The Adventurer's Consumer Guide: Goblin, Give me the Cow-o-Meter

Put your Let's Plays in here.
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The Adventurer Consumer's Guide is a piece of Interactive Fiction written entirely by one person, Øyvind Thorsby, and released in 2007. If you recognise Thorsby's name, it's more likely to be from any of his fantastic webcomics rather than the two IF games he made (including this one).

If you don't recognise his name, all you need to know is that this game is gonna get weird. But like this kind of sensible weird. There's a consistent internal logic, even when things get out there.
If you are unfamiliar with interactive fiction, type HELP.
If you care, type CREDITS.
In this game you can't examine things. Instead use either "look" to see descriptions of the things in the room you are in, or "inventory" to see descriptions of what you are carrying. You also can't use "look inside", "look under", "look behind", "look <direction>" or "search". But you can use "read".
To see your inventory without the long descriptions of all you are carrying, type: "inventory short". Or simply: "i s". Or simply: "is".
No time passes when you use "look" or "inventory".
You communicate by "talk to [whatever]", or by giving commands in this format: "goblin, give me the cow-o-meter".
It is possible to put this game in an unwinnable state, but you should be able to figure out when this has happened.
Should you wish to re-read the above information during the game, type ABOUT.
I'm gonna take over here for a quick second to pop in one of these commands if you don't mind. Or even if you do for that matter:
>HELP
In interactive fiction games you type in commands to make your character do what you want. Commands can be things like:
jump
get sledgehammer
get sledgehammer and banana
get all
drop everything except sledgehammer
put sledgehammer in box
put sledgehammer on table
get all from table
hit banana with sledgehammer
give banana to bob
throw banana at bob
eat banana
kill bob
buy banana
read sign
open door
close door
unlock door with key
lock door with key
push rock
push rock north
pull rope
enter car
leave car
wear hat
remove hat
touch hat
sit on chair
stand

You should try to type your commands as simply as possible. Don't type: I sure would like to pick up that nice looking piece of fruit that I see lying here before me. The game won't understand that. Instead type: get fruit.

If you want to have a look around, type: look. Or simply: l.

If you want to have a look at what things you are carrying, type: inventory. Or simply: i. In this game this will give you a description of all your things. If you wish to see a list of your things without the description, type: inventory short. Or simply: i s. Or simply: is.

If you want to talk to another character, for instance Bob, type: talk to bob. Or simply: talk bob. Or simply: t bob.
If you want Bob to do something, type his name, followed by a comma, followed by your command. Like this:
bob, jump
bob, get sledgehammer
Very often other characters will refuse to do what you tell them to.

To move around, type in the direction you wish to go. To go north for instance, type: north. Or simply: n. Most games use the directions north, south, east, west, northeast, northwest, southeast, southwest, up and down. Some games also use in and out.

If you wish to wait for a short while, type: wait. Or simply: z.

There are some special commands. If you have done something stupid that you wish you hadn't, you can type: undo. Other special commands are: save, restore, restart and quit.

(In most games examine (x for short) and search are very important commands. But they don't exist in this game.)

Most games have a few commands that you have to figure out for yourself.
Just to be safe, since the example bit told us that some very common commands work differently and all.

Anyway, let's get on with the show!
You are a product tester for the Adventurer's Consumer Guide, a magazine that reviews all sorts of equipment an adventurer might need for his adventures. Your magazine is highly respected because of the thorough tests you put the equipment through. The tests aren't just done at the magazine's offices. No, the product testers go on actual adventures to test the equipment out in the field. Sometimes you kill an evil overlord; sometimes you rescue a fair maiden. Most of the time, like today, you just go out looking for a treasure in Treasure Cave Mountain, a perfect place for adventures as it contains plenty of caves, treasures, monsters and traps.

As you are putting on the soon-to-be-tested magical coat, magical ring and magical helmet, your editor says, "On this mission you'll be having a helper with you."
"Really?" you say. You usually work alone.
"Yeah, but it's part of a test. See, there's this new agency that is renting out sidekicks. We are going to write a review about it. Oh, here he is now."
Into your office walks a goblin: a green humanoid creature with pointy ears, about a meter tall. "Hi, you must be my new boss," he says to you.
"I guess I am. What is it you're supposed to do, exactly?"
"Well, I'm very brave and helpful, plus I'm a ferocious killing machine. If you see any kind of monster, or anything at all, and you want it killed, just tell me, and it's toast."
"Okay... well, I think we should get going."

You and your new companion are off to Treasure Cave Mountain. Your mission is to return with one really big treasure. Any really big treasure.

On a mountain ledge
A narrow mountain ledge leading west (where you came from) and east. To the north is a tall mountain wall and to the south a long drop.
Very far to the east, near the end of the ledge, a huge monster is crouching. Its green skin is scaly, its body is bloated like a balloon, its four feet have long terrible claws, its wide mouth has thousands of sharp teeth and on top of its head is a cluster of about fifty bulging eyes as big as your head.

You can see the goblin sidekick here.
> _

User avatar
It's an IF so... there's a required command I have to try.

>XYZZY

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>XYZZY
Suddenly everything looks as if it is made of butter. Just as suddenly all is back to normal. But you get a strange feeling that somehow, somewhere, something has changed.
> _

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>talk monster

I don't want to sic the goblin on it before we try out diplomacy.

User avatar
>TALK MONSTER
The monster is too far away.
Hm, okay. Might as well get closer and try again.
>E

On a mountain ledge
A narrow mountain ledge leading west and east.
Quite far to the east, near the end of the ledge, a huge monster is crouching. Its green skin is scaly, its body is bloated like a balloon, its four feet have long terrible claws, its wide mouth has thousands of sharp teeth and on top of its head is a cluster of about fifty bulging eyes as big as your head.

The goblin comes running after you.

The sword starts vibrating ever so slightly.
Wait, hang on... What sword?
>INVENTORY
The new magical sword from Adventurer's Emporium. According to the commercial it will start to vibrate when you are close to danger.
A mail-ordered short metal staff with a clear orb on the end. Its manufacturers say the staff will remove any creature that comes in contact with the orb. Inside the orb you can see a small unmoving cluster of turquoise tentacles.
A Remmingheim Supreme crossbow, loaded with an arrow. The Supreme model is supposed to have a special feature. When you shoot it, the arrow will magically return, and the crossbow will be loaded again. The hard, razor-sharp arrow is protruding a good ten centimeters from the front of the crossbow.
"The Ultimate Creature Manual" by Arthur Hippoman. According to the back it contains information about every single monster in the world, and how to defend yourself against them. It is suspiciously thin.
A small cage. It is closed and locked with a code-lock (You know the code.). A gremlin, a small green humanoid creature with pointy ears, is trapped inside. He is wearing a tiny ring. He is smoking a tiny cigarette. His thin arms are sticking through the bars of the cage, and he is fiddling with the code-lock, trying one combination at a time.

You are wearing:
A Hustlespleen & Poe Coat of Invisibility, though at the moment it looks like an ordinary, long, brown, coat. It is supposed to turn invisible (or turn visible again) whenever you say the magic word "tango".
A Super Champion Helmet fastened with a strap under your chin. It is round and made of thin metal. It is supposed to magically turn you into a hero.
On your finger is a Snuffelburg & Co. Type F Magical Ring. It is red and golden. It is supposed to protect you from any magical rays, by moving the effect of the ray away from you and onto the gremlin, which is wearing a smaller, magically connected, ring.
A pair of red boxer shorts, decorated with tiny teddy-bears dressed as soldiers. They are not something you are supposed to test; they are your own.
> _

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Site Admin
> look at monster
> read manual

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>LOOK AT MONSTER
In this game you can't examine things. Instead use either "look" to see descriptions of the things in the room you are in, or "inventory" to see descriptions of what you are carrying. You also can't use "look inside", "look under", "look behind", "look <direction>" or "search". But you can use "read".
Fortunately, we just got a description of it in the area text so this isn't too bad.
>LOOK

On a mountain ledge

A narrow mountain ledge leading west and east.
Quite far to the east, near the end of the ledge, a huge monster is crouching. Its green skin is scaly, its body is bloated like a balloon, its four feet have long terrible claws, its wide mouth has thousands of sharp teeth and on top of its head is a cluster of about fifty bulging eyes as big as your head.

You can see the goblin sidekick here.
So we have a few facts about its appearance. Lets take a gander at the Monster Creature Manual we have, threadbare though it may be.
>READ MANUAL
You must say what page to read, like "read page 1" or "read 1"
I suppose that makes sense. Don't really wanna read the whole thing at once. That'd take forever.
>READ PAGE 1
On the front is a badly drawn picture of three monsters running away from a man who is holding a copy of the book over his head.
...Not sure the front cover really counts as a page, but okay. Fine.
>READ PAGE 2
So, you have spotted a monster. How many legs does it have?
None: read page 3
One: read page 35
Two: read page 36
Three: read page 62
Four: read page 63
Six: read page 86
Eight: read page 87
Forty eight billion and five: read page 90
It varies: read page 91
Ah, now we're getting somewhere! We know where to go from here at least.
>READ PAGE 63
Does it have hooves?
Yes: read page 64
No: read page 72

>READ PAGE 72
Is it hairy?
Yes: read page 73
No: read page 79

>READ PAGE 79
Does it have large bulging eyes?
No: read page 80
Yes: read page 81

>READ PAGE 81
Is it green?
No: read page 82
Yes: read page 83

>READ PAGE 83
Does it have a wide mouth?
No: read page 84
Yes: read page 85

>READ PAGE 85
Oh, it's just a frog then. Nothing to worry about.
> _

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Site Admin
Well, obviously, we:

> read page 83

...Then again, it does have a lot of bulging eyes... Maybe we'll be able to get to the monster from both page 81 or 83...

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>READ PAGE 79
Does it have large bulging eyes?
No: read page 80
Yes: read page 81
>READ PAGE 80
It is a Gloov. The Gloov has no brain, and steals all its thoughts from other creatures. If a mosquito thinks about sucking your blood, the Gloov might also try to suck your blood, which would be bad, considering it is bigger than a horse. If it is near a bird that thinks about flying, the Gloov might end up crushing someone, as it has no wings. To get rid of it, think very hard about running away or bashing your head against a rock.
Maybe...? Pretty sure...
on top of its head is a cluster of about fifty bulging eyes as big as your head.
Yeah, thought so. Safe to say it's not a Gloov.
>READ PAGE 81
Is it green?
No: read page 82
Yes: read page 83
>READ PAGE 82
It is a Shameleon. This lizard has developed a special kind of camouflage: it will taste exactly the same as whatever surface it is lying on. The Shameleon can breathe fire. Its colorful body is easy to spot, so just stay out of its range and you'll be safe.
Okay, this thing is definitely green so we can write this one off without issue.
>READ PAGE 83
Does it have a wide mouth?
No: read page 84
Yes: read page 85
>READ PAGE 84
It is a Sjumlepusler. These psychic scavengers turn up at the sites of accidents before the accidents happen. Though not a direct threat, if you see Sjumlepusler sitting somewhere with a look of anticipation on its face, get away as fast as you can.
Hmm, I suppose that's possible, but...
its wide mouth has thousands of sharp teeth
So I guess we can only really conclude that the "monster" is a frog.

I don't know what kind of frog has thousands of teeth, but Arthur Hippoman is the expert here. If he says it's a frog, it must be a frog.

> _

> give sword to goblin
> give helm to goblin
> goblin, kill monster

User avatar
>GIVE SWORD TO GOBLIN
(the goblin sidekick)
The goblin says, "No thanks. Carrying around a vibrating sword sounds kind of dangerous."
I dunno, it's just kind of a little twitchy.
>GIVE HELMET TO GOBLIN
(the goblin sidekick)
You can't give away things you are wearing.
...Oh, that makes sense. Right.
>REMOVE HELMET
You try to remove the helmet, but it is stuck. The strap under your chin is too tight.
Well, in that ca--
>OPEN STRAP
That's not something you can open.
Not sure why I thought that'd work. Obviously a strap is a single thing and it's not like a bike helmet.
>GOBLIN, KILL MONSTER
Before you have a chance to say anything you get a nasty electric shock from your helmet. You hear a calm pleasant female voice in your head: "It wouldn't be very heroic to ask somebody else to do your fighting for you."
> _

> talk gremlin
> say tango (be upset only the coat turns invisible)
> touch orb

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>TALK GREMLIN
"Hey, how are you doing in there?" you ask.
"I'm suffocating," the gremlin says. "Unless you let me out soon I'll die!"
It's a cage. You're fine.
>TANGO
"Tango!"
The coat turns invisible. You on the other hand do not. The gremlin snickers at your boxer shorts.
I like these boxers. They're cool.

Also now we have an invisible coat. I guess we're not wearing anything but the boxers underneath it. Awkward!
>TOUCH ORB
Before you have a chance to do it, you get a nasty electrical shock from your helmet. You hear a calm pleasant female voice in your head: "It wouldn't be very heroic to magically disappear and let the poor goblin fend for himself."
> _

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Site Admin
I get the feeling that, if we survive this, we're going to have words with product testing. I guess we're going to have to bite the bullet.

> e(ast)

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>E

On a mountain ledge

A narrow mountain ledge leading west and east.
Some distance to the east, near the end of the ledge, a huge monster is crouching. Its green skin is scaly, its body is bloated like a balloon, its four feet have long terrible claws, its wide mouth has thousands of sharp teeth and on top of its head is a cluster of about fifty bulging eyes as big as your head.

The goblin comes running after you.

The sword starts shaking quite a lot.
Nothing's changed except how much the sword shakes. Might as well keep walking then...
>E

On a mountain ledge

A narrow mountain ledge leading west and east.
Not all that far to the east, near the end of the ledge, a huge monster is crouching. Its green skin is scaly, its body is bloated like a balloon, its four feet have long terrible claws, its wide mouth has thousands of sharp teeth and on top of its head is a cluster of about fifty bulging eyes as big as your head.

The goblin comes running after you.

The sword starts shaking like crazy.

You have a hard time holding on to the sword, and you have to struggle to keep from slashing yourself.
Likewise here. Better keep going...
>E

On a mountain ledge

The end of a narrow mountain ledge leading west. The tall mountain wall has three caves: to the northwest, north and northeast.
A huge monster is crouching on the ledge. Its green skin is scaly, its body is bloated like a balloon, its four feet have long terrible claws, its wide mouth has thousands of sharp teeth and on top of its head is a cluster of about fifty bulging eyes as big as your head.

The goblin comes running after you.

The sword goes even crazier and starts thrashing like a headless chicken on drugs.

Unable to control the sword, you are slashed into little pieces.

*** You are no longer among us. ***


In that game you scored 0 out of a possible 100, in 26 turns. You get reincarnated as a virus, living in the sinuses of Pat Davenport, a fat dentist from Ohio.
Would you like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game, UNDO your last move or QUIT?
Well, that's awkward. Guess we can't get up to our giant frog buddy without the sword killing us. No point starting from scratch, and I'm no quitter.
>UNDO
On a mountain ledge

[Previous turn undone.]
So we're one step to the west of the giant frog. If we go east, our own sword kills us. For the sake of clarity here:
>N
You are not testing the Pill That Turns You Into A Mountain Goat on this trip. Just as well, the last time you were a goat you ate your backpack and your socks.

>S
You are not testing The Pebble That Protects You From Falling Down From Really High Places this month. It was just a scam anyway.
North and South (along with their east/west variants) are both off the table here. Can only go East/West, but too far East and we get killed by our own sword.

If we go west from here, the sword vibrates less but we can only go back to the starting spot. Try to move from there...
>W
You don't want to go home before you have found a big treasure.
...And it's taken as an attempt to leave. Hmm.

> _

User avatar
Well, if we can't get closer, sounds like we want to try talking again, and if that fails... it's time to test that crossbow.

> talk monster
> fire crossbow at monster

Also I suppose try

> sheathe sword
> goblin, inventory
> goblin, give me all
> goblin, give me cow-o-meter

User avatar
>TALK MONSTER
The monster is too far away.

You have a hard time holding on to the sword, and you have to struggle to keep from slashing yourself.
1 space away is still too far, apparently. Gonna have to do something about that, then.
>FIRE CROSSBOW AT MONSTER
Before you have a chance to do it, you get a nasty electrical shock from your helmet. You hear a calm pleasant female voice in your head: "It wouldn't be very heroic to go around shooting creatures."

You have a hard time holding on to the sword, and you have to struggle to keep from slashing yourself.
Not too surprising that didn't work. Probably gonna have to do something about it sooner or later.
>SHEATHE SWORD
That's not a verb I recognise.

>PUT AWAY SWORD
You can't see any such thing.

>DROP SWORD
Dropped.
Rather than needlessly and repetitively play the Guess The Verb Game, figure it'd be ideal to try a few variations and see what works. The sword is thoroughly on the floor now, so we're... probably... safe. From it, if nothing else.
>GOBLIN, INVENTORY
"I don't have anything, boss."

>GOBLIN, GIVE ME ALL
(the goblin sidekick's nose)
"I won't give away my nose!"

>GOBLIN, GIVE ME COW-O-METER
The goblin gives the cow-o-meter to you.
I am not gonna ask where he was keeping that. But I am gonna ask if it was real...
>INVENTORY
A cow-o-meter. Just point it at someone, and it will show you how many cows they have seen in their lives.
Sure enough, we have a cow-o-meter. The rest of our inventory is unchanged, save for no longer having the sword for now; we can pick it back up whenever.

And we're right here, so let's finally get a real result from this:
>E

On a mountain ledge

The end of a narrow mountain ledge leading west. The tall mountain wall has three caves: to the northwest, north and northeast.
A huge monster is crouching on the ledge. Its green skin is scaly, its body is bloated like a balloon, its four feet have long terrible claws, its wide mouth has thousands of sharp teeth and on top of its head is a cluster of about fifty bulging eyes as big as your head.

The goblin comes running after you.

All the eyes of the green monster swivel round and stare at the goblin.

>TALK MONSTER
"Who are you?" you ask, but the monster ignores you.

The green monster's tongue shoots out towards your head, but you duck.
> _

User avatar
>point cow-o-meter at monster

User avatar
Let's save time a bit then and do all available targets at once.
>POINT COW-O-METER AT MONSTER
According to the cow-o-meter, the monster has seen 4 cows.

The green monster's tongue wraps itself around the waist of the goblin. The goblin is dragged kicking and screaming towards the monster's mouth. You manage to grab one of the goblin's arms and pull him loose from the tongue.

>POINT COW-O-METER AT SELF
According to the cow-o-meter, you have seen 516 cows.

The green monster steps on the goblin. The poor goblin disappears completely beneath the huge foot. After a while the monster lifts the foot, while looking down as if to see if the goblin is dead. He isn't. Dazed, the goblin gets up, shakes his head, and takes some steps away from the monster.

>POINT COW-O-METER AT GOBLIN
(the goblin sidekick)
According to the cow-o-meter, the goblin has seen 46 cows.

All the eyes of the green monster swivel round and stare at you.

>POINT COW-O-METER AT GREMLIN
According to the cow-o-meter, the gremlin has seen 12 cows.

The green monster steps on the goblin. The poor goblin disappears completely beneath the huge foot. After a while the monster lifts the foot, while looking down as if to see if the goblin is dead. He isn't. Dazed, the goblin gets up, shakes his head, and takes some steps away from the monster.
> _

User avatar
Site Admin
Okay, so this thing has lots of eyes. Let's try...

> take off coat
> put coat on monster's head

It is, nonetheless, intriguing to learn how many cows people have seen!

User avatar
>TAKE OFF COAT
You take off the coat.

The green monster's tongue shoots out towards your legs, but you manage to jump to the side.
So, we're holding an invisible coat. Gotta make sure we don't misplace it...
>PUT COAT ON MONSTER'S HEAD
You can't see any such thing.

>PUT COAT ON MONSTER
Putting things on the huge monster would achieve nothing.

The green monster's tongue wraps itself around the waist of the goblin. The goblin is dragged kicking and screaming towards the monster's mouth. You manage to grab one of the goblin's arms and pull him loose from the tongue.
Not sure what this was intended to achieve. Maybe confuse it? I dunno. We still have the (currently invisible) coat at least.

> _

User avatar
Site Admin
Crap, didn't account for either the coat being invisible, or the monster being huge.

>Throw orb at monster , maybe?

Or, failing that, let's go with the lo-fi solution

> Poke monster in the eye

I don't know, I'm reaching here. But if the Orb teleports people, maybe it'll cause some havoc back at the office.

User avatar
>THROW ORB AT MONSTER
Before you have a chance to do it, you get a nasty electrical shock from your helmet. You hear a calm pleasant female voice in your head: "It wouldn't be very heroic to go around and throw things at creatures."

The green monster's tongue wraps itself around the waist of the goblin. The goblin is dragged kicking and screaming towards the monster's mouth. You manage to grab one of the goblin's arms and pull him loose from the tongue.
I suppose it's fair enough that we couldn't do this one, since it's attached to the staff. We might need that later, or something. But let's see if we can finagle a way around this to get the same effect.
>HIT MONSTER WITH ORB
Before you have a chance to do it, you get a nasty electrical shock from your helmet. You hear a calm pleasant female voice in your head: "It wouldn't be very heroic to use a magical staff to fight with."

The green monster smacks the goblin with one of its legs. The goblin falls on his back.
I guess the helmet wants us to fight less like Merlin and more like Conan or something, I dunno. Let's try something else then.
>POKE MONSTER IN EYE
That's not a verb I recognise..
Poking is off the table, I guess. Does seem niche, but let's be more general.
>HIT MONSTER
Before you have a chance to do it, you get a nasty electrical shock from your helmet. You hear a calm pleasant female voice in your head: "It wouldn't be very heroic to hit a defenseless animal."

All the eyes of the green monster swivel round and stare at the goblin.

>KICK MONSTER
Before you have a chance to do it, you get a nasty electrical shock from your helmet. You hear a calm pleasant female voice in your head: "It wouldn't be very heroic to kick a defenseless animal."

The green monster's tongue shoots out towards your legs, but you manage to jump to the side.

>GOBLIN, HIT MONSTER
Before you have a chance to say anything you get a nasty electric shock from your helmet. You hear a calm pleasant female voice in your head: "It wouldn't be very heroic to ask somebody else to do your fighting for you."

All the eyes of the green monster swivel round and stare at you.
Okay, I think it's quite safe to say at this point that this helmet has stopped being cute and is now an active liability in this situation.

> _

User avatar
We're close to the monster, so:

> w
> remove helmet
> throw sword at monster

Maybe we should just walk past? It is only a giant clawed frog.

From the monster

> nw

User avatar
>W

On a mountain ledge

A narrow mountain ledge leading west and east.
Not all that far to the east, near the end of the ledge, a huge monster is crouching. Its green skin is scaly, its body is bloated like a balloon, its four feet have long terrible claws, its wide mouth has thousands of sharp teeth and on top of its head is a cluster of about fifty bulging eyes as big as your head.

The new magical sword from Adventurer's Emporium is here. According to the commercial it will start to vibrate when you are close to danger. It is shaking like crazy.

The goblin comes running after you.
At least we're safe from the... oddly harmless monster over here. Let's see.
>REMOVE HELMET
You try to remove the helmet, but it is stuck. The strap under your chin is too tight.

>PICK UP SWORD
Taken.

You have a hard time holding on to the sword, and you have to struggle to keep from slashing yourself.

>THROW SWORD AT MONSTER
The monster is too far away.

You have a hard time holding on to the sword, and you have to struggle to keep from slashing yourself.
Just how weak and feeble are we, that we can't throw it a few feet? I suppose there's no way to measure distance, but this still feels off.
>DROP SWORD
Dropped.

>E

On a mountain ledge

The end of a narrow mountain ledge leading west. The tall mountain wall has three caves: to the northwest, north and northeast.
A huge monster is crouching on the ledge. Its green skin is scaly, its body is bloated like a balloon, its four feet have long terrible claws, its wide mouth has thousands of sharp teeth and on top of its head is a cluster of about fifty bulging eyes as big as your head.

The goblin comes running after you.

All the eyes of the green monster swivel round and stare at you.

>NW
The huge green monster growls and blocks your path.

The green monster smacks the goblin with one of its legs. The goblin falls on his back.
Same thing happens if we try and go to the north or northeast caves too. We're gonna have to figure out how to get past this thing somehow. Hrm.

> _

User avatar
What if it's a Bugblatterbeast-related creature? Perhaps we need to trick it:

> cover your eyes

If that doesn't work:

> give staff to goblin

pick up sword
Go back to starting location
Use sword to cut helmet strap

User avatar
>COVER EYES
If you are thinking of walking around without seeing, forget it. You would just stumble into things.

All the eyes of the green monster swivel round and stare at the goblin.
I feel like I came up with much worse plans myself the first time I played. Been a couple years, but at least this one has the advantage of possibly working.
>GIVE STAFF TO GOBLIN
(the goblin sidekick)
You give the staff to the goblin.

IMPORTANT NOTE: If you forget what items the goblin has, you can ask him with "Goblin, Inventory". This note will not be repeated.

The green monster smacks the goblin with one of its legs. The goblin falls on his back.
We are carrying quite a lot, so this isn't unreasonable to do. Might help with reducing clutter a bit.
>W

On a mountain ledge

A narrow mountain ledge leading west and east.
Not all that far to the east, near the end of the ledge, a huge monster is crouching. Its green skin is scaly, its body is bloated like a balloon, its four feet have long terrible claws, its wide mouth has thousands of sharp teeth and on top of its head is a cluster of about fifty bulging eyes as big as your head.

The new magical sword from Adventurer's Emporium is here. According to the commercial it will start to vibrate when you are close to danger. It is shaking like crazy.

The goblin comes running after you.

>PICK UP SWORD
Taken.

You have a hard time holding on to the sword, and you have to struggle to keep from slashing yourself.

>W

On a mountain ledge

A narrow mountain ledge leading west and east.
Some distance to the east, near the end of the ledge, a huge monster is crouching. Its green skin is scaly, its body is bloated like a balloon, its four feet have long terrible claws, its wide mouth has thousands of sharp teeth and on top of its head is a cluster of about fifty bulging eyes as big as your head.

The goblin comes running after you.

The sword calms down, but is still shaking quite a lot.

>W

On a mountain ledge

A narrow mountain ledge leading west and east.
Quite far to the east, near the end of the ledge, a huge monster is crouching. Its green skin is scaly, its body is bloated like a balloon, its four feet have long terrible claws, its wide mouth has thousands of sharp teeth and on top of its head is a cluster of about fifty bulging eyes as big as your head.

The goblin comes running after you.

The sword calms down, and is now only vibrating ever so slightly.

>W

On a mountain ledge

A narrow mountain ledge leading west (where you came from) and east. To the north is a tall mountain wall and to the south a long drop.
Very far to the east, near the end of the ledge, a huge monster is crouching. Its green skin is scaly, its body is bloated like a balloon, its four feet have long terrible claws, its wide mouth has thousands of sharp teeth and on top of its head is a cluster of about fifty bulging eyes as big as your head.

The goblin comes running after you.

The sword stops moving.

>CUT STRAP
(with the goblin sidekick)
That is not a proper tool for cutting.
Okay, this is just needlessly pedantic. I dunno why it defaults to using the goblin as a blade.

Even if that is kinda funny.
>CUT STRAP WITH SWORD
You cut the strap with the sword, and pull off the helmet.

[Your score has just gone up by one point.]
Score: 1. Moves: 59.

> _

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whenever you say the magic word "tango".
Ooh, a Spider and Web reference. Very snave.

Also, try to >put helmet on monster.

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>E

On a mountain ledge

A narrow mountain ledge leading west and east.
Quite far to the east, near the end of the ledge, a huge monster is crouching. Its green skin is scaly, its body is bloated like a balloon, its four feet have long terrible claws, its wide mouth has thousands of sharp teeth and on top of its head is a cluster of about fifty bulging eyes as big as your head.

The goblin comes running after you.

The sword starts vibrating ever so slightly.

>E

On a mountain ledge

A narrow mountain ledge leading west and east.
Some distance to the east, near the end of the ledge, a huge monster is crouching. Its green skin is scaly, its body is bloated like a balloon, its four feet have long terrible claws, its wide mouth has thousands of sharp teeth and on top of its head is a cluster of about fifty bulging eyes as big as your head.

The goblin comes running after you.

The sword starts shaking quite a lot.

>E

On a mountain ledge

A narrow mountain ledge leading west and east.
Not all that far to the east, near the end of the ledge, a huge monster is crouching. Its green skin is scaly, its body is bloated like a balloon, its four feet have long terrible claws, its wide mouth has thousands of sharp teeth and on top of its head is a cluster of about fifty bulging eyes as big as your head.

The goblin comes running after you.

The sword starts shaking like crazy.

You have a hard time holding on to the sword, and you have to struggle to keep from slashing yourself.

>DROP SWORD
Dropped.

>E

On a mountain ledge

The end of a narrow mountain ledge leading west. The tall mountain wall has three caves: to the northwest, north and northeast.
A huge monster is crouching on the ledge. Its green skin is scaly, its body is bloated like a balloon, its four feet have long terrible claws, its wide mouth has thousands of sharp teeth and on top of its head is a cluster of about fifty bulging eyes as big as your head.

The goblin comes running after you.

All the eyes of the green monster swivel round and stare at the goblin.

>PUT HELMET ON MONSTER
Putting things on the huge monster would achieve nothing.

All the eyes of the green monster swivel round and stare at you.
Not too surprising an outcome, but it was worth a shot at least.

> _

Helmet's off now, so...

>Goblin, kill monster

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>GOBLIN, KILL MONSTER
The goblin throws himself at the monster. The monster opens its jaws and lunges forward. The mouth closes around the goblin. You hear some muffled goblin screams from within the monster's head. Just when you think your sidekick's career came to very early stop, the monster sneezes and the green guy comes shooting out of the monster's nostril and lands in a heap. Confused he shakes his head and mutters, "Sorry boss."

The green monster roars.
Well... he tried at least.

> _

User avatar
Well, now that we don't have our zappy hat on, maybe some of our martial options will actually work.

>Fire crossbow at monster

e: Also, I appreciate a game where the only way to progress is to shed your own gear, as long as we never have to leave the goblin behind. That I won't abide.

With this game's logic, I fully expect the crossbow to kill the monster, return, and go right through the hero on the way back to the crossbow.

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>FIRE CROSSBOW AT MONSTER
You pull the trigger. The arrow magically returns to the crossbow and the crossbow is loaded again. Huh? That happened fast. The arrow did not even have time to leave the crossbow entirely! In fact, it barely moved!

The green monster's tongue wraps itself around the waist of the goblin. The goblin is dragged kicking and screaming towards the monster's mouth. You manage to grab one of the goblin's arms and pull him loose from the tongue.
This is close enough to the right answer at this point for me to keep things moving along. Right idea to use the crossbow after all. Eventually someone would get the exact solution, sure, but I think it's better to not just sit around on the first area forever.
>HIT MONSTER WITH ARROW
You slam the crossbow, arrow first, into the monster's belly. The monster explodes like a balloon, leaving no remains. So not quite like a balloon then.

[Your score has just gone up by five points.]
Score: 6. Moves: 68.

Remainder of the area, minus one monster:
>LOOK

On a mountain ledge

The end of a narrow mountain ledge leading west. The tall mountain wall has three caves: to the northwest, north and northeast.

You can see the goblin sidekick here.
(Inventory and Look do not pass time, so the move count is still at 68.)

> _

User avatar
> save game
> NW

Go back and get our sword back, then save/cave

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