death.
- WARNING: Avoid getting full morale! BEWARE ANIME!

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Bandit
Being untrustworthy can be an asset in the post-apocalypse.

+ Rip others off
+ Rip the group off
- Ticking time bomb

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BERSERK!
Destroy all zombies! Never retreat! Oh no, I got bit!

+ 4 points to strength, fitness, and shooting!!
+ Can go one over the maximum for the above stats!!!
- Super low personality stats! Dies in one bite!!

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Calm Under Fire
Calm and collected. Useful when firing into a horde!

+ Very calm due to high composure
+ 1 extra point in shooting

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Charming
From perception of others, a good attitude, and pure charisma, there's something about this person that opens doors!

+ Charms way into free stuff or out of bad situations
- Can't charm way out of everything

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City Seeker
Blessed with an interesting life!

+ Much greater chance of finding a weird building or character in city looting events! Normal chance: 10% | With trait: 50%
+ Doubles the chance to find Rare Trader Camps!

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Civilized
Retains old values before world went crazy. This is good and bad.

+ Super high loyalty and personality stats!
+ 1 point to medical and mechanical skills!!
- Permanent and significant morale penalty!!

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Dingus Savant
Always destined for great things! Never bothered to work for it.

+ Gets a 1 point bonus to the maximum for all skills!
- Takes 1 less hit than normal!
- 2 point penalty to max morale!

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Fast Learner
Starts low, but learns new skills fast!

+ Gets double the amount of shooting, mechanical, and medical skill!
- Each growth bonus stops after its skill gets to 4 points

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Fierce Tempered
Someone's got a bad temper! The aggression can come in handy.

+ 1 extra point in strength
- Bad temper due to low composure
+ Temper can sometimes be good

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Frantic Whiner
Kind of a fragile sort. But really good at fleeing!

+ Run speed bonus!
- Takes one less hit than normal
- Bad attitude

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Gourmand
Really appreciates old canned food!

+ Eating a full meal restores 1 point of this character's morale, up to full! Gets an extra point of max health!
- Eats a bit more, 3 food instead of 2. Running low on food decreases morale faster!

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Grappler
If a zombie falls down, you can pick it up!

+ Throw or slam carried zombies!
- Boring personality

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Hero Type
I'll always be your body guard. Well, once.

+ Saves a teammate from death in a text event!
- Only does this one time per game
+ Starts with maximum loyalty!

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Inventive
Comfortable with machinery, such as cars.

+ 2 points mechanical! Can go one over maximum for mechanical skill!!
+ Great wits checks!
- May need more practice to repair car

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Irritating
This person thinks they're soooooo cool. But they're not! They're just annoying!

+ Tell people to 'Cool it'
- Anger pretty much everybody

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Mysterious Past
This person... has a mysterious past......

+ 3 points given to fight skills at random
+ Randomized and extreme personality!

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Nurturing
Always thinking of others! Somehow not zombie food yet.

+ 2 points medical! Can go one over maximum for medical skill!!
+ Great attitude!
- May be an act

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Oblivious
A great outlook on life combined with not being very perceptive allows for some magical feats of denial!

+ May ignore despair
- Bad rolls for perception and wits

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Paranoid
A combination of high perception and extreme pessimism lets someone brace for the worst!

+ May identify traits in new recruits
+ Always on the lookout for danger
- Can be a real grumpus

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Phoenix
The Phoenix arises from the ashes! * flaps arms like they are wings *

+ Resurrects self on death to full health!!!
+ Inflammable! Stand in the flames!
- Loses the entire trait after first death!

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Practical
Has a variety of useful skills, but is kind of boring.

+ 3 points given to fight skills at random
+ 3 points given to support skills at random
- Boring personality

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Resilient Type
Really tough! The muscle! Not a long term planner.

+ Takes one more hit than normal
- Bad wits rolls

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Sound Sleeper
Sleeps anytime, anywhere. #1 best at sleeping!

+ Superhuman sleeping! Needs very little sleep.
+ Never gets the TIRED status, ever.

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Specialist
A little too fixated on one method of zombie splattering.

+ 2 points to strength, fitness, and shooting
+ Can go one over the maximum for the above stats!!
- Can only carry ONE WEAPON at a time!!

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Tiny Eater
Eats much less than normal! Takes tiny bites!

+ A full meal only requires one food!!
- Gets a 2 point penalty to maximum strength!
- Gets a 1 point penalty to maximum fitness.

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Travel Light
Carry less so you can run a little faster!

+ Run speed bonus!
+ 1 point more in fitness!
- Can only carry two weapons at a time!

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Warrior
Good start on zombie thwacking skills, with a nondescript personality.

+ 2 points more strength!
+ 2 points more fitness!
- Boring personality

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There's a lot to choose from, so go nuts.

So to recap, give me a name, male or female, and a Trait and Perk choice. If you want some kind of look for them, give me a rough idea of it and I'll see what I can do.

If you want to modify the traits and perks of your characters that you already submitted, that's fine too!

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UPDATE 16: LOOKING BACK, ON THE DEATH ROAD: RUN 1
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* Tunes: Four Under The Floor *

We made it. On the first try! Through a mix of my experience with the game and some spectacular luck, we saw at least Ebony to the end.

RIP Saph.

So, this update is gonna be me yapping about mechanics, behind the scenes stuff, and narrative things I didn't have the time to cover.

If you're just wanting the next set of crazy adventures, that'll be the next update.

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PART 1: LEAVING FLORIDA
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Ebony's a guy, supposedly driving his mom's car and supposedly going to Canada. Nobody really knows but him, he's just that mysterious. He's that guy you feel like you know from somewhere, but you can't really pin down where.

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Saph's some gal who just hitched a ride without asking, because anything is better than being stuck in this podunk town now that zombies are a thing. She thinks she's hot stuff and that everyone around her is significantly less cool than she is, and if she does anything, she's going to have to look awesome doing it.


When it came to the flavor text, the game threw me an absolute gift here. Being able to roll with Ebony having this past as a Twinge streamer and Saph being a regular jerk made it very easy for me to come up with the early narrative. I didn't really have much in mind beforehand.

Mechanically, they're both combat oriented characters, and that's a decent party setup to go with from the start. It does however leave you vulnerable to random events that are support skill checks, such as the wounded bandit we see later.

My preferred team is one character all-in on strength and fitness with stuff like Big Bruiser, Berserk, TSTC, and Athletic, and the other character being an absolute skill monkey who loads up Mechanical and Medical.

Early in the game, one particularly strong character can handle all the zombies on their own, and the weaker support character can focus on killing downed zombies.


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The reason why we've been looting toilets all run is that once you open 100 of them, (or just 50 with a perk,) a special event happens. We'll eventually get to see what it is, so I'll keep it a surprise for now.

Aside from that, there's not too much more to say about the early game that I didn't already say. Yall-Mart and Rest Stop are the best options to take from the start, and Ebony's hatchet is a very good starter weapon.

As it so happens thanks to that shooting gain way late in the game revealing it, most of Ebony's Mysterious Past combat points seemed to land into shooting instead of fitness or strength. I used him as a melee unit most of the game, not knowing this.

Mysterious Past's random personality also enforces that the character lands in one of the 4 support stat combo subtypes: Paranoid, Charming, Grating/Irritating, or Bandit/Sociopath. Ebony rolled Charming and it worked out in our favor fantastically.

Hidden stats! Yay!

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Saph, on the other hand, was sadly short lived. Her downfall started here with this mis-pick on the strength options, which to be fair, I still think is in character for her. In general, her overconfidence foils Ebony's level headed approach to things.

Also in hindsight, Saph had like 0 strength so I don't know why I picked heavy weight. Part of me always just forgets that the light weights are not a trap option.

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She would have grown into a strong melee character, especially getting this early fitness increase. The other option in this scenario is a strength check and increase, with your only hint to that being that it's "heavy" trash.

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This event has some possibly good outcomes, but if you don't have a Paranoid character (high Wits, low Attitude combo) or a decent amount of Medical, you're not getting any of it.

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After the trader camp where we were too broke to reasonably buy anything, we got Max. Mechanically, Max suffers from Car Nut not having been upgraded yet- when it is upgraded to max it guarantees he can at least attempt repair on whatever car he brings.

I'll be honest, I haven't watched a Mad Max movie in a long time, so really all I had to go off of were quotes. Thus Max became a guy who lived an incredibly boring life as a boring person before the apocalypse, but saw this as the opportunity to try and be interesting by becoming the Road Warrior.

He's still not very good at it yet though.

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And then Saph died to the Sweatbandits. Strong enough characters could win this and come out clean, but all of our characters are still low-level thanks to level 1 perks. If you lose the pose-off, it's worse than just paying the toll.

This is some pretty cruel RNG, landing bandits so close to each other like this, and it's the reason why it's best to never leave anyone on 1 HP. We unfortunately didn't get a chance to heal here, so the game really just wanted her dead.

The only time it's worth paying bandit tolls is when you're already broke and have nothing, or you really need to save that Berserk character's life. There's not stat rolls on fighting bandits, it's just "take damage".

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I foresaw something like this coming up, so it's why I had Saph siphon the gas the night before. If this impending death didn't occur, having her sit out of the next looting event wouldn't have been a problem either. The only thing worse than having a car break down is losing a good car from running out of gas.

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I've not yet mentioned Eason, our second party member that made it to the end. Eason's a dog and dogs feature kinda okay combat ability, fantastic co-op ability in being able to bark to draw zombie aggro, and a general usefulness in a variety of otherwise annoying and painful events.
Hilariously, none of these events ever showed up on this run. Go figure.

I had trouble even keeping track of Eason half the time because his dark coat and habit of standing right on top of people made him invisible half the time.

Eason was always kinda in the background, and that's fine. There's certain occasions that dogs shine, and in a sense, he was always a backup character in case everything went to heck. Their high movement speed makes it easy to quickly loot places or bail when necessary, and that can always come in handy.


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PART 2: THE GREAT MISADVENTURES
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So, following Saph's death we have the Great Misadventures. For a variety of reasons, I didn't really play these coming days very well, but in general this and everything before it are pretty representative of what a newcomer's first run of the game looks like.

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So, Hermit's a rare encounter that forces you to fight off the entirety of a siege. If you have a charged Cool It, then he gives you a bunch of supplies and offers to join, otherwise a Charming character is required to even recruit him. You can at least always get taught "hermit wisdom" on a character for +1 shooting and +1 max HP.

He's not easy to get, but coming with 4 strength, 4 fitness, 5 shooting, and an extra point of max HP, he's a fantastic character to have around. He honestly carried us for most of this run, which is why I still don't regret coming to this location. His only downside is that all of his personality stats are pretty much guaranteed to be 0, but the resulting Grating and Sociopath personality has it's uses.

As an oddity, any character can try to tell Hermit to Cool It, despite that normally being an option reserved for Irritating characters.

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Character-wise, he's a reclusive old guy who just kinda vanished from society, presumably after some disconnect with his family. He's a gruff guy who didn't like where the world was going years ago, and he sure as heck doesn't like it any more now. Initially, he only joins because he's out of food, and given these two guys and a dog are evidently good enough at not dying, he figures he'll net a few meals off of them until he finds himself somewhere else to be.

I'm also pretty sure that whatever accent I was writing for him fluctuated a lot over the course of the run.

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The following days are filled with starvation and morale drops low.

Real low.

In a fun curveball that threw even me for a loop, Ebony betrayed the team in the grocery store event. Any character with a low loyalty sent to do this will merely eat the food they find or just not do it, and as it would turn out, Ebony's loyalty stat happens to be 0.

There's a rare event where 0 loyalty + Charming is used, but otherwise the loyalty stat is a liability. It's all the danger of a Bandit character without the opportunity to steal anything. In hindsight, this was one of the better events to find this out in, as there's a number of bandit encounters where he could have sold us out and bailed on the team.

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The car breaks down, to make everything worse as walking events are regularly painful, a drain on supplies, and bad for morale.

With our morale rapidly approaching rock bottom and our food supply non-existent, this run should have died here.

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The Twonkie truck bought us more time as it saves us from a full starvation night, sparing us from that -2 morale we'd have taken, and got our morale just barely out of the pits. Though it only served to delay the tantrums.

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Right after, the game hits our morale down again, dropping Hermit and Eason down to zero morale.

It's very possible for one of them to have thrown a tantrum here, but they just didn't.

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We then get the ice cream van, which boosts our morale by 1 again. The game doesn't note it specifically, but finding a car when you've been walking does give a party-wide +1 morale.

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Then the hospital without any food happens. My original thought process here was that getting food and meds would be good, but this one happened to have no food and the meds ended up being useless so I sure misplayed there.

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And then, everything started to turn around.

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PART 3: END OF DARK TIMES
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In a way, we've only had bad luck since Max joined, so if he was our bad luck charm, Sammie the Debutante was our good luck charm.

Mechanically, the Debutante has okay fighting stats of 2 strength, 3 fitness and an unbreakable umbrella, and her real advantage is that she's guaranteed to be Charming. With Ebony already in the group, that point is somewhat moot, but she outmatches what Max could accomplish, so here she joined.

Otherwise, the only other thing about her is that she talks very rarely compared to other characters.

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Character-wise, she's a bit of a mystery herself. What's the deal with this random high-class LARPer? Is she an actor too caught up in the role? Is it just some coping mechanism? Even I don't know. But what I do know, is that she tries her hardest to keep everyone's spirits up regardless of how dark the world may have become, even if it may just be part of the act.

It does mean that not only was Max kicked out for a Mary Poppins wannabe, but also she's probably a better actor than he is.

She ends up being basically the Team Mom, keeping everyone from falling apart when the going gets real rough. I also imagine her concept of making room in the car means she gets the entire back seat, and Eason sat up front on the passenger's lap.

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Mechanically, the TSTC call out by Hermit and Eason tearing up the grass for morale boosts were completely random. Both of those events actually happen to be things that can be manipulated through exploiting the game's autosaving nature, as results are only saved once the event ends, and the triggers for these are random entirely.

Given that I'm playing on PC for easier capture I can't just leave the game running in the background between updates while I'm waiting on the thread to vote. When I do reload between events, these things can trigger before the event I was waiting on. In those situations, I would reload the game until the result was consistent with the end of the last update.

This is a long way of me saying that I didn't savescum these things although it is possible. Speedrunners take note, I guess.

And the actual events, like Sweatbandits or the Twonkie truck are pre-set, so I couldn't manipulate those if I wanted to.

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And then stuff starts going well for pretty much the rest of the run. There's a few rough spots, but we made it through alright.

Really all I've got left to talk about is a few mechanical things and a few character writing things.

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PART 4: THE WRAP UP
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So, Can Shooting Practice. We unfortunately just barely didn't have enough Cool It built up to take advantage of this rare event. Normally it's just a party morale -1 for +1 shooting trade, but a character with charged Cool It!!! can activate the secret ritual of DON'T HAVE COW, MAN.

It would've been another party member, though I won't really spoil who it is until it's very apparent we'll never see them by the end of the LP.

Cool It and Say It Don't Spray It, on the other hand, is a mechanic we luckily got to see at the end of this run in the final trader camp. Every time a character says Cool It or Say It Don't Spray It, an internal value gets increased by 2-3. If it's over 5, then the next event of this nature will let you unleash the Charged Cool It!!!, usually giving you some pretty sweet rewards in return.

Mechanically, I love Cool It. It's silly, and it effectively acts as a way to take smaller penalties at certain points in the game in order to change a later event into a big boost. From escaping bad bandit encounters to recruiting rare characters to having great gear dumped on your head, it's good stuff.

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The Perfect Rock event, where you throw a rock at a zombie, is a peculiar one.

Oblivious characters get a weird result where they get both strength and fitness gains from this, but at the cost of a bunch of morale, -1 health, taking a party morale hit, and wasting a day. It's a lot.

Meanwhile this event just does a strength check first- if it passes you miss and obliterate the garden gnome.

If they don't meet that random roll, then if they have high fitness then they get the best morale boosting outcome. Otherwise it just fails, reveals some stats and boosts the rest of the party's morale.

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Not long after this, our Debutante left the team to pursue her own goals. Perhaps worried for the state of the car, or maybe feeling her job in keeping these three from taking each other out was done here, she traded places with The Doc.

And when I say "taking each other out" I mean it even mechanically. A number of tantrum events from being low on morale can deal damage to the survivors on your team, and one of the dog events in particular takes 2 health off someone and then has them ditch the team. In an alternate timeline, it would've been possible for Hermit to punch Ebony in the face and then Eason right after deciding to bite, killing our Twinge streamer from purely friendly fire damage.

Game gets dark sometimes.

Speaking of Hermit, he had been breaking out of his crusty old guy shell both from surviving the hardships up to this point and the general positive nature of the Debutante. It caused him to start to seeing the Debutante, Ebony, and Eason as a surrogate family, and her departure broke that for quite some time. This would make him fall back for a bit back into his original grouchy ways.

He'd eventually come back out of it by the finale of the game.

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So I guess now we skip ahead some to talk about Doc and the Haunted kitchenware.

Doc herself was mostly written taking use of the lines she normally says in the game. She claims to be "not mad" in her own words, though she actually fits the shoes of the inventor experimenting with dangerous ideas perfectly.

She doesn't really have any attachment to the group, but she finds them to be interesting scientifically and a suitable set of bodyguards in making her way to the border.

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Mechanically, she's alright, and all you really want her for is those mechanical and wits skill. In the late game, her mazer is kinda sub-par, and the teleporter is really only useful for shenanigans. You can use it to break the end of the game or cut through a really big horde, either abandoning your teammates or escaping being caught by a big crowd.

Having two slots eaten up by unremovable items makes her a very annoying AI partner sometimes, in part alleviated and exacerbated by the fact she won't use the teleporter on her own, ever.

With the AI, you can lock 1 weapon, and what it does is make the AI never drop that item and prioritize using it if possible. Although, there's nothing to be said about the other items in their inventory- they will absolutely briefly drop, say, your ULTIMATE LOG, for a golf club just because they don't think they have the stats to use it.

The AI also has a high priority on using unremovable items regardless of what you've set the AI to do. Even on the "use melee" setting, Doc will still spam mazers if I don't lock a weapon in her only open slot. If I want her to start using the Solar Mazer again, I have to unlock said weapon, which means she can now decide to drop whatever good item I had locked for something much worse.

(The Debutante was prioritizing her umbrella, but I didn't really have anything better to give her instead of it, so it wasn't a problem. While it's not great, it's better than pistol whipping zombies instead of using the bonesaw in their inventory.)

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It's worth noting that getting the huanted fork even to the entrance of the Dark Manor was a pain because Doc would keep dropping it for other stuff. When it's thrown, it technically leaves your inventory and unlocks itself. Following this, it was still in the air when I tried to leave and thus didn't even leave with us.

It's a neat weapon that would have been useful, but trying to micromanage the AI to keep it would have driven me insane, I think.

This game's a lot easier in Co-op, I'm tellin' ya.

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With that out of the way, let's talk how 20 pipebombs from a charged Cool It turned into a knight sword.

So, as mentioned before, I can't leave this game running while I wait on the votes for what we do to come in. It's not an issue with events as noted before, as I can just quit the game right there and we'll run into it again when I load the save.

Trader Camps are a different matter, and it's why I didn't offer any votes in the earlier camps. Whenever you enter a map in this game, camps included, the game reacts differently to prevent savescumming. If it's a normal looting map or whatever, quitting the game mid-map deletes said save file.

Quitting on a trader camp forces you to skip it entirely, and when you load up the file next, you'll just be past it.

So, in order to handle this, I have to keep save back-ups every time we come across a trader camp. My initial tests of this happened to be with two rare trader camps, and I failed to consider how the game might react in the situation of a normal encampment.

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What's not shown in the last update is how I had to replace the save file about 70 times before I finally gave up on getting a version of the camp that had both the Mobile Gun Show and the Pipebomb Supplier.

Because, yes, of all things, the traders are randomly generated on entering the camp. Rare camps happen to be predefined in what spawn, so only appearances get randomized.

Also, one knight sword in the endgame for a character who can barely use it isn't a good trade for 20 pipebombs if you ask me.

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The last thing I really have to cover is the finale map, since I opted for full narrative there.

The map itself is always the same, though the placement of some of the ruined cars can be slightly random. The zombies are of course moving around so they're not entirely guaranteed to be consistent, but you can always expect the map to have a big group up front, and an absolutely massive group blocking the way to the Mounties.

Using the car as a bomb is very useful in thinning out this early horde, and with a single pipebomb more, I'd pretty much cleared the large majority of the zombies in the way on this difficulty. From there, we could pretty much just charge in. Momentum is important on this map as there's so many zombies you just want to make an opening and slip through before they all properly lock onto you.

With some decent guns and maybe another explosive or two, you can get away with this on the higher difficulties as well.

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The bridge poses little threat on Normal difficulty, but will be jam-packed on Deadlier and Extreme modes. Fighting through it isn't too bad if you've got chainsaws, assault rifles, smgs, and beefy shotguns, but it's also a threat in the AI lagging behind here.

It's probably best to enter the AI options and set them to "Runnin'" or ("Defend" on higher modes) so that they don't lag behind fighting anything behind you.

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Going around the side of the big horde in front of the fort is the easiest way of handling them as well. On higher difficulties you may have to blow your way through on the side with a bomb of some kind, or draw aggro on one side and run to the other. You're not going to fight through the wall of undead flesh easily, not with zombies coming up the rear.

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The Mounties, Moose, and Beavers present at the gates aren't invincible, but as long as you keep your backs against the bulldozers blocking the path and keep on swingin' and sprayin' bullets, you'll come out alive. The Canadians are great meatshields and their stats are fantastic, which allow them to make it a long while on their own, regardless of the size of the horde.

Mecha-Mountie comes in after some time passes, and will absolutely lay waste to the horde, so you just have to survive until then.

...And that's it!


All in all it was a wild ride of a first run, though given the thread voted for us to go into Rare Characters mode next, it may just get wilder.

I probably can't keep up such a rapid update cycle on this next one, as writing the little conversations and stuff ends up taking me quite a while. I don't claim to be a great writer, especially on such a short turnover time and I know for sure the result isn't very consistent, but I think I did pretty alright.

Although I basically had no time to really write updates for my other LP during this and I burned through my whole backlog of updates for it, because it just took that much time out of my day. Heck, my the LP I originally intended to do was put aside because narrative is just so much work for me.

As result, expect a bit slower of an update schedule for now- more of a twice a week kind of affair for this next run. Also, if there was something I didn't talk about but you wanted to know about just ask.

Next time: things get WEIRD... hopefully.

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UPDATE 17: The Weird Beginneth

* Tunes: What Could Possibly Go Wrong? *

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ESME: FURNITURE FOR THE FURNITURE GOD! :black101:

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ALEX: I... ugh... see why you don't need any weapons now.

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ESME: Then you are beginning to see the light!

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ESME: WE SHALL START YOUR TRAINING NOW!

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ALEX: ...Can I, er, get a raincheck on that?

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ALEX: Did you just punch right through that vending machine?! Why?! :stonk:

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ESME: Glass and steel... it is weak compared to our true power. It cannot hurt me!

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ALEX: Has the whole world lost the plot...? :stare:

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ALEX: So, right, while you're doing terrifying things with benches, um, what did you say your name was again-

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ESME: SWORN DISCIPLE OF THE PROMISED SWOLE

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ESME: SEEKER OF THE FORBIDDEN PUMP

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ESME: ...Esme.

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ALEX: Riiiight.

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ESME: Hyah! Hoowah! Ha-cha! Begone!

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ALEX: Haah...haah...

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ESME: Tired already? How weak! I will have to double the training!

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ALEX: Give me a... break... I woke up in a hospital...

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ESME: This is besides the point! You have not told me your name!

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ALEX: Um... Alex. I think.

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ESME: Thinking is for the weak!

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ALEX: Hey, it was the name on the papers, that's all I know. I don't really remember a lot of stuff right now.

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ESME: I don't remember a lot of stuff, ever.

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---------------------------------
Mission Summary

Found 10 food, total now 18
Found 2 gas, total now 102
Found 1 medical, total now 1

Pistol ammo total: 19
Rifle ammo total: 18

---------------------------------

* Tunes: Zombonita Beach *


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ALEX: I was gonna ask if it was okay if we scarpered off with all this, but I guess it doesn't matter if they're dead.

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ESME: I don't care either way!

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ALEX: Er, that they're dead or if it's okay?

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ESME: Both.

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ALEX: ...Well, at least you're honest about it.

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ESME: To be truly swole, you must be true to yourself.

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Moose in the Morning

The group camps for the night, off a quiet stretch of the road.

The group eats a decent meal.

Lose 4 food!

---------------------------------

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ALEX: Hey, how come you get all the jerky?

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ESME: In the search for swole I require PROTEIN.

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ALEX: And the chips?

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ESME: Desperate times call for carbs. :geno:

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The Morning Moose

In the morning, there's a moose outside the-


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ESME: RAGING FUTON DDT, GO :black101:

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RESULT

Esme wrestles the moose! Arms lock with hooves in a test of strength and willpower!

She wins this pointless contest! It's a triumph over nature. The moose seethes ofver the loss and saunters away.

Esme's strength increases to :keke: (6)
Esme's morale increases to almost :keke: (5)

---------------------------------

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ESME: TAKE THAT, NATURE

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ALEX: You're a right nut of a bird aren't ya?

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ESME: BOOYAH!

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ALEX: I really just don't know what to say at this point.

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ESME: I could sure go for ANYTHING ELSE right now.

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ESME: The training of a disciple is hindered by INACTIVITY. :argh:

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ALEX: You're the one driving. Not me. I'd just rather not be out in the rain.

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Light Rain

The group reaches a city as it starts to rain. The drizzle seems to rile up the local zombies.

Your zombie forecast is:
SWARM SIZE: Mild
AGGRESSION: Irritated
CURRENT TIME: Late afternoon

When driving into the city, the group discovers:

1. COFFEE SHOP
2. INFESTED STRONGHOLD

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* Tunes: Lootin' *


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ESME: Ah! Zombies to destroy!

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ALEX: Are you seriously going to-

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ALEX: -oookay, ow, that had to hurt.

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ESME: Silly unswole one, the zombies cannot feel pain!

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ESME: Besides, running over zombies is mandated in the DOCTRINES OF SWOLEN ONE.

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ALEX: This car's not making it long, I see...

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ESME: KIIYAH!

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ALEX: Oh, ughh...I heard that snap...

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ESME: ONWARDS! To "Fred's Fort"!

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ESME: Your stomach is WEAK.

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ALEX: Actually the gore's been less disturbing than I'd have thought, it's the, um...

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ALEX: s-s-SKELETONS! :gonk:

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ESME: 2 spooky 5 u :haw:

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ALEX: H-hey! It's a legimate f-fear...! :mad:

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ESME: Too much intact furniture! It's no wonder Fred is dead.

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ALEX: Maybe it's just well built?

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ESME: Then Fred should have been more SWOLE.

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ALEX: Why? Just why stick your hands down the loo like that?

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ESME: We must recieve the Blessing of the Commode. How can you not know this?

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ALEX: I... that's not a thing.

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ESME: Of course it is! You'd be dead without my guidance, unswole one.

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ALEX: Well, I can't deny that being graced with your presence makes everything safer.

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ALEX: (Although it's definitely not good for my sanity.)

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ESME: Pah! Guns! This is why you died, Fred. To survive, you only need GUNS LIKE THESE. *flex*

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ESME: I WILL CORRECT THIS- :argh:

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ALEX: WOAH, HOLD ON! Don't break that over your knee!

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ESME: It would snap easily!

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ALEX: Yes, and it, uh... might be loaded! So I'll uh, take care of that.

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ESME: Psh.

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ESME: GLORIOUS FURNITURE!

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ALEX: Urk... and more skeletons...! :cry:

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ALEX: Oh gawd, please just... put that down...

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ESME: Huh, it moves like a Slonky! :)

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ALEX: ...Before I question why does the skull and spine-

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ESME: Spine with skull accessory.

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ALEX: -whatever, can you just...not? :sigh:

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ESME: Another gun? To think you'd betray the path of SWOLE so readily!

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ESME: Hah! It explains why you wear little girl's shirt!

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ALEX: It's all I could find, even if it barely fits! Listen, I'm not running around in a hospital gown.

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ESME: And the girly cowboy hat was there too? :raise:

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ALEX: Believe it or not, yes.

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ESME: And your hair is just similarly pink?

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ALEX: I assure you from what memory I do have, this isn't my outfit, bird.

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ALEX: ...Also it's lavender, not pink. :colbert:

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ESME: Psh, too much talk, not enough FURNITURE

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ALEX: It never ceases to frighten me, no matter how many times I see it.

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ESME: Hm. I think you need a mohawk. It will make you braver, guaranteed.

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ALEX: I'm good with my hair the way it is, thank you, and I'd think I'm contributing as much as I can here.

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ESME: Oh really?

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ESME: Then we shall TEST you by fighting this incoming horde of zombies!

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ALEX: Mmmmaybe we just run them over with the car?

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ESME: ...It would be more fun. Not all hope is lost for you yet, it seems. :hmmyes:

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ESME: RAGING TIRE STRIKE! :black101:

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ALEX: Why'd I have to get picked up by this nutter...

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---------------------------------
[/i]MISSION SUMMARY

Found 5 food, total now 19
Found 1 gas, total now 93
Found 2 medical, total now 3

Total pistol ammo: 58
Total rifle ammo: 37
Total shotgun ammo: 50

56 zombies destroyed

---------------------------------
* Tunes: Nobody Cooled It *

We're doing pretty good on supplies it seems. A shotgun and a rifle this early is really nice, especially for Alex who has just rock bottom combat stats. Esme can't use them, being a Martial Artist, but that's fine as her Kung-Fu often one-shots zombies with ease.

Like any BERSERK character really, if there's furniture in proximity, zombies will be eliminated with ease.

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The Perfect Rock

The group finds a perfect throwing rock on the ground. It is next to a low fence guarding a big fall. At the bottom of this drop is a single zombie, standing there, staring at nothing in particular.

It's too good to pass up. Someone MUST throw that rock at this zombie:

1. Esme
2. Esme
3. Esme
4. ESME

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ESME: HOOOOOOOYAAAAAAA

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RESULT

Esme is compelled to throw a rock at the hapless zombie. They put all their might into a mighty downward throw. The rock misses the zombie, but obliterates a small garden gnome.

Esme's morale increases to :keke: (6)
Alex's morale increases to almost :keke: (5)

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ALEX: There's just zero self-control underneath all that muscle, it seems.

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ESME: Hah! I passed the rite of self-control with ease! Shows what you know :smug:

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ESME: Besides, breaking garden gnomes is funny.

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ALEX: ...It was pretty brilliant I'm not gonna lie.

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Night Siphon

The group sets up camp late. On the nearby highway is a bunch of abandoned cars. They're broken, but many should have a little bit of gas. Would you like to send someone to siphon out the gas?

1. Esme
2. Alex
3. Wait until morning

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ESME: Where ya going?

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ALEX: Going to go siphon gas. Won't hurt to have more.

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ESME: Psh.

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ALEX: What?

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ESME: It's gonna go badly. So says the tales of THE FURNITURE GOD.

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ALEX: Then, "psh", back at you. I'm vaguely sure I've done this before and it'll go fine.

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Gassy Night

Alex siphons the gas, but accidentally swallows a bit and gets really, really sick that night instead of sleeping.

Alex's morale decreases to :geno: (3)

The group eats a decent meal.
Lose 4 food.

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ESME: Told ya so! Never works!

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ALEX: ...'Ey, give it a rest, I'm right knackered 'ere... *yawn* *hic* Ugh...

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ALEX: s'least the sunrise is rather pretty.

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ESME: ...

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ALEX: 'Ey, you al-

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ESME: *Slams the brakes*

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Silent Guardian

A man in makeshift armor, made from athletic gear, is standing guard in the middle of a narrow wooden bridge on the road. He's wearing boxing gloves, staring forward at the car, silent as he blocks the way past.

1. Push him off bridge
2. Plow through with car (requires a car)
3. Esme- Fight him one on one!
4. Esme- Tell him to COOL IT

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ALEX: *hits head* OOOwww! What in the bl-

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ESME: Is this a challenge? The fated BRIDGE SENTINEL?!

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ALEX: Who cares who this nutter is, can't you just drive past him?

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ALEX: Gawd, I already felt sick, I didn't need to feel worse...

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ESME: No room. We must FIGHT.


Well thread? How do we respond to this challenge?

(And there's no need to vote for Cool It, here, for reasons you'll see later.)

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Fiiiiight

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UPDATE 18: The Tale of Swolda: The Jong of Flavorville

* Tunes: Nobody Cooled It *

Esme will be FIGHTing this guy!

But first:

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Esme stands at the edge of the bridge and yells at the bridge guard to COOL IT.

The armored man continues staring straight forward. It's not clear if he even heard Esme.
---------------------------------

Using the Cool It option brings us back to the same decisions as before minus it, with no other consequences. So it's pretty free.

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Result

Esme
charges right at the sports-gear armored man, tackles him at the waist, and tosses him over the bridge. SPLASH!

---------------------------------

This would have raised her morale but she's already capped on that.

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ESME: No one ever listens to me! He would have been a great WARRIOR OF SWOLE.

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ALEX: I don't think he was able to hear anything in that... armour. Whatever it was.

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Trading on the Death Road

Outside of Canada, most of society and civilization has been destroyed. You can still find people engaging in trade, with preserved food being the new currency.

You have 8 food left.

The group runs into a trading camp!

1. Visit Trader Camp
2. Ignore Trader Camp

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ESME: Psh. This camp is decidedly unswole. Only baby arms gun users and doctors.

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ALEX: So these people are really trading food as money?

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ESME: Bah, and they leave their annoying bullets on the floor! I shall take them, and when they run out, they will see how WEAK they are.

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ALEX: ...If you're just going to pocket those, then can I have them?

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Silent But Deadly

This suspicious person is wearing a mask and holding a fancy silenced sniper rifle.

My weapons are so quiet. You'll attract much less zombies per shot.
1. Leave for now
2. Silenced Pistol for 3 food

---------------------------------

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ESME: Bringing in more zombies is the only redeeming feature!

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ESME: BAH! THIS PLACE INFURIATES ME!

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ALEX: Hey, while the bird's not looking, here's three Snockers bars.

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RESULT

The group buys a silenced pistol.

I have a few more for sale, if you want silent fireams for a whole group!

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SNIPER: ...Then again, your mate pr'olly won't take to kindly to that.

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ALEX: Yeah. She's a right nutter.

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SNIPER: That's dandy, but can ya get her away from my wife?

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RESULT

Esme quips SAY IT DON'T SPRAY IT to the firearms coach.

Her reaction is brief disgust.

Oh. Yeah, ok. You're one of those types, huh?[/b]

She alerts the rest of the camp that Esme is a huge dingus, and the group is forced to leave.

1. OK
---------------------------------

Nothing much to really say about that camp. Most of what it offered isn't really useful to this group at the time, but the silenced pistol at least gives us one of every gun type.

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ALEX: Was that necessary?

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ESME: YES. These people have so much POTENTIAL FOR SWOLE.

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ESME: "IF WE WERE ALL SWOLE AND THREW FURNITURE, ALL ZOMBIES WILL DIE"

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ESME: So sayeth the teachings of the SWOLEN ONE.

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ALEX: Meh, at least those folk seemed mostly normal. Mostly.

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ESME: ...

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ALEX: Rooaaaaad trii-

*Car turns sharply*

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ALEX: -pwhowhoawhoa, where are you going?!

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ESME: I heard... the breaking of furniture.

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LNK

The group investigates some loud crashing noises from a crafts store.

There is a man dressed in green, smashing pottery with a gigantic sword. The sword clangs against the ground as it slams through each pot, but doesn't bend.

After watching this go on for quite awhile, it's clear there is something deeply wrong with this person.

1. Recruit him
2. Leave him be

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ESME: I cannot believe it! Another DISCIPLE OF SWOLE! :keke:

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LANK: *Places hands on hips and stares*

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ALEX: Oh great... more of them... :sigh:

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ESME: Come with us, brother! There will be much to destroy!

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LANK: *Steps forward onto a stick*

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---------------------------------
THE PLOT THICKENS

Lank picks up a stick and then holds it towards the sky awkwardly. From nowhere, a little tune plays.

Lank's strength revealed as :geno: (3)
Lank's fitness revealed as :) (4)

Lank joins the team!

Onward to Canada!
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ESME: What lean muscle!

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ALEX: (Now that you mention it, he is quite the looker...) :eyepop:

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LANK: Hyup! *jumps through open car window*

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ESME: We shall have to work on your BULK, my brother!

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ALEX: W-what?! No! I mean, uh...

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ESME: :raise:

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LANK: HYAAAAA!

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ALEX: Uh. :stare:

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River of Sludge

This city is covered with hordes of undead and wreckage that has been touched by a previous fire. The group is surrounded, and their only chance is SPRINTING through the sewers.

Your zombie forecast is:
SWARM SIZE: Mild
AGGRESSION: Hunting
CURRENT TIME: Late Night

DIVE IN

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* Tunes: Rigor Mortis Rag *

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ALEX: Oh, just, ughh... WHY?! Gawd, the smell is just-

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ESME: *Pinches nose*

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ALEX: OW, OW, OW! WHY?! E'm un ur side!

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ESME: Now you can't smell it!

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ALEX: Ur rite, but still!

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LANK: *Blinks*

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ALEX: Whuh? Way why izzit stuck like thiz

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ESME: Psh. It is stunned in FEAR. That was only a FRACTION OF MY POWER.

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ESME: NOW WE GO! :black101:

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Before we dive into more crazy, here's Lank. Or rather, L*nk. His name changes between runs as he isn't based off of anything and if he is, he is a parody.

He's got good midgame melee stats, and comes with a useless tree branch and his special Take This. The latter is a familiar wooden sword that attacks in thrusts and isn't all that strong.

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Instead of a classic siege, we've got one of those hallway traps. Fine by me, these are easier to survive anyhow. As always, these are a series of corridors with one door connecting them each, and possibly a treasure room off to the side.

This one's at midnight so aggression is at it's usual high level, and you can't see a dang thing without a flashlight. You always start the game with two, I just stuck one in Esme's pockets for this mission.

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On higher difficulties, these maps are really all about momentum. The absolute mass of zombies behind you will be terrifying and the groups in front of you will be no joke. I've found these little U-shaped hallways on the side to be good for slipping past some groups in those occasions, though they're also sort of just there to try and trap you.

Being this early in the game on normal difficulty, this place is very easy, especially with Esme leading the charge.

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The tricky spot in the sewer runs is that you'll find these spots where instead of going forward, you have to pick between going up or down first.

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LANK: KYAAAAAAAAAAA!

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ESME: Your warcries are magnificent, Brother Lank! HYAH! KYAAH!

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ALEX: Thuh echo in 'ere dussn't make thuz enny better :(


Lank will occasionally call out when attacking. A number of special characters do this, and all of his are the expected battle cries.

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+1 ZOMBO POINT

Also, here's one of those treasure rooms I mentioned. Any time you see two doors, (excluding the one you entered from,) in one of these hallway run missions, one of them is probably going to be a treasure room.

Usually it's just some bullets or a bit of food, but sometimes good things can be hiding in these.

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The rest of this mission is just running through and killing some zombies. It might be hard to see, but Alex is still Tired. If a Tired character bottoms out their stamina, the game will remind you of it.

Anyways, while I'm at the ladder, I might as well mention one last thing. As long as nobody's presently being grabbed by a zombie and also relatively close to the ladder, you can just bail and everyone comes with you. If characters are too far away, in a different room, or being grabbed, the game will warn you that you'll leave them behind if you leave now.

Just something you've gotta watch out for.

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DA NA NA NAAAAAAA!

Lank stumbles on a treasure chest. He opens it up and lifts it's contents high above his head.

It contained the Wooden Boomerang!

---------------------------------

* Tunes: Zombonita Beach *

This is Lank's other special thing he does. At random, he'll upgrade his gear, and it makes him one of the great all-rounder characters you can find in the list of Rare characters.

He does have a downside though, and hopefully we won't see it.


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ALEX: Seriously, where does that music keep coming from?

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ESME: Good find, Brother Lank!

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LANK: Hyah!

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ALEX: ...Oh, hey, my nose is fixed!

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ALEX: It still hurts though. :(




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---------------------------------
Glimmer of Hope on the Death Road

The group feels inspired after managing to survive that situation!

They feel like they are getting the hang of this...

Choose a reward for the group:

1. Morale and random skill gain
2. Mechanical
3. Shooting
4. Esme- Faster run speed

---------------------------------

While the dexterity boost for Esme is a rare and good one to see, I'm not too hyped to take it. Making her more of a beast is funny, but putting all your eggs in the BERSERK basket isn't a great idea when a random driving event can one-shot the character. If this was +1 max HP, I would have slammed that button in a heartbeat, as right now, Esme lives as long as the RNG decides she does.

Mechanical would be nice in general, but the whole group doesn't need it, and the same goes for Shooting (though Lank can wield a gun, it'll be a long time before he's good at it). Praying to RNG is is!

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---------------------------------
RESULT

Every day is a great teacher, as long as you don't get eaten.

Alex's morale increases to :) (4)
Lank's morale increases to :) (4)
Esme's medical increases!
Alex's mechanical increases!
Lank's mechanical increases!

ZOMBO POINT EARNED!

---------------------------------

Better than everyone getting mechanical!

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ESME: Your nose will become STRONGER for it.

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ALEX: I'm not sure why I'd need a strong nose.

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LANK: *Pushes radio button, windshield wipers turn on*

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LANK: WAUGH?!

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ALEX: I barely know anything about cars, but yeah, that's not supposed to happen. :stare:

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---------------------------------
Bandit Watch

It's nearly time to camp, but there has been a lot of signs of bandits today. Someone needs to be awake in case of an attack.

Who should stay up on watch?

1. Lank
2. Alex
3. Esme
4. Keep driving

---------------------------------

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ESME: ZZZZZZzzzzz.....

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LANK: *Enters combat stance*

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ALEX: Yeah, I get the feeling as well. Some hooligans are gonna nick some stuff if we don't keep a lookout.

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ESME: *snOOOOOORE*

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ALEX: I'm not gonna catch a wink with that going on, so try and get some sleep yourself.

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LANK: Hm. *Nods*


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---------------------------------
Result

Alex stands guard for the night. She manages to stay awake, but feels pretty bad in the morning.

Alex's morale decreases to :geno: (3)
Alex's loyalty revealed as almost :keke: (5)

The group eats a decent meal.
Lose 6 food.

---------------------------------

Oddly, being Tired already doesn't affect this event, just loyalty. I already know that Esme has rock bottom loyalty and I don't want my star fighter exhausted anyways, and Lank is still a mystery but a decent fighter.

This has revealed that Alex has redeeming qualities outside of her Perk and Trait though. Knowing which character to trust is always good.

Poor Alex still hasn't slept in two days though.

Random Fun Fact: On console versions, for a while, L*nk wore blue and not green.

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ESME: I wonder if we can keep one for a pet?

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LANK: Hwagh?!

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ESME: You're right. More fun to CRUSH the zombies.

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ALEX: ...zzzz....

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LANK: *Picks up empty snack bag*

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ESME: I miss HIGH QUALITY SOURCES OF PROTEIN.

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---------------------------------
Familiar Faces

Whoa, it's Gal Fieri! It's nice to see a familiar face! She was sleeping in an abandoned house. She is slightly irritated to have been woken up.

TRAIT: Specialist PERK: Pyromaniac

---------------------------------

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GAL FIERI: Did someone say PROTEIN?! Sounds like you need a proper barbecue!

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ESME: BARBECUE?! :swoon:

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ALEX: Wha...? What's going on?

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GAL FIERI: What's going on?! It's me, Gal Fieri and we're going to Flavorville! I wake up in the morning and think about food, and it seems you are too!

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GAL FIERI: Well, let's go get some food! Good eats!

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ALEX: Whatever, hop in. Just let me go back to sleep...

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Gal Fieri's shooting revealed as :( (2)
Gal Fieri's strength revealed as :( (2)
Gal Fieri's fitness revealed as :( (2)

Not bad, though as we'll see soon, this doesn't matter.

(And yes, the screenshot says that she only has almost :cry: instead, but it's reporting wrong.)

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---------------------------------
Always Be Looting

While driving on the Death Road, the groip decides to make a stop for supplies:

1. Grocery Rescue
2. Junkyard
3. Riled Up House
4. Explorer - Drive more - 25 gas

---------------------------------

Here's Alex's explorer perk giving us more ABL options. Luckily, the first one happens to be a good one.

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---------------------------------
Grocery Rescue

The group watches as another survivor retreats into a big grocery store. The survivor is pursued by a large, angry horde.

Your zombie forecast is:
SWARM SIZE: Moderate
AGGRESSION: Mega-Cheesed
CURRENT TIME: Late Afternoon

Attempt Rescue!
---------------------------------

* Tunes: Lootin' *

Ah yes, the aggression level beyond the normal nighttime aggro. This would be terrifying if the zombie size wasn't so small.

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Lank gets his boomerang and-

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ALEX: WAIT HOLD THE HECK, WHAT IN WHY :stonk:

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LANK: Wawugh?!

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GAL FIERI: I don’t ever use lighter fluid, It's un-American. Amateurs, losers, and dinks use lighter fluid.

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GAL FIERI: Napalm? Now that's American cooking.

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ESME: There is wisdom in these words... :hmmyes:


I thought that Specialist + Pyro got a fire poker, but that's actually Phoenix + Trademark. So, uh, yeah, Miss Fieri here has a heckin' Napalm Thrower.

It's the only thing she can use, but she does restore some ammo between levels.

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GAL FIERI: There are two different things: there's grilling, and there's barbecue. Grilling is when people say, 'We're going to turn up the heat, make it really hot and sear a steak, sear a burger, and melt faces off.'

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ALEX: Can you please, maybe hold back on that?

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GAL FIERI: Not of much of a Grillin' Girl, are ya? I'll dial it back to Barbecue Babe. A good cook wants everyone to enjoy the meal.

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ESME: FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! :dance:

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LANK: KYAAH!

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ALEX: Blimey, everyone around me has lost the plot...


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In practice, this means I've got Gal doing a whole lot of nothing most of the time. I'm greatly suspicious of fire weapons in this game, especially given that she's the only one here immune to it.

Maybe we'll get lucky and get an event to expand her inventory size soon.

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ESME: HEY! UNSWOLEN ONE!

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GAL FIERI: You ready for Flavorville?

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LANK: KYAAAH!

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---------------------------------
Everyone needs help sometimes

Jong
says that she really wants to get our of this place.

She asks if she can follow you around.

1. Let her follow you
2. Leave her

---------------------------------

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JONG: You know, I'm not going to question it! Can you get me out of here?

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ALEX: *yawn* Yeah, that's the best thing to do, mate. Just follow us.


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And so, Jong has temporarily joined our kooky crew. The main goal for rescue missions is to find this person and get them out alive. Our first run had one of these, but the bad timing prevented me from finding them.

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JONG: Is she just... blowing them apart with her hands? :stonklol:

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ALEX: Yup.

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JONG: And that's a flamethrower?

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GAL FIERI: Napalm! More sophisticated, more AMERICAN!

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JONG: And that cosplayer guy with the wooden sword...

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LANK: SI-YAAAH!

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JONG: What's up with him?

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ALEX: No idea, but he's kinda hot.

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ALEX: ...Rubbish, I just said that out loud :aaa:

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JONG: And you're... British?

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ALEX: Yeah. My memory's kinda fuzzy on really how I got here.

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JONG: Man, I knew I shouldn't have eaten those mushrooms.

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ALEX: Hey, I haven't slept in two days. I know how you feel.

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JONG: :stonk:

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GAL FIERI: A treasure trove of food! Gonna be some good cookin' tonight!

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ESME: Fuel, for the SWOLE!

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JONG: Um, the car's not starting...!

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LANK: *rapidly changes L-target*

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ALEX: Do something!

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ESME: *slams the dashboard*

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GAL FIERI: GIVE' ER!

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---------------------------------
MISSION SUMMARY

Found 11 food, total now 19

Rifle ammo total: 20
Shotgun ammo total: 61

71 zombies destroyed.

---------------------------------

Pretty small-ish Yall-mart, and being a rescue mission, the on map rewards are kinda slim as usual.

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---------------------------------
Rescue Successful!

Jong
catches up with the group at a safe spot. She offers a reward in thanks for saving her life.

1. Recruit Jong
2. Group Strength training
3. Stash of 15 food

---------------------------------

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JONG: Er... take care of yourself out there. You seem like the only sane one here.

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ALEX: Probably not for long! ...But yeah, thanks.


This is the real reason to do rescue events. While the group strength training would be nice, I figured that nabbing the supply of food would be good. It jumps us up roughly 2 more days of food, and there's more opportunities for swole along the way.

This puts us at 34, which should hold us for quite some time.

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---------------------------------
Lucky Candy Bar

The group finds a candy bar on the side of the road! It's 'fun sized'.

Who gets to eat it?

1-3: Pick someone
4. Share with everyone

---------------------------------

*distant da na na naaaaah*

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ALEX: Where's uh... Brother Lank?

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ESME: No idea.

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---------------------------------
It Really Is Fun Sized

Lank eats that candy, big time. The sugary sweetness makes him/her feel a little better about his current life in not-Canada.

Lank's morale increases to :keke: (6)

---------------------------------

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ALEX: Oh, there he is.

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GAL FIERI: What have you found?

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LANK: :)

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ALEX: ...I guess it was good, whatever it was?


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---------------------------------
DA NA NA NAAAAAAAA!

Lank stumbles on a treasure chest. He opens it and lifts its contents high above his head.

It contained the White Sword!

---------------------------------

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ESME: HOW DOES HE DO IT?!

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ALEX: Lank, please, that's not a treasure chest, that's the car's bonnet.

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LANK: KyaaaAAAH!

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ALEX: Also, was the car smoking before this happened?

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GAL FIERI: You want this car smoked? I can do that-

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ALEX: what- NO, PUT THE NAPALM DOWN PLEASE


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---------------------------------
Last Computer, Last Chance for Internet

In a house with a generator attached, the group stumbles onto a working computer. It's one of the older style ones, when the monitors were built like an enormous brick with glass on the front.

The group salivates. Finally, FINALLY, a chance to watch Youtube videos!

1. Try to get on the internet
2. Play QBasic games instead
3. Siphon the generator

---------------------------------

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ALEX: Oh, gawd, at last. I can look up and see if I'm completely losing it.

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LANK: Whah?!

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ESME: FURNITURE FOR THE FUR-

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ALEX: Whoa, hold on a minute! Let's run the gas out before you smash it, at least.

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ESME: Hmph, fine.

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GAL FIERI: Be sure to visit Bomb-dot-com, that's my personal website and one-way trip to Flavorville.

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ALEX: ...Huh?

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GAL FIERI: Well, that and I need to go over my recipes again. My personal copy of my cookbook got eaten by a zombie.

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ESME: I'm still HUNGRY over here.


Well thread? We've seen this option before, in a different story, but what shall we do now?

Also, since it's also kind of another weak event to end on, should Lank survive long enough for it should he take the heart container or bombs?

User avatar
UPDATE 19: FLAVORVILLE

Votes are in to try to get on the Internet!

* Tunes: Nobody Cooled It *

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---------------------------------
RESULT

The computer makes strange, piercing noises and distorted chirps. What the heck is going on?

Alex fiddles with the ancient computer. It is a complete and utter mystery. Alex starts to make headway into understanding very old computers and, somehow, car repair.

Then the power shuts off.

Alex's mechanical increases!

Esme's morale decreases to almost :keke: (5)
Lank's morale decreases to almost :keke: (5)
Gal Fieri's 's morale decreases to almost :keke: (5)
Alex's 's morale decreases to :( (2)

---------------------------------

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ALEX: I'm not sure if this is a normal computer.

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ALEX: ...Pretty sure this is a car ignition.

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GAL FIERI: Did someone say IGNITION?!

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GAL FIERI: ...Oh. That's just weird.

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ALEX: Well, with the power out, not much else I can do 'ere.

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ESME: Psh. I did 500 1 finger push-ups waiting on this.

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ALEX: You can smash it now, if you want.

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ESME: What's the point? It's already broke and I see no zombies! We leave now, I am BORED.

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ALEX: Sure, whatever. But, where's Lank?

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LANK: *enters the room, chasing a bug with a bottle in hand* :mad:

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GAL FIERI: I'm not cooking that.

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LANK: Hup! *whiff* Hup! *whiff*

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LANK: HYAAAAGH!

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---------------------------------
Death Road Sing-a-Long

The group is sitting around a campfire. Finding this campsite was rough, so they are getting in a bad mood.

The group eats a decent meal.

Lose 8 food!

1. Sing a song
2. Lank- Plan out tomorrow

---------------------------------

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LANK: *stares at empty bottle* :(

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GAL FIERI: *furiously cooking*

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ESME: How does one make Swole Jims taste better?

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GAL FIERI: A lot of ways! Just the right heat and a little bit of seasoning will do wonders! There's many roads to Flavorville!

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ESME: I AM READY FOR ALL OF THE ROADS

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GAL FIERI: Not the first time I've had to cook 'em either, believe it or not.

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ALEX: How'd that happen?

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GAL FIERI: Swole Jim sponsored a boxing tourney once. They hired me to give 'em some real good catering.

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---------------------------------
RESULT

Lank plans out the next day. It's a good use of ime, and helps them focus on the big picture.

Lank's morale increases to :keke: (6)
Lank's wits revealed as :) (4)

---------------------------------

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ALEX: Meat sticks lightly grilled and battered with spicy barbeque crisps. How very...decadent.

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GAL FIERI: Tell me it ain't off the hook.Your big friend over there has already passed out from the flavor explosion.

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ESME: ZzzzZZZZzz...

*Da na na NAAAAAAAA*

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LANK: *holds up bottled Swole Jims*

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GAL FIERI: Savin' some for later, eh? Smart man.

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ALEX: I'm just a tad worried at how much kip we're going to go through at this rate.

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GAL FIERI: Ehh, don't worry. I can make a flip-flop taste good.

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ALEX: Sure, there won't be as much mosquitoes in Canada, but what about grizzly bears?

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ESME: I will WRESTLE THEM. ALL OF THEM.

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ALEX: Is it just your natural reaction to do that to animals?

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ESME: Just the BIG AND SWOLE ones. For these beasts to survive the new world, they too must be introduced to MUSCLE BOMB.

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ESME: ...As is declared by the teachings of the SWOLEN ONE.

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---------------------------------
Lonely Gas Station

The group finds a gas station far off main road. Someone has looted the store and there's no zombies in sight.

The gas pumps are old, and don't seem to be functioning.

1. Leave pumps alone
2. Alex attempts to fix the pumps
3. Esme crawls into the tank

---------------------------------

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ESME: Tales speak of a great and SWOLE beast that lives in these tanks.

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LANK: HWAGH?!

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ALEX: ..Are you going to check?

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ESME: Don't be silly, unswolen one. Nothing good ever comes from gas not in cans on the DEATH ROAD.

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ALEX: Well, I'm going to try and fix it before Miss Napalm over there gets any ideas.

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GAL FIERI: *eyeballing napalm launcher* Huh, what? :)

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---------------------------------
RESULT

Alex
attempts to fix the pumps. It takes some fumbling, but she gets the pumps running.

The group collects up that precious gas.

Get 87 gas!
Alex's mechanical increases!
Alex's mechanical revealed as :geno: (3)

---------------------------------

Alex has managed to luck herself into a pretty good mechanical score! She's sitting at the point of having a chance at some of the easier cars, so now she's got a use beyond just her traits.

Unfortunately, it's not enough to attempt the starter car, which is about to go up in flames pretty soon.

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ALEX: ...Anyone want to do a sing-along?

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LANK: KYAAAAH!

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ALEX: O-okay then...


The game doesn't usually have any special lines programmed for random car reactions, thus why in the screenshot Lank is breaking character of saying only battle cries.

This also implies Lank has a really low attitude score, I believe.

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---------------------------------
Always Be Looting

While driving on the Death Road, the group decides to make a stop for supplies:

1. Apartment Row
2. Cabin Rescue
3. Rest Stop with Car
4. Explorer- Drive more - 25 gas

---------------------------------

And Alex comes in handy again. Our car is like one tick of gas usage away from breaking down, so getting that extra third option here for a free car is fantastic.

In general, it's almost always the best option if your car is going to break down and your mechanic can't do anything about it. Even the worst, most gas guzzling vehicles are better than walking events.

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---------------------------------
Roadside Car Stop

The group finds a rest stop along the road. Right in front of it is a cart that looks like it's been recently driven. The car is in great shape, but the owner is nowhere in sight.

Your zombie forecast is:
SWARM SIZE: Moderate
AGGRESSION: Hunting
CURRENT TIME: Late Afternoon

1. Check out that car
---------------------------------

* Tunes: Horsemann Shuffle *

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ALEX: ...Is this a giant dog shaped van?

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LANK: WAUGH?!

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ESME: It is MAJESTIC.

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GAL FIERI: I wish it was a hotdog van. This doesn't look like a Flavorville Express to me. I don't see this and think of deep fry baths, I think of table scraps.

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ALEX: Well, our car is about to break down and I'm pretty sure I don't know how to fix it.

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ESME: Old car is WEAK! This van is TOUGH, LIKE ME.

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LANK: HYWAAA!

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ALEX: Did that sword just shoot a laser!? :stare:

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LANK: SI-YAAAH!

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GAL FIERI: That is indeed, a laser.


When Lank upgrades his sword, he starts to get ranged beams at full health, which is a mechanic from some classic games you may have played before. It's not stealing mechanics, and if it is, it's part of the parody.

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ESME: FOOD for the FURNITURE GOD

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ALEX: Quite a bit of food leftover in these...

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ALEX: Bulletproof glass?! :stonk:

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ESME: They may block WEAK bullets, but they are no match for MY FISTS.

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GAL FIERI: These seem like the kind of folks to appreciate the smoky flavor of char.

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ALEX: *cough* Are you intending on burning this building down?! *cough*

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GAL FIERI: Sometimes the food makes you want to party so hard you bring the roof down! When you get that real Flavorville experience, you just can't help it.

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ALEX: A-aand... here's the... ugh... previous owners...

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ESME: Psh, what are bones going to do? Rise from the dead?

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ALEX: Given the zombies... it's possible...

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LANK: Ngh? Ah! :aaa:

*Sword beams*

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LANK: HYAAAAGH! *jumping strike*

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ESME: Look what you've done! You've made Brother Lank afraid of the bones too!

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ESME: I am surrounded by COWARDS :argh:

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GAL FIERI: ...Y'know, I could go for some ribs right about now.

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ESME: HYAH! KIYAH! VARNISHED OTTOMAN STRIKE!

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LANK: Hut, hah, SI-YAAAAH!

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ALEX: Why are there so many zombies in here?!

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GAL FIERI: Time to TURN UP THE HEAT!

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ALEX: Is is necessary that you all shout when fighting?

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ESME: It puts POWER into your strike! True fighters do it!

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LANK: KYAAH!

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ESME: See? You should try it sometime, unswolen one.

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ESME: Keys got!

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ESME: Dog car got!

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LANK: KYAAGH!

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ESME: GIVIN' IT!

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---------------------------------
MISSION SUMMARY

Got 14 food, total now 40
Got 25 gas, total now 103
Got 2 medical, total now 5

Total pistol ammo: 62
Total shotgun ammo: 61

69 zombies destroyed.

---------------------------------

* Tunes: Green on Green *

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ESME: Heh, nice.

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ALEX: What?

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ESME: :smug:

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LANK: *quietly eats a milk chocolate bar* :)


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Pretty good haul, although the dog van is a bit sub par. It's slow, eats gas, but is durable. It's identical to the Ice Cream Van we had last run, (which is consequently identical to the SUV which we've never seen.)

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---------------------------------
Mini Golf!

The group sets up camp at the safest place they could find around: an abandoned mini-golf park.

The group eats a decent meal.
Alex's morale increases to :( (2)

In the morning, they find a golf ball and putter while searching the area. The group decides to play a quick game!

---------------------------------

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---------------------------------
Mini Golf!

Alex gets some needed exercise!
Alex's fitness increases!

Esme gets tired of the game and loses the ball on purpose.

Esme's morale decreases to :geno: (3)
Alex's morale decreases to almost :cry: (1)
Lank's morale decreases to almost :keke: (5)
Gal Fieri's morale decreases to :) (4)

---------------------------------

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ALEX: Was that necessary?

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ESME: Not my fault that it was TOO WEAK FOR MY SWOLE.

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ALEX: You don't have to always use full power.

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ESME: BLASPHEMY!


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---------------------------------
LET'S SUMO WRESTLE

The group is trying to find supplies and stumbles on a fortified martial arts dojo. Inside is a sumo wrestler. He explains that he's surviving, but he wants to travel. Everyone left his town quite awhile ago. Even before then, there wasn't a huge demand for sumo wrestler training on the east coast of the United States.

I heard sumo is pretty big in Canada! Bigger than hockey!

---------------------------------

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ESME: What POWER! :magical:

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GAL FIERI: What an appetite!

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ALEX: They have sumo in Canada?

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LANK: *assumes sumo stance, throwing off tunic* Huh!

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ALEX: I mean I...uh... :eyepop:


While these two prepare to do battle in the ring, we have a decision, thread!

Do we take the sumo wrestler? If so, who do we replace?

User avatar
Let's drop Gal Fieri for the sumo person

User avatar
UPDATE 20: DARK WISDOM TEETH

The thread has opted to leave the Sumo, by a very narrow vote!

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SUMO: How could I have lost...?

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LANK: Huh! *brushes off hands* :smug:

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ALEX: :eyepop:

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ESME: :hmmyes:

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SUMO: No... I underestimated you. I must train more before I go to Canada!

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GAL FIERI: I once saw a bodybuilder throw a car at some zombies!

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ESME: Oh NICE!

Esme's morale increases to :) (4)

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ESME: He must have truly been TOO SWOLE TO CONTROL!

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ESME: Even perhaps... THE SWOLEN ONE. :aaa:

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GAL FIERI: Had one real big appetite too. Never thought I'd see someone eat the entirety of a moose.

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ALEX: ...Why are there moose so far south anyhow?

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---------------------------------
Always Be Looting

While driving on the Death Road, the groip decides to make a stop for supplies:

1.Crowded Yall-Mart
2.Fancy Factory
3.Grocery Store
4.Explorer: Drive more - 34 gas

---------------------------------

When in doubt, always go Y'all-Mart. Guaranteed to have some food, and a good chance to have a lot of other supplies.

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---------------------------------
Crowded Yall-Mart

The group sees a big Y'all-Mar. A large amount of undead protects the supplies scattered around inside.

Your zombie forecast is:
SWARM SIZE: Thick
AGGRESSION: Sluggish
CURRENT TIME: Late Morning

Go bargain hunting
---------------------------------

* Tunes: Rigor Mortis Rag *

This'll be easy. Sluggish aggression makes almost any horde size barely a threat.

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Of note is that Gal's Napalm Launcher does refill ammo between levels, I just don't really know by how much. It'd be terrible if it didn't, being her only weapon and all. It does only have half it's normal capacity as a balancing factor.

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ALEX: One would think this place would've had everything nicked already.

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GAL FIERI: Most folks don't have a cook who can make anything taste good.

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LANK: HYAAAAAAH!

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ALEX: Why is it always... s-skeletons?!

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ESME: HI-YAH! KYAAH! SUPER SWOLE SMASH!

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LANK: HYAAAAH! SI-YAAAAAAAGH!

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ALEX: Even though they make my ears hurt, I'm rather glad they're around, y'know?

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GAL FIERI: HUH? WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

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ALEX: :sigh:

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ESME: GIVIN' IT!


Not much really to show about this map, just the usual Y'all-Mart gameplay in a short grab-n-run.

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---------------------------------
MISSION SUMMARY

Found 18 food, total now 50
Found 35 gas, total now 99
Found 1 medical, total now 6

Total pistol ammo: 74
Total shotgun ammo: 68

78 zombies destroyed.

---------------------------------

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ESME: Lots of loot! More zombies always means better stuff.

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ALEX: You're a right nutter most of the time, but you're not wrong.

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ESME: I merely follow the TEACHINGS OF SWOLE, for they will never lead you astray.

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ESME: It is never too late to FEEL THE BURN, unswolen one.

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ALEX: You're no anoraks, but I'll still pass-

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---------------------------------
DA NA NA NAAAAAAAA!

Lank
stumbles on a treasure chest. He opens it and lifts its contents above his head.

It contained the Metal Boomerang!

---------------------------------

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ALEX: -Lank. Um, can I have my handbag back now that you're done doing... whatever you're doing?

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LANK: HYAAAGH!

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ALEX: Thanks. Anyways, what was I saying?

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---------------------------------
Ma Hooth

Gal Fieri
is having near crippling tooth pain. Without access to the precision tools needed the only option is to pull the tooth out. She weighs the current options.

1. Force it out!
2. I used to be a dentist!
3. I saw this once in a cartoon!

---------------------------------

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ESME: No, it's not possible... :aaa:

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ALEX: Huh?

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ESME: The TOOTH :gonk:

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LANK: WAWAUGH?!

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GAL FIERI: Yeah, I've had it with this. Gimme a pair of pliers!

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---------------------------------
RESULT

Gal Fieri
grabs a pair of pliers and goes to town, pulling the tooth as hard as possible. Using nothing but will to fight through the pain, she gets the tooth out quickly and with surprisingly little trouble.

Gal Fieri's strength increases to :geno: (3)

---------------------------------

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GAL FIERI: Hah, there!

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ESME: BEGONE FOUL OMEN :black101:

*stomps it into oblivion*

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ALEX: Overreaction, much?

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ESME: :argh:

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GAL FIERI: Nah, that's about right. It was a traitor to the Flavorville causpth.

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ALEX: Um, you're bleeding a bit there.

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GAL FIERI: Wha? Ah, I gustph thatsph to expethed.


And we narrowly escape what may be the most hated event in the game. It doesn't look very bad, being a Strength/Medical/Mechanical check with a boost if succeeded, but it's a notoriously random check that deals 1 hit of lethal damage if failed.

6 strength, medical, or mechanical? Who cares, it can still hit you sometimes if it wants. Much of it's infamy comes from it's seeming habit of targeting 1 HP characters and assassinating them on a RNG roll.

BERSERK characters are particularly vulnerable to the wrath of Ma Hooth.

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---------------------------------
Non-Useless Junk Shop

The group camps in a sturdy building. It seems to be an old repair shop, with busted machinery laying around.

This would be a great time to train with repairing things, but that would make a lot of noise.

The group eats a decent meal. -8 Food.

Alex's morale increases to :( (2)

1. Just go to sleep
2. Tinker all night

---------------------------------

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ESME: Already broken, how boring. Although, it is a good sign, means fellow DISCIPLES OF SWOLE have passed through here.

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ALEX: Hm, I might be able to do something with all of this stuff.

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LANK: Nwha?

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GAL FIERI: Can you make me an expanded napalm canister?

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ALEX: ...Um, probably not.

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GAL FIERI: Always time to learn!

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ESME: Psh, whatever. Be a lookout if you want.

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ALEX: Sure, I'll try to be quiet!

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---------------------------------
RESULT

Alex
spends all night taking stuff apart and putting them back together. It's very noisy.

The group will be very tired tomorrow!

Alex's mechanical increases to :) (4)

---------------------------------

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ALEX: Okay! I think I'll be able to repair the van now!

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ALEX: ...Maybe.

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ESME: I'd rather just punch it if it stops.

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ALEX: Wha-?!

*CLANG*

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ALEX: Rubbish, didn't mean to drop that.

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ESME: Again. For the seventh time.

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ALEX: ...My bad? I didn't mean to wake you up. :shobon:

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ESME: Couldn't sleep anyways. I must stay on guard after that ill omen.

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ALEX: What, the tooth thing? Is that also some 'teaching of the hench' or something?

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ESME: ...It is not. In my many attempts, the TOOTH heralds bad luck.

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ALEX: Many attempts? Wait, how many times have you...?

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ESME: ...Enough talk, time to drive.

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Everyone is TIRED

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ALEX: Well, we're all a bit knackered, but I'm sure we can just rest up at the next trading post we find. We've got plenty of food.

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GAL FIERI: Yeah, sure, whatever...

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LANK: Hup! *stretches* Aaaaaagh....

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ESME: :sigh:

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ALEX: Oh, what about over there?

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---------------------------------
Giant Spider Attack

The group tries to rest but is ambushed by a giant spider!

Well maybe it's a normal spider but it's gross looking. The spider is rapidly draining the group's morale!

1. Run in disgust
2. Smoosh spider

---------------------------------

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GAL FIERI: GET IT AWAY FROM ME

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ALEX: EWWWWWW

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LANK: EYAAAAAGGH!

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ESME: Foul fiend-!

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---------------------------------
RESULT

Esme
screams BERSERKEERR! and then OBLITERATES the spider. Only a wisp of smoke remains of it.

Esme's morale increases to :keke: (6)

The group searches the house and finds some food!

Get 2 food!

---------------------------------

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ESME: Psh. HOW WEAK.

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ALEX: Oh, thank goodness. Sometimes I don't know what we'd do without you.

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ESME: Hmph. It's just a bug.

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---------------------------------
Trading on the Death Road

Outside of Canada, most of society and civilization has been destroyed. You can still find people engaging in trade, with preserved food being the new currency.

You have 44 food left.

The group runs into a trading camp!

1. Visit Trader Camp
2. Finally Time To Spend That Food

---------------------------------

* Tunes: What Could Possibly Go Wrong? *

One random morale down on Esme later, and we've reached a camp at last. Time to show off how campfires let you rest a day so I can get this Tired debuff off before the next scheduled siege hits.

But first-

*misclick*

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HECKIN' SON OF

Didn't get to make the save backup here, so I'm locked in now. And it so happens to be a rare camp as well. :negative:

Well, I've never seen this place before. Also it happens to not have a campfire so heck me even more I guess.

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ESME: By the SWOLEN ONE, what...?

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ALEX: I never expected...this.

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ARCADEMASTER: Welcome, fellow gamers!

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GAL FIERI: Gamers?

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ARCADEMASTER: You're not gamers? Why else would you be traveling with a Legendary Hero cosplayer?

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LANK: WAUGH?! KYAAAGH!

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ARCADEMASTER: Yeah, yeah, real into character, I see. Anywaaaays...

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---------------------------------
Arcade Worker

I'm bringing arcades back! They're going to get really popular now that the internet has been destroyed.

No refunds.

---------------------------------

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ARCADEMASTER: Heh, I'd like to see 'em try to download ROMs for WAME now.

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ALEX: How are you powering these?

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ARCADEMASTER: That's a secret. You gonna play or what? No need to buy tokens, just shove food into the slots.

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GAL FIERI: How does THAT work?! Flavorville must know!

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ARCADEMASTER: Also a secret. Now please stop loitering and do something already.

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---------------------------------
DIFFICULTY SELECT

This machine gives an 80's vibe. There are golden letters onscreen that spell out: SHINY*AXE

The acrade machine to run on tokens form a different arcade chain. Esme notices this and turns to look at the arcade worker, who just gives a listless shrug and looks away.

Someone must have put a token in before you got here, the screen says ONE CREDIT REMAINING! and SELECT A DIFFICULTY:

1. Leave it for now
2. Esme plays on NORMAL mode
3. Esme plays on HARD mode


---------------------------------

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ESME: I've never seen this before. Hm...

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LANK: *stares in utter confusion*

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GAL FIERI: Do we bother? I'm getting a bad taste in my mouth.

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ALEX: Something about this whole thing is giving me the-

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ESME: IT'S A TRAP!

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---------------------------------
RESULT

An flying axe spins closer and closer, and then FLIES THROUGH THE SCREEN! They don't make games like this anymore!

Esme gets smashed right in the face by the axe, handle first! The arcade worker is pretty happy about this, as it's less cleanup than the other end would have required.

Esme is KILLED!

The screen glitches out as the axe clatters to the floor.

---------------------------------

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EVERYONE: :aaaaa:

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ARCADEMASTER: AHAHAHA! THREAT ELIMINATED!

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ARCADEMASTER: NOW YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT TO CANADA!

*THUNDERCLAP*

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LANK: AAAAAAUGH!

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GAL FIERI: GAAAAH!

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ALEX: ESMEEEEEE!

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ESME: Please don't throw my skeleton around.

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ALEX: Esme, no! :cry:

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ESME: Ahaha... I let my guard down. Should've just... smashed it all...

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ALEX: Hey, stay with me! You were right mental, but you were cool! Stay with meeeee!

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ESME: The GOD OF FUR*cough*niture... will see me returned. But this time...they got me...

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ESME: Looks like it won't be this run for me...

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ALEX: Why did you jump in front of me?! WHY?!

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ESME: You must... you... are-

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ESME: Image

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ALEX: :cry:

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ALEX: *sniff* I... I'll be fine. I don't think it's fully hit me yet.

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GAL FIERI: ...What now?

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LANK: *puts hands on hips* :(

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ALEX: ...We go to Canada.

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---------------------------------
Road Punchers 2: The New Punchers

This is an old arcade machine for the famous classic fighting games: ROAD PUNCHERS

This machine has been converted to run ofn food instead of quarters. It's 10 food to pick a character. For reasons unknown, it looks like almost all the characters are grayed out...

You have 44 food left.

1. Leave it for now
2. Pick SAGUTS - 10 food
3. Pick BRYU - 10 food

---------------------------------

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GAL FIERI: Think we should disable the rest of these traps?

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ALEX: ...Y-yeah.

*POOF*

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ALEX: What.

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---------------------------------
THE PLOT THICKENS

BRYU
is ready to test his strength on the road of punching.

Bryu's strength revealed as almost :keke: (5)
Bryu's fitness revealed as almost :keke: (5)

HADOOK! HADOOK! KADOOSHIN'!

---------------------------------

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LANK: HYAAGH! :)

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BRYU: HADOOK! :)

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ALEX: Were you trapped in there?

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BRYU: KADOOSHIN'!

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ALEX: ...I guess that's a yes. Come along if you want.

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---------------------------------
Strange Arcade Machine

This is a new looking arcade machine. There are giant letters onscreen that spell out: FIRE EXPLODERS

This machine has been converted to run on food, so the coin slot is enormous. There's only one button. Instead of any sort of gameplay, the machine displays a roaring fire behind the title...

1. Leave it for now
2. Alex plays for 10 food

---------------------------------

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GAL FIERI: I like this one. No way this one's a trap.

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ALEX: Only one way to know, get ready to duck!

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---------------------------------
Forged in the Fire

On putting in the food and touching the button, the arcade machine IMMEDIATELY EXPLODES! Real Mature!

Alex gets burnt up in a big fireball! However, she is alive and only mildly irritated.

Alex's skin feels strangely cool.

Alex is HURT!
Lose 10 food!

---------------------------------

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ALEX: OW! DANG IT!

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GAL FIERI: Holy moly, Stromboli! I love it! :swoon:

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BRYU: HWAH?

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LANK: WAAAU- guh?

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ALEX: ...Huh. It doesn't hurt as much as I'd think it would.


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---------------------------------
Mystery Arcade Game

This arcade machine has its coin slot replaced with a big drop bin that says PUT FOOD IN HERE above it.

It's not even clear what game it's supposed to be, the only thing on screen is a message that says: CONTINUE: 2 FOOD

You have 24 food left.

1. Leave it for now
2. Alex plays for 2 food

---------------------------------
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---------------------------------
RESULT

Alex
continues the arcade game. The screen is full of moving shapes. It's really impossible to tell what's going on, and yet she feels completely engrossed.

The game ends in a flash, yet it is burned into Alex's mind. There's still no clue on what the game is even called.

Alex's shooting revealed and increased!

---------------------------------

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ALEX: Fascinating...

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GAL FIERI: This one seems harmless enough.


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Alex's shooting increases!
Lost 4 food.



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ALEX: Must play again...

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GAL FIERI: Um. This doesn't seem so funkalicious.

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BRYU: WHAH!

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LANK: SI-YAAAHGH!

*SMASH*

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ALEX: What happened?! :stare:

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ALEX: Actually, nevermind, let's just go.

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* Tunes: Every Step of the Way *

...That could have gone better.

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LANK: KYAAAAAAA! KYAAAAAAAAAA! KYAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

*Swerve left*

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LANK: KYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUGH!

*Swerve right*

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BRYU: KADOOSHIN'?!

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GAL FIERI: Yeah. I don't know why I thought letting him drive would be a good idea.

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ALEX: It's... *hic* ... okay, I'll... drive ...*sniff*

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ALEX: :cry:

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LANK: WAAAUWAAAUAAAGGGH!

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Alex is fully healed by BRYU!

BRYU's medical revealed as almost :cry: (1)

Lose 3 medical.



Alex: H-huh?

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BRYU: HMPH!

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ALEX: Oh... I didn't notice my hands were burned. Um... thanks for the handwraps.

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BRYU: :)

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ALEX: I guess, you've done this before huh?

*BRAKES SCREECHING*

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LANK: HYAAAAAAAAAUUUUUGH!

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GAL FIERI: Oh, HECK!


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---------------------------------
Tunnel Gauntlet

The group accidentally disturbs a lot of undead while scouting a city. This causes a chain reaction of blunders, and they are soon surrounded. Their only chance is running through a tunnel in the road.

Your zombie forecast is:
SWARM SIZE: Very Thick!!!
AGGRESSION: Mega-Cheesed
CURRENT TIME: Noon

Try to Survive
---------------------------------
* Tunes: RNG- MEGA CHEESED *


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EVERYONE: :stonklol:


Well, this is fun.

Do note that our team still hasn't had a chance to sleep. Bryu's the only one here without tanked combat stats.

So, uh, thread, pick your favorite character on the team.

i swear all of this wasnt on purpose, thread, blame the cursed tooth

User avatar
Looks like Alex wins this vote in another close call of 6 (Alex) to 5 (Lank).

User avatar
UPDATE 21: DEATH ROAD TO RIGHT HERE

* Tunes: Rotten Shotgun *

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ALEX: Holy heck... they're EVERYWHERE!

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LANK: KYAAAAGH!

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BRYU: HADOOK!

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ALEX: Get out of my way...!

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ALEX: nnYEEAGH!

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GAL FIERI: You've still got that axe?!

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ALEX: Get...

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ALEX: OFF ME!

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ALEX: oh blimey, this thing is heavy...

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LANK: SII-YAH!

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ALEX: Keep...moving!


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LANK: Haaahh... haaahh... :sigh:

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ALEX: We may not have her guns...

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ALEX: ...but I've got THESE GUNS :argh:

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*SHOTGUN BLAST*

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ALEX: AND

*PISTOL SHOT*

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ALEX: WE'RE

*SHOTGUN BLAST*

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ALEX: MAKING IT TO CANADA

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GAL FIERI: Back up, back up! Flavorville coming through!

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LANK: WAAAUGH!

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BRYU: WUH?

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ALEX: Gas! We need this! Cover me!

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LANK: Hut!

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BRYU: HADOOK!

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ALEX: nyyyYAGH!

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ALEX: Keep going!

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BRYU: kadooshin'

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LANK: HYWAAA!

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ALEX: I've still got bullets!

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GAL FIERI: Time to crank up that heat! :keke:

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GAL FIERI: Ahaahahaha!

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GAL FIERI: AHAHAHAAAHAAA! :black101:

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LANK: :stonk:

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ALEX: Big wall ahead!

*SHOTGUN BLAST*

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ALEX: You still got some flavor left?

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GAL FIERI: You bet I do!

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GAL FIERI: It'll knock you off your feet with HEAT that you just can't DEFEAT!

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ALEX: IT'S CLEAR! Go, go, GO!

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LANK: KYAAGH!

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BRYU: SII-YAGH!

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* Tunes: One More Road *

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ALEX: ...I still can't believe that worked.

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ALEX: Heh... good work everyone.

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GAL FIERI: Hey, you were the one taking charge back there.

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LANK: Mm. *chews on chocolate bar.*

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ALEX: I guess I did, huh?

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BRYU: Hmph! Image

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---------------------------------
Choose UR Fate

The group gets a rare peaceful moment to relax on an apartment roof.

There's time to talk, and someone reveals a lot about themself.

---------------------------------

The thread chose Alex!

What, you thought this was going to be about who survived that map? That tunnel run didn't end up being that bad for being as highly rated as it claimed to be. Enough well placed shotgun blasts and napalm and we were fine- but the drama writes itself with this game.

It also helped a bit that BRYU wasn't tired like the rest of the group, but the AI really isn't good at using him it seems.

In between this and the tunnel run, there was a glimmer event and an uneventful rest, but thanks to the recording bugging out, I don't have the exact results. I chose morale+stats and I know Alex got fitness and someone else got medical, that's about it. Also we killed over 100 zombies in there, I do remember that.

Anyways, here's our current status on supplies. Pistol ammo is really low, the van's about to break down (we can repair it), and our gas is getting quite low.

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---------------------------------
RESULT

Alex
reveals her TRUE ESSENCE

Strength revealed as :cry: (0)
Fitness revealed as :( (2)
Medical revealed as :cry: (0)
Wits revealed as :geno: (3)
Attitude revealed as :cry: (0)
Composure revealed as almost :cry: (1)

---------------------------------

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GAL FIERI: So you don't remember anything?

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ALEX: I remember some things. I know couch-hopped a lot back in the UK. I think I had a brother and a younger sister, though I don't remember much about them specifically.

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GAL FIERI: And what about Esme?

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ALEX: ...She, um... *sniffle* she kinda just found me in the hospital where I woke up. I never really questioned it, or really much of anything.

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ALEX: I... *sniffle* ... I'm, uh... :(

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GAL FIERI: Still getting over it, I see.


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Alex's stats aren't much of a surprise, really. Alas, we're unlikely to find enough boosters to make that Wits stat into a stat combo. 2 points up and we'd have Paranoid, 2 points down and we'd have Irritating.

It is worth mentioning that Alex is fireproof now, although it isn't listed on the Status page.

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---------------------------------
DA NA NA NAAAAAAAA!

Lank
stumbles on a treasure chest. He opens it and lifts its contents high above his head.

It contained the: ...

Choose one:

1. Heart Container
2. Sack of Bombs

---------------------------------

This was also an earlier thread vote, and the result is BOMBS.

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---------------------------------
RESULT

Lank got the Sack of Bombs!

He can now throw three bombs every mission!

New bombs will show up in the trunk whenever they're fully used up!
---------------------------------

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ALEX: ...Good find, I guess!

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LANK: HYAAAAH! :)

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ALEX: Um, what's all the rope and oil for?

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LANK: :)

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GAL FIERI: I guess that answers that.

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ALEX & BRYU: :???:


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---------------------------------
Bustling City

The group finds a city in the afternoon. The dead swarm over it. They're idle now, but they will notice you soon enough.

Your zombie forecast is:
SWARM SIZE: Thick
AGGRESSION: Sluggish
CURRENT TIME: Afternoon

1. APARTMENT WITH 'HELP' BANNER
2. GUN SHOP

---------------------------------

* Tunes: Horsemann Shuffle *

As nice as more guns or ammo could be, we're starting to run rather low on food and gas. I'm hoping to score both from going for the rescue mission.

And as always, thickness of zombie horde is usually barely an issue if the aggression is so low.

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ALEX: First we go save whoever is here, then we loot the rest of the houses we can get into.

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LANK: Hm!

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BRYU: Hmph! Image

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LANK: HYAAAA!

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ALEX: Take THIS!


Despite Alex's minimal strength, she's managed to surprise me by getting decent mileage out of the Golden Axe. Since it does so much damage on it's own and guaranteed hits up to 3 zombies per swing, it can deal out some serious hurt.

Literally anyone else in the team could use it better, but Lank's the only one here with an open equipment slot, and his sword is already great.

If I could trade this for the Golden Knife, I'd be in a much better position, I think.

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ALEX: Here they are!

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---------------------------------
Everyone needs help sometimes

Tajuana
says that she really wants to get out of this place.

She asks if she can follow you around.

---------------------------------

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TAJUANA: Whew, girl, I was starting to think that the sign-

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TAJUANA: -what in the name of Canada

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BRYU: SASUSAKEY

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LANK: HYAAAAGH!

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GAL FIERI: Gal Fieri here, ready you to rescue you from tasteless food!

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ALEX: ...Better if you don't question it.

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TAJUANA: You ARE real, right? I ain't trippin'? :stare:

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ALEX: Yep. You haven't nodded out.

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TAJUANA: :stonklol:

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ALEX: You okay?

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LANK: HYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH

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TAJUANA: fine, just fine

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ALEX: Some sort of scoped rifle? Don't mind if I do.

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ALEX: Here, uh, Headband, can you carry this for me?

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BRYU: Hwah?

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ALEX: No, I guess. Er, Lank-

*DA NA NA NAAAAA!*

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LANK: :)

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ALEX: Please don't do that, it's loaded.

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GAL FIERI: Outta gas, but the path should be clear!

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ALEX: Alright, let's gun it!

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---------------------------------
MISSION SUMMARY

(Found 13 food, total 25)
Found 1 gas, total 71

Pistol ammo total: 63
Rifle ammo total: 45
Shotgun ammo total: 79

---------------------------------

* Tunes: Nobody Cooled It *

Food count doesn't show up as I actually had to drop a gun back off in the trunk of the van before getting the hunting rifle. This team's got an issue with having very few inventory slots.

I mostly breezed over a lot of that mission, since it's just a lot of the usual. We did get another ZOMBO POINT for what it's worth.

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---------------------------------
Rescue Successful!

Tajuana
catches up with the group at a safe spot. She offers a reward in thanks for saving her!

1. Recruit Tajuana
2. Stash of 75 bullets
3. 45 shotgun shells

---------------------------------

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TAJUANA: I still ain't sure what just happened, but y'all sure did kick some tail back there.

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BRYU: HADOOK?

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TAJUANA: Yeah, sure. Listen, I got some extra bullets if y'all want some.

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ALEX: Got some shotgun shells?

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TAJUANA: Not anymore I don't! Here ya go!

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ALEX: Alright, cheers!

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TAJUANA: Before ya go, y'all met someone called Cecile on your way here? A real dink, looks kinda like me?

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GAL FIERI: I don't think so. Sorry. Relative of yours?

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TAJUANA: Wish she wasn't sometimes, but yeah. Gonna get back to finding her.

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ALEX: Well, good luck to you, bird.

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TAJUANA: Same to you and makin' it to Canada!

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BRYU: HADOOKIN'!

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TAJUANA: (...What a buncha weirdos.)


Shotgun shells are more valuable to me than pistol bullets, even though I've already got plenty. The silenced pistol sometimes takes two shots to kill a zombie while I can clear multiple with a single, well-placed shotgun blast.

The trick to shotguns is the range at which you fire them. You don't want to point blank zombies or stand too far away, you have to find the nice middle ground where the bullet fan can connect with multiple of them zambies. Even if the shot lands a bit weak, it'll still push the zombie back slightly and make them likely to die from pretty much any other hit.

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---------------------------------
Berry Picking in Zombie Games

The group sets up camp for the night after being sure there's no danger here.

They discover edible berry bushes all around the campsite!

The berries wouldn't be a big amount of food for the sleepless night, but every bit could help.

1. Pick berries all night
2. Go to sleep

---------------------------------

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GAL FIERI: I don't know that much about berries, but as I always say, if you aren't making mistakes with your cooking, you aren't challenging yourself.

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ALEX: I dunno, seems like it'd take us forever to pick the things.

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LANK: KIYAAAH

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ALEX: Last time we went without kip like that, we ended up in a road tunnel plastered in zombies.

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BRYU: Zzzzz.... :colbert:

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---------------------------------
RESULT

The group really doesn't want to pick berries for 8 hours.

The group eats a decent meal.

Lose 8 food.

---------------------------------

Our food's not that low, and I'd rather not be tired when team heavy lifter Lank needs all of his stats to do anything. BRYU already burns through his stamina and he's got 5 fitness, I'd hate to see him while tired.

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---------------------------------
Always Be Looting

While driving on the Death Road, the groip decides to make a stop for supplies:

1. Stash in the Woods
2. Swarmed Gym
3. Gas Station Siege
4. Explorer: Drive more - 34 gas

---------------------------------

While gas is our main concern right now, I'd rather not go to a Gas Station Siege. They're usually cramped, there's the danger of propane canisters, and I'm still not entirely sure how comfortable I am with throwing this team through another siege level event. I also don't care enough about the dog van for this- if this was a Hybrid or a Muscle car I might still consider the siege.

Gonna gamble with the woods stash, as much as some strength could help Alex, I'm trying to avoid being stuck carless from gas. Worst case scenario here, we have to eat some walking events and we get a better car.

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---------------------------------
Stash in the Woods

Gal Fieri
is driving through the forest at night. She takes a wrong turn and hits the end of the road. Nearby to the north, she can barely see the shape of a cabin.

Your zombie forecast is:
SWARM SIZE: Moderate
AGGRESSION: Calm
CURRENT TIME: Nightfall

---------------------------------

* Tunes: Lootin' *

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GAL FIERI: This... isn't a campsite.

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LANK: Tuh.

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ALEX: No, it's not. Might as well check it out.


This is a peculiar setup. We're gonna be running full dark here, but the inital zombies are as about as dead as the first map zombies.

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LANK: HYWAAA!

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BRYU: kaDOOSHIN'!

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ALEX: Hey, maybe try to keep it down?

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GAL FIERI: I don't know if it's possible for those two.

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ALEX: We might just have to move fast then. :shrug:

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ALEX: Ugh...! I see this is the... previous owners...

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GAL FIERI: Hey, molotovs! Mazeltov!

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GAL FIERI: Now this is a spicy rub. You oughta take these with you.

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ALEX: Why me?

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GAL FIERI: My hands are full here. I don't drop the Flavorville Express for nothin' :geno:

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ALEX: Fine...

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ALEX: WHOA WHOA WHOOAAA! YOU DONE LOST THE PLOT?!

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GAL FIERI: Whoops. Finger slipped.

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BRYU: HADOOK! HADOOK! UWAAGH!

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LANK: KYAAAAAAGH?!

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ALEX: Headband!

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BRYU: HMPH :(

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ALEX: :mad:

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GAL FIERI: I said it was an accident!


Fieri's AI just kinda freaked out here, and decided to attack for no real reason. I presume it was because she had furniture stuck in front of her, as bots tend to try and break furniture they have issues walking past.

When your only weapon is a Napalm Launcher, well, uh, this happens.

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BRYU also got lit up from a rather far distance away somehow, and still took 2 damage. Fire is brutal.

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ALEX: I'm grabbing this, don't light it on fire.

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GAL FIERI: Jeez, whatever. What are you going to do with that anyways?

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ALEX: I don't know, but it just feels right.

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GAL FIERI: Can you even lift that?

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ALEX: ...bare...ly... ngh...

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* Tunes: They Can't Be Stopped *

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LANK: HYAAAAGH!

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ALEX: Oh, rubbish! Looks like we've made enough noise here!

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GAL FIERI: GET GOING!


Music added for effect, as it isn't actually playing on this mission normally, but here's us meeting the effects of it. At the start of this, I specified the "initial zombies" were calm. The nighttime reinforcments do spawn at the usual rate, and are at the usual aggression level.

I spent a bit too long looking for that Big Frickin' Log, but I knew there'd be some kind of log weapon on this map. Lank or someone else may end up wielding it sometime if I need more crowd control.

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ALEX: C'mon, you pants van, get going!

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GAL FIERI: Looks like she's coughing up smoke!

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LANK: WAUGH?!

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GAL FIERI: Better hurry up with that, they're getting closer!

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BRYU: Hadook! KADOOSHIN'!

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ALEX: I know, I know, now JUST START ALREADY

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ALEX: FINALLY! :sigh:

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* Tunes: What Could Possibly Go Wrong? *

We found nothing here but some food that got merged into the car's supply ahead of time. We're up to 28 now, which is nice.

When cars get low on engine durability, they get to where they don't want to start. Best thing to do is run it up to about 6 or 7, and then try again from 0 by letting go for a bit.

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BRYU is healed a bit by BRYU!

BRYU's medical increases to :(


This can sometimes happen, but unfortunately this will get lost in the save reload I end up having to do as up next...

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Trading on the Death Road

The drive to Canada used to take a few days, at most. The apocalypse filled the roads ith debris, hordes of zombies, and lots of stranded cars. It's now a long trip.

The group runs into a trading camp! You have 28 food left.

1. Visit Trader Camp
2. Ignore Trader Camp

---------------------------------

...as we've got another trader camp! We won't be voting on this one, alas, as at the end of the day, there doesn't end up being a lot here we might be able to make use of and I kinda breezed through it on my own terms.

Our gas situation is dire, and I wanted to preserve as much food as I could for what will be an inevitable car abandonment.

But, hey, we're still alive, so that's good.

I recorded a bit too much to cover again, but this strangely all took a rather short amount of real time to play through. Either way, our next vote will be another character opportunity, so maybe start thinking on whether or not you want to replace someone.

NEXT TIME: SAUL CLART, SMALL COP

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UPDATE 22: MYSTERY OF THE TINY GHOSTS

* Tunes: Green on Green *

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ALEX: Harry Hamm Memorial Mall?

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LANK: Nyuh?

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BRYU: :colbert:

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GAL FIERI: I swear I've been here before.

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ALEX: Do you know who Harry Hamm is?

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GAL FIERI: No.

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DINK: Keep dying? GIT GUD :smug:

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ALEX: ...Really?

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LANK: KYAAAA! KYAAAAAUGH! HYAAAAGH!

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DINK: :stonk:

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MooD

This man is wearing futuristic sci-fi armor and holding a matching rifle. Likely some kind of cosplay, but I don't know who because I'm not a nerd.

Nobody tells Moody what to do!

I'm Moody.

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ALEX: ...I can tell.

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MOODY: No, that's my name.

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ALEX: Oh.

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MOODY:: Got undead problems?

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BRYU: Image

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ALEX: I think the entire world's got that problem right now.

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MOODY: Hire me, and they'll be no more. Just 15 cans of food.

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GAL FIERI: That's a lot of food, even for me.

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MOODY: Believe me, I don't want to charge that much, but it's a while since I was able to rip and tear some demon scum. They just don't seem to invade these days...

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ALEX: ...

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MOODY: So what'll it be? I apologize in advance if I blow myself up, and also I want all the ammo.

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ALEX: I, er, uh... I think we'll be fine.

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MOODY: But wait, I use eco-friendly disposable space chainsaws! Back in the day I could carry 9 guns at once, and I've still got 'em all!

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MOODY: Hey, where are you going? I'm not done with my sales pitch!

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MOODY: ...I miss the moon base, this place smells bad. :smith:

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ALEX: You know, malls aren't as exciting when there's barely anything left on the shelves.

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Handy Survival Tools

This trader is waving a sturdy military flashlight around. It's an old business trick to draw in customers.

It pays to be prepared! You have 28 food left.

1. Leave
2. Healing Spray for 6 food
3. TactiCop Lite for 5 food
4. Flashlight for 1 food

---------------------------------

These traders are mostly useful for their Healing Spray, although the TactiCop is decently useful. It's a flashlight with slightly better damage and unbreakable, making it an alright weapon for low stamina characters. Still, as long as you're good with the dim circle of leaving a normal flashlight in your pocket, you shouldn't ever worry about breaking a flashlight.

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MALLCOP: WELCOME TO THE LAST MALL ON EARTH

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ALEX: Ah, didn't expect to see a bobby here.

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MALLCOP: IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS, PLEASE ASK

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MALLCOP: ALSO WE KINDLY REFRAIN FROM TURNING UNDEAD ON THE PREMISES

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LANK: KYAAAUGH?

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MALLCOP: WE DO NOT HAVE ANY POTTERY STORES, APOLOGIES

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LANK: :(

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GAL FIERI: Wait, you can understand him?

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BRYU: haDOOK! :shrug:

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MALLCOP: CHECK THE BOOKSTORE AT THE END OF THE HALL

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ALEX: Uhh... Okay then. Can I ask who Harry Hamm is?

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MALLCOP: HARRY HAMM IS THE GREATEST MALL COP TO EVER HAVE LIVED

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MALLCOP: DEFENDER OF BLACK FRIDAYS, FINDER OF LOST KIDS, AND ESCORTER OF KARENS

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MALLCOP: HARRY HAMM MEMORIAL MALL WAS MADE ENTIRELY IN HIS HONOR WHEN HE DIED IN A FREAK SEGWAY INCIDENT

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MALLCOP: I, SAUL CLART, SMALL COP, AM ALWAYS READY 2 ROCK IN HIS HONOR

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ALEX: Oooookay then.

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WEAPONS TRADER: Hey you, with the golden axe! I'll pay 15 food for that!

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ALEX: No deal.

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WEAPONS TRADER: I need that to complete my-

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ALEX: I said no deal. :stare:

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WEAPONS TRADER: :stonkhat:

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---------------------------------
Rare Books

This bookish trader talks about how she's selling valuable rare books.

Please don't mess with the display books! They're fake, I put them down to confuse book thieves.

You have 28 food left.

1. Books are for nerds
2. MORON'S GUIDE TO SURGERY - 5 food
3. THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO DOGS - 15 food
4. P.L. PLARKEN'S MAP ATLAS - 15

---------------------------------

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ALEX: P.L. Plarken's? I think I remember this.

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BOOK TRADER: It's one of the best out there.

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LANK: SI-YAAAH!

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ALEX: Lank, I don't think we've got money to spend on the dog book.

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LANK: :(

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BRYU: :(

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ALEX: Hey, don't give me that look! It's not like I don't want it too!

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LANK: *opens to page of cute puppies*

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ALEX: I, uh... :3:

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ALEX: ...Wait, no, you're not going to win me over that easily!

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GAL FIERI: Seriously, none of my cookbooks are here?!

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BOOK TRADER: You're an author?

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GAL FIERI: I'm the Gal Fieri, emissary of Flavorville and bringer of funky foods.

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BOOK TRADER: Never heard of you.

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GAL FIERI: :negative:

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BOOK TRADER: Hey, don't be down, that just means you're even rarer than my stock.

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GAL FIERI: But... I was famous...

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ALEX: Hey, can we have the surgery book, I've gotta go before he finds the pages with corgis.


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Catch up on Reading

The group now has the book, MORON'S GUIDE TO SURGERY.

Everyone gets a chane to read it and learn some new things.

Gal Fieri's medical increases to almost :cry: (1)
Lank's medical increases to :( (2)
Alex's medical increases to almost :cry: (1)
BRYU's medical increases to :( (2)

---------------------------------

These books can be rarely found in other locations, usually bookstores, and they provide a variety of bonuses. The surgery book is a party-wide medical increase, while the other two present here train Dog Lover and Explorer. The former isn't really good on Rare Characters mode and the latter is redundant with Alex present.

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Death Car to Right Here

The group runs into another car, much like their car. It's rotting, nearly totaled, and it is full of SKELETONS and probably a bunch of bugs and other gross things.

Yet another sign that many attempt the Death Road to Canada, and not very many make it.

1. BRYU- Be philosophical
2. Alex- Dismantle car for parts
3. Search car for loot
4. Leave car alone

---------------------------------

* Tunes: Every Step of the Way *

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ALEX: Oh... ughh...

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LANK: WAAUGH?!

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GAL FIERI: How many dog vans are there in this world?

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BRYU: :colbert:

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ALEX: Aah...if you could get rid of the... things. I might be able to salvage this...

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BRYU: HADOOK! KADOOSHIN'!

*Bones go flying*

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LANK: Hup! SI-YAAAGH!

*More bones go flying*

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GAL FIERI: Wow, I haven't seen a rib fly like that since that one speed eating contest in Indiana.

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ALEX: Oh, ugh... d-don't give me the mental image...

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---------------------------------
RESULT

Alex
retrieves parts and scrap to use on the car.

The repairs takes a good part of the day.

The car runs like it's in good shape. The car looks undamaged!

Alex's mechanical increases to almost :keke: (5)

The group eats a decent meal. Lose 8 food.

Bryu's morale increases to :( (2)

---------------------------------

Very good event to see, as the philosophical option is a good morale up for the whole party, (although the outcome is better if a low wits character does it,) and the mechanical option is fantastic if your character can do it.

It will never work if you're 2 mechanical under the requirement for your current car, but it will work guaranteed if you're at least one under the requirement. 2 and over and it's quick, otherwise it takes a while, and best of all, it doesn't increase the car's repair difficulty.

We're still going to run out of gas though, so this was mostly done just for the point of mechanical. Alex is high enough now to repair every normal car, with a chance to fail on repairing Hybrids. Not bad for someone who started with zero in basically everything.

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No More Creepypastas

The group is sitting around a campfire, resting before a brutal day tomorrow.

The group eats a decent meal.

Lose 8 food.

1. Tell Scary Stories
2. Just go to sleep

---------------------------------

Oh, heck you, game.

Despite having just rested as part of the previous event, it doesn't take away from the normal global rest timer.

That was a fast -16 food.

But I don't hate getting this event. We're gonna need a morale buffer.

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RESULT

The group decides to tell scary stories!

Alex makes her scary story about TINY GHOSTS!

BRYU's morale increases to :) (4)
Alex's morale increases to almost :keke: (5)
Lank's morale increases to :keke: (6)
Gal Fieri's morale increases to :keke: (6)

The group has fun, but doesn't get enough sleep and is tired the next day.

---------------------------------

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ALEX: And so she completed her training, having destroyed the ghosts of the twenty vases with the flame cannon. And that was how the FLYING FLAME BLADE technique was learned...

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ALEX: ...But as long as someone knew the secret of the tiny ghosts... THEY WOULD RETUUURN~!

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LANK: :)

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BRYU: Image

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GAL FIERI: :golfclap:


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---------------------------------
OUT OF GAS

The car has completely run out of gas, and coasts to a stop.

CAR ABANDONED!

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* Tunes: Frankenstein Goes to Jamaica *

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ALEX: Blegh, why does this have to happen every time I don't get any kip?

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GAL FIERI: Well, I always say that if you aren't making mistakes, you aren't challenging yourself.

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ALEX: I didn't really want the trip to Canada to be a challenge... :sigh:

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LANK: YAAAAGH! *clang*

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BRYU: Hyuh! *takes stance*

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ALEX: Whoa, whoa! Hold it you two!

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LANK: Hm?!

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ALEX: Just leave the car for the next set of nutters to find. No point in wrecking it- it's just out of gas.

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ANT ATTACKS

After a hard day of looking for a car the group finds a camping spot. During the night they are ATTACKED BY ANTS and must leave without sleep.

BRYU is HURT!
Alex is HURT!
Lank is HURT!
Gal Fieri is HURT!

The group is low on food, and eats less.

BRYU's morale decreases to :( (2)
Alex's morale decreases to :geno: (3)
Lank's morale decreases to :) (4)
Gal Fieri's morale decreases to :) (4)

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ALEX: Uggggghhhhhhhh

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LANK: YAAAYAAUGHHH...

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GAL FIERI: Agh, if only we had more onions! The... itching...!

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BRYU: Hmph... :(

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Cat Attack!

BRYU
is walking along the road when he is suddenly mauled by a feral cat!

Feral cats coat the United States after the zombocalpyse. You never see them, but they're always watching. Waiting for any weakness.

BRYU is HURT!
BRYU's morale decreases to almost :cry:

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BRYU: ka...dooshin'... :(

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ALEX: That's right, scarper off you darn moggy!

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ALEX: Blimey, going for a man when he's at the loo. Blasted thing.

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GAL FIERI: Just the worst. Don't even taste good.

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ALEX & LANK :stonk:

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GAL FIERI: ...What? It's a delicacy in some places.

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BRYU: :negative:

---------------------------------
BURNIN RUBBER

While walking along the road [Character] spots a gas station in the distance. Not a lot is there other than a cool looking muscle car next to the gas pump. It has the keys sitting on the dash!

Muscle cars like this have slightly worse gas mileage than average and break down fast. They're easy to repair and very fast, take it off a sweet jump!

Everyone's morale is back to where it was before we lost the car.

Start it up!

---------------------------------

Hybrid might be better on gas, but I ain't got nothin' against how easy it is to repair Muscle Cars. As long as we don't run out of gas, we can take this to the endgame.

Maybe we'll actually get to see one of those sweet jumps.

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ALEX: Hahaha! Now this is class.

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LANK: Hyup, yah, SIIIYAAAGH!

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BRYU: :hmmyes:

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GAL FIERI: Bomb. Dot. COM. Haven't seen one of these since I lost my custom when the apocalypse hit.

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LANK: ...Nh?

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ALEX: You had one of these?

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GAL FIERI: Yeah, same color on the flame decals. Built in grill AND a flamethrower- best kind of car you could ever have.

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LANK: WAUGH?!

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GAL FIERI: You betcha, Tights!

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LANK: HYAYAYAYAUUUGH!

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ALEX: What's gotten-

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---------------------------------
Giant Monster City

A giant prehistoric monster is destroying the city!

It's stomping around, obliterating buildings. Who knows how many cans of food it's crushing?

You're the only one who can stop it!

Your zombie forecast is:
SWARM SIZE: SOMEWHAT BIG
AGGRESSION: SUPER ANNOYED
CURRENT TIME: MONSTER TIME

---------------------------------

* Tunes: Half-A-Brain Boogie *

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ALEX: :supaburn:

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LANK: :black101:

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BRYU: :aaaaa:

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GAL FIERI: :wtf:

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---------------------------------
THE PLOT THICKENS

The Group drives a few feet and almost runs over the monster. 'It turned out to be someone in a monster suit, stepping on a small cardboard city.

Sorry, I'm stuck in this suit! She climbs into the car.

There's no room in the team for this monster! Who should leave?

---------------------------------

* Tunes: What Could Possibly Go Wrong? *

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ALEX: ...What.

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KAIJU: Was that your model city? I didn't mean to smash it, I promise!

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ALEX: No, it's just... uh...

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GAL FIERI: What's with the suit?

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KAIJU: Nothing weird or anything I swear! It was, um, part of a school project, I guess you'd say?

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ALEX: Sure, why not. Makes more sense than most of what is in this car.

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GAL FIERI: I still think it's something weird.

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KAIJU: Um, anyways, can you tell your friends to stand down? I'd really rather not fight them.

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BRYU & LANK: :catstare:


So thread? Do we take this person monster in a monster suit? If so, who do we replace?

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Sounds like BRYU did not win this matchup! Next update should hopefully be out on normal schedule.

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As it turns out, next update won't be on normal schedule. I'll need to take a break for a bit to get caught up with other stuff on my side. It'll be about a week to two weeks long break and everything will be back on schedule. Nothing to do with burnout, I've just got some other stuff right now that's taking up the time I usually dedicate to LP work.

This will apply to the Rune Factory Frontier LP as well, in case you're reading that. I'll be posting the same sort of thing in that thread as well.

If it's any consolation, we'll be coming back to a rather fun choice as well as the game really starting to fight back against the momentum this group of survivors has had so far.

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UPDATE 23: THERE GOES TOKYO

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RESULT

BRYU
gets booted out of the group to make room for Kaiju.

Kaiju joins the team!

Onward to Canada!

---------------------------------

* Tunes: Nobody Cooled It *


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LANK: *shrugs*

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KAIJU: Er, is the other one going to-

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BRYU: WAAAAAGGH! *runs over the horizon*

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ALEX: ... Welcome to the team, I guess?

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GAL FIERI: I still think it's something weird.

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KAIJU: :sigh:

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---------------------------------
Bomber Zombie

The group finds an abandoned safehouse. There is a bit of ammo inside.

Pistol ammo + 12
Rifle ammo + 14

On further searching, some unfinished pipebombs are in the building. Someone must have had to leave in a hurry. Messing with them could be really dangerous!

1. Leave them alone!
2. Alex- Finish making them

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GAL FIERI: Hmm, I've never tried to cook with explosives. :hmmyes:

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KAIJU: :stare:

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ALEX: Please don't attempt it now.

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RESULT

Alex
attempts to finish making the bombs.

She easily finishes them, and ends up with 6 pipebombs.

Alex's mechanical increases to :keke: (6)

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ALEX: You know, it's almost frightening how good I've gotten at this.


And with that, Alex has managed to cap Mechanical, despite starting at zero. That's a lot of skill gain!

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DA NA NA NAAAAAAAA!

Lank
stumbles on a treasure chest. He opens it and holds its contents high above his head.

It contained the Muster Sword

---------------------------------

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LANK: HYUH, HYAH, SI-YAAAAGH!

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KAIJU: Um, did he just pull that-

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ALEX: Out of a jewelry box? Yes. I'm just glad it wasn't out of the bonnet this time.

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GAL FIERI: The final form isn't even on fire? That's just disappointing.

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LANK: :mad:


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---------------------------------
Always Be Looting

While driving on the Death Road, the groip decides to make a stop for supplies:

1. Rest Stop
2. Lost Stronghold
3. Prepper Cabin
4. Explorer: Drive more - 30 gas

---------------------------------

Hoping for some more gas or a chainsaw, so prepper cabin it is. We also just need more food. The stronghold may be a better choice here, but I felt like playing it safe on the zombie sizes as everyone but Kaiju is Tired.

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Prepper Cabin

Lank
knew some people that became crazy preppers long before the zombies happened.

Their cabin is located nearby, and it's still fairly early in the day.

Your zombie forecast is:
SWARM SIZE: Moderate
AGGRESSION: Irritated
CURRENT TIME: Morning

Visit the cabin
---------------------------------

* Tunes: Lootin' *

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LANK: WAUGH?!

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GAL FIERI: Huh, I thought those were just for show.

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KAIJU: The guy who made this was, uh, very thorough.


Kaiju only has one inventory slot, but also has the native claw ability that a dog would have. With her high strength and fitness, she does pretty good with just it.

Of course, the AI is prone to picking up weapons anyways.

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Meanwhile, Lank's new M*ster Sword isn't much different than his White Sword, mostly trading knockback and the spear swing type for piercing and the wide swing type of the larger axes. I prefer crowd clear over knockback, so I'm more than happy with it.

It still shoots beams, but Lank has to have full health for that.

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GAL FIERI: I was hoping to see more food here. These are dark times for Flavorville.

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LANK: :(

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ALEX: We've got enough for tonight at least, that's what counts.

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LANK: KYAAAAAAAAA!

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KAIJU: SKREEEEEAAAAAAAA!

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GAL & ALEX: :stare:

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KAIJU: S-sorry! It just happens when it wants to. If I could control it, I would.

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ALEX: ...Somehow that managed to be louder than all the other yelling I've been hearing for the last two weeks.

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GAL FIERI: Speaking of, we just sounded off the dinner bell for the deadheads. I'm here to serve, not be served!

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RESULT

Total Pistol Ammo + 35, total now 123
Total Shotgun Ammo + 40, total now 121

44 zombies destroyed.

---------------------------------

* Tunes: Every Step of the Way *


We got a bit of food, but it didn't get listed thanks to an extra pipebomb on the floor necessitating a trip to the trunk.

In other news, we now have 7 pipebombs, 2 hunting rifles, and 2 cowboy rifles.

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Catch up on Readingg

The group now has the magazine, CARS-N-GADGETS.

Who should get to read it?

---------------------------------

We also found this in there, but it's mostly irrelevant given Alex's technical mastery.

Kaiju gets it, as it never hurts to have a backup mechanic just in case.

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RESULT

Kaiju
gets to read CARS-N-GADGETS.

She absorbs the contents! Sadly, she ruins the magazine for others due to her grimy fingers.

Kaiju's mechanical increases to :( (2)

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KAIJU: Darn.

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ALEX: Hm?

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KAIJU: Nothing in here that'll help me get this suit open. Ah well, I missed having something to read, even if it was kinda boring.

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GAL FIERI: I'm surprised you can even read in that thing.

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KAIJU: It took a while, but I got used to it. Same goes for most of this suit, really.

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GAL FIERI: ...Wait, how long have you been in there?

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KAIJU: Since the zombpocalypse started.

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ALEX: ...I'm just surprised it doesn't smell worse.

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KAIJU: The smell is the only thing I haven't gotten used to.

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GAL FIERI: Well, you know what would fix that?

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ALEX: Please don't set the person in the monster suit on fire.

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ALEX: ...Why does that sentence not seem unusual in the slightest anymore?


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LANK: HYAAAAGH! :(

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KAIJU: What's gotten into him?!

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ALEX: I think he wanted to read the book too. You kinda shredded it, mate.

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KAIJU: Whoops. That, uh, tends to happen with these claws.

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Grocery Trust Exercise

The group sets up camp outside a grocery store. They notice another group has been following them and will probably attempt to loot the place.

Send one person to loot?

1-3. Send a character
4. Let them have it, avoid trouble

---------------------------------

Alex is the natural choice here, as we already know she has 5 loyalty. As an added bonus, since she has high loyalty, she'll always bring back 6-9 food instead of 2-9.

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RESULT

The others stand guard outside for the looters as Alex searches the grocery store.

Alex brings back some food!

Alex's morale up to :keke: (6)
Get 9 food!

The group eats a decent meal.
Lose 8 food.

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LANK: *stuffs face with food* Hmrpgh!

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KAIJU: This is pretty good! So you are actually a cook. Huh.

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GAL FIERI: Not just a cook, THE COOK. What did you think I was?

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KAIJU: A pyromaniac.

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GAL FIERI: ...I am legally obligated to refrain from agreeing to that statement.


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Deep Cut

Kaiju
cuts herself pretty bad while goofing off in the post-apocalypse. She will probably need stitches for her arm.

1. Ignore it & Walk it off
2. Lank attempts to stitch it up
3. Kaiju cauterizes it

---------------------------------

This event is rubbish. I opted to attempt the stitch, as the alternatives are worse.

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RESULT

Lank
tries to suture up Kaiju's arm.

He ends up botching the stitches and making the wound worse. The bleeding stops, but Kaiju's arm heals poorly.

Kaiju's strength decreases!
Kaiju's morale decreases to :( (2)

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KAIJU: SKREEEEAAAAA

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LANK: HUAAGH! HYA! HYAA!

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KAIJU: I'm trying to stay still! But- AGH

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ALEX: ...Maybe we shouldn't have let the nutter with the sword play doctor.

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GAL FIERI: Ya think? This is why I suggested cauterizing it.

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ALEX: Fire doesn't solve everything.

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GAL FIERI: See, you say that, but...



Only way we could have avoided strength loss was to succeed this roll or cauterize, which would have instantly put Kaiju into tantrum range.

If you do have plenty of morale to spare and don't have a good doctor, just cauterize. It's only a big morale drop. On the other hand, if you succeed the sutures, you get a medical increase.

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KAIJU: These roads are awful. Cars don't last long on them.

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ALEX: You're telling me! I should at least be able to fix-

*THA-THUNK*

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ALEX: -Blimey!

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LANK: WAWAUGH!

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ALEX: Ugh, I've seen dirt roads better than this.


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---------------------------------
Trading on the Death Road

The group continues making progress along hte Death Road. As long as one person remains alive, the dream of Canada lives on.

You have 10 food left.

Not so unexpectedly, the group finds someone they can trade with:

1. Visit Trader Camp and hope for gas
2. Visit Trader Camp and hope for gas

---------------------------------

No seriously, we're running really low on gas.

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* Tunes: Green on Green *

Not looking good.

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SURVIVOR: HEY! GET OUT OF OUR HOUSE!

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GAL FIERI: Is this really your house?

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SURVIVOR: ...Um...

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ALEX: Come on, let's-

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SURVIVOR: Nah, you got me. Not my house, but I'd like it to be. Been trying to contact this real estate agency for ages, but I can't seem to get a signal.

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ALEX: Oh. Well, um... good luck with that.

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SURVIVOR: Thanks! Help yourself to some complementary rifle bullets! I keep them nicely refrigerated.

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LANK: HYAAAAGH! :)

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ALEX: That means "thanks".

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---------------------------------
Blade Master

The group meets a man who is carrying many swords. They clank around as he moves.

One day I'll make the finest zombie slicing sword ever seen! I just have to figure out how to make swords first. I'll sell you some I found!

You have 10 food left.

1. Leave him
2. Kaiju tells him to COOL IT
3. Cheap Katana for 5 food

---------------------------------

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BLADE MASTER: Forged in quntillion fold Nippon steel, this can cut through bullets!

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ALEX: Can I-

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BLADE MASTER: And here is a reproduction of the sword from Sighlander, you know the one!

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GAL FIERI: Dude-

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BLADE MASTER: Oh, is that a limited edition Moster Sword? Man, you've gotta let me try that out! I'll give you 10 food for it!

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LANK: KYAAAAGH!

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BLADE MASTER: And this, an authentic Rambeaux combat knife mk.3-

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KAIJU: SKREEEAAAAAAA


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---------------------------------
RESULT

Kaiju
tells the Blade Master to COOL IT.

The Blade Master ignores this.

He starts talking about how cool swords are and never stops. The group is forced to sneak out of the trading camp during his endless raving.

Kaiju's attitude and wits revealed as :cry: (0)

---------------------------------

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BLADE MASTER: Now this one right here, a nodachi of cold steel can cut any kaiju down with ease-

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KAIJU: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

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BLADE MASTER: Some old guy once told me to set aside my dream of blades in favor of flamethrowers, but then I realized he was full of it! SWORDS FOREVER, BAYBAY!

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GAL FIERI: RUN FOR THE CAR!


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Welp. There was pretty much nothing there we could buy, and zero sources of gas.

On the bright side, at least we know Kaiju qualifies for cool it shenanigans.

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GAL FIERI: Maybe if we leave the zombies alone they'll leave us alone.

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KAIJU: I don't think that's going to work.

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GAL FIERI: Well, your plan isn't going to either!

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LANK: YAAAAGH!

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ALEX: Hey, stop with argy-bargy!

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KAIJU: ...Who even says that?

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GAL FIERI: I don't want to lose the Flavorville Express! Not again!

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ALEX: We'll find some more gas soon! Now just-

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LANK: YAYAAAUGH! KYAAAH!

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ALEX: What? What is-

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---------------------------------
Factory Complex

The group gets overwhelmed by a horde, and flees for a nearby factory. There must be another way out inside.

Your zombie forecast is:
SWARM SIZE: Thick
AGGRESSION: Hunting
CURRENT TIME: After Dark

---------------------------------

* Tunes: Half-A-Brain Boogie *

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ALEX: Oh. Bloomin' marvelous.


This one's going to prove to be a bit of a challenge, in part thanks to the time.

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LANK: HYWAAA!

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ALEX: C'mon, move your bums! We've got to push through!

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LANK: SI-YAAAH! KYAAA! YAAAGH!

*Shotgun blast*

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ALEX: It's like a solid wall of them!

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KAIJU: I can only claw so many!

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GAL FIERI: This way! We'll go around!

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LANK: HYAAA!

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ALEX: Alright, sounds- ngh-

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ALEX: AGH!

*Shotgun blast*

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ALEX: Aaagh, that'll show you!

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LANK: WHUH?

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KAIJU: You okay?

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ALEX: I... I'll live! Let's go! Keep going!

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GAL FIERI: Way ahead of ya!

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ALEX: Ngh, this is getting dodgier by the second!

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GAL FIERI: Back up! I've got this!

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GAL FIERI: Here's a little spice for you!

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GAL FIERI: Not too bad, if I say so myself.

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ALEX: Looks like the way is clear, let's go!

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LANK: HYWAAA!

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KAIJU: Was this a zombie factory or something?!

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The loot room on this map didn't have any gas in it. Tragic.

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LANK: KYAAAAAAAAAAA!

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ALEX: Phew... always glad you're on our side, Lank.

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LANK: :)

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KAIJU: We've got a lot coming up from behind us!

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GAL FIERI: Crank up that heat! :black101:

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GAL FIERI: Outta juice!

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ALEX: We'll have to hope that's enough. The exit's gotta be around here somewhere!

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LANK: Hup, hyah, SI-YAAAAA!

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KAIJU: There it is!

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GAL FIERI: Finally!

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* Tunes: One More Road *


Bleh, that one was actually tough for normal mode.

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---------------------------------
Glimmer of Hope on the Death Road

The group feels inspired after managing to survive that situation!

They feel like they are getting the hang of this...

Choose a reward for the group:

1. Morale and random skill gain
2. Strength
3. Fitness
4. Gal Fieri- +2 Shooting :lol:

---------------------------------
RESULT

Running from zombies all day is a great form of exercise.

Kaiju's fitness increased to almost :keke: (5)
Alex's fitness increased to :geno: (3)
Lank's fitness increased to almost :keke: (5)
Gal Fieri's fitness increases to :geno: (3)

---------------------------------

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ALEX: Well, we made it out alive. Things can only go up from here, right?


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---------------------------------
OUT OF GAS

The car has run completely out of gas, and coasts to a stop.

CAR ABANDONED!

---------------------------------

* Tunes: Frankenstein Goes to Jamaica *


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ALEX: ...Oh, right. :sigh:

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GAL FIERI: Farewell, Flavorville Express 2! :cry:


WHAT AWAITS OUR KOOKY CREW? FIND OUT NEXT TIME, ON

DEATH ROAD TO CANADA
Last edited by Odd Wilson on Tue Jan 04, 2022 4:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
Early-ish update to bring us back after the two week break. Consider it a New Year's gift! Next update will be out sometime next week, maybe Friday if I feel like I want to line back up with the original schedule.

I was busy with other things these last two weeks, and I've not had too much time to myself, unfortunately. Still, I managed to fit a few more solo marathon attempts in today, but none got past 10 days this time around. Forced siege in the mall took most of them down.

User avatar
UPDATE 24: TALE OF SWOLDA: MADOKA'S MASK

* Tunes: Frankenstein Goes to Jamaica *

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---------------------------------
Free Boot

The group spots an old boot on the road. It doesn't look like it's anyone's size, but it's free!

This is surely a symbol of good luck.

1. Get that boot
2. Ignore boot

---------------------------------

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KAIJU: Can you cook this?

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GAL FIERI: Are you kidding me? I can cook anything.

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KAIJU: Can you make it taste good, though?

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GAL FIERI: Are you kidding me? Boot leather never tastes good. Physically impossible.

*DA NA NA NAAAAA*

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LANK: :)

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ALEX: Lank, why are you-

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ALEX: You know what, nevermind. You do you.


Believe it or not, this actually does modify the RNG.

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---------------------------------
Reluctant Bandits

Without a car, the group is a sitting duck for bandits.

The group is ambushed by awkward bandits that apologize for the robbery. They are likely new at this.

They demand the remainder of your food, and a quarter of yoru ammo and medical supplies.


1. Give in to bandit demands.
2. Refuse and fight!

---------------------------------

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LANK: KYAAAA!

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KAIJU: Oh, for- come on!

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GAL FIERI: Hey, at least they apologized. That's pretty funky.

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ALEX: ...Fine. Here, I'll go sort out the kit. :sigh:

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KAIJU: Wait, we're just going to give it up? Even after you gave us all these guns?

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LANK: WAAUGH?! KYAAUGH?!

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ALEX: Gal's out of juice, and I'm not exactly in- ngh- the best of condition, if you haven't noticed.

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ALEX: ...Oh, I don't fancy doing this...



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ALEX: Hey, um, it's fine if we keep our guns loaded, right? You wouldn't want us to get hurt, would you...? :shobon:

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BANDIT 1: ...I think that's fair, right?

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BANDIT 2: Uhh...Y-yeah! That's, um, based! you're not a bunch of cringelords. Gotta balance out the ratio of cringe to based in the world.

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ALEX: Ohh, thanks so much~! Here you gooo~! :keke:

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BANDIT 2: Say, er, would you like to go-

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---------------------------------
RESULT

The group decides to play it safe. They give into the bandits' demands.

Lose all food!
Lost 8 pistol ammo!
Lost 6 rifle ammo!
Lost 18 shotgun ammo!

Kaiju's morale decreases to :geno: (3)
Alex's morale decreases to almost :keke: (5)
Lank's morale decreases to almost :keke: (5)
Gal's morale decreases to almost :keke: (5)

---------------------------------

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ALEX: Blegh, that was rubbish. At least those dinguses fell for it pretty easily.

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GAL FIERI: Sure, we saved a bunch of ammo, but what about the FOOD?

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ALEX: We'll find more, just- argh... give it some time.

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KAIJU: ...You sure you're doing fine?

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ALEX: Y-yeah. I'll live. Honestly, being so beat up might have helped me back there.

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KAIJU: It might also have something to do with how everything you're wearing barely fits.

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ALEX: Firstly, I didn't want to wear this. Secondly, this is coming from the person in the dinosaur suit.

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GAL FIERI: She's got you there.

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KAIJU: ...Dang it.


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And that's how you exploit the game to retain ammo and gas from events. Just equip people with guns/gas weapons while in travel mode/event choice to stick the respective ammo into their inventory. You can't save food or medical with this, but it's great nonetheless.

Of course, this won't matter if bandits literally take your weapons too, as that will take what you're holding.

Had we fought there, Alex would have died. 10 food and a few bullets to save a character is more than fine with me.

------------------------------

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BANDIT 1: ...Dude, I think we got ripped off.

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BANDIT 2: Nah man, they were rolling melee. It's the based thing to do.

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BANDIT 1: They had like, five guns.

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BANDIT 2: ...Wait, they did? :aaa:

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BANDIT 1: Yep. You were too busy staring at her shoulders weren't you? :cripes:

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BANDIT 2: ...It's, er, the based thing to do. Yeah... that... :doh:

------------------------------

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---------------------------------
Last Stop Junk and Salvage

The group walks to a junkyard with a car pulled up to the front of it. The car looks it will run, and it might be the last one you see for awhile.

Your zombie forecast is:
SWARM SIZE: Thick
AGGRESSION: Calm
CURRENT TIME: Late Morning


Explore Junkyard
---------------------------------

Well, time to get a new car. It'll probably be bad, but I'll take anything.

I think it's also time I show off a mechanic I haven't touched on.


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ALEX: Hey, er, if you don't mind... can I sit this one out? I'll watch our stuff, just come pick me up when you get the car.

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LANK: HYAAGH! *thrusts sword to the sky*

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KAIJU: Sure, whatever. Can we at least have your guns?

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ALEX: Yeah, I'll just keep the silenced pistol. Here, Lank, catch- you're in charge.

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LANK: *pumps shotgun* KYAGH!

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KAIJU: Hey, what about me?

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ALEX: You already took my axe.

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KAIJU: What do you mean? This axe is mine.

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ALEX: ...Wait, I thought I left that thing at the arcade.

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GAL FIERI: You've been holding onto it for dear life the entire time.

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ALEX: :stare:

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GAL FIERI: Anyways, I'm bored and my feet hurt. I want a car.


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I'm not taking any risks here, so Alex is sitting this one out so that there's zero chance she loses the last bit of her health. Junkyards have a lot of object clutter, and it can be easy to get cornered.

Lank's leading this little excursion.

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*dada-ling*

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LANK: SI-YAAGH!

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GAL FIERI: Well, at least it's some food. Nice job, tights.

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KAIJU: Why is the crazy guy with the sword in charge, anyways?

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LANK: KYAAAA! Hup, hyut! KYAAAAAGHAA!

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GAL FIERI: ...Is that enough of an explanation for you?

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KAIJU: I have a feeling it's the only one I'm getting.

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KAIJU: Hey, wait up!

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LANK: HYAAAAGH!

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LANK: KYAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

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GAL FIERI: Hm. Trashburgers. I might be able to give those the Flavortown Special Treatment. You don't have to eat the whole burger, after all.

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KAIJU: Ugh, I just want to know why the only food that survived is burger flavored. Like, all of it.

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GAL FIERI: The truth was all covered up by BIG BURGER CORPORATIONS. :tinfoil:

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LANK: WAWAUGH?!

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KAIJU: The what...?

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GAL FIERI: Shush! They're still listening, somewhere out there... those vile purveyors of tasteless deep fry oil alongside soulless searing...

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GAL FIERI: Anyways, just eat around the mold. Or eat it too, it's got some nutritional value.

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*DA NA N-*

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KAIJU: Do you have to do that every time?

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LANK: :(

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GAL FIERI: Well, let's go see what the keys are for.

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LANK: KYAAAGH!

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KAIJU: A burger truck now seems... oddly accurate.

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GAL FIERI: Big Burger is watching :tinfoil:

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LANK: YAAAYAAAAAUGH!

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KAIJU: WHY DID WE LET HIM DRIIIIIIIIVE

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GAL FIERI: It's more fun this way- WOOOOOO

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KAIJU: AAAAAAAAGH

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---------------------------------
MISSION SUMMARY

Got 4 food!
Got 64 gas!
Got 1 medical, total now 2.

Total pistol ammo: 121
Total rifle ammo 176
Total shotgun ammo: 105

37 zombies

---------------------------------

Pretty fast, get in, get out affair. At least we got enough for a half meal.

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---------------------------------
Boring Stop

The group finds an empty spot along the road that looks as good for camping as any.

The group is low on food, and eats less.

Lose 4 food!

Kaiju's morale decreases to :( (2)
Alex's morale decreases to :) (4)
Lank's morale decreases to :) (4)
Gal Fieri's morale decreases to :) (4)

---------------------------------

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ALEX: Well, at least we've got a car. We'll get some more food soon.

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KAIJU: You know, if we hadn't given up our food to those dinguses, we wouldn't be eating half molded trashburgers.

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ALEX: Yeah, well, not everyone has a protective suit here. We're pretty roughed up as is- we couldn't afford to be any more beat up.

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GAL FIERI: You gonna eat the rest of that? If you put paprika on the orange stuff, now that's an exotic flavor.

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KAIJU: By "exotic" you mean barely palatable, right?

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GAL FIERI: If you only ever eat good food, it'll stop tasting so good.

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Alex is healed a bit by Lank!

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ALEX: Oh, uh... you could have used that on yourself. You really didn't have to-

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LANK: *shakes head*

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ALEX: Well, it feels a lot better now. Thanks!

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LANK: :)

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---------------------------------
Choose UR Fate

Five bandits ambush the group while they are about to sneak into a zombie infested house. The bandits speak in a half-whisper, afraid to attract undead attention. They say to hand them over some supplies, or they'll yell.


1. Don't have the food!
2. Kaiju tells Bandits to 'Cool It'
3. Call bluff

---------------------------------

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ALEX: (Okay, I don't think the cutesy girl thing is going to work here again.)

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LANK: (*mmpgh mmph MMPGH*)

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KAIJU: (okay don't screech, don't screech, don't screech)

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GAL FIERI: Hey, nerds, we don't have any food. That's why we're in here.

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---------------------------------
RESULT

Gal Fieri
explains that the group doesn't have enough food.

The bandits think that this is a lie!

The bandits were all talk, and don't make a sound when their bluff is called. The group goes back to the car as the bandits creep away.

---------------------------------

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GAL FIERI: FINALLY, some people who recognize my fame.

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ALEX: Um, Gal, bird, I think they were just afraid of the napalm launcher.

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GAL FIERI: To be fair, a lot of my fans gave me that reaction when they first saw the Flavorbeast.

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KAIJU: "Flavorbeast"?

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ALEX: Is that even what you called it before?

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GAL FIERI: Of course it is! I swear, your amnesia is getting worse.

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LANK: *mmpghgmmpgh*

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ALEX: Oh, sorry.

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LANK: Aaaaah! KYAAAAGH! :mad:


This event is really random. Whether or not they think you're lying is random, whether or not it is a bluff is random- it's a really unpredictable one. Most of the team is still sitting on 2/3 HP, so I'm happy to avoid more damage at the cost of some COOL IT.

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---------------------------------
City in the Storm

A storm descends on the group. In the pouring rain, the zombies of this city search for the living!

Your zombie forecast is:
SWARM SIZE: Moderate
AGGRESSION: Hunting
CURRENT TIME: Late Afternoon

1. UMBRELLA SHOP
2. BOOK STORE

---------------------------------

* Tunes: Rigor Mortis Rag *

Hm. Umbrellas really only matter if it rains while on foot, and I'd like more skill points, so the bookstore it is.


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ALEX: Gal! Why'd you get out on that side of the car?!

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GAL FIERI: I dunno. These zombies are really riled up, aren't they?

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KAIJU: The rain does that to them for some reason.

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ALEX: Hya!

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ALEX: Hey, Lank, this boomerang of yours is pretty good!

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LANK: KYAAAGH!

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GAL FIERI: Ugh, we've got more coming!

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ALEX: Blimey, are you bleeding?

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KAIJU: You sure it's not just her supply of ketchup or something?

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GAL FIERI: Actually, let me check-

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KAIJU: Ew.

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GAL FIERI: Yep, definitely blood. My homemade ketchup is safe.


For whatever reason, Gal's AI was being a major dink on this run, lagging way behind the group for no discernable reason.

She was literally right beside Alex when I entered the store and just kinda started freaking out at the entrance.

Oh, and speaking of weird AI, it turns out that randomly lost ammo that keeps happening with her is not an AI thing. The napalm launcher just passively consumes ammo when held out, like a revved but idle chainsaw. That actually really hurts the viability of the Pyro/Specialist build, which was already shaky to begin with.

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GAL FIERI: There! That'll keep em off our back.

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ALEX: If it doesn't burn the whole building down, that is!

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KAIJU: Moron's Guide to Surgery, Volume II?

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LANK: HYWAAA!

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ALEX: Given how much we're getting hurt recently, we're going to need it. Lank, you can carry it.

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KAIJU: Oh, hm. There might be some good reading in here.

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LANK: HWUH?

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ALEX: "The Anime Store"?

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GAL FIERI: May I restate my belief that the suit is some kind of weird thing?

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KAIJU: I told you that it's not! It's, um... a long story.

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ALEX: Hey, other survivors!

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KAIJU: Wait a second...

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---------------------------------
The Anime Club

Clyde
seems troubled and nervous. Not because of Alex, just in general.

I guess we can help you out, but it's not because we like you or anything!

---------------------------------

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CLYDE: B-besides, the hordes are, um, coming...

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ALEX: Yeah, it's something about the rain.

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---------------------------------
The Anime Club

Mark
looks at Alex with a quiet sense of superiority.

I guess we can help you out, but it's not because we like you or anything!

---------------------------------

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ALEX: Are you all going to say that?

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MARK: If you were of our caliber, you'd understand.

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ALEX: I'm already having second thoughts about this.


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---------------------------------
The Anime Club

Dave
doesn't say anything, but starts following Alex.

I guess we can help you out, but it's not because we like you or anything!

---------------------------------

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DAVE: ...

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CLYDE: I, uh, t-think Dave's coming with.

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ALEX: Sure, whatever.

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MARK: Power in numbers, a self-evident truth of war.

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ALEX: Is he going to be doing this the entire time?

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MARK: The answer to that should be obvious...

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ALEX: :geno:

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---------------------------------
Anime Found

Alex
finds an anime titled I CAN'T BELIEVE MY FIANCE IS SOME KIND OF FISH CREATURE!

It's a comic about a woman who has a dreary job in an office. Her life is brightened by getting a pet fish that has a human face and talks.

The plot involves them having to eventually get married due to a wizard's curse.

---------------------------------

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LANK: WAUGH?! :raise:

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GAL FIERI: So weird.

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MARK: You could never understand...

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ALEX: Given how the whole world's lost the plot, I wonder how long until these things become reality.

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CLYDE: H-hopefully soon! Imagine a dark magical girl coming to save us from the zombpocalypse! Just l-like REAPER RED WITCH Z- 5TH PENTAGRAM!

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DAVE: :golfclap:

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MARK: A fish fiancee would still be better. For obvious reasons.

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---------------------------------
The Anime Club

Mort
seems irritated by Alex's existence.

I guess we can help you out, but it's not because we like you or anything!

---------------------------------

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KAIJU: YOU!

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MORT: H-huh?! That suit, it's not-

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KAIJU: You better believe it's poss-

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KAIJU: SKREEAAAAAAA!

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GAL FIERI: Oh, so you two know each other?

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MORT: So...Kaitlyn Juniper, so we meet again. *pushes up glasses*

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KAIJU: Give me my five hundred bucks, you nerd!

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MARK: The US Dollar Bill lost it's value when-

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KAIJU: I don't care! You don't trick me into wearing this dumb suit and ran out on the date without paying!

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GAL FIERI: Aha! I told you it was something weird! I told you all!

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ALEX: I am deeply confused and I want no part in this. :rolleyes:

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MORT: I don't see why-

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KAIJU: I HAVE BEEN IN THIS SUIT FOR MONTHS, PAY UP

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MORT: O-okay fine! The money's, uh, in one of the houses nearby.

-----------------

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CLYDE: D-dude, how did you get THE Kaitlyn Juniper to agree to that? I t-thought you were joking!

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MARK: Indeed, the chances seem to be that of the average gacha roll.

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MORT: Um, does either of you maybe have.. er, half a thousand dollars?

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CLYDE: ...Oh no.

-----------------

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---------------------------------
Mysterious Anime Box

Lank
finds a box of anime. It contains a bunch of anime girl masks.


1. Leave it alone for now.
2. Lank puts the anime mask on

---------------------------------

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ALEX: Lank? Hey, where did you-

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LANK: NGH AGH YAAAAAAAAGH

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---------------------------------
RESULT

Lank
is now officially an anime girl! Nice!

---------------------------------

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ALEX: Aaaaaalright then.

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LANK: KYAAAAAAH ♪

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KAIJU: Why.

ImageImageImageImage
THE ANIME CREW: :magical:

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KAIJU: Until I get my money, I'm taking your anime!

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CLYDE: *gasp*

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MARK: Ngh! *looks away*

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DAVE: ...! :aaa:

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MORT: No...! :argh:

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KAIJU: I'm not seeing my money, Mort!

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MORT: I-it's, um, the next house! Yeah!

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There is absolutely too many characters here.

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GAL FIERI: Food! Glorious good eating! Finally!

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ALEX: Not much, but it'll do!

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KAIJU: That's it, pay up!

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MORT: I don't have it, okay?!

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LANK: HYAAAAH?! ♪

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* Tunes: They Can't Be Stopped *

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ALEX: Hey, mates, I think we've got more important things to worry about!

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GAL FIERI: Yeah, forget this pointless drama, we've got to go!

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MORT: B-but... my limited edition copy of Sandwich-chan!

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KAIJU: You should have - SKREEEEAAAAAA

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KAIJU: Yeah, you know what? See you never, nerds!

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---------------------------------
MISSION SUMMARY

Found 7 food.

Total gas: 38
Total medical: 2
Total pistol ammo: 152
Total rifle ammo: 196
Total shotgun ammo: 112

---------------------------------

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CLYDE: G-great. Just, great. H-how are we supposed to subsist on anime if we don't have any anime?!

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MARK: Mort... :cripes:

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MORT: Yeah?

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DAVE: You're a dink.


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---------------------------------
Catch up on Reading

The group now has the book, MORON'S GUIDE TO SURGERY.

Everyone gets a chance to read it and learn some new things.

Gal Fieri's medical increases to :( (2)
Lank's medical increases to :geno: (3)
Alex's medical increases to :( (3)
Kaiju's medical increases to almost :cry: (1)

---------------------------------

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LANK: HYWAA! ♪

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ALEX: I guess that means you're getting better at it.

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KAIJU: That reminds, me, I might as well read that manga.

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---------------------------------

Kaiju
finds an anime called:

SANDWICH-CHAN: It's a graphic novel about a magical anime girl who is also a sandwich that lives in a refrigerator. Or maybe it's a sandwich that is also a magical anime girl. The plot is a little difficult to follow.

---------------------------------

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KAIJU: This just kinda made me hungry.

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GAL FIERI: Speaking of hunger, I don't know if we ended up with enough food.

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ALEX: I guess it's another ration day.

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Gal Fieri is healed a bit by Lank!

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GAL FIERI: Uh, thanks. I feel it necessary to inform you that the mask is very creepy, and not funky at all.

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LANK: HYAAAAAAGH! ♪

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KAIJU: I mean, I thought he was just into cosplay, but I uh... I don't really know what to say about this.

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---------------------------------
Can Shooting Practice

The group camps out in a big field.

The group is low on food, and eats less.

Lose 4 food!
Kaiju's morale decreases to :( (2)
Alex's morale decreases to :geno: (3)
Lank's morale decreases to :geno: (3)
Gal Fieri's morale decreases to :geno: (3)


1. Leave the camp.
2. Shoot the cans.

---------------------------------

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GAL FIERI: Man, I was hoping these antique cans would still have soup in them or something.

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KAIJU: Ughh... why can't we find any more food than this?! I swear, if Sandwich-chan was here, I'd probably eat her.

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LANK: WAWAUGH? ♪

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GAL FIERI: ...Why is everything so much weirder all of the sudden? :stare:

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ALEX: Is it? I really can't tell anymore. Only thing I've noticed is that you're crankier than usual.

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GAL FIERI: I'm a professional chef without any food, what do you expect?

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ALEX: At least the horizon is rather pretty. I think we're getting pretty close to Canada by this point.

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KAIJU: I'd say we're not too far off now. Maybe 3 days away?

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GAL FIERI: That's what that one sign says, at least. Seriously.

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ALEX: "3 Days to Canada". Huh.

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KAIJU: Funny to think that if I had gotten my money back then, I could have gotten my car fixed and I would've been not stuck in this suit and resting easy in Canada for months now.

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GAL FIERI: Wowwww, that's what this whole thing is about? I thought Pinky here sold out the other day, but this just takes the steak.

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ALEX: Please don't call me that.

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---------------------------------
Hand Upgrade

The group finds a makeshift surgery room. In one corner is a skeleton with a double barrel shotgun and prosthetic chainsaw hand, both empty.

Chainsaw hand? That seems like a good idea!

Replace someone's hand with a chainsaw:


1. Loot supplies instead
2-4. Pick a party member

---------------------------------

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GAL FIERI: Oooooooooh!

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LANK: KYAAAAA! ♪

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KAIJU: A chainsaw hand?

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ALEX: I'm not so sure about this...


And here is where we end the update! Who gets the CHAINSAW HAND, or do we just leave it alone and take all the MEDICINE?

Something worth mentioning is the weird way this event works. For whatever reason, the chainsaw hand insists on being put in the first slot, but will replace any fixed item in said slot.
If given to Lank, the M*ster Sword is replaced.
If given to Kaiju, she's left without any other usable slots.
If given to Gal, her napalm launcher is removed, but because she's a Specialist, she gets an extra inventory slot.
It works fine on Alex, giving her a permanently fixed slot, but she also has 0 strength and will struggle to start the thing.

Honestly, the way this affects most of our characters is rather uncool and majorly detrimental. If you do decide to give the hand to anyone but Alex, there may be some M*A*G*I*C involved. Because a chainsaw hand should be cool.

Well, get to voting!

User avatar
UPDATE 25: Empty Jars of Protein Powder

* Tunes: Rigor Mortis Rag *

The thread has opted for no chainsaw hands today.

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---------------------------------
RESULT

Instead of going through with all the hand replacement surgery, the group loots all the medical supplies in the room. There's even a Healing Spray!

Get 9 medical!

Alex manages to convert the chainsaw hand into a normal wieldable chainsaw!

(You also get the DB shotgun, but the game doesn't mention it.)
---------------------------------

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ALEX: I'm not sure why we were seriously considering sawing someone's hand off for this.

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KAIJU: Yeeeaaaah, on second thought, it maybe wouldn't have been the best idea.

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LANK: :(

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GAL FIERI: I still think it would've been rather funky, but only half as cool as a Hand Flamethrower. That'd be one real Iron Chef.


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Lank is fully healed by Lank!

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LANK: KYAAAAA! ♪

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KAIJU: Before I could never really tell if he was in pain or, like, excited or something. Now it's just even more confusing.

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ALEX: I think he's hungry.

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GAL FIERI: Who here isn't? Sometimes it's a curse that I can make food taste so good- just leaves you wanting for more.

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ALEX: I think the issue here is that we're not getting enough nosh in general, not having cravings.

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KAIJU: Not gonna lie, I'm actually kinda craving trashburgers right now.

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LANK: KYAAUYAUGH!♪ :hmmyes:

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GAL FIERI: All I've got is barbecued boot leather. Sorry.


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---------------------------------
The Last Bodybuilder

The group enters an abandoned gym. There, on a throne of old protein powder jars, sits a bronzed bodybuilder.

I AM... THE LAST BODYBUILDER! YEAH!!!

He FLEXES and GRUNTS, in a mournful manner.


1. Ask for strength tips.
2. Try to recruit him.
3. Lank starts a flexing contest.

---------------------------------

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ALEX: Oh, blimey... he's hench! :aaaaa:

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LANK: WAUGH?♪

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TLB: Only the HENCHEST.

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KAIJU: Protein powder! Food!

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TLB: They're all empty. *MOURNFUL GRUNT*

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GAL FIERI: Darn. I was about to recreate that Swole Jim sponsored feast.

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TLB: ...

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ALEX: ...Hey, uh, this might be weird, do you know of the Swolen One?

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TLB: I do, for I AM HE.

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TLB: ...Or at least I was. *MELANCHOLY FLEX*

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GAL FIERI: "Was?"

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TLB: In these troubled times, another person of GREAT SWOLE has unofficially taken my name.

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ALEX: So the Disciples of the Forbidden Pump aren't yours? I had a, um, friend who was one...

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LANK: :(

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TLB: I see their LEGACY continues. But no, they are no longer mine. They all opted for a most DANGEROUS road....

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TLB: POWER without DISCIPLINE.

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ALEX: Well... that does describe her. I still think she would've liked to meet you... :cry:

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TLB: I would have LIKED to meet her as well. Alas... *DEPRESSED POSING*

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TLB: ...But I would also LIKE to see you all to CANADA.

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---------------------------------
Getting Pumped with T*L*B

THE LAST BODYBUILDER
gives the group some excellent tips on getting swolled up during the post-apocalypse.

The advice is so good that a pump is felt immediately, no working out required.

Kaiju's strength increases!
Alex's strength increases to almost :cry: (2)
Lank's strength increases to almost :keke: (5)
Gal Fieri's strength increases to almost :keke: (5)

---------------------------------

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TLB: ...those are the beginning doctrines of the original SEEKERS OF SWOLE. Go forth, and seek CANADA and SWOLE.

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ALEX: Wait, you're not coming with us?

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TLB: I... I must STAY here for personal REASONS. Be SAFE, be SWOLE, and beware the so-called GOD OF FURNITURE. *FAREWELL FLEX*

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LANK: SI-YAAAAAUGH!♪ *thrusts sword to the sky*

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GAL FIERI: ...Darn, there really isn't anything in these jars.

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KAIJU: I have no idea what's going on, I'm sure it's got some kind of earlier plot relevance but I'm just hoping for food.


T*L*B is a good find, but a niche party member. There's not really anyone I can consider replacing, not even Gal, who's going to see her best use here in the end.

I do kinda wish I had found this before the Hand Chainsaw event though. This would've been a much better vote.

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ALEX: Well, I think things are going to start looking up.

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GAL FIERI: You might want to look down at the dashboard.

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ALEX: Huh?

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---------------------------------
OUT OF GAS

The car has run completely out of gas, and coasts to a stop.

CAR ABANDONED!

---------------------------------

* Tunes: Frankenstein Goes to Jamaica *


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ALEX: Bloomin' marvelous.

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LANK: HYYYYAAAGH :argh:

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KAIJU: Sometimes I wish it was possible to walk to Canada.

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GAL FIERI: What do you mean "sometimes?"


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---------------------------------
Bottomless Pit

While walking, Lank doesn't notice a hole in his backpack.

By the time he realizes this, there had been hours of opportunity for supplies to fall through.

Lank's morale decreases to :( (2)
Lose 2 food!
Lose 4 medical!
Lose 10 pistol ammo!
Lose 13 rifle ammo!
Lose 7 shotgun ammo!

---------------------------------

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KAIJU: Ugh, really? You didn't think shoving your sword in there was going to put a hole through it?

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LANK: KYAAAAAGH!♪

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ALEX: Would you two chi-



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---------------------------------
All Dirty

While walking through the woods Alex doesn't pay attention to where she is going and falls into a deep puddle of water. Her gear is fully submerged, putting supplies in danger.

Lose 2 medical!
Lose 10 pistol ammo!
Lose 14 rifle ammo!

Alex's morale decreases to almost :cry: (1)

---------------------------------

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ALEX: -iiiIIIILLLLL

*splash*

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ALEX: Blebpethtlbelgelelghhhh.... :argh:

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GAL FIERI: Yeah, this is exactly why I just do tailgates. Hiking just leads to this.

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ALEX: Ughhhh... those meds sure lasted a while.


I avoided the majority of the ammo loss by pre-equipping the group as soon as the car went, but the last of our food and most of those meds just went into the trash.

Could've been bandits, I guess.

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---------------------------------
RUN IT ALL OVER

While walking along the outskirts of town, Alex finds a small sporting goods store. It's picked clean of loot. Thinking all is lost, Alex spots an old SUV in the back of the store.

SUV's have crappy gas mileage and are just slow. They're also very durable, and they break down slowly! Just don't bother taking it off jumps.

---------------------------------

* Tunes: Every Step of the Way *


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KAIJU: Great, from one van to another.

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GAL FIERI: This one's not even food themed!

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LANK: HYWAAA!♪

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ALEX: Hey, it beats walking. At this point I'll take a blooming bicycle.


Ugh, from one gas hog to the next. I don't really put much stock in the extra chassis strength of these things, mostly because that extra -4 gas per tick hurts a lot.

You also get a random roll of 50-100 gas on finding cars, and finding only 50 gas but also getting a gas-hog is the worst.

At least it jumps the party's morale back out of the pits.

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---------------------------------
Always Be Looting

While driving on the Death Road, the groip decides to make a stop for supplies:

1. Burning House
2. House Rescue
3. Malicious House
4. Reroll But Probably More House

---------------------------------

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KAIJU: So, one house has ghosts flying around it, the other's swarmed by zombies. and-

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GAL FIERI: The other is on FIRE. Now that is the Napalm Dot Net right there.

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ALEX: Wasn't it Bomb.com?

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GAL FIERI: Seriously, your amnesia must be getting worse. Whatever, we're going into the burning house.

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---------------------------------
House in Flames!

The group is surprised as a house down the road mysteriously catches on fire. Curiousity overwhelms their basic survival instincts.

WARNING: CONTENTS MAY BE HOT!

Your zombie forecast is:
SWARM SIZE: Thick
AGGRESSION: Irritated
CURRENT TIME: Near Sunset

---------------------------------

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KAIJU: You, uh... don't expect us to go in there with you, do you?

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LANK: *looks down at tunic* KYAAUGH!♪

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ALEX: I'll go in with her. I don't fancy fire, but I'm not scared.

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KAIJU: Suit your-

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KAIJU: SKRREEEEEAAAAA

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KAIJU: Whoops.

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GAL FIERI: Jammin'. Alright, let's do this.

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Way back at the Last Arcade, Alex picked up Fireproof as a hidden trait from the exploding machine, which is great for this mission. I particularly wanted to show off the inferno map, but this'll do.

Oh, and Gal's here too, but it's not like she'll be doing much.

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First up, a quick heal up with the can of med spray we still had in the trunk. Better to use it now than waiting on heal-ups while driving.


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ALEX: I'm hoping this isn't flammable.

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GAL FIERI: I was hoping it was. Spraycan flamethrowers are awesome.

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ALEX: I really feel like you're leaning really hard into fire thing of late.

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GAL FIERI: What, a girl can't like fire?

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ALEX: I-

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GAL FIERI: Don't answer that. I blame being stuck in a group of weirdos. It's infectious.

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GAL FIERI: ...I see you walking through it like nothing. I had my suspicions. :raise:

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ALEX: Huh? I just thought it was fake fire or something.

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GAL FIERI: That doesn't make any sense.

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ALEX: I'm not sure if anything that's happened in the last two weeks has.

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GAL FIERI: Listen, girl, you've got it too. You've been feeling really chilly since the arcade, right?

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ALEX: I thought that was just because we were getting closer to Canada...

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GAL FIERI: It's not like I've been wearing this winter stuff only as part of a joke.

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ALEX: I thought it was because you were a nutter-

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ALEX: WHOA WHOA WHOA

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ALEX: Too many zombies!

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ALEX: AGH

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GAL FIERI: Why'd you bring only that dinky pistol anyways?

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ALEX: Ngh... trying to saving ammo. I guess there goes the last of that med spray.

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GAL FIERI: There's boxes of ammo in the car, more than enough to start a fireworks show.

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ALEX: It was a bad call, getting bit kinda already told me that. No need to rub it in.

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GAL FIERI: Of course you rub it in, that's why they call it "rub".

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GAL FIERI: Not gonna complain about more seasoning though.

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ALEX: Ignoring the sudden topic change, don't we already have like, a dozen molotovs at this point?

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GAL FIERI: You can never have enough! :black101:

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Burning Houses don't really have as much interesting stuff in them as other fire based encounters, but there's the occasional useful thing. One thing that is guaranteed however is...

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---------------------------------
Everyone needs help sometimes

Darlen
sayst that she really wants to get out of this place.

She asks if she can follow you around.

---------------------------------

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DARLEN: I'm like, not much of a fan of sponsored combustion, y'all.

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ALEX: I think you mean "spontaneous".

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GAL FIERI: Hey, I used to do sponsored combustion, it's a real thing.

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DARLEN: Can you two, like, do sumthin'?

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ALEX: Sure, whatever. Let's go, mate.

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---------------------------------
MISSION SUMMARY

Found 5 food, total now 6.
Found 76 gas, total now 144.
Medical total: 2
Pistol ammo total: 106
Rifle ammo total: 175

70 zombies destroyed.

---------------------------------

We killed like, maybe half of those at best. The majority of those were from the various static fires around the house.

It's very possible to navigate this mission without a fireproof character, you just have to be careful you don't get struck by a stray ember from a zombie and you'll be fine. The goal for these is pretty much the rescue, but there's usually a room with some sort of weapon as well as a kitchen with some food.

While the AI isn't bad at avoiding the fire, I still don't recommend bringing a big team into these.

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---------------------------------
Rescue Successful!

Darlen
catches up with the group at a safe spot.

She offers a reward in thanks for saving her!

1. Recruit Darlen to team
2. Tank of 80 gas
3. Stash of 10 medical

---------------------------------

* Tunes: Stop and Smell The Flesh *


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KAIJU: Fooooooood...

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DARLEN: Yeh, I ain't got none of that.

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ALEX: Got any spare gas?

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DARLEN: Ain't gonna last long with that van ya got, but I'm guessin' that's why you need it. Here ya go!

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LANK: HWYAAA!♪

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DARLEN: Yer welcome, I, uh, think?

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---------------------------------
Passing Out

Exhausted after an extra long drive, the group scouts out a camping spot and falls asleep immediately after.

The group is low on food, and eats less.

Lose 4 food!

Gal Fieri's morale decreases to :( (2)
Everyone else's morale decreases to almost :cry: (1)

---------------------------------

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KAIJU: It takes a lot of energy to move around in this thing, and I'm really just not getting that.

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LANK: kyyaAAAAAUGH... :(

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ALEX: Seriously, where's a random moose when you need one?

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GAL FIERI: I think they're all back in Florida.

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ALEX: Ughh... at least there's only two more days to go?

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KAIJU: If I don't eat the rest of you before then, that is.

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LANK: WAWAUGH?!

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ALEX: ...I think you've really been in that suit too long. :stare:

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KAIJU: It was a joke. :geno:

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GAL FIERI: Ssssssure it was. I believe you.

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KAIJU: :sigh:


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---------------------------------
Cool-it Diplomacy

The group is blocked by another survivor group that set up a barricade to protect themselves. They are distrusting and heavily armed.

The person they send to talk is EXTREMELY ANNOYING. Who should try to deal with him?


1. Kaiju
2. Alex
3. Pick someone else
4. Lank: Take a detour

---------------------------------

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LANK: *inspects map and compass*

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GAL FIERI: He looks like a major weirdo. Looks like you're up, weird girl.

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KAIJU: I assume that's me?

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ALEX: If anything, you can just do that scream thing.

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KAIJU: I would if I had any control-

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KAIJU: *sneeze*

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KAIJU: -over it.

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GAL FIERI: :geno:

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KAIJU: What, did you think I was going to-

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LANK: HYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!♪ :mad:

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KAIJU: Oh, whoops. Sorry! Didn't mean to sneeze all over the map.

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---------------------------------
THE PLOT THICKENS

Kaiju
talks to the annoying representative.

She really gets along! They mostly exchange COOL IT quips with each other. For an hour. The group is let through.

---------------------------------

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GAL FIERI: I guess I was right about them being kindred weirdos.

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GAL FIERI: We probably should've used that map to take a detour though. It's not been worth it sitting here for an hour.

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ALEX: That map wouldn't have much use anyways, it's a cutout from the back of a cereal box.

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LANK: *hunched over, studying the map intently*

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ALEX: I don't think we're going on a trip to Colonel Crush's Berry Battlefield anytime soon.

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GAL FIERI: ...It does sound like it'd be kinda fun though.

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KAIJU: I wonder how bad they have it on the west coast?

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GAL FIERI: Probably not much better.

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KAIJU: ...Hah, imagine if Oregon was the actual safe place, not Canada.

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GAL FIERI: Hey, don't joke about that.

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KAIJU: Yeah, would be best to not jinx it.

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GAL FIERI: Nah, I just don't want you to get us sued.

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KAIJU: Sued? What are you even on about?

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GAL FIERI: :tinfoil:

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KAIJU: Psh, and you call me weird.

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---------------------------------
Always Be Looting

While driving on the Death Road, the groip decides to make a stop for supplies:

1. Busy Hotel
2. Quiet Farm
3. Mall Rescue
4. Explorer: Drive more- 35 gas

---------------------------------


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GAL FIERI: I'll be honest, something's up with that farm. It's too quiet.

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ALEX: It's already probably raided. Anyone feel like swimming through hordes of zombies in a mall?

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KAIJU: No.

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LANK: SI-YAAAGH!♪

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GAL FIERI: Flavourville presently doesn't do shows at crowded malls.

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ALEX: We'll keep driving then, I guess.

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---------------------------------
Always Be Looting

While driving on the Death Road, the groip decides to make a stop for supplies:

1. Apartment Rescue
2. Hospital Raid
3. Swarmed Arcade
4. Ignore them

---------------------------------

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GAL FIERI: ...Can we have the other options back now?

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KAIJU: Yeah, that hotel is sounding real nice right about now.

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ALEX: No. We just burnt about a quarter of the tank on this.

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LANK: HWYAA!♪ Hup!

*jumps out passenger side window*

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---------------------------------
Apartment Rescue

From a distance, the group spots someone fleeing from an angry horde. They disappear into an apartment building.

Your zombie forecast is:
SWARM SIZE: Thick
AGGRESSION: Irritated
CURRENT TIME: Near Noon

---------------------------------

* Tunes: Horsemann Shuffle *


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LANK: SI-YAAAAGH!♪

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ALEX: Well, I guess we're following him then.



Yeah, I probably should have just taken the farm or something. I think I was really wanting to roll a rare event here, but alas. That 35 gas will be missed, although really none of the choices here were particularly big on food drops. The hotel might've had a lot, but I usually just don't go to hotels.

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ALEX: Lots of rooms to check. There's got to be something to eat in here somewhere.

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KAIJU: Seems like a lot of zombies too.

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ALEX: For some reason, they hate the sound of guns more than Lank's yelling, so I'll hold off on gunning anything down for now.


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The AI lost the metal boomerang somewhere, so I had Alex pick up a meat cleaver as a replacement. The AI usually prefers other items over these, which is a shame because these are quite good. They have a very small chance to break, sure but they are guaranteed to hit two zombies and are quite light on stamina.

For some reason, the AI seems to think that the rusty machete is a better weapon than this, I'm assuming just because it has 0.5 more damage and a bit of knockback, despite having twice the chance to break, only 10% chance to penetrate, and being a lot slower to swing.

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ALEX: You know, they seem to be getting pretty angry anyways.

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GAL FIERI: Maybe they were just really angry people when they were alive.

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GAL FIERI: Another person to rescue?

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KAIJU: We've got to be some kind of heroes at this point.

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---------------------------------
Everyone needs help sometimes

Elsa
says that she really wants to get out of this place.

She asks if she can follow you around.

---------------------------------

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ELSA: A group of probably deranged cosplayers? Sure, cool. Can you get me out of here, or is this just my waking nightmare come true?

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GAL FIERI: We didn't ask for your life story, kid.

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ALEX: Yeah, no time for talk, get your bum in gear. The zeds are getting really mad.


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LANK: KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH! SI YAH KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!♪

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ELSA: Holy heckaroni, it's like a blender of gore.

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ALEX: You don't fight your way up from Florida without getting good at this sort of thing.

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LANK: :3: ♪

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ELSA: How are you even-

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LANK: ♪

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ELSA: Please stop making whatever that sound is. It's incredibly creepy.

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GAL FIERI: So I'm not the only one who recognizes that, finally.

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KAIJU: No, we all noticed, we just weren't trying to-

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LANK: :mad: ♪

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ELSA: :stare:

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ALEX: Ugh, at least we're done with this. Barely anything in here, most of it was already nicked.

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---------------------------------
MISSION SUMMARY

Found 1 food, total now 3
Found 4 medical, total now 6
Total pistol ammo: 115
Total rifle ammo: 175
Total shotgun ammo: 108

66 zombies destroyed.
---------------------------------

Blegh. Let's hope that the survivor rescue makes up for it.

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---------------------------------
Rescue Successful!

Elsa
catches up with the group at a safe spot.

She offers a reward in thanks for saving her!


1. Recruit Elsa to team
2. Group Mechanic Training
3. Group Fitness Training

---------------------------------

* Tunes: Nobody Cooled It *


...Whatever, I'll take the fitness.

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---------------------------------
RESULT

The group gets all sorts of secret fitness tips from Elsa.

The training ends, and Elsa departs.

Gal Fieri's fitness increases to :) (4)
Lank's fitness increases to :keke: (6)
Alex's fitness increases to :) (4)
Kaiju's fitness increases to :keke: (6)

---------------------------------

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LANK: Hyup hyah hyup hyah hyup hyah hyup hyah hyup hyah hyup hyah hyup hyah

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ALEX: I don't know. I don't really feel more fit. Maybe it's the lack of food.

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KAIJU: She's taken off down the highway at a full sprint, so she probably knows what she was talking about.

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GAL FIERI: No, that's just fear sparking adrenaline.

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ALEX: I assume you're familiar with eliciting this reaction?

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GAL FIERI: I don't know why people think napalm is scary. It's fun and funky- a great hobby to introduce your kids to.

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KAIJU: I'm just going to stop parsing anything that comes out of your mouth.

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ALEX: Bird, you're way behind on that game. The whole world's lost the plot at this point, no point in trying to understand anything.

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ALEX: I doubt that Canada will be any better than here in that regard.


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---------------------------------
Familiar Faces

Whoa, it's Diedra! It's nice to see a familiar face! She is eating a candy bar. Those things still haven't gone bad.

---------------------------------

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DIEDRA: You're not wrong. It's full of dinks.

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ALEX: Um, who are you?

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DIEDRA: 'Sup.

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DIEDRA: Also don't worry about it. *munch*

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ALEX: Uh, okay.

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DIEDRA: Also don't be surprised that I'm moving as fast as your van. This thing's slower than the Ratland elections.

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ALEX: Yeah, we kinda knew it was sl-

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KAIJU: -the what elections?

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DIEDRA: Don't worry about it. Find a better car. *stuffs wrapper into pocket*

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ALEX: All we can find are vans.

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DIEDRA: Well RIP you, I guess. Anyways, you seen a girl with blue hair around here?

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LANK: KYAAAAA!♪

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DIEDRA: Gonna take that as a "no". A'ight, well, have fun in Dinksland.

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DIEDRA: *Walks dramatically into the distance*

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GAL FIERI: Well, she was cool.

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KAIJU: That's all you got from that?

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And as we arrive at another cabin with a woodstove, the whole group hits rock bottom morale as we still can't find any danged food.

Doubt festers, but hope still lingers!

What will happen to our group of weirdos interesting jerkfaces characters?

FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON

DEATH ROAD TO CANADA

User avatar
UPDATE 26: A TOONIE FOR THE TIMMY

* Tunes: Every Step of the Way *

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---------------------------------
RESULT

Kaiju
chops a bunch of wood and gets the woodstove going before passing out from exhaustion.

She will be very tired tomorrow!

Kaiju's strength increases to almost :keke: (5)

The fire feels great!
Lank's morale increases to almost :cry: (1)
Gal Fieri's morale increases to almost :cry: (1)

---------------------------------

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GAL FIERI: Awesome. Fire.

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LANK: Hmph!♪

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KAIJU: I just really felt like tearing some logs in half.

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ALEX: ...Neat. Can I go back to sleep now?


In hindsight, I should have made Gal do this, but it's fine.
Alex also didn't get a morale up for some reason. She should have, and I don't know why she didn't, but I've seen it happen before.

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---------------------------------
Shaky Hands

Kaiju
, under intense pressure, starts to get shaky hands from the stress.

Kaiju's medical decreases to :cry: (0)
Kaiju's shooting decreases!
Kaiju's mechanical decreases to almost :cry: (1)

---------------------------------

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ALEX: ...You okay?

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KAIJU: Uhh... I guess I'm getting too swole to control. Do they mean that literally when they say it?

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LANK: KYAUGH?♪

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GAL FIERI: I don't know if the bodybuilder guy warned us about this, I wasn't really paying attention.

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LANK: SI-YAAAAAAGH!♪

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ALEX: Huh?

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---------------------------------
Busted Leg

The group meets a woman limping around with a crutch. One of her legs was wounded in a recent fall as se was getting away from zombies.


1. Lank- Help her leg
2. No time to help
3. Kaiju- Tell her to COOL IT!!!

---------------------------------

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LANK: KYAUUUGH?!♪

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FRAN: Uhhhhhhhhh...

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ALEX: He's asking if you're okay.

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FRAN: Oh. Oh! I, uh, I'll be fine. I just kinda twisted it really bad-


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---------------------------------
THE PLOT THICKENS

Kaiju
tells the woman to COOL IT.

She takes this as advice that she should apply cold compresses to her leg. After the group helps her with that, she offers a reward!

Kaiju's morale increases to :geno: (3)
Alex's morale increases to :geno: (3)
Lank's morale increases to :) (4)
Gal Fieri's morale increases to almost :keke: (5)


1. Group Shooting Training
2. Morale Pep Talk
3. Group First Aid

---------------------------------

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GAL FIERI: ...Amazing.

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FRAN: I never know when you're supposed to use cold or heat.

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KAIJU: I mean, I just kinda said it randomly, but sure if it works, great.

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ALEX: Oh, hey, some bird with glasses and talking about rats was looking for someone with blue hair.

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FRAN: Ah, Dee! Yes, I was just about to ask about her! Where'd she go?

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GAL FIERI: In the opposite direction. Like, right down this same road.

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FRAN: *sigh* Figures... Anyways, thank you!

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ALEX: Not a problem!

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FRAN: I hope you make it to Canada! The pancakes are really good!

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Everyone's morale up to near max!

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KAIJU: That was nice. I hope they find each other.

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LANK: SI-YAAAAGH! *clank as sword bounces against the roof*

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ALEX: I'm feeling good now!

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GAL FIERI: I'm just thinking about pancakes now. I could make... grillcakes.

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KAIJU: Do you grill everything?

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GAL FIERI: It is the superior form of cooking. I am a Seared Belt in Grillmastery.

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---------------------------------
Last Shop Before Canada

An enormous army of undead shambles around the carnage that surrounds the border to Canada. Many have tried to get through. Most only succeed in having their bodies added to the horde.

Maybe your team will be different...

This is the last chance to trade! Good luck!

You have 0 food left.

---------------------------------

* Tunes: Horsemann Shuffle *


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ALEX: Wow. Didn't think they'd have a sign.

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GAL FIERI: Do you think they legally have the right to that name?

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KAIJU: I'm not sure it matters.



Yeah, that was a really short Day 2. The days aren't really measured in forced rests or anything in this game, it's just kinda based on time on the road.

I could have saved the COOL IT, but the reward possibilities were nice. I wanted food, but the morale pep talk was pretty much the same thing. On the terms of weaponry, the only thing I'm wanting for is an Assault Rifle.

Seriously, we're loaded with guns and explosives.

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GAL FIERI: Roomy place, but exactly what are we doing here?

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ALEX: Um... I was going to say buying supplies, but we don't really have any food.

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KAIJU: We can probably just go to Canada now.

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ALEX: At least let me walk around for a bit, my legs are falling asleep.

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GUARD: I AM ERROR

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LANK: Hyup, hyah, KYAAAAAAAAAAA!

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GUARD: :hmmyes:

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LANK: :hmmyes:

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GAL FIERI: ...What did I just witness?

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KAIJU: Some sort of mating ritual?

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GAL FIERI: ...You would say that, wouldn't you.

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---------------------------------
Is This Cosplay?

This person is covered in blue tights, a weird helmet, and is wearing a big plastic tube on one of his arms.

This would normally be more suspicious, but you're used to this sort of thing.

He strikes a dynamic pose with his plastic tube arm.

You need 20 food to recruit him to the party.

Can't spare the food
---------------------------------

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ALEX: AHAHAHAhahaha... Oh, that's a good one, mate.

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KAIJU: We haven't had 20 food since I joined!

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GAL FIERI: We haven't had 20 food since I joined.


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---------------------------------
Weapons Bartering

The group sees a woman standing near a stockpile of crates. The crates seem to contain a large amount of food and drink.

I got food! I'm looking for some great weapons!

She takes a look at what the team is carrying...

---------------------------------

We've got so much gear and so few equipment slots, I offload our duplicate Cowboy Rifle and Hunting Rifle, netting us +4 food. This is enough for a half-meal and is really all we need.

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I also trade 25 gas for 2 more food. Could I have kept it to keep the van? Sure, but it's not like I need the car bomb at the end when I've got more pipebombs than I can really use.

I did this with the intent that I'd only need to quickly nab 2 pieces of food on the coming cabin siege. That way I'd be covered for a full meal.

With that, our intrepid team of interesting people leave to meet their final test.

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ALEX: Alright, shotgun and hunting rifle on hand. Should be good enough.

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ALEX: Um... Lank, here, have the chainsaw.

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KAIJU: Wait, you're giving him a chainsaw?

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LANK: *DA NA NA NAAAAAAAA* :)

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ALEX: I don't see why not. I can't crank it for the life of me, and you're already carrying the axe.

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GAL FIERI: I'd use it, but I'm not taking my hands off the Flavorblaster.

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KAIJU: Are you just giving it different names now?

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GAL FIERI: It can have as many names as it wants.

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ALEX: Speaking of whatever you call it, how much fuel you got?

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GAL FIERI: Little more than a fifth of the tank.

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ALEX: So not much. Make it last, I guess?

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KAIJU: ...How do you get more fuel for that?

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KAIJU: Actually on second thought, I don't want to know.

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LANK: WAUGH?!

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GAL FIERI: It's not that bad, it's just-

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KAIJU: SKREEEEEEEAAAAAA

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---------------------------------
Close to the Border

Giant armies of undead perpetually lurch around the Canadian border, unable to cross. The group gets caught up in a lesser swarm before they can find a safe camp.

SIEGE ALERT! THERE'S NO ESCAPE!
HORDE SIZE: Overwhelming!
CURRENT TIME: Nightfall
SIEGE LENGTH: 1.5 HOURS

---------------------------------

* Tunes: Rotten Shotgun *


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KAIJU: Holy crackers, I guess it's a good thing you did that equipment check!

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GAL FIERI: Shut the front door, talk about lucky!

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ALEX: Did you two seriously ignore what the bodybuilder had to say?! He warned us about this specifically!

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LANK: KYAAAAGH?! :mad:

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GAL & KAIJU: I was hungry.

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KAIJU: ...That's something we agree on.

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GAL FIERI: Never thought I'd see the day.

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LANK: KYAAHGUGAAAGH?! :argh:

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GAL & KAIJU: Oh, right, zombies.

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ALEX: Have your passive-aggressive spats later, we've got a border to get to!

*Chainsaw revving*

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LANK: KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!♪

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LANK: HYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!♪

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GAL FIERI: It shoots lasers? :aaa:

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ALEX: You never noticed?

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KAIJU: Not really, no.

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ALEX: :sigh:


It's shot lasers since the White Sword stage, but this is the first time I've had a screenshot where it hadn't already connected with a zombie. Also Lank hasn't had full health in forever, so this is really the first time having access to it again.

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LANK: HYAAA!

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ALEX: Ugh, they just keep coming! Could you put that axe to a bit of use?

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KAIJU: Sorry, I haven't slept right since the last cabin. This thing's kinda heavy when you're running on nothing.

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ALEX: Hand it to me then!

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KAIJU: never :stare:

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GAL FIERI: Alright, alright, stand back, it's time to crank up the heat!

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GAL FIERI: Got some more fuel too. Plenty of grilling to come!

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ALEX: ...I, uh, just realized something. Do you just... not turn that thing off?

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GAL FIERI: Nope. Why would I?

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ALEX: Might explain why you're always running out of fuel for it.

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GAL FIERI: It's called being prepared.

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KAIJU: We've got more coming up behind-

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LANK: KYAAAAAAAAAAA!

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KAIJU: Nevermind.

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ALEX: They're coming from below!

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GAL FIERI: I got this!

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*Rifle shot*

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ALEX: They're still coming from all angles!

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KAIJU: I don't see any signs of it slowing down!

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LANK: HYA HYUGH HYAGH KYAAAA!♪

*SPIN ATTACK*

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LANK: SI-YAAAAAAAGH!♪

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---------------------------------
PHEW!

The siege is over!

You can now try to escape!

---------------------------------

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ALEX: Haaah... alright... let's check the cabin.

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GAL FIERI: More FOOOOOD!

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KAIJU: WHY

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GAL FIERI: whoops, got excited there


Of course, the game has to give me one last blindside. Just before you forget that Gal's AI is a wildcard.

There wasn't any furniture in her way or a zombie up where she flamed. She just decided to light half the cabin on fire on a whim.

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---------------------------------
MISSION SUMMARY

Found 11 food, total now 18
Found 55 gas, total now 58
Total rifle ammo: 176
Total shotgun ammo: 104

119 zombies destroyed.

---------------------------------

Felt like more zombies than that, but whatever. Also, gee thanks game, leave me starving up until this point then give me more food than I can use.

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ALEX: "I freaking hate Mondays."

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KAIJU: What's wrong with Mondays?

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ALEX: I dunno, I was just reading off this cereal box.


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---------------------------------
Glimmer of Hope on the Death Road

The group feels inspired after managing to survive that situation!

They feel like they are getting the hang of this...

Choose a reward for the group:

1. Morale and random skill gain
2. Morale and one health healed
3. Fitness
4. Alex- +1 All Skills

---------------------------------

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ALEX: I... uh...

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---------------------------------
RESULT

Alex
is becoming a zombie master!

Alex's strength increases to :( (2)
Alex's fitness increases to almost :keke: (5)
Alex's shooting increases to :geno: (3)
Alex's medical increases to :geno: (3)
Alex's morale at max!

---------------------------------

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ALEX: I feel kinda weird.

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GAL FIERI: I told you not to trust the lasagna flavored cereal. It was a trap laid by BIG BURGER CORPORATIONS! :tinfoil:

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ALEX: No, I feel good, just a weird kind of good.


At this point, why not?

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---------------------------------
Last Rest Before Canada

The group prepares for the brutal day ahead of them. Canada is close, but the zombie forecast is bad!

The group eats a decent meal.

Lose 16 food!
Morale maxed out!

Kaiju is ready to splat some zombs!
Alex can't wait!
Lank can't wait!
Gal Fieri feels good about the odds!

Full team dexterity increased!

---------------------------------

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KAIJU: FOOD

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ALEX: FOOD

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LANK: KYAH

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KAIJU: FOOD

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ALEX: FOOD

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LANK: KYAH

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GAL FIERI: Aaaaaalright! The Flavorville Funkalicious Taste Explosion Feast is here! Dig iiiiiiiin!


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While they eat, it's time to set up the loadouts going into the City of Lost Hope.

Alex swaps out the shotgun for the double barreled one, and the hunting rifle is changed out for 6 pipebombs. The others' loadouts are pretty much set.
Lank and Kaiju lead the normal wave clearing, both wielding strong multi-hit weapons. Lank's got the chainsaw (32 gas) for moments that need extreme firepower. It'd have more gas if I just decided to abandon the van, but I was maybe holding out to get more gas on this map.

(Seriously, I could've taken out 50 zombies easily with that 14 gas.)

Gal Fieri is um, doing the thing she usually does. Sieges are her strength though, so I can't complain. We'll really be able to put her to use here, as long as that 14 fuel holds out (not long with the idle usage).

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---------------------------------
City of Crushed Hopes

Nearly at the border to Canada, the group is surrounded by seemingly endless undead. To survive, they must face one last siege. This is the final siege, but not the battle!

SIEGE ALERT! THERE'S NO ESCAPE

HORDE SIZE: Overwhelming!
CURRENT TIME: Late Afternoon
SIEGE LENGTH: 4 HOURS

ALL OR NOTHING!

---------------------------------

* Tunes: Frankenstein Goes to Jamaica *


Also, I've mentioned the "safe strategy" for this map in the thread a bit- you duck into a house quickly and hide in there while the zombie AI almost entirely forgets you.

I've got the ammo and the power though, I'm just going to *FLEX* on the game and handle this in the streets without fear.

(we also just got a bad layout for ducking into a room)

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ALEX: Alright, the bodybuilder told us to check for a loop we could run the zombies through.

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KAIJU: The plan is to run in circles for four hours?

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ALEX: ...Kinda?

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ALEX: Alright, we can circle around these two buildings... I guess?

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GAL FIERI: Will this even work? Zombies are swarming from all directions, you know.

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LANK: KYAAA!♪

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LANK: KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!♪

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GAL FIERI: Well, if he's going to keep being the zombie equivalent of a food processor up there...

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GAL FIERI: This ought to add a bit of spice to those dreary undead days!


In practice, the napalm launcher is a flamethrower with a mildly larger spray, but also leaves three burning columns of fire on the ground for a while.

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Ideally, you lead the zombies through the lasting flames as they'll melt in those rather fast. If it's a large horde you're trying to take out, it's also better to try and spray the flame in a sort of fan if you can. It makes a lot more use of the flame.

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I'm using a lot of the napalm now, as I'd rather have melted zombies with it rather than have Gal waste all the fuel leaving the launcher idle.

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KAIJU: So, um, about that circling thing? There's, uh, kind of a big horde on the other side of the building up there!

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ALEX: Don't worry about it, just hold off this horde here!

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*Shotgun blast*

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ALEX: Gal!

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GAL FIERI: On it!

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GAL FIERI: I'm out! That's all the sauce for today!

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Despite being out of napalm now with more than two hours left to go, this spot isn't a bad chokepoint. It's a long street, and the configuration of the buildings keep the zombies coming from the north stuck up there.

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Also the annoying AI made Alex pick up a rusty machete again, and I have to make her pick the objectively better weapon back up.

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KAIJU: Whoah whoa whoa-

*Shotgun blast*

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ALEX: A tad bit overkill, but I got it!

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KAIJU: Thanks, it came out of the trash pile when I wasn't looking!

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LANK: KYAAAYAUYAUGH! ♪

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ALEX: I know we're losing ground- GET BACK!

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ALEX: FIRE IN THE HOLE!

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*EXPLOSION*


The problem with the chokepoint here is that the zombie flow is just that strong, that it pushes me back even with extremely liberal application of the double barrel.

(I've still got enough for most of a second clip, so I'm not worried about it. We've only got one map left to do following this, after all.)

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This bomb is more than enough to clean a very easy path to strafe through, although I don't like that crowd that's snuck up behind us.

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Attempting to regain lost ground, I push into the thin horde to run into a situation worse than a normal large horde- thin hordes on both sides.

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ALEX: I'd really appreciate if these things would stop clawing out from underneath us!


An unfortunate bit of timing regarding the spawns ends up getting a decently sized group right on our backside.

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Easy to escape, sure, but creates the growing problem that my only real safe egress is to move down and forward. This puts me in a bad spot given now I'm soon to be surrounded on all sides.

I could have whipped out the chainsaw sooner and cleared the back horde off us instead of running to this potentially more dangerous position, but I wanted strafing room to start making better use of these pipebombs.

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LANK: KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA :black101:

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With maybe 3 or 4 ticks of gas and 4 more shells, I've managed to get my position reset, and everyone's back on decent stamina.

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When trying to face down hordes like this, you really have to be on point with the floor/roof spawns. If you can, push close to the big horde just before the spawn happens so you can duck back and not lose too much ground as well as stay on the offense.

You really want to stay on the offense here when possible.

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GAL FIERI: You know, girl, you're really making me like the idea of explosives.

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KAIJU: Maybe stick to fire, so that you don't lose an arm.

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GAL FIERI: Hey, if you're not making mistakes, you're not challenging yourself.

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More zombies end up coming up behind us, but that one pipebomb was perfect for just clearing out this wave. Only 50 in-game minutes to go.

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ALEX: Move, move, move!

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LANK: waaaAAAUGH!♪


This is what it looks like when you don't move out of the way of floor spawns. Luckily, I was able to slip out without damage.

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I then opt to do some more strafing while the crowds are thin.

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We looped back around after some more fighting, and another pipebomb goes into the horde.

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And not but a litle bit later, we're in the clear.

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ALEX: Doesn't look like much in here, let's go!

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And then Alex and Gal got stuck inside, needing me to pop back in with the chainsaw to clear out the 2 zombies holding them in there.

With the horde right up on us, I take what we've got left and bail on this.

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---------------------------------
MISSION SUMMARY

Total Gas: 18
Total Pistol ammo: 208
Total Rifle ammo: 185
Total Shotgun ammo: 56

:black101: *375 ZOMBIES DESTROYED* :black101:

---------------------------------

Not the highest number I've gotten, but still extremely metal.

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ALEX: Fifty-seven shells left, 3 pipebombs. Lank?

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LANK: Hyut!♪

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ALEX: 18 gas?

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KAIJU: Hey, why are we slowing down?

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ALEX: Saving the gas for the chainsaw. We can walk there.

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GAL FIERI: I'll be honest, strolling up on the border on foot is a lot cooler than this mom van.

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KAIJU: Fine, I'm tired of running, but maybe this'll give us a better shot at sneaking across.


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---------------------------------
The End of the Death Road

The border to Canada is just north of here! The group must cross the bridge and then reach the fort that serves as a checkpoint right outside of Canada. This is the final challenge! Good luck!

Your zombie forecast is:
SWARM SIZE: Sardine Packed
AGGRESSION: Mega-Cheesed
CURRENT TIME: Near Noon

YOU CAN MAKE IT!
---------------------------------

* Tunes: Canada, Schmanada *


Time for the final run!

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GAL FIERI: FOR CANADA, WOO!

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KAIJU: Or we could just go in guns blazing.

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ALEX: I appreciate the thought, but we weren't going to sneak past this, let's be honest.

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LANK: KYAAAAAAAAAAAAH!♪

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With just two shots of the napalm and some good fanning, I can create this utter wall of flame.

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ALEX: It's clear, let's go! Hop to it!

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*SHOTGUN BLAST*

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*SHOTGUN BLAST*

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*SHOTGUN BLAST*

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KAIJU: You're going ham with that thing, aren't you?

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ALEX: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

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KAIJU: Nevermind?

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ALEX: I'M SURE WHATEVER YOU SAID WAS QUITE NICE, BUT I THINK I'M GOING DEAF

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GAL FIERI: Oooooh, that's a big wall of zombies!

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LANK: SI-YAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

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ALEX: Go around, go around!

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KAIJU: We're not slipping past this!

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LANK: hyyyyyyaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

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KAIJU: Now I'm glad we saved that gas!

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LANK: :3:

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MOUNTIE: 'Ey, welcome! It's aboot time!

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GAL FIERI: Mounties! You're real!

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MOUNTIE: Ya, last time I checked I was.

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ALEX: I'll throw the rest of these bombs if you don't mind!

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MOUNTIE: Thanks for the 'eads up, eh?

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*EXPLOSION*

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MOUNTIE: ooh, slapshot

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*EXPLOSION*

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MOUNTIE: Felt that one, eh?

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*EXPLOSION*

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MOUNTIE: OOH, NOW WATCH IT, MISS

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ALEX: Sorry! :shobon:

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*CLANG*

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MECHA-MOUNTIE: LET ME TAKE CARE OF IT EH?

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GAL FIERI: :swoon:

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KAIJU: :magical:

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LANK: :stonk:

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ALEX: Neat. :geno:

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MECHA-MOUNTIE: CHEW ON SOME DEATH RAY, HOSERS!

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MECHA-MOUNTIE: EH-ZER BEAM!

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MOUNTIE: Oh geez, eh, that was fast. Usually he takes a bit longer!

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MOUNTIE: Are you transporting any fruits or vegetables?

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ALEX: We ate all our food before we got here. We hadn't eaten in days!

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MOUNTIE: Oh, we can't have that now.

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MOUNTIE: Here's a toonie for a double-double at Timmies. Have fun in Canada now, eh?

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KAIJU: Wow, thanks! :keke:

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---------------------------------
Victory Over The Death Road

YOU'VE GOT A CAN-DO ATTITUDE, EH?

CONGRATS ON MAKING IT TO CANADA!


The Prime Minister himself makes the group honourary citizens of Canada. He welcomes them to the last remaining nation on Earth!

Onward to Canada!
---------------------------------

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PRIME MINISTER: Righto, you folks are just in for the new Canada Cosplay Con!

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KAIJU: We're uh... not cosplayers.

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PRIME MINISTER: That's fine, just wanted to let you know the current goings on. Not everyone's into it!

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KAIJU: At least I think not. Uh, Lank?

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LANK: WAUGH?!♪

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GAL FIERI: Is there some sort of "Barbecue Convention"?

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PRIME MINISTER: Quebec BBQ starts in two weeks!

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GAL FIERI: AWESOME :dance:

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PRIME MINISTER: Anyhow, ready to go?

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ALEX: Yeah. Let's go!

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* Tunes: Green on Green *


*DA NA NA NAA: Beat game with L#nk!*

Rare Characters mode complete!

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*BUNCHA WEIRDOS: Beat Rare Characters Mode!*

Total Zombie Kills: 1820

DEATH ROAD TO CANADA

A game by Rocketcat Games & Madgarden

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ALEX: I met a bunch of weirdos!

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MOUNTIE: Lots of interesting people on the Death Road!

BUT... WHAT BECAME OF THEM IN CANADA?

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ALEX: It's too cold here!

Alex invents a better mousetrap. It has carbon fiber and a USB drive.

She would go on to make various random inventions with her newfound, or possibly reclaimed skills in various mechanics, repairing cars on the side. In attempting to follow the T*L*B's advice, she learned a bit of martial arts in honor of her lost friend.

She would eventually come into posession of the Shiny Axe once again, but nobody knew how.

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LANK: HYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

Lank blundered around for the rest of his life, smashing pottery.

It was eventually discovered that he was attempting to outrun his engagement to a fish-person-thing, somehow originating from his various ceramic escapades.

At some point he was accidentally cryogenically frozen under the Canadian ice, and was rumored to arise once Catastrophe Bizzarro Krankor returned to terrorize the world.

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GAL FIERI: What's next?

Gal Fieri would often return to the border, just to throw heavy furniture at more zombies.

Gal would attempt to re-establish Flavorville, but ultimately failed given a lack of money and the fact that nobody in Canada knew who she was. She would then take on the odd job of being a fire lookout, and was instrumental in preventing wildfires in the following years.

Fires happened a lot more commonly now, for some reason...

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KAIJU: I'm still stuck in this costume! Help!

Kaiju destroyed Toronto. Not the real city, just a cardboard replica.

This was an unusually common occurrence, and the cardboard city industry crumbled due to the fact that these accidents weren't illegal in Canada. She'd go on to detail these happenings in her autobiography, of living in a monster suit. It went on to be a bestseller and the basis for multiple mangas, somehow.

Nobody was ever able to get her out of the suit, and she eventually went on to accept this lifestyle, becoming a partial local legend as she lived in various forests around Canada.

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THANK YOU FOR PLAYING!

DEATH ROAD TO CANADA

I hope you got an OP character!


We sure did, game. We sure did.

(there was also like 7 molotovs in the boot we didn't even use)

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* Tunes: Death Road to Canada Main Theme *

So ends another tale of the Death Road...

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And so ends another run!

A short wrap-up update for this run will be in the works, but I'll also be taking a small little break to catch up on other stuff for a bit.

The the next run, well, I'm still figuring that out. I can't lie that I might be feeling a bit of burn out on this game (I always sorta play it in bursts), but it'd also feel incomplete to leave this with just two runs and not showing off the higher difficulties.

We'll see what I'm feeling in a few days.

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