Who is Gwent? Let's Play the entire Witcher series blind!

[CirclMastr]

When I told people that I was going to do a blind LP of the entire Witcher series, they told me to skip the first game. They told me that no one had ever finished a Witcher 1 LP on the entire subforum. They told me I would get stuck in some swamp for hours.

Let's see if I can prove them wrong.

This is going to be a megathread of all three Witcher games, in order. I know next to nothing about the entire series. I haven't played them. I haven't watched anyone else play them. I haven't read the book (or books? Are there more than one?). I know that they're RPGs, or maybe action-RPGs? Or maybe only the later ones are action-RPGs, I dunno. I don't think I've played anything else by CD Projekt Red either, assuming they have made games other than The Witcher ones, but I'm all aboard the Cyberpunk 2077 hype train. In fact, lots of people are aboard that train simply because of CDPR's track record with the Witcher series, so I figure I might as well finally play these and find out why. There WILL be editing, so if I do get stuck in a swamp for hours, there won't be hours of videos of me in a swamp.

It should go without saying for a blind LP, but there should be absolutely no spoilers of any kind!



The Witcher was released by CD Projekt Red in... jeez, October of 2007, and the Enhanced Edition in September 2008. Can you believe I waited this long to play it? I sure can't. This is going to be played using the Director's Cut patch/DLC, which uncensors whatever was censored in the North American release but not the rest of the world, so if there's anything too saucy I guess I'll just edit it in post. Going into it, here's what I know:

• The main character is named Geralt.
• There's a swamp that apparently I'm going to get stuck in for 20+ hours.
• I should just go straight to Witcher 2 and not play this.

I guess because this is the oldest and least-well-regarded game in the series, nobody talks much about it.

Episodes:
Episode 1: "I'm on board"
Episode 2: "Every inventory item is sacred"
Episode 3: "Also, who are you?"
Episode 4: "But unfortunately my hopes have been shattered"
Episode 5: "Well that was the inside of his head"
Episode 6: "It's all a scam"
Episode 7: "I have no idea what that means"
Episode 8: "Did I even get XP for that?"
Episode 9: "I don't know what he's talking about"
Episode 10: "Lucky for you, I cut it out"
Episode 11: "So five minutes from now, you mean"
Episode 12: "And my inventory overfloweth"
Episode 13: "That seems a low number"
Episode 14: "Let's save some hookers first"
Episode 15: "I'm not happy"
Episode 16: "This isn't Saint's Row"
Episode 17: "Such is life"
Episode 18: "Okay that didn't tell me anything"
Episode 19: "I have a feeling I'm near the end of this chapter"
Episode 20: "That was just a floating head"
Episode 21: "Yup, that didn't work"
Episode 22: "I think I did an oopsie"
Episode 23: "Just ignore the fact that I constantly cheat"
Episode 24: "That was a segue"
Episode 25: "Let me just get into things"
Episode 26: "I could easily be both"
Episode 27: "That doesn't make any sense"
Episode 28: "I'm ready to tap"
Episode 29: "Is that really a spoiler?"
Episode 30: "I'm about to get even unhappier"
Episode 31: "I don't have anything to talk about for this"
Episode 32: "I'm just tired of this game"
Episode 33: "I'll just take everything you own"
Episode 34: "I don't know if this choice actually makes a difference"
Episode 35: "These are the jokes, folks"
Episode 36: "Twice as fair"
Episode 37: "I could probably find out if I cared"
Episode 38: "Am I in the land of memes now?"
Episode 39: "I'm not impressed"
Finale: "That makes even less sense than before!"



The Witcher 2 was released by CD Projekt Red May 2011, and the Enhanced Edition in April 2012. I'm not sure what the context of that development and release period is, but for whatever reason they decided to add QTEs to the game and I hate them. Hopefully the other things they did differently in this game are improvements. Going into it, here's what I know:

• The main character is named Geralt (and everything else that was in Witcher 1).
• I once watched a video by MrBtongue where he talks about an Order character and elf character, but all I remember is the main point being "The writers could have softened these characters to make them more appealing but didn't, and that's a good thing."
• When Obama visited Poland, the Polish Prime Minister gave him a copy of this game.

I'm sure more has been said about this game than the original Witcher, but apparently it was long enough ago that I've forgotten basically everything.

Episodes:
Episode 0: "I don't want QTEs"
Episode 1: "I don't want more dice poker"
Episode 2: "Speaking of awkward and clumsy"
Episode 3: "It's really quite painful to watch"
Episode 4: "That was a TV show that existed"
Episode 5: "Only elves play the flute"
Episode 6: "Oh, this is a bad idea"
Episode 7: "What is the alternative though?"
Episode 8: "I think I know which one I'd rather visit"
Episode 9: "I can't talk"
Episode 10: "My brain doesn't work right anymore"
Episode 11: "Also, what the heck just happened there?"
Episode 12: "I think I've said this before"
Episode 13: "This is almost entirely cutscenes"
Episode 14: "Everybody dies someday"
Episode 15: "I can promise you that Dandelion knows nothing"
Episode 16: "The fantasy is real!"
Episode 17: "I roll to disbelieve"
Episode 18: "Or I could just look at my map"
Episode 19: "What the heck is with this?"
Episode 20: "I'm stealing your timber"
Episode 21: "And everybody glitches out immediately"
Episode 22: "Let's not call it murder"
Episode 23: "Dangerously cheesy"
Episode 24: "Let's go back to the thing in the place"
Episode 25: "Was there a reason to do any of this?"
Episode 26: "I'm an idiot, basically, probably"
Episode 27: "I need to stop"
Episode 28: "You can't accuse me of not trying"
Episode 29: "I'm sure I screwed that up"
Episode 30: "I'll gladly be proven wrong"
Episode 31: "Yay Siegfried! Boo Roche and Iorveth!"
Episode 32: "Yes, shut up"
Episode 33: "You can't stop me"
Episode 34: "That escalated to 11"
Episode 35: "Speaking of cognitive issues"
Finale: "I don't believe this for a moment"



The Witcher 3 was released by CD Projekt Red in May of 2015, and the Game of the Year edition in August of 2016. It's the latter that I have, and it includes all the DLCs and expansions. It being August 2020 now, that means I have waited four years to get to this game. Four years to Witcher 3, four year hiatus in my Just Cause 2 LP, coincidence or...? Going into it, here's what I know:

• The main character is named Geralt (and everything else that was in Witcher 1 and 2).
• It's some sort of open world game.
• Some part of the game is devoted to looking for Ciri, and there are segments where you play as Ciri.
• Ciri has been to Night City, but won't appear in Cyberpunk 2077.
• There is a sidequest or something where Geralt and his horse talk to each other. I know he won't ever read this, but fuck you Benny for spoiling this for me.

Naturally because of the popularity and widespread acclaim of this game, I've had to go to some lengths to avoid as much as I could. I should probably also mention that while I will not force myself to finish this LP before Cyberpunk 2077 comes out, I am definitely going to try. Just, if it comes close, I'll at least finish recording before Cyberpunk 2077 comes out. After all, CDPR was kind enough to delay the game's release just so I could finish this LP.

Episodes:
Episode 1: "Can I rename the horse?"
Episode 2: "I literally don't know how to play this game"
Episode 3: "I need booze"
Episode 4: "We're off to do a side quest!"
Episode 5: "What a stupid peasant"
Episode 6: "No contest, no debate"
Episode 7: "That seemed unnecessarily dramatic"
Episode 8: "Yeah, let's do mind control"
Episode 9: "...."
Episode 10: "Item store person"
Episode 11: "That's cheating!"
Episode 12: "I have no regerts"
Episode 13: "That's, uh... not normal"
Episode 14: "So am I allowed to steal this?"
Episode 15: "Let's do the Gwent"
Episode 16: "Okay but I'm not cheating on Triss"
Episode 17: "Did I die from that?"
Episode 18: "This looks bad"
Episode 19: "I literally don't know where to find Triss"
Episode 20: "Hello, cat"
Episode 21: "Just witcher business"
Episode 22: "Don't worry, I've got a horse"
Episode 23: "What eats money?"
Episode 24: "I like Dandelion even less now"
Episode 25: "It'll never play on Broadway"
Episode 26: "Let me do the thing to the thing"
Episode 27: "Let's find a crafter"
Episode 28: "Buckets of ducats"
Episode 29: "Did I not suffer enough?"
Episode 30: "Too soon!"
Episode 31: "We'll do it the fun way"
Episode 32: "That's very convenient"
Episode 33: "No, you're crazy"
Episode 34: "Can Dijkstra narrate my adventures?"
Episode 35: "I have done something horribly wrong"
Episode 36: "I don't belove Dandelion"
Episode 37: "Yeah this play sucks"
Episode 38: "Or this could be happening"
Episode 39: "Is that how you pronounce that word?"
Episode 40: "Oh hey, I have another thing"
Episode 41: "I'm not gonna click on it"
Episode 42: "Why am I getting this in the middle of the game?"
Episode 43: "It's like 90% gimmicks"
Episode 44: "You roofied a vampire"
Episode 45: "Eskel plus goat equals now"
Episode 46: "That did literally nothing to help me"
Episode 47: "That ended poorly"
Episode 48: "All I needed to do was get on the boat"
Episode 49: "It's Snow White"
Episode 50: "Neither of those sound particularly useful"
Episode 51: "You just look stupid now"
Episode 52: "What about red pandas?"
Episode 53: "It's been a while since I saw one of these"
Episode 54: "Not remotely as interesting as The Lusty Argonian Maid"
Episode 55: "Hey, knife-ears"
Episode 56: "I really hope the game's not just bugged"
Episode 57: "The important thing is that Silé died"
Episode 58: "It's almost like he's a dirty space elf"
Episode 59: "All of that was for nothing"
Episode 60: "Let's get it going"
Episode 61: "But will it be the final episode?"

[Rosemont]

Glad to keep following the thread here.

[Ace Transmuter]

Maybe now we'll finally find out who Gwent is!

[CirclMastr]

Episode 28: "You can't accuse me of not trying"

I finally actually lift the curse, and while the gameplay involved is pretty boring, it's probably the best scene in terms of narrative and visual design. At least so far.

Also, this is the first of the four episodes I recorded in advance of pulling out my video card. Fortunately for me, the RMA process with the manufacturer has gone much better than I anticipated, and my replacement card has already been shipped out to me. So, I'll not wait an entire week between episodes.

[CirclMastr]

Episode 29: "I'm sure I screwed that up"

That square coin sidequest rears its ugly head, or at least my inability to process it does. It also seems to undermine Henselt's established character, but I'll get more into that after the next episode.

[DKII]

Got this one bookmarked so I can eventually catch up on it. I played the first one and it was okay, missed the second one, and loved the third one. So looking forward to seeing what I missed in the middle here.

[Wakkerdis]

It really seems like the last third of Chapter 2 was written almost totally separately from the opening third, especially in the use of the characters. In general things seem to have taken a downward turn in scope as well. At the start of the game the big armies genuinely felt like big armies in battle. Now we get a smallish camp and are told 'everyone's heading to the siege' but don't get the evidence since we have to 'sneak around' along a predefined path.

I also really really wish Dethmold had turned out to be okay. Like he was brusque and easily irritated by incompetence but nevertheless would do his job and respect Geralt for doing his. And the name was just an unfortunate thing for him to overcome. But they couldn't really have that; they needed to turn everyone super-evil just because.

[CirclMastr]

Episode 30: "I'll gladly be proven wrong"

Chapter 2 comes to an end, and with it, what's supposed to be some kind of big moral choice. So let's talk about the heel turn.

At the start of this chapter, we got a picture of Henselt conducting himself in war and in politics. Buying off landed barons, fighting against the head of the peasant army (whose name I have forgotten), even letting me choose to lean into that by accepting the duel. It painted a clear picture of a king leading from the front, with all the blunt earnestness that entails. No sneaky ambushes, no webs of deceit, just "shut up and take my money/sword to the face."

Then at the climax (in quality at least) of the chapter, we got a picture of how Henselt conducted himself three years prior. It was, again, a blunt and un-nuanced offensive. When Glevissig nuked the entire field, he was appropriately horrified and spoke of honor, and because of how he has been portrayed up to now, it is very believable that his sense of honor is sincere.

Then we get to the end, and the revisiting of the "conspiracy" sidequest. A conspiracy apparently formed by Roche to influence the above-mentioned landed barons, that began three years ago. Yet it's only now that square coins show up, among the rank and file soldiers who... don't really participate? The extent of the "conspiracy" shown (to me, at least, aware that I probably missed content and context) is that the barons' troops won't go into battle, but that is entirely due to the barons. Why would rank and file soldiers need actively participate in any way? Why would they pass around square coins given that they need not and cannot do any decision-making within this conspiracy? And why, once this "conspiracy" is exposed, would Henselt suddenly break character to engage in deceitful entrapment? The Henselt we've seen up to now would bluntly round them up and execute them. But instead, he is now luring the blue stripes into a trap, and engaging in deceitful "fuck me if you want them to live" nonsense.

The whole thing screams of having to justify turning Henselt into a villain if the player doesn't side with Iorveth. Geralt has literally spent the entire chapter doing Henselt's bidding, saving him from assassins, freeing him and his dead soldiers from powerful curses. But somehow they need to have Henselt pull a heel turn. So now Roche is behind a very vague conspiracy, and Geralt is... what? Guilty by association? And not just guilty, but so guilty that he must be killed on sight? All so that the player can be given some kind of moral choice.

I don't know what the rest of the game holds. I don't know if Henselt even appears again, or Dethmold. But it sure seems a lot more natural to make this choice something else. I can imagine choosing between sticking with Roche or giving him up to Henselt. I can imagine choosing between getting Sile's help or Dethmold's help, in tracking Letho and/or finding Triss. I cannot imagine justifiably choosing to become the kingslayer you have been accused of being. (spoiler for this episode I guess)

[CirclMastr]

Episode 31: "Yay Siegfried! Boo Roche and Iorveth!"

This is the last episode of that massive recording session, and I think that the pain and mental breakdown is clearly on display. Fortunately, I have my replacement video card and future episodes will try to get things back on some sort of track.

[CirclMastr]

Episode 32: "Yes, shut up"

I am desperately trying to elucidate my thoughts on the game in the moment, and let me tell you, the struggle is real.

[CirclMastr]

Episode 33: "You can't stop me"

I am the best at puzzles, clearly.

[CirclMastr]

Episode 34: "That escalated to 11"

Remember when I predicted it would turn out that mages were behind it all? And when I predicted that we'd be chasing after Triss for chapter after chapter? Turns out I might only be half-right.

[Wakkerdis]

You'd think that with how frequently the mages are screwing things up that pretty much every other subject of the king would be ready to throw them out if they show up to 'help' the kingdom.

I know you were running around for a while trying to find the Nilfgaards, but I was trying to explore the city and it was the last thing I wanted to do. But right off I spoke to that guy and suddenly you're taking hostages. Though I just ended up letting Triss chill for a while after killing everyone else in camp (sorry Triss).

[CirclMastr]

Episode 35: "Speaking of cognitive issues"

Things seem to be taking a turn for the nonsensical, or at the very least, rushed.

[CirclMastr]

Finale: "I don't believe this for a moment"

As is pretty plain to see, I was completely unspoiled on the game only having 3 chapters. But hey, I talked enough rambling nonsense in the video about Witcher 2, so let's talk about the thread itself and Witcher 3.

This thread was a mistake. Conceptually, it's a poor answer to a malformed question. Nobody I know has ever alleged that the original game still holds up today on its own merits, and the first page of this very thread shows plenty of people saying very much the opposite. On top of which, the games themselves are clearly so very different that putting them side by side is comparing apples to oranges. In execution, the thread falls flat as well. I clearly don't have the cognitive ability to do any kind of critical analysis anymore. Switching to just live commentary was even more of a mistake, as it only highlights my own deficiencies. The only upside is that this whole process has shown me just how disabled I've become thanks to chronic migraines.

Does this mean I'm not going to play Witcher 3? Fuck no. I got to level 99 in the first reactor in FF7, I can finish this series. Besides, "I didn't enjoy Witcher 1 and 2, so I won't play Witcher 3, the one everyone loves and says is great" is probably the most wrong-headed conclusion I could come to. And as much as I would love to have co-commentators, as much as I would have loved to have had one this whole series, it's still not possible thanks to terrible rural infrastructure. Believe me, if 5G home internet or whatever Elon Musk is doing launching satellite internet actually come to pass, I will immediately get people to join me for this and save me from myself. Until then, all I can do is apologize for what I've done, and try to do better going forward.

[CirclMastr]

Episode 1: "Can I rename the horse?"

I took a few days to decompress, and I'm trying my best to avoid overthinking as much as possible. Of course, my inability to recognize a dream sequence as such is yet another clear indication of my lack of cognitive ability.

Seriously though, can I rename the horse?

[Grumpy Turtle]

Sorry, all of Geralt's horses are named Roach. Not to be confused with Roche.

[CirclMastr]

Episode 2: "I literally don't know how to play this game"

Does the title refer to Gwent, or to Witcher 3? Why not both?

[CirclMastr]

Episode 3: "I need booze"

Sorry for the double-post, my bad connection and worse memory combined to make me not post Episode 2 in a timely manner.

[CirclMastr]

Episode 4: "We're off to do a side quest!"

I'm probably going to end up calling the horse "Horse" for the entire game.

Also I checked over my footage and apparently I don't find anything in the huts during the Devil by the Well contract because I'd already been through and looted them.

[Wakkerdis]

Now I have this song in my head.

So far this is feeling like CSI:Geralt, but it's good to see him do a bunch of witchering.

[CirclMastr]

At least it's guided, unlike Witcher 2's "boy I hope you correctly infer gender from fictional names OR ELSE" witchery.

[Grumpy Turtle]

There are a few quests like that, three that I can think of right now. I swear for one of them you need to be psychic to figure out the correct solution, so looking forward to that one.

Also, you can and should have multiples of Gwint cards.

[CirclMastr]

Episode 5: "What a stupid peasant"

No, video game, I'm not going to feel bad for the person who had every opportunity to not be stupid. The person whom you previously showed saying something stupid and then being immediately encouraged to walk it back. This is not a moral choice that I feel bad about in any way.

[Grumpy Turtle]

Ah, the beautiful fights where Geralt will just insist on punching the giant monster instead of using his silver sword... Always wonderful when that happens.

[Wakkerdis]

Might be too late with the vote, but i'd go with the left one since it looks like the worst and you should get out of that outfit as soon as possible. (Watch that becomes the only outfit for the rest of the game).

[CirclMastr]

Episode 6: "No contest, no debate"

In case you were hoping I would ask for input on romance options, I hate to disappoint.

[Grumpy Turtle]

To be fair, like Geralt mentioned before, the last time he met Emhyr, he tried to kill him and Yennefer. And kidnap Ciri. Geralt does not like people trying to kidnap Ciri.

As for Yennefer, that scene is an entirely accurate representation of their relationship. It has never been exactly what you'd call healthy. Or non-toxic. Or something.

[Wakkerdis]

I thought that was supposed to be the exact same royal hall of Foltest, it's just been recently occupied by the Nilfgardians. Which is why the walls are still coated with the French Temerian coat-of-arms.

So far this seems like Yennefer is supposed to be, if not more likable, at least a more interesting character. There have been hints at it and there is a strong sense that she must be more prominent in the source material. But what we've seen of her doesn't strike me as worth choosing to side with her in any situation.

[Grumpy Turtle]

Putting this behind a collapse for those interested, ignore it if you want to form your own opinion of Yennefer. I'll say that I consider her characterization in the game spot on.

Book Yen

Yennefer and Geralt have a long-standing on/off-relationship in the books that began when Geralt accidently released a djinn and had to make three wishes. His last wish, and the only one he made consciously was one that bound him and Yennefer's fates together. (The other wishes made the djinn perform biologically impossible acts on himself and exploded an unfortunate prison warden. The books have an interesting sense of humor.) Yennefer had attempted to capture the djinn for herself, because most sorceresses are infertile and she wanted to reverse that. This is pretty much her driving force through the first books. She and Geralt spend quite a few years living together for short periods of time, before one of them breaks up with the other. Mostly it seems to be Yen doing the break-up, but neither of them are very good at the whole relationship thing.

Once Ciri enters the picture, Yennefer takes on a bit of a motherly role towards her. Yes, that does mean that CirclMaster's Geralt will need to explain to Ciri that while she was missing, her parents got a divorce and he's now dating her big sister figure. I'm looking forward to it.

My reading on Yennefer's character was always that she is not meant to be likable in the same sense that, say, Triss is. She's mainly seen through Geralt's eyes, where she feels like this powerful force upsetting his life whenever they meet. Of course, you could always argue that it's actually Geralt who upsets her life. Yennefer always has her own story going on, one that Geralt only catches a few glimpses of. Basically, they feel like two main characters with completely separate fates who constantly crash into each other and wreck havoc to the other's plans. I think that's on purpose, given the whole wish story. She comes across as a lot more sympathetic once the Ciri arc starts, where her and Geralt's goals overlap. You see her a few times through Ciri's point of view, where she definitely seems more likable. A big part of that is probably that Yennefer is one of the few people who don't want to use Ciri for her powers, her bloodline, etc, even defying the other sorceresses for her sake.

I think it was mentioned before, but Triss gets most of her characterization from the games, so it's no wonder CirclMaster feels more attached to her. Someone who only read the books and then heard that the third game has both Triss and Yennefer as romance options would probably be confused why it had to be Triss specifically and not some other random woman with a crush on Geralt.

[CirclMastr]

Episode 7: "That seemed unnecessarily dramatic"

While I am admittedly curious about whether I can follow up with both leads the game has given me or just one, I do want to clear at least some of the many sidequests I've already collected.

And I guess in reference to the mention of a timer at the end of the video, I might as well explain what the workflow is for these videos currently, in case anyone else wants to borrow or critique it. When I get into the game for a recording session, I start a one-hour timer just before I do my introduction (which I hope isn't too annoying for being something I repeat every video). When I hit a good break point just before or after the timer runs out, I end the video, save, stop recording, etc. This gives me about an hour of footage, which I then ruthlessly edit as best I can, aiming to get an episode no longer than 30 minutes. I find it a good way to force myself to be choosy in what content stays in the video; even though it's an open-world game, that doesn't mean everyone wants to watch me fuck around looking at every little thing.

[CirclMastr]

Episode 8: "Yeah, let's do mind control"

I think traveling around with all the location markers turned off might be a mistake. I keep wandering into places I'm not supposed to be. Expect more of a focus on clearing sidequests instead of picking them up at random in the next video (or three).

[CirclMastr]

Episode 9: "...."

It occurs to me that this is the first time meeting Squirrels in this game, and I would have no idea what their deal is if it weren't for playing the previous games. Therefore I'm obviously justified in having put myself through those games!

I should also point out that I officially have a backlog of episodes. Not because I'm forcing myself to finish like the last two games, but just because I don't want to wait until I publish an episode before playing some more. So yeah, in case there was any doubt, I am having fun.

[CirclMastr]

Episode 10: "Item store person"

For what feels like the first time in this series, I come across a moral question without an immediately obvious answer. I enjoy it! I'm enjoying this game!

[Grumpy Turtle]

For the shield guys (or human enemies in general), you can stun them with mind control and they'll drop their shields. Mind control is great.

[CirclMastr]

Episode 11: "That's cheating!"

I think it was after recording this episode that I broke down and ordered a new keyboard.

[CirclMastr]

Episode 12: "I have no regerts"

I actually have many regerts, it's a real problem with my self-esteem. But anyway, this video is kind of a low point so far, but it's still not as bad as previous games. Compare this dungeon to the 'mine' dungeon area in Witcher 2 chapter 2, except you can't because I edited out all the time I spent lost in that mine. Shit. Well, my point is, even though I didn't really enjoy this dungeon, it's still objectively better than previous dungeons in previous games.

[CirclMastr]

Episode 13: "That's, uh... not normal"

This little side-trip as Ciri, much like the side-trip as Henselt in Witcher 2, is both short and satisfying. I have a feeling Witcher 3 won't sabotage Ciri's character at the end, though.

[CirclMastr]

Episode 14: "So am I allowed to steal this?"

I finally found a profitable side activity!

It's not repeatable.

[CirclMastr]

Episode 15: "Let's do the Gwent"

A lot of this recording session turned out to be Gwent games. There is more than that, so it's not like you shouldn't watch this or anything. But hey, you can look forward to the 30-hour supercut of every Gwent game I play!